Thinking it over

Thank you for taking the time to comment on my last post

I realise that it's not easy to tell someone when you think they might be going down a wrong path

Even as I wrote that post

I think I knew deep down that what I was doing was counter intuitive 

I was fighting against what my body wanted 

And needed to do

And I am now rethinking the whole weight loss thing 

As of this morning 

I've lost nine pounds

And my navy trousers most definitely fit

I have no need to continue on this path

Because I don't know if I'll be able to put the brakes on

I can't know when the ED takes over

As someone wrote yesterday

The line between losing a few pounds and the ED is a very fine one

In fact it's almost invisible 

I'm barely a year in to my recovery 

My body is finding its natural set point 

I think it's a good idea to lay off the junk food like I have though 

And concentrate on nourishing and feeding my body properly 

I swear 

I had been eating a lot of junk food 

Practically surviving on it 

And I know that's not good 

Again 

It's like it's all or nothing 

All the food 

Or none of the food 

Black or white 

Actually 

I don't think I've ever successfully dieted in my whole life

As in lose a sensible amount of weight while still feeding my body 

Fasts never worked for me either

I've always lost the most weight while bingeing and purging 

I suppose the body gets so dehydrated 

That the weight drops quickly

But even in the 11 days that I was trying to lose weight 

I think a lot of it is also dehydration

I haven't been purging much 

But admittedly

I haven't been feeding my body very well

Also

I had become more and more obsessed with the scale

Weighing myself a ridiculous amount of times a day 

And my mood and self esteem bouncing up and down along with the weight

Even at my lowest weight

I still allowed myself chocolate

Albeit I ate nothing else 

But I love my savoury and sweet treats 

I mean what is life without a little treat now and again?

I am a firm believer in everything in moderation

Including moderation

Whether I can put that in to practise is another matter 

I try 

I do

But again

My whole body and mind is programmed for all or nothing 

It doesn't seem to understand anything else 

They say it takes 21 days to make or break a habit

Or is it 28?

I'm Not quite sure 

But I know I can get my eating good if I just put in a little effort 

Heck I've given up heroin and cigarettes 

Why is food so damn tricky?

It's like my last nemesis 

It's just so hard because I can cut heroin, alcohol and smokes out of my life 

But with food 

You can't do that 

Well you can 

But that would completely defeat the purpose 

Yes 

It's tricky to find a happy medium

Especially for people with EDs and addiction issues

Another thing is the numbers

I know I can get totally obsessed seeing the numbers go down

It's like a power trip 

That false feeling that you are in control

But of course you are in fact spinning wildly out of control

Someone mentioned yesterday 

About allowing my body to be the size it wants to be 

This is another interesting point

Before my ED

I was always around 54kg

But since my ED developed 

My weight has fluctuated a lot

I never seem to stay the same weight for long

Because of all the bingeing and purging 

I've been trying to stay in around a size 8 - 10

But maybe my body needs to be bigger for a while

I'm sure my metabolism is shot at this point 

And my body is compensating 

Because it's not always sure when it's being fed again

Or if I will let my body keep the food

Now my challenge is to get back to some sort of normality

Over the last week or so

I've become used to being hungry 

And almost even enjoying it

All of a sudden 

It becomes difficult to eat

And I don't doubt that it will be now

I will take it easy 

Rule no 1 is to stop weighing 

And to eat three meal and snacks

But still allow myself a treat when the fancy takes me

I guess I  am a work in progress

As I wrote yesterday

Recovery is not a straight road

God knows I make mistakes on a daily basis 

But I do try to learn from them

And not repeat them

That is the trick I think 

Yesterday's comments 

Reminded me why I write this blog

You beautiful and smart ladies have me done sterling advice 

And thdt is exactly why I wrote they post yesterday 

As I know you will tell me what I need to hear

Rather than what I want to hear

I thank you from the bottom of my heart

For reading 

For being there

For being honest with me

Even when it's difficult and awkward 

I appreciate it more than you will ever know 

Also

I lost a follower today

Is that because I disappointed you?

Ana bites back???

The past week has been tough

And I've avoided writing about it 

Because I don't know if there's cause for concern

I don't know if what I am doing is normal

Or an ED behaviour

I don't know if I should even write about it

But when I read Kate's post the other day

And saw she had the courage to post how she was feeling 

This blog is not about how recovery is all rainbows and unicorn farts

This blog is about reality

About what life is like living with

And recovering from an ED and addiction

And let me tell you

Recovery is not a straight path 

There are many twists and turns

And bumps and obstacles along the way

Sometimes it feels like one step forward

And two steps back

Right now I feel like I have taken those steps backwards

Let me explain

In recent times 

I had stopped weighing 

And was using my clothes as a measure of my size

I had certain items of clothing that were like a gauge for me

One item being a pair of navy trousers that I bought in London summer 2014

These trousers are a size 10

But have a really tight fastener at the front 

When I bought them 

They were a bit too big 

But I like to have a bit of wiggle room in my clothes

Over the next year my weight was quite stable 

And any time I tried on the trousers 

They always fit 

Then this year my weight fluctuated quite a lot 

I lost weight in Turkey

But put it on again when I came home 

Then 

About 10 days ago 

I weighed myself 

The number didn't devastate me

In fact it didn't mean a whole lot

But then 

I tried on said navy trousers 

And couldn't close the clasp

Albeit they were just a little bit too tight

But to me

That was unacceptable 

I didn't plan on doing anything 

I wasn't dieting or anything like it 

But one thing was for sure

I was getting back in to those trousers 

So

I began to be more mindful of what I was eating 

And decided not to eat after my main meal in the evening 

And dare I say it

I even had a goal weight

Am I on dodgy ground yet?

I think so...

The last ten days

Ive been weighing myself every morning 

I've lost eight pounds 

And want to lose a few more 

I must stress though

I am not under weight 

And goal weight is not under weight 

I just want to fit in my clothes 

That's ok

Isn't it?

I don't know 

This all seems harmless

And maybe I  am totally deluded 

The navy trousers close now 

But now I want more room I them 

Is that ED talking?

I don't know guys 

Please tell me if this sounds disordered 

Or if it's normal to want to lose a few pounds 

Because I don't want to go backwards 

I don't want to be underweight

I don't want to put my family through that nightmare again

I've told my mother about my plan

And asked her to alert me if I'm getting obsessive 

I am eating 

And I am not starving 

Or bingeing and purging 

I'm just being a little more careful with what I choose to eat 

I just want to feel ok in my skin

I just want to fit in to my clothes 

I just want to be healthy and happy 

I do not want to harm myself 

Or any one else 

Thoughts please..

To Paris with love...

I woke up this morning to the news of the terror attacks in Paris last night

As I write this

My Mother and I are watching the news 

And the terror that unfolded 

My thoughts and prayers are with the families and friends of those that were killed

And I genuinely worry for the state of the world 

Take care today

Keep your loved ones close 

And remember how lucky we are 

That we weren't attacked

That we are not living in a country under siege 

And forced to flee our homes for an unknown and uncertain future 

That we, as women, have the luxury of food

Of clean water 

Of the right to vote 

The right to education

All over the world atrocities are happening 

Sometimes it doesn't seem real to me

It's like a made up story 

Happening in a made up place

These attacks in Paris are too close for comfort 

Today I am grateful to have my family safe and well 

To have my dogs at my feet 

And freedom at my fingertips 

Paris

We are thinking of you...

Honey and Lea, 10 years on

My dogs are now over ten years old

Honey is actually older than Lea

Although you wouldn't think it

But they are starting to act their age

Lea is always eager to go for a walk

But Honey elects to stay home some days

And cuddles up in her bed when she sees me putting on my jacket

I got Honey from the dog shelter

And the second day I had her

She was hit by a car on the road 

She was fine though

She is a tough little cookie 

As you know

Honey lost an eye earlier this year

It was quite the traumatic event for her

But

She had made a remarkable recovery

It takes more than that to stop a feisty little terrier

Honey often gets ailments now

Her paw gives her trouble 

And some days she doesn't move from her bed 

She is still as cheeky as ever though 

No matter how many times you tell her not to do something 

She will do it any chance she gets 

If the hall door is left open

She will sneak down and make herself at home on my bed 

One thing about Honey 

Is that she loves her food 

After she has finished her dinner

She will go over to Lea

To see if she has any left

When she hears the biscuit tin being opened 

She comes running 

Honey likes to think that she is the boss of everything 

But in all reality

Lea could really hurt Honey if she wanted to

She just lets Honey think she's the boss

Lea on the other hand

Is a gentle giant 

She's more sensitive 

More gentle 

She just wAnts you to rub her all day long 

And if you stop 

She will nudge your hand with her head until you start again

Lea is quite needy

And any time I walk in to the kitchen

She gets up and follows me 

My mother jokes that Lea is a special needs dog 

Because she is not as smart as Honey

But I think Lea deserves more credit than that 

When I let her out at night for her last run before bed 

When she is finished 

She will go around to the sitting room window 

And bark for you to let her in

That's pretty intelligent if you ask me

Lea was almost a Mama once

She was pregnant with puppies 

But when we brought her for a check up 

There were no heart beats 

Although she still had to give birth to them

So it was quite the traumatic experience for her 

Lea found it really difficult when I was In treatment over the years 

Mum has told me how she fell in to depression 

And her fur even fell out

Yes 

There is no doubt

Lea is a sensitive little soul

Lea and Honey have been a source of great joy in my life 

A dog is a great companion

A friend for life 

They have have been an integral part of my recovery too

When I couldn't find a reason to get out of bed

I got up for them 

When I didn't want to leave the house 

I left to walk them 

They have been by my side every step of my recovery 

They have enriched my life 

I really believe that animals have the power to heal us 

Whether it's horses

Or cats

Or hamsters 

They take us out of ourselves 

They remind us to forgive 

They give us something to focus on other than ourselves 

They are loyal and loving companions 

I love them so much 

I'll leave you with this saying 

I wish I was as great as my dog thinks I am 

New do

As you know

I had half my head shaved a few months ago

Well

I say shaved 

It was actually cut very short

But not quite shaved 

The hair has grown back quite quickly

And instead of heading back to the hairdresser like a normal person 

I asked my sister to shave it

But then the only shaver I could find was the dogs clippers 

I must stress

I had not use it on the dogs at all 

It was fresh out of the box

This time I really did shave it

And I'm really liking it

Who knows 

I might even shave my head if the fancy takes me!

Anyway

Enough with the words

Here are the photos....

TV Opportunity

Yesterday

I was contacted by a lady called Natasha 

From a production company called The Connected Set

She informed me about an upcoming programme they are making about eating disorders 

And asked me if I could share their information on my blog

To see if anyone is interested

Below is her contact information 

--

Do you suffer from an eating disorder?

Are you willing to share your experiences with the nation, working alongside fellow sufferers in a unique one-off television programme?

We're looking to speak to present sufferers of disordered eating conditions including anorexia, bulimia, binge eating, emotional over eating, orthorexia and other related conditions, to take part in a unique psychologist facilitated TV format combining group therapy with cooking.

If you are over 18, live in the Republic of Ireland, and are available for filming in Dublin the week before Christmas then we would love to hear from you.  

We are looking to bring awareness to the problem of eating disorders across Ireland in a responsible and medically safe way.  If you're interested in finding out more please drop us an email with more information about yourself and your contact details.

Contact details:

Natasha Mwansa

natasha@theconnectedset.com

The Connected Set

-- 

Natasha Mwansa

Development Team, The Connected Set
office: 020 8617 1744
address: UGLI Campus, 56 Wood Lane, London W12 7SB
twitter: @theconnectedset  

web: http://theconnectedset.com

For more casting opportunities Like our TCS Casting page

Sign up for the TCS quarterly newsletter here

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Outside

A few months ago

I saw a photo on Facebook

It was of an old woman

With a quote beside it

I can't remember the quote exactly

But the essence of her message has stayed with me ever since 

And that message was

If you just go outside wonderful things can 

You never know who you might meet

What might happen 

If you just step outside your front door 

The possibilities are endless

For a long time

I used to get up before dawn

At 6am

Sometimes 5am

To get everything done early

To walk my dogs 

Do my shopping 

Which was usually binge food

And when I saw I did my shopping 

I mean that I stole my shopping 

It's hard to imagine being in thdt place now 

I can't fathom stealing anything now 

But back then 

I was in a dark place

So yes

I got up early 

To avoid people 

To avoid having to talk to Anyone 

To avoid life 

Back then 

I usually arrived home before 9am

And depending on the day

I would either spend the day drinking

Or abusing prescription drugs

Or bingeing and purging 

It was a relentless attack on my self 

I stayed in my living room all day

Watching TV

Zoning in and out of consciousness 

Sleeping my life away 

Today 

My life is different

Now I don't make myself get up so early 

I get up at about 8am

I do t go crazy trying to get everything done

I take my time 

Walk the dogs 

Do my bits and pieces 

Go in to town 

Meet a friend 

Live my life

Today is a great example of how going outside is good for the soul

Honey has a sore paw, poor love

So myself and Lea headed out in the car

We parked in the village 

And walked down to the wooded area beside the woods

There we met a woman with a beautiful little shitzu 

We spoke for a few minutes 

About our dogs 

Until Lea barked and wanted to go

Having a dog is a great way to meet people I find 

I love talking about my dogs

And I love talking to people about their dogs 

Yesterday I was down at the lake

And when I got back to my car

Someone had left a packet of dog treats under the wiper of my car

How nice was that!

After our walk 

I decided to go for a swim

I've recently started going back swimming

I stopped going when the weather got really bad last year

And once you stop going 

It's hard to go back

But with my sisters help

I started back last week

And am thoroughly enjoying it again 

While in the pool

I met a woman who I used to meet last year

We had a lovely chat 

About anything and everything

After 100 lengths 

I left the pool feeling great

Squeaky clean

Like I had done a really good work out 

I came home 

Had my breakfast 

And felt like I really earned it

This is just a small example 

Of how if you go outside 

Wonderful things can happen

Often times 

The biggest battle I have 

Is getting off the couch

And out the front door 

But once I am out 

I am always glad I made the effort 

Whether it's going for a walk 

Or going to a meeting 

Or meeting a friend 

It's always worth it 

I know it can be tempting 

To stay in doors 

Especially during these cold months 

But if you go outside 

Even just in to town 

Or the local shop

You never know what might happen 

Or who you might meet 

It's the same with writing this blog

Because I put myself out there 

In a very public way

Amazing things have happened since I started writing this blog 

The best of all being that I have made the best of friends 

I have a feeling at the moment

That good things are on the way

Got so long

I had this horrible sense of impending doom

I felt like something awful was going to happen

And it often did

But for me and my family

Things are beginning to turn around 

As you know 

My family has had more than its fair share of trouble and stress

I grew up in an unhappy home 

With a horrible atmosphere 

And addiction 

I lost my way for a long time 

And at one point 

Four out of six of my family were in active addiction

I can not describe to you how miserable those years were

But now 

The four of us are in recovery 

And I can't remember a time when things were better

My family are closer than ever

Even though my parents are separated 

We still all meet up regularly 

And my Dad often stays here 

When my Mum was working

My parents used to swap houses during the week

A strange concept I know

But it worked for them

I am so grateful that my family is now on the mend 

And in a good place 

God knows we have been through the wars 

Now we get on

We laugh 

We meet up regularly 

We support each other 

And love each other through the ups and downs of life 

As my Mum often says 

Given what we have been through 

We are not doing too badly 

Again

I feel grateful today 

For my life 

My family 

My dogs 

My friends 

I feel so blessed to have been through addiction and mental illness 

And made it out the other side relatively unscathed 

I get on with every member of my family 

And have never been so close to them

Even though I live with my Mum

It feels more like I share a house with her 

Rather than like living with a parent 

I love living with my Mum

We get on so well

And enjoy each other's company

Then there is Honey and Lea

The light of my life 

They bring so much life and energy and fun to our house 

They are getting older now 

They are both ten

But they are still as lively as ever 

And I love them to the stars and back

So today 

I urge you to go outside 

If you are struggling 

If your mental or physical health is not great 

If you are battling mental illness or addiction

If you feel depressed

Anxious 

Or even suicidal 

If you are afraid 

Afraid of others 

Of life 

Of yourself 

If you feel trapped 

Like there is no way out 

Like you are struggling 

Drowning 

Falling apart

Breaking in to pieces 

If you don't like yourself 

Hate yourself in fact 

If you just want to hide away in your house 

If life has beaten you down 

And you feel like you want to give up

Please 

Go outside 

For for a walk 

Talk to a stranger

Smile at someone 

Acknowledge someone 

You never know what might happen

Who you might end up speaking to

Wonderful things can happen 

If you just make the effort to get out there 

Out in the world 

With others 

You never know what might happen

Do it

Do it today 

It will be worth it

I promise you.....