Normal service will resume shortly

So yes I am back
After all of 36 hours
I tried to take a break from blogging before
And I couldn't do it
I even set up a different blog over on Wordpress last year
In an attempt to kick start my recovery
Then the lovely Angharad and myself collaborated on a blog called Partners in Crime over on WP
But  I always felt pulled back to this blog
I always came back here
Maybe because this is where it all started
Maybe because I know all of you
What ever the reason 
And then she disappeared will always have a special place in my heart

My computer is completely playing up today
It's impossible to type
So I will go and try and sort it out
And get back to you with a proper post later in the day
So yes
Normal service will resume shortly.....

Back

So my break lasted all of 36 hours
I couldn't stay away
Normal service resumes tomorrow
I'm back.........

See you on the flip side

I've decided to take a break from blogging
I've been thinking about it for a while
And I think it's something that I really need to do
For myself
To sort my head
To figure out what I am doing and where I am going
I just feel so all over the place at the moment
My food is suffering
I think I'm losing weight again
I need to get back on track
Get my priorities straight
I'm putting a lot of pressure on myself to do things
Exercise
Go on outings with my sister
Even blogging
I am pushing myself hard
I need to have a breather
And take some time for me

I don't know when I will be back
Maybe a few days
Maybe a few weeks
But I will be back for sure

In the mean time if you need to contact me please do
I will always reply
So take care of yourselves
Be kind to yourselves
I will be thinking of you

All my love,

Ruby x

Confession time

Ok
So I'm a bit all over the place at the moment
And it is showing in my behaviours
I shoplifted again
And not just once
A few times
What the hell is wrong with me?
It's like I sabotage myself
Everytime things seem to be going well
I come along with my self destructive-ness
And f**k it all up

Rewind to a few weeks
I took a pair of trousers and a white top from a well known shop
Having tried the trousers on at home
I didn't like them much
So yesterday I brought them back to the shop
To exchange them for something else
How cheeky am I?

I found another pair of trousers costing the same
And brought them up to the counter to exchange them
My heart was thumping as I handed in the trousers
'Could I change these please?
I got them as a present so I don't have the receipt
But the tags are still on them'
The girl was really polite and said that was fine
I waited as she did the transaction
Then it occurred to me
What if when she scans the trousers
She sees that they weren't paid for in the first place
I became mildly anxious
But tried to hold it together
The girl was busy pressing buttons on the till
And then........
'Oh there is something wrong here' she said
'Shit shit shit' ran through my head
The girl called another girl over
And I resisted the urge to turn around and RUN
All I could think was 'Ruby, why do you do these things?
It's like you want to get in to trouble'

The two girls played around with the till
And eventually finished the transaction
'Sorry about that' she said
God, I just ripped this shop off and she is saying sorry to me
This is so warped
I took my bag and began to walk out of the shop

But I wasn't finished then
Oh no
On my way out I saw some cute tops
I brought 4 in to the changing rooms
And slipped 2 in to my bag
You are one classy chick Ruby

Seriously though
This is getting out of hand
I need to stop doing this
Pronto
Before the s*it really does hit the fan
I really don't understand myself sometimes
It's like when things are finally going well for me
I decided to mess it all up

And it would be a disaster if I was caught
I live in a small town
Word would spread like wild fire
It would be beyond mortifying

I always believed that I was a bad person
And this behaviour confirms it
Or maybe I am just sick
I don't know any more
All I know is that I don't want to this
But I can't seem to control myself
What is wrong with me?

It's been really hard to write this post
As I am worried about what people will think of me
Will you think any less of me?
But I have to write it
I have to be honest
And I have to tell on my ED
Because I have no doubt that this is part of my ED
I know it is
But knowing that does not ease my guilt
I still think I am just a bad person
Please tell me I am not a bad person

HELP!!!!!!

Rituals

I just published a post
Then promptly deleted it
It was pretentious  drivel
Indulging my eating disorder
Feeling sorry for myself
'Looking for notice' as my mother would say

The truth is that yes, I did sleep the whole day away today
No, I did not overuse my meds
I was just so over tired from my exertions over the last week
I have been doing a lot
And I love that now I am doing much more
But my body can't keep up with my brain
I need to feed my body more
So I can do these things

You see
My problem is that I can't eat outside of my house
Correction
I can eat
But my ED won't let me
When I eat at home
It is like a ritual
A ceremony
I use certain cups
Plates
And cutlery
If I am on my own in the house
I set everything up in the sitting room
My cup in it's place
A tray for my plate
Salt and pepper (Because I am a salt and pepper addict)
I put in my favourite tv programme
And let the ceremony begin

I eat things in a certain way
A certain amount of bites
Then a drink
Add salt
Add pepper
Every move carefully co-ordinated for maximum enjoyment

I like eating on my own
I like not having to make polite conversation at the table
I find it quite hard to eat around others
I just don't enjoy my food in the same way

I know it is quite eating disordered to eat this way
That it is normal to eat at the table with others
But it is an effort for me to do that

I was wondering about you
Do you have food rituals and habits like me?
Do you eat on your own or with others?
I'd love to know

Strandhill on Sunday

After swimming this morning
I spent a lovely day in Strandhill with my Mum, my sister
And of course Honey and Lea
Who are never far from my side
We walked the beach
Went to the craft fair
And went for tea
It was a day well spent
Here is photographic record of the day..........

Out and about

I did something this morning that I haven't done in years
Excluding last week when I had to do it because Honey was drowning
Yes, I went swimming
I've had my swimming bag packed for months
But I only worked up the courage to go  today
And that was mostly because my sister went with me

My first challenge was to de-fuzz my body
I don't tend to get my body out very much so there was much de-fuzzing to be done
Then my dilemma was what to wear swimming
I went through my wardrobe and found various options
A navy bikini
A white and navy striped bikini
A pair of blue swimming togs
And a nice sleek pair of black Speedos
I also took rashie and a pair of little shorts out
What to wear, what to wear?
I finally decided on the black Speedos as they were the least conspicuous
We had a quick cuppa
And then it was off to the pool

As a child/teenager I was a member of the local swimming club
And swam competitively for my county
I lived in the pool
I swam before school
After school
I loved it
But then when I turned 15 I started to smoke and drink
And generally act the maggot
I quickly lost interest in my beloved swimming
Since then I have rarely swam
Up until today that is

We arrived at the pool
I invested in a good pair of goggles
We changed and ventured out in to the pool area
Thankfully it was early and we were the first ones there
I avoided any mirrors
As I afraid that if I saw my almost naked body
I might run screaming from the building

I waded in to the water
It was warm
I immediately felt at home
It felt amazing
The water supports me no matter what my body weight
Weight ceases to have any meaning when you are in the water
We swam for about half an hour
Then the place started to be invaded by children
So we headed for the sauna before calling it a day

I felt so good after wards
Even if the chlorine did strip a layer of skin off me
I can't wait to go again
And again
 And again........

Sorry no swimming photos
The blogosphere is not ready to see my partially naked body
But here is one of me and my sister taken after said swimming