34 D

People

I have no words

Well actually I do 

But more like letters and numbers

Today I did something that I've been meaning to do since I was in my teens

Get fitted properly for a bra

Yes

I have stumbled through life thus far in ill fitting cheap bras 

And sports bras

Never in my life have I known what size I am 

Until today

My Mum was going in to her book club in town

So I decided to tag along 

And go and get fitted for said bra

But not before I got totally sidelined by the fluffy pyjamas and slippers in Dunnes

I just couldn't resist 

Then 

After I was €40 lighter

I headed to the bra shop

I guess I had preconceived notions of what a lingerie shop would be like 

The one in our town is in a department store 

I pictured little old ladies

With bad eye sight 

And measuring tapes 

But actually what I got was young polish girl 

I say girl

She was probably in her forties 

And boy did she know her stuff 

I had a budget of €50

And was hoping to get two bras for that

First

We went to the dressing room

Where she measured me

She wasn't entirely sure what size I was 

So she gave me a couple to try on

I looked at the size of the first one

34 D

I laughed at this point 

But she insisted I try it on 

And you know what?

It fit like a dream

OM freakin' G

I actually am a 34 D 

I was beyond shocked 

She told me to put my top back on over the bra to see how it looked

And holy shit!

Having my boobs in the right place totally changed my shape 

You guys

This is a revelation of epic proportions!

You see 

When I was looking at photos of our holiday 

I noticed that my boobs were a law unto themselves 

The only bras I had were ones that are comfortable 

But with absolutely no support whatsoever 

I swear they were all over the shop

Hanging down towards my knees in some photos

And in others 

Had disappeared under my arms 

It was very clear to me when I saw these photos 

That something had to be done about the boobage situation

I had to get it under control

So after I tried on the first bra

I was sold 

It cost €29

So I was on budget 

Next Nice Polish Lady had me try on some that were in the sale

She actually found one that fit me that was in the sale for €10

I was beyond impressed with my new Polish friend 

So 

I came away €39 lighter

But with two new best friends

Three if you count my Polish friend

I left that shop feeling like a million bucks 

If a bit shocked still at my size

But you guys

It's only now 

In my thirties 

That I am finally figuring all this stuff out 

Who knew that a correctly fitting bra could change my life so much?

Not me 

That's for sure 

I can't wait to wear my new bras 

I'm going to march around 

Proudly displaying my 34 Ds

I still can't believe I am that size 

But you've got to work with what you've got 

And I for one 

Left that shop today 

Feeling like I had just had a boob job

It's such a turn around from yesterday

When I was feeling so ugly and non descript

Today I feel like I have actively done something 

To accentuate my new shape

My new body 

And my new boobs!!

So 

On to the photos 

I am not brave enough to show you pics of me in my bra

But I will show you the difference the new bra makes to my shape 

Here goes... 

Edit: Photos do not do it justice

If I can get better ones I will post them

'Damn Unpretty'

I'm in the mood to complain 

So please bear with me 

 I'm  struggling a lot at the moment

With my appearance 

My weight

My shape 

My face 

My hair 

Everything

I just feel really ugly 

Fat

Monstrous 

Gigantic 

I feel like I have no redeeming features at the moment

My face is pale and puffy

My hair is grey, limp and lifeless

My scalp has been attacked by a bout of psoriasis 

Meaning it looks like it's snowing from my head

And the medication for it makes my hair horribly greasy 

I've stopped tanning

So my colour is rapidly fading 

So all in all

I feel like a big fat heffalump

Trying to find something to wear of a morning

Is becoming increasingly difficult and stressful

I try on item after item

And I feel like it just doesn't suit me

Doesn't fit me properly 

Or it makes me look fat

I just can't seem to win these days

I know looks aren't everything

I know that what counts is on the inside 

But when you feel so ugly

That Is of little consulation 

I accepted a long time ago

That I would never be one of the beautiful ones

At my best 

In good lighting 

And with a good dollop of make up

I am something approaching pretty

In a kind of girl next door kind of way

But beautiful?

No 

That was never me 

And I've accepted that I never will be 

And that's ok

It just means I've had to develop a personality 

And often that can take you further than beauty 

I am not 

And have never been a girly girl

I've always been something of a Tomboy

I didn't play with dolls growing up

I didn't covet pretty dresses 

I preferred to play in the fields around our house 

Yes, I did ballet

But our teacher was never conventional 

And we did all sorts of dancing 

Not just your  tu-tu type of dancing 

I've also always been slim

Being a competitive swimmer and dancer 

I was always pin thin

Even though at the time I thought my thighs were huge

I look back on photos 

And I see I was wonderfully petite 

It's a pity I couldn't enjoy it at the time 

I can remember when I gave up dancing 

I had heard that when you stopped dancing 

Your muscles turned to fat 

And was even told it had happened to a certain girl 

I was terrified 

And it was part of the reason I started smoking 

To control my weight 

Thinking back

I can see that I was weight and shape conscious from an early age 

Being in ballet attire 

And a swimming suit a lot of the time

My body was on show

And I was very aware of that 

I can remember my ballet teacher told me once 

That I was becoming too thin

And losing too much weight 

I can remember being secretly pleased 

Of course I didn't really need to worry about my weight when I was so active 

I trained before school

After school 

Then ballet 

The gym 

Running 

I was always on the go 

But even when I gave up all the activity 

I still remained slim

It wasn't until I left home 

That I put on a few pounds 

But no where near over weight 

I remember I was eating a breakfast roll for lunch 

And pasta for dinner everyday 

With no exercise 

So I did become a little round and rotund 

But again 

I lost it as quickly as I put it on

Then came the drug years 

I literally ate nothing at this time 

And the weight fell off me 

I really looked like a typical drug addict 

Under weight 

Pale 

Huge black eyes 

Sunken cheeks 

And a haunted look on my face 

At the time 

I had no idea that I was so thin

But I do remember that not eating made me feel good

So in reality 

I think my ED started probably a lot sooner than the age I thought it did

I always say that it started when I was 19

But if I am honest 

It started a lot earlier than that

At least the thinking and the behaviours did 

My teenage years laid the ground work for a very serious ED

Since the age of 19

My weight has fluctuated wildly

Even to this day 

My weight changes on a daily basis 

Over the years 

My BMI has gone from 13 to 23 

And back again 

Over and over 

I have no idea what my weight is now

As I just can't bring myself to weigh

I did lose some weight on holidays 

But it seems that I have quickly put it back on

And then some 

I just don't feel comfortable in my own skin at the moment 

I'm constantly changing and adjusting my clothes 

And buying new clothes

In an attempt to make myself feel better

But of course 

That is just another addiction

An item of clothing can't mend the way I am feeling 

I know I need to work from the inside out

I need to like 

And love myself as a person

Before I like the outside 

I'm doing my best to be a good person 

To do the right thing

And to be the best person I can be 

But it's hard to feel good  when you can't look at yourself in the mirror without cringing 

And feeling so horribly grotesque 

I compare aswell

I look at other girls 

They seem so together 

So confident and cool

And I just feel like a bumbling, awkward 34 year old 

Who neither feels or looks her age 

I still feel like a gangly teenager

Who has not quite grown in to their face or body 

I can't remember the last time I felt pretty  

I know it was a long time ago 

I've looked back over the photos of Turkey

And I've had to delete so so many 

And leave the ones that I can just about tolerate 

I'm tired of hating myself 

I just don't have the energy anymore

I'm not asking for much 

I don't want to be a supermodel 

Or skinny 

I just want to feel ok to be me 

I want to be able to put on an outfit in the morning 

Look in the mirror 

And feel content with what I see

I don't want to try on every item in my wardrobe 

And still not be able to find something that makes me look nice 

Of a day 

I might change my clothes 3 or 4 times 

Constantly looking through my clothes 

To see if they fit 

If they look ok 

It's exhausting 

I don't want to hate on myself anymore

It's very hard to be in recovery 

And feel so awful about myself 

I'm supposed to feel good now that I am recovering 

I'm supposed to accept and like my body a lot more 

But I don't

So where do I go from here?

Well

I guess 

I acknowledge that my appearance is only a very small part of me

I

Ruby 

Am a whole person 

My weight and appearance are just the shell that incases who I really am

But even still

It's important for me to feel comfortable in my own skin 

To feel like I present well

And look the best that I can

It's tough at the moment 

As I look in the mirror 

And I hate what I see 

Hate is a strong word 

But it's appropriate in this instance 

I hate the way I look 

I'm hoping that this is a phase 

A bump in the road that is recovery 

I know us ED girls struggle a lot with these things 

Especially in recovery 

When our bodies are changing so much 

I'm not going to let these feeling get the better of me 

I will continue to fight against my ED 

And my hatred of myself 

I will carry on with the work I am doing 

With being a good person 

Being a survivor of anorexia and addiction

Really 

I should be glad that I have a body at all

After what I've put it through 

I should be grateful that I am here at all 

And should love every inch of myself 

It doesn't come to me easily though

Hate comes more naturally to me 

I will keep fighting though 

I will keep believing that this will improve 

That my core beliefs about myself will change 

They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder 

I wonder any one could find me attractive 

And have all but given up hope that I will find someone to share my life with

But 

I will make the best of my situation

I will make the most of what I've got 

What is the alternative? 

Lie down and give up

No

That's not my style 

With all that said 

I was wondering about you

Do you ever feel this way

Like you can't stand yourself?

Do you struggle with liking the way you look?

Do you find that you measure your worth in the way you look?

How do you deal with this?

Does it effect other areas of your life?

I'd love to know....

Stats and blogs

Sometimes it seems that blogger is so quiet

And thar it's all happening over on Wordpress

I did start a blog over on WP in 2013

Called Poppy Recovering

It's still there as far as I know

Then myself and the lovely Annie set up a blog there called Partners in Crime

We wanted it to be a positive recovery blog

But alas 

We were both unable to continue

As we were both struggling 

I actually came across WP before I came across blogger

The first blog I ever started reading was Recovering Anorexic

It was amazing to find that blog

As she wrote about things I was afraid to

I think she really blazed a trail for us ED bloggers 

She blogged anonymously

But had to delete her blog

As her anonymity was compromised 

She had experienced recovery

But the last time I read her blog

She was in the midst of a relapse 

Her honesty was so inspiring 

And was one of the reasons I started writing my own blog 

I remember she commented on my blog a couple of times 

I was so delighted 

I think she still writes 

Under a different name

But I haven't been able to find her blog

My stints over on WP never lasted 

I always felt drawn back to and then she disappeared

As I have such a fondness for this blog

And the people here

I feel like this is my blogging home 

Also 

I found WP much more difficult to navigate 

And although there are some amazing blogs

And amazing writers over there

Blogger is where I belong 

I started writing this blog three and a half years ago 

Since then 

I have written 932 posts 

Made so many wonderful friends 

Won awards 

Took part in a TV show

Helped students with projects

Guest posted for other blogs

And written articles for magazines 

So much amazing stuff has happened through writing this blog

It just goes to show 

If you put yourself out there 

Such brilliant things can happen 

I check my stats regularly 

As I like to see which countries are reading 

I'm always blown away 

When I see views from Russia

And Lebanon 

And Australia 

I think most people who read my blog don't comment 

And then I have my regulars 

Who without fail always reach out and comment 

Whether I get one comment

Or one hundred comments 

It makes my day when someone takes the time and energy to write and send love to me 

That's why I always reply to comments 

I want to pay back the Iove someone has shown me 

I Aldo check page views 

Out of curiosity

I get an average of 700 page views per day 

I have no idea if that is a lot or a little

So I was wondering about you

Do you check your stats?

How often?

 What is your average page views per day?

Does it bother you if your stats are low?

Inquiring minds want to know....

Big dogs V Small dogs

Someone left a comment on my blog yesterday

Wondering what happened with the dog shelter

I know I haven't mentioned it

But I am starting  there next week 

I spoke to them before I went away

And we agreed next week would be the best time to start

As I had my driving lessons and test this week 

I am still very much looking forward to starting at the dog shelter 

It will happen 

One way or another 

In other news 

While we were away

My Dad looked after Honey and Lea

They love him 

:Mostly because he spoils them rotten 

And is constantly feeding them 

I came home to two quite pudgey dogs 

So I am trying to exercise then more

And give them less treats 

It's hard 

But I know I have to do it if I want them to stay happy and healthy

It's tough because one of the ways I show love to my dogs is to feed them

I love nothing more than watching them gobble down their dinner 

Or lying out in the garden gnawing on a juicy bone 

It makes me happy when they are happy

I saw this on Facebook today

Honey and Lea to a T

Big Dogs:  Hello wonderful human being!

Would you please rub my belly

And scratch my ears?!

I will be eternally grateful for your attention.

Do not be alarmed by my large appearance

I just love to cuddle and give kisses

I will be your best friend forever

Small Dogs:  Fight me you fuck! 

I will fuck your shit up!

You wanna piece of me?!

Let's go!

I will fucking end you!

I may be tiny but do not underestimate me!

I am your worst nightmare!!!

Memories of Turkey

I'm only now sorting all of the things I bought in Turkey

Presents for friends and family 

Keepsakes for myself 

We actually brought an empty bag with

Because we knew we'd have more coming back than we had going out

As we all know

I am a dedicated and passionate shopper 

My favourite day of our holiday

Was in the Grand Bizarre 

Haggling with the traders

And trying to get a good price

The thing with haggling is 

That both parties should come out of it happy

Often the initial price a trader gives you

Will be greatly inflated 

And they expect you to haggle with them

But not insult them

So here is some of my haul....

Turkish Slippers were 65 Turkish Lira and bought for 50

 

 

Toms

New Balance trainers

Turkish bathrobe was 65 Turkish Lira and bought for 50

Topkapi Palace t-shirt

Soap for a friend

The evil eye to ward off evil spirits

Couldn't resist this notebook

Money maker?

My sister has a real business head on her shoulders

She worked in Sydney Australia for ten years as a project manager

So she is very computer literate 

She thinks logically 

And is the designated technical support person in our house

I swear we would be lost without her

And were while she was away

She is home over a year now

And she took the first year to find her feet here

And to look after her mental health

She is now doing well

She has come off her meds 

And feels able to look for work now 

So she has moved 6 hours away

To stay with her partner 

While she looks for work

As there is just no work here for her

Or for anyone for that matter 

For a while now 

My sister has been telling me 

That I should try and make some money from my blog 

And that it's a valid way to make an income 

I guess my blog is like a job in a lot of ways 

I do it at the same time every day 

I put a lot of work and energy in to it

And I pour my heart and soul in to it

For a long time 

It really didn't matter to me whether my blog made money or not 

It wasn't about money 

And it's still not about money

But I can't lie 

It would be amazing if I could earn some sort of living out of writing my blog

I've seen blogs with advertisements 

And I'm not sure I want to go that route 

Especially not if its some thing to do with weigh loss or anything like that

That goes against everything my blog stands for 

And I don't want the tone and flow of the blog to be tarnished with ads 

My sister also thinks I should make my blog in to an E-Book

Again

I don't know quite how that works 

But I am definitely interested 

I mean 

Yes 

I can write 

But all the other stuff 

Like logistics and computers 

I'm not so good at 

I guess these days 

There are more and more ways to make money on line

You have Youtubers 

And people who write books

Self publish books 

And if there was a way to make money from my blog 

Apart from advertisements 

I would definitely do it 

I haven't worked in quite a while 

My last job was teaching dance to kids 

It was something that I set up myself 

And went on to have four classes a week 

I've had many jobs since leaving school

Everything from working in a factory 

To being a teller in a bank 

I'm really not good in those type of jobs though 

And I think I do better in a more creative type of post 

Or working with animals 

Which I am so passionate about 

My blog is something that I love to do 

Even if I never made a penny out of it 

I would still do it 

It means more to me than money ever could 

Making money from it would be a bonus 

With all that said 

I was wondering about you 

Have you ever thought about making money from your blog? 

Would you put ads on your blog? 

Have you ever thought about publishing an E-Book?

Inquiring minds want to know.....

Back on track

I woke up this morning feeling a little better

The past few mornings 

I've really struggled to wake up

And to get up

I just wanted to sleep the day away

And completely zone out

But I can't do that 

I have two dogs that rely on me to let them out in the morning

To walk them 

To feed them

And to play with them 

And thank God I do

Because otherwise I don't think I would ever get out of bed

I guess an accumulation of things have got to me over the last week

Coming home from my holiday 

Failing my driving test

Being attacked on my blog

And losing weight all contributed to being a big ol' bump in the road for me

But that's life I guess 

You just have to roll with punches

I suppose I'm back to reality now 

Back to everyday life 

Back to my humdrum existence 

I know it's up to me to get back on track now 

I need to make some decisions

I need to decide whether I want to be in recovery from drugs or not

Because I am misusing my meds 

And in my book 

That is as good as using 

It alters my mood

It gets me out of my head

And if I do choose recovery 

I need to decide whether I want to do it the 12 step way

And go to meetings 

And work a programme 

And really get a good foundation in my recovery

I haven't been to a meeting in a few months now

And once I stop going 

It's really very hard to go back

And the longer you leave it

The harder it becomes 

I met a girl this morning from the meetings 

I chatted to her for a while 

It was nice 

I could see the recovery in her

And hear it in her voice

I want that 

I want that peace of mind 

That confidence 

And contentment 

I haven't  been in touch with any of my friends since before I went away 

It's a bit of a sad fact 

That my online social life 

Is a lot more active than my real live one 

I've had to deal with a lot of cravings recently

On holidays 

It was smoking 

I was dying for a cigarette 

As everyone in Turkey seems to smoke 

And I've also been having a lot of using dreams 

They are always the same 

The same people 

The same scenario 

It's so vivid 

And do real 

That when I wake up I'm in a cold sweat 

I saw a show recently about methadone users in Dublin

It was lazy journalism if you ask me

They didn't report from outside Dublin

And all the participants were stereotypical drug addicts 

Junkies 

I think sometimes people in this country forget that there is life beyond Dublin 

I think I wrote about having a drink on the plane on the way to Turkey

I don't know why I did 

I saw others drinking 

And I wanted one too 

This was the third instance that I have taken a drink in recent times 

But

As I always suspected 

I don't like the effect that alcohol has on me 

I'm a horrible drunk

I talk complete bullshit 

And either become really annoying 

Or really emotional

No

I think it's safe to say that I can't hold my drink 

I think also the thing I don't like about drink and drugs 

Is that  it's not real 

Anything you feel 

You say 

You do while under the influence is not real

It's all fake 

The friendships 

The relationships 

The conversations 

None of it is real 

When I was using heroin

I hung around in a particular group of people 

We had nothing in common

Only the drug 

We had nothing to say to each other 

Until after we took the drug

Then we acted like best friends 

There is no loyalty in addiction

Who ever you are with that day is your best buddy 

Until the drug wears off

And then you are back to being strangers again 

I know that I can't use or drink

Even now and again 

As with a lot of things with me 

It's all or nothing

Black or white 

This post really is to let you know that I'm  not giving up 

Not just yet anyway 

I have come too far to turn back now 

And I've now seen what life could be like for me 

If I persevere in my recovery 

Over that last week 

I just wanted to fall apart 

To just lie down and let my ED and addiction wash over me

And consume me 

But I won't let that happen if I can help it 

I will continue to fight 

Continue you to seek a better life 

For me and my family 

Since I started writing my blog three and a half years ago 

Amazing things have happened 

I've won awards 

I've met the most amazing people 

Who I now call friends 

I've participated in studies

Helped students with projects

And more recently was contacted by a magazine to write an article

More of which to come 

I've been contacted by people from all over the world 

People who are also suffering 

Concerned family members 

Friends 

My blog has been an amazingly strong force for good in my life 

And I am so grateful for that 

As we all know 

There is strength in numbers 

And I truly believe that by joining forces together 

We can put up a resistance to mental health issues 

And addiction 

I guess sometimes 

I can get a little overwhelmed by my situation

Writing that piece for the magazine 

It brought me back to my past 

And the reasons I turned to drugs and food 

It can all seem like too much when I condense it like that 

I suppose I feel like I am at a disadvantage a lot of the time 

I have had to fight tooth and nail

To get to the point where most people start off

I struggle just to get through the day 

Without completely losing my mind

Or my marbles 

I try my best every day

To be the best version of myself that I can be

I've come a long way in the last year 

But there is much work to be done 

I am trying though 

And with the help of my family 

I know I will get there 

I also wanted to say thank you

To you my little blogger family 

For being there 

Every single step of the way

For believing in me 

When I didn't believe in myself

For reading 

For commenting

For emailing and texting 

You have been nothing short of amazing 

And I love and treasure every one of you 

So if you are feeling low today

If you feel like hope is slipping away 

That you are so tired of holding on

Of fighting 

Of trying to be well

I want to urge you to keep going 

I promise you

Things can and will get better 

All we have to do is deal with this day 

24 hours 

Anything is possible in that space of time 

Our whole lives can transform in the space of a day 

The important thing is to keep putting one foot in front of the other

And keep going 

Do what you have to do to stay well

Take time for yourself 

Put yourself first 

Be kind to you 

And gentle 

Because you are worth it

And you deserve to be as well as you can 

So please 

Today 

If you do one thing 

Say to yourself 

I'm exactly where I am supposed to be 

Because you are

We all are

We are good people 

Yes you too

You are a good person

And you deserve to be well and happy 

We all do 

So please 

Do this today 

You won't regret it

I promise you