Operation Freedom: Take 2

I saw Mary this morning
I accidentally on purpose forgot my food monitoring records
So she said she had to cut the session short because that's what she was going to work on today
I seem to have a huge problem recording my intake
I just don't want to have to write down everytime I purge
It's too difficult to face
Too depressing
And then having to show someone else
That's just too much
But as she says, those records are how I learn what I'm doing right and wrong
So why can't I do it?

It's getting embarrassing
Every Tuesday and Friday I go to see her
And every week I've made precious little progress
There's always a reason not to recover
Always an excuse
A reservation
The thing is I crave independence
My own life
A career
Friends
Partner
Just a regular life free from this monster
But all of that is outweighed by the fact that I don't want to gain weight
And I can't have one without the other

I started Operation Freedom last week
But after gaining 4 pounds it quickly descended in to Operation Freefall
Interestingly when Mary weighed me today, the 4 pounds had miraculously disappeared
I now wonder did I imagine the whole thing
It wouldn't surprise me these days

I seem to sabotage myself
I'm my own worst enemy
If I could just get out of my own way I might get somewhere
Mary asked me straight out if I want to get well
All I could say was 'I do and I don't'
And that's the truth
It changes from day to day
Hour to hour
Minute to minute
She said that no one can do this but me
'Then why don't I want it more' I asked her
She said she couldn't answer that
I have to figure that one out myself
She asked me if I though I was worth saving
I said not particularly
She spoke about self esteem and said I need to do things to look after myself more
I read somewhere recently that if you don't value your life then death means nothing either
And that's so true
Death doesn't bother me because life means so little to me

As I've said before I can talk about recovery until the end of time but it doesn't count for anything if I don't do something about it
If I don't take action
So I'm going to attempt Operation Freedom again
Even though I'm not sure it's what I want
How will I know if I don't try
Fake it 'til you make it and all that
I remember when I was getting clean off drugs
I made a deal with myself that I would try recovery and give it my best for 6 months
If things hadn't improved by then I could always go back
Drugs will always be there but recovery might not be
And that worked
Knowing I could go back at any time helped me in a weird way
Inevitably things did improve and I never did go back
So I'm thinking that's what I should do now
I've nothing to lose and everything to gain

Anyone out there suffering with an ED knows how soul destroying it is
It sucks the life right out of you
It brings you to the darkest place
Your mind is not your own
I guess the question is do I want to be thin and miserable or a healthy weight and possibly happy
I was watching a programme last night and I found myself laughing
Then I realise it had been months or possibly years since I last laughed
I mean really laughed
 A Proper belly laugh
There's is nothing that feels as good as laughing
I miss that
I miss peace of mind
Feeling comfortable in my own skin
Not feeling anxious
I miss so much

Mary says that it's the small changes that add up to be big leaps
So I'm going to start small
No big empty gestures
Little steps
Baby steps
Rome wasn't built in a day
I know this is a slow process
It can take months to recover physically
Years to recover emotionally
A life time to get over it completely
But to be free of this thing would be worth it
I'm tired of feeling like a spectator to life
Living a half life
Somewhere between life and death

Mary had me write down this

'Every step brings me nearer to my goal'
The goal being happiness, health, independence, freedom and peace of mind
She said to use it as my mantra

I have to keep reminding myself that this is not my first rodeo
I've been this way for a long time
I tend to compare myself to other sufferers
But most other sufferers are younger than me
By the time they are my age most will have some sort of recovery

So I'm going to start and I'll have to be strict with myself
First thing is my choice of reading material
I'm rereading Wintergirls right now and just today I realised that I was trying to keep up with Lia's weightloss
I managed not to buy binge food today too
I'm going to put the money I save from buying binge food towards a fund for a new hair cut
It's not much but that's what I can do today
I'll deal with tomorrow tomorrow
I  just have to keep trying
Yes I fall but the important thing is to get back up, dust myself off and keep going
Keep believing
And keep hoping

My Day!

Today is the first glorious weather we have had so far this year so I thought I would take the opportunity to take you on a little tour of my day

Enjoy..............

First things first, weighing in

Blogging

Walkies!

View from my garden

Medication

Doctor's

My chemist

Everything looks better in the sunshine

Hanging out at the beach

Lea cooling off in a rock pool

Honey's a bit more cautious

Lea loves going in the car

Copycat Banksy

We passed these cute donkeys on the way home

Lunch

My nephew Oisin

Having a cheeky smoke

Day 4: Fighting Back

Today is Day 4 of Operation Freedom
Day 1 went well
I was motivated and determined to kick bulimia's ass
I managed to get through the day without purging
However I didn't manage to eat 3 meals and I mostly ate biscuits
Day 2 went a bit better
Again I managed not to purge and managed to eat a small portion of chicken stir fry
The first meal I've eaten and kept down in a long time
I didn't weigh for the first 2 days but yesterday morning curiosity got the better of me
I felt like I had gained and I wanted to reassure myself that I hadn't put on 10 pounds
Not quite 10 pounds but I did gain almost 4 pounds
4 freakin' pounds
In 2 days?
What the.......?

I bypassed disappointment and upset and went straight to anger
Raging, feel like I'm gonna explode, steam coming out my ears anger
Anger for trying to do the right thing and being slapped in the face
Anger at Mary for wanting me to gain weight
But most of all angry with myself for caring what the scale says
Realistically I know that part of that gain is rehydration but that was of little comfort
I sat down with a cigarette and tried to make sense of the gain
I don't know why but I seem to lose weight when I binge and purge and seem to gain when I eat normally
I tried to talk myself out of it but before I knew it, I was in my car driving to the shop
The feelings I felt reminded of when I relapsed on drugs
I know I shouldn't be doing this but I can't stop myself
As I was driving I kept thinking to myself, 'It's not too late, no damage done yet, I can still turn around and go home'
I had butterflies in my stomach, just like when I used to get drugs
I knew I would regret this but I feel powerless to stop myself
At this point I should've rang someone
I should have reached out and asked for help
But all I could think of was 4 pounds
4
Fucking
Pounds

I kept driving
I was driving like a maniac
Like the raging bulimic that I am
I parked outside the shop
Tried to calm myself down
And walked in trying to look half normal
I got what I needed and started for home
'It's still not too late' I thought to myself
I can still stop this and turn this day around
I got home and started to prepare my first binge
It all felt so wrong
I already felt guilty and I hadn't even taken a bite yet
Even as the pasta was cooking I knew I could still stop
But I felt I was on auto pilot
Bulimia was in charge now
She had taken over and once she starts there is no stopping her

I ate the pasta quickly
I inhaled it
It didn't taste good
I didn't enjoy it
It was a means to the end
I just wanted to feel the relief of it leaving my stomach
Still chewing the last mouthful, I made my way to the bathroom
'It's still not too late' I thought
I don't have to do this
But I did it
And God forgive me, it felt good
Then the guilt hit me
Hit me hard
I couldn't deal with the feelings so I binged and purged again
And again
And again
By this stage I just said 'Fuck it'
I spent the day marching between the kitchen and the bathroom
I have a path worn by now
I used enemas too
I  just wanted to feel empty
I achieved that anyway

So today is Monday
A new day
A fresh start
A chance to wipe the slate clean
To put yesterdays mistakes in the past
I weighed this morning and lost 2 pounds
I feel slightly relieved
Today Operation Freedom is back on track
I could beat myself up for yesterday but what would that achieve
I'll learn from it and move on
Heck if I gave up everytime I hit a hurdle I would never get anywhere
So what have I learned?
I've learned that slips happen
It's part and parcel of addiction and ED's
I've learned not to say 'Fuck it' and let one slip ruin my whole day
I've learned that it's probably not a good idea to weigh everyday
That I need to look at my weight over a period of time and not day to day
I've learned that no matter how I try to get around it, I have to gain weight if I want to recover

And it's not so much the weight gain itself that upsets me, it's what the weight gain stands for
When you define yourself by your ability to lose weight, then any gain is like a failure
It feels like I'm losing control
At this weight I feel protected
It's hard to explain but I feel safe
Gaining weight means I'm exposed
Vulnerable
It means that I'm normal
Average
Just another girl
Being small sets me apart form people
I was doing some reading last night about procrastination and it said that a lot of the time people are more afraid of success than they are of failure
The thinking being that if I succeed then more will be expected of me
That's exactly how I feel
If I gain weight and try to recover then people will have expectations of me to do more
And what if I'm not able to do more?
What if I try to recover and fall flat on my face?
It's safer and more comfortable to be in a place where I'm 'sick' and people don't expect much from me
People leave me alone
The thought of getting a job terrifies me
The thought of going to college scares the shit out of me
The only thing that I am an expert on is addiction and ED's
If I was a contestant on Mastermind, they would be my specialist subjects

These are things that I really need to work on
Self confidence
Self worth
Self esteem
Believing in myself
I guess this is why taking baby steps works
You set yourself small and manageable goals
When you meet your goal, you feel good and it gives you the confidence to make a slightly bigger goal

So today I'm fighting back
My ED got so angry with me for gaining
But she is angry because she is afraid
She can see I mean business and she is worried that she is getting weaker
I often think that recovering from an ED is like trying to tame a wild animal
You can manage it and tame it
But there is always the possibility that it will bite you
My ED tried to bite me yesterday
And yes she did take a chunk out of me but today my bite is healing and I feel strong again
I know only too well that this process is often 2 steps forward and 1 step back
The trick is to pick myself up, dust myself off and keep going
Keep fighting
Keep trusting
Keep believing
And most importantly keep hoping

If you are struggling today, try to remember this
We are not perfect
And recovery is not about perfection
If you are looking for that you will be bitterly disappointed
It's about positive changes
Growing
Finding freedom from this cruel illness
It's a trial and error process
We find out the hard way what helps us and what hinders us
Slips and relapses happen
It's how we deal with them that counts
We can lie down and hold up our white flag
Or we draw a line and move on
Acknowledge the slip
Learn from it
And continue to fight
I could beat myself up over yesterday
But what would that achieve?
Absolutely nothing

So remember we can fight back
We can take control of our lives
Sometimes it feels impossible
But I believe it is possible
It has to be
It just has to be

'God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference'

See, I am drinking the Ensures!

Day 1: Operation Freedom

Last Friday when I saw Mary she suggested that I begin to take Ensures to supplement my diet and increase my ever dwindling weight
I was apprehensive at first as Ensures and  the like conjure up bad memories of being forced to drink them, hospital stays and just general unpleasantness
But after some thought I decided to talk to my doctor about it
I saw him on Monday
My blood tests came back normal but being the weird eating disordered person that I am, I was almost upset that they were normal
I guess I don't always believe that I have an ED and I look for evidence to show that I do
Does that make sense?
Anyway I brought up the subject of Ensures and he said that he has an issue prescribing them
He said people use them when they are 'too lazy to eat food'
Eh ok
He did prescribe them though
So I arrived home with 20 vanilla flavoured Ensures
But just bringing them in to my house doesn't magically make me gain weight
I actually have to drink  the things
Today, 5 days later I am still on my first one

I saw Mary again yesterday for a marathon 2 hour session
I was hoping to gain a bit or at least maintain but I lost another half kilo
I remember the buzz I used to get from seeing the number go down
But now I just feel sad, disappointed, guilty and slighlyt ashamed
Here I am
I have all this help and support and I'm throwing it all away
Throwing my life away
She immediately said that she would have to talk to my psychiatrist
It would be in his hands then
She said she can't enable my behaviour
She can't continue to treat me if I continue with this
She said that there is a team meeting next Wednesday and if things don't begin to improve before then, I may not be able to keep seeing her
I am seeing her again next Tuesday and I have to get the purging under control and at least maintain my weight
I though  that seemed like an overwhelming task
But as my mother pointed out I have been seeing Mary for over a year and I do know what to do
I can talk about recovery until I'm blue in the face but until I take action it's all futile
Nothing changes of nothing changes
For the first time ever she mentioned inpatient
She asked if I would be willing to go
The answer to that is that I just don't know
I didn't get any better in treatment
And in the end I still have to come home and face reality
But it's an option and it's something I will think about

Mary showed me a presentation about body image that she put together
Part of it was about body dysmorphia and bigorexia
This is the opposite to anorexia where a person believes they are too small  and want to be bigger
She showed me a photo similar to this one



I couldn't hide my shock when I saw it
And said 'That is crazy, does he not know what he looks like?'
Mary said that in his head he believes that his body looks good
She asked 'Do you not think that people think that when they look at you?'
I was stumped
It's true
Looking at a photo of an emaciated person is just as shocking as this photo
'But I look normal' I said
And I really do believe that
I know that I'm not fat
But I also know that I'm not emaciated
I am 8kilos heavier than my lowest weight ever
However I do accept that I don't see myself they way others do
But coming to terms with the fact that I have to regain weight terrifies me
I just can't comprehend it at the moment
I want to get well but -
There's always a but
Always a reason
An excuse
A reservation
Logically I know that I can't fully recover and stay at this weight
As hard as that is to realise, it's true

To make any headway at all I have to address the purging
It's so out of control that I am purging up to 10 times a day
I spend a fortune on food
I spend hours binging and purging
It's a horrible existence
And I say existence because it is not a life
It's a death sentence
So today is day one of Operation Freedom
I started this morning by having tea and half a slice of toast for breakfast
Then I went food shopping with my mother and managed not to buy binge food
That felt so good
Usually I go from shop to shop stocking up
Today I walked around the shop and felt strong enough to resist
I'm talking this bit by bit
Hour by hour
Meal by meal
I can't handle anything more than that
I have to be careful not to go to the other extreme and not eat at all
I have to make good food choices and eat regularly
And distract myself after eating
It's going to be tough
I am prepared for that
I just want to be able to go in to Mary on Tuesday and say ' I haven't purged since I last saw you'
That would just be magic

I got a text this week from a girl I was in treatment with
Since leaving treatment she has gained a lot of weight
Tried to kill herself numerous times
Been sectioned
Developed bulimia on top of anorexia
It was a stark reminder of where this illness can bring us
To the brink

A good friend once said to me that it's not a choice between the ED and recovery, it's a choice between life and death
I'm going to choose life

In your dreams

I love sleeping
It's the only time my head is at peace
The voices are gone
The arguments cease
The constant tug of war is silent
I can slip away in to another time, another place
My dreams
I love dreaming too
It's like being in a movie
Anything could happen
Everything is possible
There are no limits
No boundaries
Imagination takes over and the lines between fantasy and reality are blurred

I remember when I was using I had the most intense dreams
They were so real that sometimes when I think back on that time I can't work out if an event really happened or if I dreamt it
I get plagued by night terrors from time to time
The first time I experienced them I was just home from a alcohol fuelled holiday in Spain
That night I went to sleep and had the most freakiest dreams
Nightmares that seemed so real
I remember trying to wake myself up but I felt like I was underwater and couldn't find my way to the surface
My mother heard me screaming and came in to wake me
I was so afraid that I actually slept beside my mother so she could wake me up if it happened again
I'm sure it was partly due to the amount of alcohol I drank and then the shock of having none at all
It has happened a few times since but never as bad as that night

I also have a recurring dream about once or twice a week
The dream can be different but my ex-boyfriend is always in it
There are always drugs in the dream and he always has them
In the dream I don't want to be around my ex but I want the drugs
Very rarely do I actually use drugs in my dreams but a lot of the time I'm trying to get them or someone else has them
I'm always so relieved when I wake up from the dream
Relieved that I am not back in my old life
I'm not quite sure why I dream about my ex so much
I have no feeling for him
I have no desire to see him or speak to him
He rarely pops in to my mind and yet he makes appearance after appearance in my dreams

I started going out with this boy when I was 16
I was in the local swimming club and he was a lifeguard
He had a reputation of being a drug user
That made him even more attractive to me
We started going out and from the get go drugs were involved
He was the one that introduced me to heroin
As we became addicted we became less like a couple and more like partners in crime
It was all about the drugs
I probably would've left long ago if I wasn't so dependant on him
It really was a sick relationship
I couldn't stand being around him of I was sober
I suppose at one point I did love him
Or thought I loved him
But over time the relationship fizzled out
And when I moved away and got clean I left him and  my old life behind
I know that he is now also on a methadone programme
Apart from that I know little else how he is doing

So I don't know why I have this dream over and over again
Maybe I feel that I have unfinished business with him
Maybe on some level I miss those days
Maybe it means something else

I do believe that our dreams mean something
Whether we know what that meaning is or not

Do you believe that our dreams have a meaning?
Do you have a recurring dream?

Little white lies

 I was inspired to write this post after reading a post Emily wrote over at Bulimia Girl
Her post was about the lies she tells to herself and others
So I decided to write about my own little white lies



Lying became a sort of career for me when I was addicted to drugs
I believed my own lies
With my ED lying and denial are part and parcel of the illness
Anorexia thrives on secrets and lies
I think a huge part of recovery is learning to be honest with ourselves and others
And that's really difficult
I've told some pretty huge lies in the past
Most of the time I told them for attention or because I was too ashamed to tell the truth
Sometimes lies are necessary though  but as long as it doesn't hurt anyone that's ok

At the moment I'm trying to be as  honest as I can with Mary
I'm seeing her for over a year now and it's only recently that I've started to really open up
It takes me a while to build trust with someone and I do completely trust Mary now
Guilt and shame are a big part of my ED
And these emotions fuel the lies I tell
I'm supposed to keep food records for Mary but I rarely complete them honestly
Even though I know she is pretty unshockable, I still feel incredibly embarrassed about my food and eating habits
I speak very openly with Mary now
Bit by bit I peel back the layers and let her in to my life
And it does pay off

So here are some of the lies I tell on a regular basis

'No, I'm not hungry at all'
She says even though she would eat her own toe nail clippings if the were seasoned

'No, I didn't take all my meds'
She says as drool dribbles down her chin

'No, I didn't eat my nephews Easter eggs'
In reality I ate them all
All four of them

'I'm fine'
Fucked up
Insecure
Neurotic
Emotional

'No, I didn't break the laptop'
When  really I spilled a cup of tea on it after falling asleep because I took too many tablets

'Yes, I did pay for these goods'

'No thanks, I don't want any pizza'
Yes I do
I really  do
I really, really do!

'No, I didn't burn that hole on the carpet'
I actually feel asleep with a smoke in my hand

'No, that wasn't me getting sick in the bathroom

To pharmacist: 'No, these enemas aren't for me, they're for my mother, yes she does know not to use them too often

'No I didn't get up in the middle of the night and eat all the biscuits'




'No, I don't think  that I'll ever use drugs again'

'No, I don't miss using'

'No, I'm not dizzy'
She says as she grabs the wall

Doctor: How often do you purge?
Me: Oh me? Just a couple of times a day, cough cough
More like a couple of times an hour

'Yes, I did eat breakfast'
Do biscuits count?

'Yes, I do intend on eating dinner'
I just don't intend on keeping it down

Someone: You look well Ruby
Me: Oh, thank you
In my head: Hate you, hate you, hate you, hate you.........

'Yes, I'm ready to come off the methadone'
Just not this week

'No, I didn't break the toilet'
That toilet is working overtime

'I have no idea why I'm losing weight'

'No, I don't weigh myself everyday'
Eh, yes I do, more like 5 times a day and keep a record of the number

'Yes, I do care about my health problems'

'Yes, I do intend on quitting smoking and no I'm not worried if I do I'll gain weight'
She says as she lights a smoke

'Yes, I do realise that I'm underweight'
In my head: I'm a big fat piggy

What lies do you tell, about your ED or anything else?

With every grief, joy repays

I saw Mary this morning
On my way in I met a girl
I used to work for her and her husband
I haven't seen this girl in years but I've run in to her 3 times in the last 2 weeks
I don't like it when I see her
When I worked for her and her husband I was incredibly ill
I used to purge in the staff bathroom
And do totally crazy things like take 2 euros from the till
2 euros
I have no idea why
So when I see her all these memories come flooding back
The guilt is overwhelming
2 euros
This girl and her husband were incredibly kind to me over the years I worked for them
They came to see me in hospital
Invited me to their kids birthdays
So when I got as far as Mary I was a mess
The words tumbled out of me
Mary let me speak and then calmly said
'Stop
Take a deep breath'
I tried to get a hold of myself

She weighed me which was unexpected as she doesn't usually weigh me twice a week
Down another half kilo from Tuesday
The days of getting a high from losing are long gone
Now I  just feel sad
She explained that I am at the BMI where she can no longer see me
That she should really refer me back to my psychiatrist
But she says she doesn't want to do that
She says she knows I can do this

She told me a story about a little girl
She spoke as if the story was about someone else but at the end she said 'I know this story is true because that little girl was me'
I won't share the story with you
I'm sure you understand why
When she finished speaking I burst in to tears
Big fat, salty, tears
She immediately apologised and said she didn't mean to upset me
But I wasn't upset about the story
It was actually a really hopeful story
I was totally disarmed that she had  shared something so personal with me
And she did because she thought it would help me

My father asked me last week if Mary ever gets frustrated with me
The short answer is no
Never
Not once
She is passionate about her work
Determined to help
But frustrated?
No

I came out of the session  feeling really emotional
I think I realised for the first time that someone really believes I can get well
Sees me beyond my ED
Is bending the rules to help me
I've seen umpteen counsellors and therapists over the years
Mary is definitely the exception rather than the rule
I came out emotional but also hopeful
Mary seems so convinced that recovery is possible for me
And she is an expert in her field
She sat with me for an hour and a half this morning and gently helped me write out goals for the week
Usually I write these goals and I have no intention of meeting or even trying to meet them
But today I took some time to write ones that are realistic

Before I saw Mary today, I had been planning to buy enemas
But when I came out I found that I didn't want them anymore
I'm not saying that I've had this amazing epiphany or any thing like it
I suppose I'm feeling more open to change
More open to doing the right thing

Weight loss is not making me happy
I read a blog yesterday and the bloggers UGW is the weight I am now
She probably thinks that she would gladly change places with me
But the truth is I would give my left arm for the life she has
She has a husband
Kids
A home
A life
A purpose
Reaching her UGW is not going to make her happier
All it means is that she now takes up less space
Nothing more

I have been every weight from 77lbs to 130lbs
I can honestly say that I was the happiest when I was closer to 130lbs

Sometimes I think to myself 'I'll just have one more year of anorexia, go as low as I can go and then recover'
But the truth is that I might not have another year
I may have another round of my ED in me
But I do not have another recovery in me
I've been this way for 12 years
And recent events have proved that health problems do happen
I can't live this way and expect to get away with it
My body is hurting
Every time I stand up I have to grab the wall as I get so dizzy and my legs wobble
My energy is no existent
Everything is fuzzy
My mood is definitely effected
Everything is effected
It's killing me slowly

So I have a lot of work to do this week
Mary suggested that I get Ensures or Fortisips
I would rather not
I'll try eating more first and see how I go
I didn't buy binge food today
I'm going to try and eat 3 small meals
Also I'm going to start to improve my environment
My room for starters
I never open the curtains in my room so I'm going to now
I'm going to clean out my wardrobe
I have a shit ton of clothes
My weight changes so often that I keep clothes in every size known to woman
I need to get rid of my 'anorexic clothes'
That will be hard but it has to be done

Today I feel a sliver of hope
I feel like maybe all is not lost
That it's not too late
I'm afraid
I'm terrified that I'll fall flat on my face
But how will I know if I don't try
I want to be the Ruby I used to be
I liked her
This monster of an ED has almost crushed me
Almost broken my spirit
Almost but not quite

Today I feel grateful
For Mary and the impact that she has had on my life
Her words are ringing ears

'With every grief, joy repays'