Friday

As my Mum and I both have free travel

We got the bus up north to my uncle Ds 

I started packing two day ago

I love packing 

I love sorting out clothes to wear 

Mixing and matching different outfits

I always bring too many clothes

And usually I buy a couple of things 

So my case is bursting on the way home

We arrived her at about 3 30pm

Dropped our bags off at the house

And then walked in to town

I am on the look out for a nice over sized shirt 

So I had a look in a couple of shops

And tried on a few

Usually I am my usual impulsive self 

And buy something 

But today I couldn't make a decision

And so left the shops empty handed 

We retired to a coffee shop

For tea and a bun

Later on we went out for dinner 

In a local hotel 

I had a burger and chips

But didn't really enjoy it if I am honest

I did enjoy the company and the chat though

After food

We headed back to the house

To relax

And watch some TV 

A nice way to end the day 

Gym monster left an interesting comment on yesterday's post

She made the point that knowing and obsessing about my weight

Is directly linked to my mood

I had to read the post a couple of times 

And had a think about it 

I think she has a point 

Last summer 

I was doing well

I felt good 

I wasn't weighing myself 

I was going by how I felt rather than what I looked like 

I was the happiest I had been in a long time 

So 

The logical thing to do is to stop weighing 

And focus on being healthy 

Instead of being thin 

I've done it before 

There is nothing to stop me doing it again 

Nothing except myself 

And I am notorious for getting in my own way

Trying on clothes today

Looking in mirrors 

I don't hate what I see

I don't particularly like it 

But I don't hate it 

I can live with it 

I'm just so tired of fighting with myself 

Of hating myself 

Of the cruelty and shame that is this illness

I give up 

I'm done trying to win this war

I'm walking away

I'm giving up

That is not to say I'm giving up on life

Not at all 

I'm giving up this God for saken battle 

This war of wills

The only way the ED wins 

Is if I die

I'm not willing to lay down my life in the name of this illness 

Life is too short to play this game of numerical roulette

I don't want this life of guilt and shame 

I just want to live a normal life 

My dream is to have my own place in the country 

A small field where I can keep donkeys 

A house full of dogs 

When I'm thinking about my hopes and dreams 

The size I am doesn't come in to it 

I don't think about my dream life clothes size

I think about things that feed my soul 

Not about what clothes size I fit in to

Does anyone?

I don't know....

Today we are going out to my uncles friend 

Who keep horses

And work with people including autistic kids 

I'm hoping to ride too

If they can fit me in

I spoke to my nephew yesterday 

He is coming out to the horse centre with me on Wednesday 

To help with the pony camp

And then have a lesson in the afternoon

I'm looking forward to seeing the place today 

Horse riding is opening a whole lot of new opportunities to me

And I'm loving that 

It's amazing what can happen when you get off the couch

And venture in to the big wide world 

If we just life our heads 

Stop looking at the cracks in the ground 

And start looking at the world around us 

If we look to our fellows

Instead of naval gazing 

And reach out 

Instead of closing in

I think I have now reached the point of this post where I have officially stopped caring making sense

I am now going to make like Sylvia Plath

And stick my head in the oven 

Only joking 

But only just

I'm off to see what trouble I can get up to

See you on the next post....

Away

My Mum and I are away this weekend 

Not too far though

We are staying with my uncle who lives about 90 minutes north

I am still struggling with my bloggers block

My struggle seems somehow insignificant at the moment 

And I am tired talking and writing about myself 

I'm sure this will pass

It's just a phase 

Sometimes I am blogging enthusiastically every day

Other times it's good to be silent

And right now

I feel like I have nothing of any importance to say or write 

Please bear with me 

I will be back

I promise you that 

Thursday

I've been finding it really difficult to blog this week

I've been experiencing a kind of bloggers block

I just haven't been able to string a coherent sentence together

And I've been avoiding blogger 

There isn't anything wrong as such 

I just don't feel one hundred percent myself 

I feel really tired 

Emotional 

Not present in my own body or mind 

I feel like I don't fit in 

Anywhere 

Not in my own family 

Not at the meetings 

The only place that I'm really enjoying at the moment is with the horses 

I just feel so at home 

And so free when I am up on Star

Like nothing else matters at that moment 

As you know 

I ride with a group of MS sufferers 

And we all leave our troubles at the door 

And just have fun 

Enjoy each other's company

As well as the horses 

There is such a lovely atmosphere there 

And everyone has a lovely time 

Next week 

I am going to help with the pony camp for kids 

And my nephew is coming with me too

We are going to work for the day 

And then have a lesson in the afternoon

So that is something to look forward to 

Apart from that glorious day once a week 

When I forget about my troubles 

Things are tough 

I saw Mary this morning 

It was a long and tough session

We covered a lot 

Family issues

Food 

And of course weight 

She weighed me 

I didn't look 

But then as always 

I asked her what it was 

I had gained one kilo in the last couple of weeks 

Even though it's small amount 

I still had a bad reaction to it 

And immediately began to withdraw and close up

Mary is convinced it's muscle 

As I am a lot more active 

It could be I guess 

But I just wasn't open to suggestion at that point 

It's not so much that fact that I gained a kilo

It's more the fear that I will continue to carry on gaining like this 

And spin out  of control 

We talked about my anxiety around numbers 

They are just numbers Mary said 

But having measured my worth in pounds and ounces for so long

It's hard to escape that prison

That rigid way of thinking 

And the thing is 

Before Mary weighed me this morning 

I felt alright in my body

I bought a new pair of size 8 trousers yesterday 

And I felt I looked something approaching decent 

It was only when Mary weighed me that I had my little meltdown 

Those bloody numbers are the Bain of my life 

With all that said 

I was wondering about you

How you made peace with the numbers in your life?

If yes

How did you do that?

Do you think we should weigh in recovery?

Why do you think that ?

Answers on a postcard please....

Wednesday

Apologies for the radio silence over the past few days

Life intervened

And I just didn't get a chance to write

Also I didn't really want to write

I wrote a post on Monday

And promptly deleted it

If you did read it 

You will know that my Mum was diagnosed with osteoporosis this week

In her spine and hips 

I deleted the post as I felt I needed to process the information before writing about it

This news has come as a bit of a shock

My Mum had a bone scan done a few weeks ago 

And on Monday she got the results

I went to speak to her

And she looked really shook

I asked what was wrong 

She said nothing 

But I knew there was something 

Eventually 

She told me that she had received some bad news

That she had just got off the phone from her doctor 

And she informed Mum that she has osteoporosis 

It was a real shock

And I could see from Mum that she had not expected it either 

We sat in silence for a while 

Neither of us sure what to say or do 

I asked about treatment 

And Mum had been told she could get an injection twice a year that would help manage it

Also diet and exercise 

The doctor recommended that Mum join a gym 

And practise weight bearing exercises 

So at least there are things she can do to help herself 

All is not lost

So yea 

I haven't much felt like writing the last few days

Don't worry though 

I'm not going anywhere 

Sometimes it's good to take a break

Take a step back and look at things from a distance 

I know I don't need to tell you how much much my Mum means to me

She is my life 

The one who never gave up on me

Only for her 

I have no doubt I wouldn't be here

But this is life 

We live 

We grow up 

Grow old 

Get ill

Time waits for no man

Or woman

Again 

I'm sorry that I left you hanging 

It's just a difficult it time at the moment 

I'm sure you understand 

Gaining....

I was in the supermarket the other day

When I met a woman that I hadn't seen in a while 

She reached out to my face 

And said I looked like I was filling out

I waited for the horror of these words to wash over me

I bit my lip in case I began to lose my shit

I smiled 

And said thank you 

I don't know why I thanked her

But I couldn't think of anything else to say

I moved on 

The smile still plastered on my face 

And held my breath in anticipation of a complete meltdown 

But you know what?

It never happened 

The shit storm never happened

I registered the words for what they were 

Someone wanting to give me a compliment 

Someone being kind

And acknowledging that I am getting well

If someone had said that to me a year ago

I would have just lost my shit altogether 

It wouldn't have just ruined my day

It would've ruined my whole life 

But 

This time 

This time I was able to take the words in the spirit in which they were intended

And that my friends 

Is progress

I haven't been weighing myself in recent times 

I've just been going how I feel 

My clothes still fit 

I don't feel like they are too small or too big 

And I've been feeling pretty ok

But 

This morning I had a massive urge to know what I weighed 

So I pulled my old dusty scales out from under the drawers 

Stripped 

And tentatively stepped on

The numbers flashed 

Then settled

BMI : 18

I can handle that 

I can live with that 

I would be more than happy if my weight stAyed   here 

Give or take a few pounds 

How I wish that I didn't give a shit

How I wish that weight and numbers meant nothing to me

That the scales was not the be all and end all 

How I wish I liked and accepted my body

My self 

Even just part of myself 

I don't know you guys 

I hope it gets  better 

Tell me it does

Promise me....

St. Patrick's Day!

Happy St. Patrick's Day to all you lovely readers!

Gosh this day brings back memories

Mostly bad ones 

Growing up

Paddys day was an excuse to get absolutely blotto

And inevitably there would be a massive family row

More often than not 

My Mum and I would move out for the weekend 

And go to my sisters or a friend 

Just to get away

Then came the drug years 

When St. Patrick's Day was just another day in the daily grind of addiction

I can remember one quite well

Dublin was heaving with people 

And I was wandering around 

Sick

Trying to get money together

And generally feeling very sorry for myself 

I can remember looking at all the people 

Laughing 

Smiling 

Enjoying the parade

I remember seeing a guy that I had been in treatment with 

He had a little girl on his shoulders 

She looked like she was having such great fun

I didn't go over to them 

I was in quite a state

And didn't want to involve them in my sorry situation 

I can't remember what else happened that day

I must have got drugs at some stage

As the rest of the day is a blur 

These days 

I tend to avoid town on this day

As it is still an excuse to drink until you can't stand up anymore 

So today 

My Mam, Honey and Lea and I 

Will be curling up in the couch 

With hot cups of tea

And a box of sweets 

Bliss!

So

Whatever you are up to today 

If you are celebrating 

Or isolating 

I wish you a very happy St. Patrick's day 

To you and yours 

I am sporting green trousers in an effort to get in to the spirit of the occasion     

And yes 

I have gained weight....

Horse Riding

After a long hard winter

We finally saw a little bit of spring this week

Which makes life a little easier

It's not so hard to get up in the morning

It's not so cold

People seem to be in better form

Weather is something that is discussed to death in this country

We love to get a sunny day

So we can talk at length about the great stretch on the evenings

But we also love to give out about the weather almost as much as we like talking about the good

Anyway

As you know

I now go horse riding every Wednesday 

Which I look forward to all week

The equine centre is about an hours drive

And yes

I always bring someone with me

Today that someone was my mum

I dont mind the journey 

Heck I used to travel the length and breadth of the country to get drugs

So an hours drive for something I love, is no trouble at all

The session was great

As always

I am now in a group with two men

Who have been attending the centre for the past three years

One of them canters and everything!

I asked if I could canter too

But 

Not yet 

As ever 

I am eager to go galloping around the arena 

But I am learning that patience is a virtue

And I have to remind myself that these people have been horse riding for years

I have been riding for all of five weeks

Pace yourself Ruby

My Mum

The budding photographer 

Took some photos from the judges box

Here they are...