5 Years on...

Next month

I celebrate 5 years blogging

It's hard to believe 

So much has happened in those years 

And every bit of it documented 

It's been an emotional roller coaster 

So many ups and downs

Highs and lows 

Recovery and relapse

In to treatment 

Trying to recover from home 

Addiction issues 

Holidays 

Courses 

Relationships 

My dogs

Coco 

And my life now 

Where I am quite happy and content 

I hate to write this 

And part of me is really fighting this 

But I think my blog is coming to a natural end 

For many reasons

Blogger seems very dead

There is no buzz about it the way there used to be

 I'm now using Facebook more 

And my own Facebook page 

I don't use blogger half as much as I used to

So I think it's time to slip away quietly 

Of course this is not goodbye

I will still keep in touch with you all

That is not chsnging

But I will no longer be updating here 

Life is shooting forward at light speed 

And I can barely keep up

A lot of times I don't have the time to sit down and write a lengthy post

Things with my ED have also moved on

I don't restrict 

Purging is a rarity

I don't weigh myself 

I don't deny myself food 

My ED I'd gradually becoming part of my past 

Not my present 

So I just wanted to take this opportunity 

To thank you all

For your comments 

Your kindness

Your thoughtful words

Your patience 

Thank you for being there 

For reading 

For listening 

For gently guiding me 

For never giving up on me 

For believing in me 

Thank you for becoming part of my story 

For loving  me even though I hated myself 

Thank you for your advice 

Your wise words and sage suggestions 

For being a good friend 

For telling me what I needed to hear rather than what I wanted to hear 

Thank you for taking my story in to your hearts 

For sending me love from the four corners of the world 

Thank you for letting me cry 

For making me laugh

For allowing me to be myself 

For accepting me

For being the voice of reason

Thank you for reminding me that I am unique 

That I am lovable 

And that I am not a bad person

Thank you for never giving up on me 

For providing a safe place for me to fall

For forming a supportive community of ED sufferers 

You girls saved my life and my sanity over and over again

Thank you 

I love you 

I will never forget you

If you want to stay in touch 

Please email me 

Andthenshedisappeared@yahoo.ie

We can Facebook or whatever suits you

Xxxxxx

Facebook

https://m.facebook.com/The-adventures-of-one-girl-two-dogs-and-a-pony-called-Coco-1444045862286398/

Still here...

Yes

I am still here 

I know 

I'm not terribly active here on blogger anymore

But I do like to check in once in a while

So 

I've had a busy week to say the least

Mary had asked me to do some media interviews as part of EDAW

So I did two radio interviews

And two newspaper interviews

I have to tell you

It was a scary business

But I think they went well

I really did my best 

And I wanted to do for all ED sufferers out there

And for you 

Monday I did Ocean FM

Which was live in the studio

At one point I went completely blank 

Couldn't remember what I was doing

Or saying 

 Couldn't even remember my own name 

But I think I managed to pick it up again without too much dead air

The interviewer was lovely 

And Mary and my Mam  were there

I couldn't ask for better support

It lasted about 15 minutes 

And I did my best to get everything in to the interview 

Of course when it was over 

I thought of all the things I could have said 

But look

It's done now 

After the interview on Monday 

We picked up the newspaper I featured in

I went in to the shop

And there I was on the front page

I nearly died

And immediately became super self conscious 

Theng there was a big photo of myself and Mary on page 11

Oh my God it was a very strange experience seeing myself in print

Then on Tuesday 

I had an interview on Shannonside FM

Which was over the phone

Again I was very nervous 

At one point I mentioned my blog 

And the interviewer asked me for the name of it

I didn't know what to say 

So I said I would tell him after the interview 

He didn't push the issue after that 

I was so relieved to have all the interviews over with 

I probably will never know if I helped anyone 

I know in the days following 

Two girls presented to Mary having heard my interviews

That in itself is amazing!

To know I made a difference 

And my story mattered

On Wednesday 

I went horse riding 

And we had the final day of our course 

So they did a little graduation ceremony 

And we got certs and ribbons

So lovely 

I am thoroughly enjoying horse riding again 

I wish I could do more of it

I know now that I made the right decision leaving my course 

I have no doubt about that 

In other news 

You might have seen that I made a Facebook page for me, my dogs and Coco

Being a bit of a technophobe 

I am still trying to navigate my way through it 

I don't know how to share the link here 

So if someone could let me know 

I would be hella grateful

But yes 

My relationship with Coco continues to blossom

I love that little pony so much 

He brings so much happiness to my life 

Bit by bit 

He has relaxed around me 

And is letting his personality shine 

He is such a character 

A cheeky monkey 

One of his favourite things to go is pull my hat off my head 

And play with it in his mouth

He also likes to run around like a complete lunatic 

He drinks tea 

He rolls around 

We play chase 

And generally have a lot of fun

I am now taking charge of feeding him

And more interest I show in him

The more his owner stands back 

So I'm not really sure what is happening 

But I'm too attached now to walk away

In other news

I booked a day photographer to come and take photos of me and the dogs and Coco

We are going to do it in the field 

It costs €90 everything included

So I think that's pretty good going 

Can't wait to share them with you 

Anyway

That's all from me today 

Hope you are all doing ok

And if someone could please tell me how to share the link to my page 

I will love you forever....

On the radio....

It's been a busy week

Last Monday did an interview with a local newspaper 

About my story 

And it bring EDAW 

It was very timely 

I did my best 

And I did it for all ED sufferers

Whether you are in the midst of your illness 

Or in recovery 

I did it for you 

The newspaper came out today 

It was a good article 

And both mine and Mary's main points were covered 

Today I did an interview on local radio

Which was an experience let me tell you 

Again Mary was with me 

And we both got through it 

At times I looked to Mary for support 

And she would give me a little wink to let me know I was doing ok 

I have to tell you 

It was nerve wrecking 

And I was a bit of a nervous wreck 

Sitting in the studio

Waiting for my cue

Was pretty terrifying 

But once I started to speak

I was ok

T he interviewer was very good 

And had obviously done some research about the subject

At one point

After he had asked a question

I am went completely blank

I couldn't remember the question

What I was talking about

And what the fell was going on

But somehow I managed to pick it up again

And I don't think it was noticed 

In the middle of the interview 

One of my friend texted in to the show 

And I have him a shout out which was funny

I really did my best though 

And try to cover the main points 

Dispel the myths 

And advice for people who are struggling 

All too soon 

It was over 

And the relief was massive 

I was glad just to have got through it 

And I hope it goes somewhat to help others who are suffering 

Tomorrow I have another interview on radio

And then I am finished thank God

I am not cut for this craic

It's exhausting 

But so worth doing 

I got some feedback after the interview 

It was all very positive 

And great to hear people's thoughts 

Helping people with an ED can be a minefield 

What do you say?

What do you not say?

When do you play good cop?

And when do you play bad cop?

I think you have to judge each case individually 

Sometimes it's appropriate to be gentle 

And sometimes stronger words are needed

I guess I am in the position now that I've seen the benefits of recovery 

And I know there is no need to suffer 

So it can be frustrating to watch someone self destruct again and again

I can only imagine what my family went through over the years 

Endless patience is a must when dealing with EDs

Look

I am no poster girl for recovery 

I make mistakes every single day 

I say the wrong thing

Do the wrong thing

But I know that my heart is in the right place 

And I just want the best for those around me

Anyway

I missed Coco today

Am going straight over to see him tomorrow adternoon

And tell him all about my adventures 

Because he has been part of my recovery too

He's part of the jigsaw puzzle that is my life and my recovery

If you would like to listen to the interview

You can find it on line 

Google Ocean FM

And look for the podcasts and Ruth's story

Yes 

Now you know my real name 

But if you get a chance 

Have a listen

I'd love to know what you think...

EDAW

As you may know

Eating Disorders Awareness Week starts the 27th February running until March 5th

Mary contacted me last week

To ask me if I would be interested in doing a couple of interviews with local press

So today I did a phone interview with a local newspaper 

It was all done on speaker phone 

And Mary was interviewed too

I hope we did a good job

As I'm very aware when doing these things that I am speaking for our whole community 

The interviewer was lovely 

Very kind and gentle 

And asked very intelligent questions 

Not just looking for the gory details 

I was quite a nervous nelly this morning 

But I was delighted to do something that might help others in the same situation

The press officer for our national health service gave a press release today 

And I was asked to supply a quote

I write a few lines about the myths surrounding EDs

And encouraged those suffering to reach out and seek help

Also

I am doing an interview on local radio next Monday morning 

That will be challenging as it will be live 

But again 

I am privileged to be speaking for our community 

I don't know if these publications will be on line 

But I will certainly keep you posted

I was away this weekend 

And I missed my dogs and Coco something serious 

Can't wait to see Coco tomorrow

And it will be intetesting to see how he reacts when he sees me

I spoke this morning about how much animals have helped in my recovery 

My dogs 

My horse riding 

Coco

They are a huge part of my life now

And really make life worth living 

Must dash

Just wanted to let you know about EDAW

See you in the next post....

The next chapter...

Recently

I have been feeling that my blog is coming to a natural end

It's five years now since I started writing 

And it felt like it might be time to stop

Where once I relied so much on this blog

And the people here 

Now I am living life 

And don't rely on it as much 

As well as that 

Blogger is so very quiet 

And i tend to use Facebook more

So I had been thinking about writing my last post

When it occurred to me

I can still write 

But instead of focusing on my eating disorder and addiction

I can write about what's happening for me now 

Because there is lots happening

I'm in a group on Facebook called Friendly Horse Chat 

And that's mostly where I post now

I asked the lovely people there 

If they would be interested in reading my blog 

And I got a great response 

So I will share the link with them

In other words 

I'm not going anywhere 

Just taking a different path

I'm away for the weekend 

And I have to be honest with you 

I am missing Coco something serious 

I usually spend my Saturday with him 

So I feel a bit lonely for him

I know it's only two days 

But I don't feel right until I get my daily dose of Coco

We went to a musical last night 

And I spent the interval watching videos of him

Yes 

I have  it bad 

I love that little guy so much

And I will probably text his owner today to see how he is 

But of course I'm missing the dogs too

That goes without saying 

Things are going well with Coco

He even got me a Valentine's rose 

I know it was from Cocos owner 

But we will pretend it was from Coco 

I think I am making progress with him 

He seems quite comfortable around me now 

And has no problem thoroughly investigating me every time I visit him

I usually bring Lea or both dogs with me 

And we all run around the field like lunatics

I love to see Coco having fun

Running and bucking and frolicking 

It's such a lovely sight

I am learning like a complete looper running around the field 

But I really enjoy it 

And that is the main thing

In other news 

I've done four weeks of my horse course now 

Two more to go

I'm loving it 

And even though it's mostly stuff I've done before 

It's great to go over it again

The last few weeks I've been in a new riding group

With two other girls 

We all canter so I guess it makes sense to put us together 

I am thoroughly enjoying riding again 

My confidence had been knocked in my course before Christmas 

But I feel I am back feeling good again 

The last two weeks 

I've been on a new horse called Leroy

Who is a big boy

But a gentle giant with it

It's been so exciting riding a new horse 

And it feels like it just works 

Like it's all coming together 

I've also been thinking about the horsemanship course I was doing

And I think I'd like to go back to it at some point 

I feel like I have unfinished business there 

But 

I will wait and see what happens 

Life has been taking me on such unexpected journeys recently 

So I'm excited to see what happens next

Life is good at the moment 

I feel happy and content 

I spend my days with the animals in my life 

And I just love it!

So yes 

I am sticking around for the moment 

I would have to stop writing this blog 

As it has been a life line over the years 

And back a few years ago 

Blogger was buzzing 

And it was really exciting to be part of it 

Now it is so quiet 

Which is a shame 

But I guess like me 

People have gone in to use other social media 

Like Facebook and Instagram

If you are interested 

I am goon to keep writing 

And let you know about my recovery rather than my illness 

Or if there is anything you would like me to write about in particular 

Do let me know 

Eating Disorders Awareness Week is coming up soon 

My counsellor Mary has asked me to do a couple of interviews with local newspapers and radio stations 

Which I will do 

I was also contacted my a journalist from a national tabloid newspaper and asked to do an interview 

I am unsure whether to do it or not 

As they have already asked for photos 

And I'm pretty sure they will be after the gory details like numbers, food diaries etc

But in fairness 

The journalist who contacted me has been quite tactful 

And says she wouldn't want me to do the interview if it would hinder my recovery 

I said I would think about it over the weekend 

But I was wondering what you guys thought 

Have you ever done an interview?

If you were me 

Would you do it?

I am very reluctant to give photos 

But I would be willing to give a head shot of when I was ill

I don't think I would be comfortable sharing a full body shot

Anyway 

I  would love to know your thoughts

Also before I go 

Hello and welcome to all my new readers!

I hope you get something from my blog and it's a pleasure to have your company 

Happy Saturday everyone!

See you on the next post!

Monday

I really do apologise for my lack of posting

I guess I have been busy living 

And I don't have the time to be writing as much as I used to

Back when I was in the midst of my illness 

I had nothing but time 

And posted every day

Because all I had in my life was the disorder 

It's was all I thought about 

Talked about 

Wrote about 

Read about 

But now

Well

Things are a lot different 

I have regained weight to a healthy BMI

I no longer deny myself food in order to lose weight 

I used to purge up to 20 times a day 

Now it's a rarity rather than the norm

What a transformation it has been 

A crazy ride 

But I made it out the other side

I lived to tell the tale 

Now I don't think about food the way I used to

Food used to be the enemy 

Something to be feared 

Because food meant weight 

And weight was bad

Skinny was good 

And underweight was even better 

It was a safe place 

I was a sick person

That became my identity 

But rewind about 15 years

And after dabbling in drugs for a few years

I become addicted to heroin

While using 

I stayed in various different drug houses 

Where the number one priority was drugs 

Not food 

Not heating 

Every penny went on the drug 

So I would spend a few weeks in the drug house 

Then when the money ran out 

I would go home to recharge my batteries 

I can do clearly remember going home 

And being overwhelmed by all the food in the fridge 

I was so hungry 

But I felt so guilty that I had food 

And my drug using friends didn't 

This was the start of my associating food with guilt

And I've never been the same since 

My eating disorder began here 

Although it took me a long time to make the connection

But I know now that food is not the issue 

It's a symptom of a greater problem 

For me

I know I have an addictive personality 

Coupled with the fact that I struggle to live in reality 

I have low self esteem

And long to get away from my own thoughts 

I've been addicted to many things over the years 

Shoplifting 

Exercising

Shopping

Spending money 

Drifter chocolate bars 

Enemas 

Laxatives 

Prescription meds 

I could go on and on...

The moral of the story is that I need to be careful

If I get a good feeling off something 

I tend to want it again and again 

And quickly get addicted

But at least now I am aware

And can keep an eye on my behaviour 

I've often talked about how addiction and an ED leave a gaping void when they are taken away 

Which needs to be addressed and filled with some thing healthy 

For me

I filled that void with my life of horses and animals in general 

And that is a hell of a lot better than drugs or shopping or drinking 

In other news 

I've been visiting Coco a good bit 

I usually go over three times a week

And being Mam and the dogs 

I think Coco is coming on leaps and bounds 

In the morning 

We give him a bucket of feed 

And an apple or a carrot 

After that it's play time 

And I run around the field with him and the dogs 

Coco has really taken a shine to Lea 

He follows her everywhere 

And one day when we sitting down 

He started to groom her 

Which was just adorable 

It's lovely to see Coco running and frolicking and bucking and playing

He seems to get a great kick out of all the attention he gets 

And I love to se him so happy 

Last week

I brought a grooming mitt over 

And gradually Coco let me groom his nose and face and chest 

I swear that pony has so much potential 

To watch him with Lea is just beautiful 

And he is so gentle with her   

Cocos owner Gordon  and me have been talking about getting him a companion

Gordon says it's up to me 

If I wanted to get a pony/horse for riding 

Well 

I don't need to tell you 

My eyes nearly popped out

And the excitement was massive!

The thoughts of getting my very own pony ?

That is the dream right there!

But look

I know this is something that I really shouldn't rush in to 

Ok 

So I have land 

And plenty of it 

I have a companion 

I have the benefit of the knowledge from my course 

And also Gordon who has spent his whole life around horses 

I did get some good news last week

Thdtbi have my job again in the summer 

Starting May 

This is fantastic news!

And it means I will get a chance to save money

So

The plan is to work as many hours as I can 

Save every penny 

And hopefully at the end of the season 

I will have €2000-€3000 saved 

Enough to adopt a horse 

And to get started  

There are some great horse sanctuary in this country 

And I have contacted a couple of them 

So I will keep my options open 

But you guys 

How exciting is this?

Possibly getting my very first horse!

I never though that this could actually happen 

Having my own horse. 

Would give me a reason to stay well

A reason to get up in the morning

I feel super excited 

But I won't rush in to anything 

I need to 'pace myself' as my mother says 

This is not something to be decided on a whim

I need to be prepared 

I need the funds 

And the time and energy 

It's a massive commitment and responsibility 

I want to give my prospective horse the best life possible 

I can't wait to see what this year brings 

Is it just me or does blogger seem very quiet?

Do let me know if you are out there and still reading 

Let me know that I am not alone...