May

Hello friends

I don't know how many of you still check my blog

God knows I haven't been the best blogger

This blog celebrates five years on the last day of April

And it was a chance to reflect on everything that has happened during those years 

In some ways it seems like one hundred years 

In other ways it feels like five minutes

As you know well

Eating Disorders and addictions are all encompassing 

You eat, sleep and breathe it

You think about it 

Talk about it 

Write about it 

It's like having a full time job with no days off

My own ED is in quite a good place 

I don't restrict 

And although I haven't eradicated the purging completely 

It's a lot better than it was

It's the exception rather than he rule

But because an ED or addiction takes up so much time abd energy

When you begin to let it go

There is a huge void left 

And it has to be filled with something healthy and positive if you want any chance of staying well

For myself 

I tried many things to fill the void

Meds 

Religion

Meetings 

Shopping 

Stuff

But the only thing that really works for me 

Is being with and working with animals 

Namely my dogs  

Coco 

Horse riding 

And equine assisted therapy

I visit Coco every morning with my dogs 

And I have developed such a lovely bond with him

Two weeks ago

I got a head collar on him for the first time 

Which was a huge milestone 

And an indicator that he is starting to trust me

Now I am teaching him to walk on a lead rope

Also to pick up his feet

As he is seeing the farrier next week

It's a work in progress

But I am loving every second of it

Coco has gone from being a scared and lonely pony 

To a happy cheeky little man 

He is full of fun

And never fails to make me smile 

We think he has a little crush on Lea

As he loves her 

And follows her everywhere 

It's so lovely to watch them together

Best buddies

In other news

I still go riding on a Tuesday and Wednesday 

And third week I did my first jump in canter!

Which I just loved and can't wait to do some more 

I am loving riding at the moment 

And really feel like I am making progress which is a great feeling

I also start work at the end of the month

I must admit 

I feel very anxious thinking about it 

And feel like running in the opposite direction 

I will take it one day at a time 

And see how I go

There is a possibility I could get work in a  stables for the summer months 

To be honest I would rather take that work 

I'll know next week

So I'll make a decision then

What else?

Body image continues to be a battle 

I am now a very healthy weight

But am still getting used to th curves and shapes 

Trying to dress my body to make the most of it 

It's not easy 

And sometimes I think about restricting 

But I figure it is just not worth it 

I would rather be healthy and happy 

Rather than skinny and miserable 

And now I realise that it's not just about me

My staying well has a ripple meffect to everyone around me 

Also I have two dogs and a pony that depend on me

I need to be fit and well to look after them the best that I can 

So I just wanted to check back in

And show you and let you know that there is life after EDs and addiction

If you are struggling 

If you are drowning 

If you feel like there is no hope for you

I am here to tell you this there is hope 

There is absolutely hope 

I am walking talking proof of that 

If you have read my blog

You will know the shit story was my life 

I really thought I was a worthless piece of crap

But now I know that I am a good person 

And in my own little way I am making a difference 

Spreading a message of hope and recovery 

Living my life as an open book in the hope that my story will help someone 

And spare them some of the pain that I went through

For me

The trick was finding something that captured my attention 

And gave me a reason to stay well

A reason to get up in the morning

A raison d'etre

Because when you find something you are passionate about 

Something that warms your heart 

Stimulates your mind 

And feeds your soul

Then that is worth living for 

That is worth staying well for 

I truly hope you are al doing ok

I think of you often 

I willl always think fondly of my little blogger family 

And I will neve forget you 

Please let me know if you are out there 

If you at reading 

Writing 

Let me know you exist 

Much love,

Ruby

180

I read somewhere recently

That if something in your life is bother you 

You have three options 

Change it

Ignore it

Or accept it

This really spoke to me as if you read my last post you will know I've been struggling with body image

To cut a long story short 

With regard to my weight

I've decided to accept it

Changing it is too risky 

And I have too much to lose

I can't ignore it as it's my body

So accept it it is

The end

Easter

Hello fellow bloggers and readers

I've been meaning to update here for the last couple of weeks

But am just getting around to it now

Life is busy 

I am busy 

I'm in a very different place in my ED and recovery 

My ED now takes up so little space that it's quite insignificant

I don't restrict

I don't binge 

Purging is the exception rather than the norm

The only think I am kind upset about 

Is yes you've guessed it

My weight 

I don't know what I weigh as I don't weigh myself 

But I'm pretty sure that I am the biggest I've even been 

My clothes feel tighter 

I feel like I take up a lot of space 

And I am generally quite uncomfortable 

My diet is not great 

And I've been eating a lot of junk food 

And just today a member of my family told me that I am gaining weight 

My first thought was to starve myself in to submission

That didn't last long 

As I don't want to go down that route again

But I do need to do something 

Not only to lose a bit of weight 

But to be healthy 

And to have sufficient energy for all the things I want to do

Despite my weight 

I feel quite happy and content 

I see Coco every day 

And he continued to be the highlight of my day

He is such a funny wee man

Full of personality and character

I can't believe how attached I have become to him

It's threee months now since I started to. Is it him

He has gone from being a scared and lonely pony 

To being relaxed, confident and happy

More often than not my dogs come with me when I visit Coco 

And they are all good pals

It's so lovely to watch them 

I am in pure heaven when I'm in the field with them all

I can't wait for the weather to improve 

So I can spend long lazy days over with Coco

I can't tell you how much he has helped me in the last three months 

I now bounce out of bed in the morning 

Knowing I am going to see him

It gets me out of the house

Out in to the fresh air

I've never slept as well as I am at the moment 

Yes 

There is no doubt in my mind 

That pony saved me

And I saved him too

So 

The plan with my food 

Is to cut out the junk for the moment 

Eat a healthy breakfast, lunch and dinner 

More exercise 

I must stress 

This is it a diet 

As it's not a temporary thing 

This needs to be my lifestyle 

My life 

At the moment I feel bloated and swollen 

My clothes are straining 

And I feel very uncomfortable 

I would like to lose about 15 pounds 

And I will still be comfortably in the healthy weight for my height category 

And before you say this sounds dodgy

And I'm meeting trouble half way 

I have no desire to be stick thin or underweight 

I just want to feel good in my skin

I just want to be healthy and happy 

And I'm not being a sucker thinking weight loss will make me happy 

But I do want to feel comfortably in myself 

And I don't at the moment

Because I was eating a lot of junk food 

And no proper food at all

It's no wonder I am gaining 

And probably lucky I have not gained more 

I have to say though 

I am finding junk food much harder to give up than I did cigarettes 

I guess it's so accessible 

And the least harmful 

So it's easier to grab than say a cigarette or a drink or a drug

However 

I will persevere 

As I always do

In other news 

I have my job back again this summer 

So I will be starting late May time 

I have mixed feelings about the job

I'm grateful to have it back again 

And to be offered it again is fantastic 

I'm just a bit worried that I will get anxious again 

And struggle to go in in the morning 

The way I was with my course

Also I'm worried I won't see as much of Coco 

But part of the reason I am working is for him

And to get him a companion 

But there will be a cap on how many hours I can do 

Between 20-24

So I'm just hoping and praying that it all goes smoothly 

As I really enjoyed it last year 

It was such a lovely place to work 

And the people were just great 

Both guests and staff

I made friends 

I made money 

And it gave me a sense of responsibility 

When I do something 

I like to do it right 

I'm probably a perfectionist at heart 

But as my sister says 

Done is better than perfect 

How true is that?

In other other news 

My brother published his first novel last month 

It is called Ithaca

We had a great time launching it in style and celebrating his success

We are all very proud of him

I don't know how many of you are still reading and writing 

I am hoping there are a few of us left 

I tend to use Facebook more these days 

As it's quick and easy 

I don't always have the energy or the inclination to write a whole blog post 

Not knowing if anyone is reading 

So 

Thoughts on losing weight in recovery?

I'd love to know what you think

Answers on a postcard please...

Back? Maybe?

I miss you guys

I miss writing 

I'm on a Facebook group about horses and people seem genuinely interested in mine and Cocos story

So am thinking I might continue our story on this blog

And then she got a pony!

Anyone out there interested in reading about us

Do let me know

I notice my statistics are still quite high

So I would love to know if you are interested because I know I would love to continue writing

Yay or nay people?

5 Years on...

Next month

I celebrate 5 years blogging

It's hard to believe 

So much has happened in those years 

And every bit of it documented 

It's been an emotional roller coaster 

So many ups and downs

Highs and lows 

Recovery and relapse

In to treatment 

Trying to recover from home 

Addiction issues 

Holidays 

Courses 

Relationships 

My dogs

Coco 

And my life now 

Where I am quite happy and content 

I hate to write this 

And part of me is really fighting this 

But I think my blog is coming to a natural end 

For many reasons

Blogger seems very dead

There is no buzz about it the way there used to be

 I'm now using Facebook more 

And my own Facebook page 

I don't use blogger half as much as I used to

So I think it's time to slip away quietly 

Of course this is not goodbye

I will still keep in touch with you all

That is not chsnging

But I will no longer be updating here 

Life is shooting forward at light speed 

And I can barely keep up

A lot of times I don't have the time to sit down and write a lengthy post

Things with my ED have also moved on

I don't restrict 

Purging is a rarity

I don't weigh myself 

I don't deny myself food 

My ED I'd gradually becoming part of my past 

Not my present 

So I just wanted to take this opportunity 

To thank you all

For your comments 

Your kindness

Your thoughtful words

Your patience 

Thank you for being there 

For reading 

For listening 

For gently guiding me 

For never giving up on me 

For believing in me 

Thank you for becoming part of my story 

For loving  me even though I hated myself 

Thank you for your advice 

Your wise words and sage suggestions 

For being a good friend 

For telling me what I needed to hear rather than what I wanted to hear 

Thank you for taking my story in to your hearts 

For sending me love from the four corners of the world 

Thank you for letting me cry 

For making me laugh

For allowing me to be myself 

For accepting me

For being the voice of reason

Thank you for reminding me that I am unique 

That I am lovable 

And that I am not a bad person

Thank you for never giving up on me 

For providing a safe place for me to fall

For forming a supportive community of ED sufferers 

You girls saved my life and my sanity over and over again

Thank you 

I love you 

I will never forget you

If you want to stay in touch 

Please email me 

Andthenshedisappeared@yahoo.ie

We can Facebook or whatever suits you

Xxxxxx

Facebook

https://m.facebook.com/The-adventures-of-one-girl-two-dogs-and-a-pony-called-Coco-1444045862286398/

Still here...

Yes

I am still here 

I know 

I'm not terribly active here on blogger anymore

But I do like to check in once in a while

So 

I've had a busy week to say the least

Mary had asked me to do some media interviews as part of EDAW

So I did two radio interviews

And two newspaper interviews

I have to tell you

It was a scary business

But I think they went well

I really did my best 

And I wanted to do for all ED sufferers out there

And for you 

Monday I did Ocean FM

Which was live in the studio

At one point I went completely blank 

Couldn't remember what I was doing

Or saying 

 Couldn't even remember my own name 

But I think I managed to pick it up again without too much dead air

The interviewer was lovely 

And Mary and my Mam  were there

I couldn't ask for better support

It lasted about 15 minutes 

And I did my best to get everything in to the interview 

Of course when it was over 

I thought of all the things I could have said 

But look

It's done now 

After the interview on Monday 

We picked up the newspaper I featured in

I went in to the shop

And there I was on the front page

I nearly died

And immediately became super self conscious 

Theng there was a big photo of myself and Mary on page 11

Oh my God it was a very strange experience seeing myself in print

Then on Tuesday 

I had an interview on Shannonside FM

Which was over the phone

Again I was very nervous 

At one point I mentioned my blog 

And the interviewer asked me for the name of it

I didn't know what to say 

So I said I would tell him after the interview 

He didn't push the issue after that 

I was so relieved to have all the interviews over with 

I probably will never know if I helped anyone 

I know in the days following 

Two girls presented to Mary having heard my interviews

That in itself is amazing!

To know I made a difference 

And my story mattered

On Wednesday 

I went horse riding 

And we had the final day of our course 

So they did a little graduation ceremony 

And we got certs and ribbons

So lovely 

I am thoroughly enjoying horse riding again 

I wish I could do more of it

I know now that I made the right decision leaving my course 

I have no doubt about that 

In other news 

You might have seen that I made a Facebook page for me, my dogs and Coco

Being a bit of a technophobe 

I am still trying to navigate my way through it 

I don't know how to share the link here 

So if someone could let me know 

I would be hella grateful

But yes 

My relationship with Coco continues to blossom

I love that little pony so much 

He brings so much happiness to my life 

Bit by bit 

He has relaxed around me 

And is letting his personality shine 

He is such a character 

A cheeky monkey 

One of his favourite things to go is pull my hat off my head 

And play with it in his mouth

He also likes to run around like a complete lunatic 

He drinks tea 

He rolls around 

We play chase 

And generally have a lot of fun

I am now taking charge of feeding him

And more interest I show in him

The more his owner stands back 

So I'm not really sure what is happening 

But I'm too attached now to walk away

In other news

I booked a day photographer to come and take photos of me and the dogs and Coco

We are going to do it in the field 

It costs €90 everything included

So I think that's pretty good going 

Can't wait to share them with you 

Anyway

That's all from me today 

Hope you are all doing ok

And if someone could please tell me how to share the link to my page 

I will love you forever....