Just thought I'd let you know how I got on with Mary.
She has suggested that my mother come in for a session so she can see what we're working on and also so she can speak to Mary to voice her concerns or maybe just to vent. So I told my mother this and she is very willing to do that. This will probably happen next week.
I also decided to tell Mary about me abusing my meds, it was a big deal for me to tell her as I've never told anyone before, the only person who knows is my mother. I remember my ex-sponsor telling me that we are as sick as our secrets and this was one secret I was glad to get off my chest. She was very understanding and didn't judge me. She is also encouraging me to find more things to do now that the dancing is over so I'm considering joining a zumba class, I've heard it's pretty good.
Usually Mary weighs me right at the start of the session so by now I thought I had got away with it and she had forgotten but no such luck. I was up 0.4kg. I knew this anyway so it wasn't a shock. I mentioned I was starting a fast in my last post and I'm starting it properly tomorrow as I binged and purged today.
So that's it for another day in the life of this messed up girl,
Much love xxx
Thursday 31 May 2012
What goes down must come up
Good morning my lovelies,
I hope this post finds you well today,
The hot weather has broken here, mist hangs heavily on the mountains.
I'm seeing Mary today, no doubt she will weigh me. I don't need her to though, I already know the damage.
I'm up almost a pound. It;s hard enough to weigh when I'm alone never mind when I have an audience.
The gain sucks, I was almost back at my safe weight too, my body is like 'nooooooooo I won't lose weight, I won't do it' like a small child in a tantrum. I think it's time for a good old fashioned fast, yes why not, let's do it.
I had a thought yesterday and it struck fear into my heart. What if I'm like this forever? What if I never get well.
I thought about my parents. I moved back in with my mother about 5 years ago and I'm very much dependent on her and my dad who lives about an hour away. They are both in their 60's and not getting any younger and I thought what will happen to me if they're gone and I'm still sick. What if they never get to see me well and I never get to repay them for all they've done for me. My mother had a serious talk with me recently, she told me that when they die they are going to appoint a carer to look after me. I was shocked and I didn't feel it was necessary but I guess the truth is I would need someone to help me. It scares the shit out of me that I might end up completely alone with this illness, that's exactly what anorexia wants, for me to be alone and sick, she wants me dead I think. My weight is not critically low at the moment but I don't think it's as much about the weight as the mental state I'm in. I was equally sick at 130lbs as I was at 77lbs. It's unimaginable to think I might rot away here on my own with this illness. You would think that this would motivate me to get well and yet here I am starting another fast. Ay ay ay
But my parents shouldn't have to look after me, I'm a grown woman ( even if I do feel like a child) I'm the one who should be looking after them. Do any of you feel like this?
Sorry, I didn't mean for this post to be so depressing but I just had to get that out of my head. What I really wanted to know is if you consider yourself ill or is this a choice you've made?
I sometimes get confused with this question, I know I didn't invite anorexia in to my life, I wasn't even aware I had it for the first year. But I have made the choice to trigger myself and to relapse if that makes sense.
I look at eating disorder programmes and read books deliberately to trigger myself to lose weight.
Bulimia is a tricky one, obviously I made the choice to purge the first time but now it feels out of my control.
I binge and purge and it feels like I'm possessed, that's not to take the responsibility away from me but that's the way it feels.
Anyway I digress.
I'm off to meet Mary so I will let you know how I get on,
Wish me luck,
Much love to you xxx
I hope this post finds you well today,
The hot weather has broken here, mist hangs heavily on the mountains.
I'm seeing Mary today, no doubt she will weigh me. I don't need her to though, I already know the damage.
I'm up almost a pound. It;s hard enough to weigh when I'm alone never mind when I have an audience.
The gain sucks, I was almost back at my safe weight too, my body is like 'nooooooooo I won't lose weight, I won't do it' like a small child in a tantrum. I think it's time for a good old fashioned fast, yes why not, let's do it.
I had a thought yesterday and it struck fear into my heart. What if I'm like this forever? What if I never get well.
I thought about my parents. I moved back in with my mother about 5 years ago and I'm very much dependent on her and my dad who lives about an hour away. They are both in their 60's and not getting any younger and I thought what will happen to me if they're gone and I'm still sick. What if they never get to see me well and I never get to repay them for all they've done for me. My mother had a serious talk with me recently, she told me that when they die they are going to appoint a carer to look after me. I was shocked and I didn't feel it was necessary but I guess the truth is I would need someone to help me. It scares the shit out of me that I might end up completely alone with this illness, that's exactly what anorexia wants, for me to be alone and sick, she wants me dead I think. My weight is not critically low at the moment but I don't think it's as much about the weight as the mental state I'm in. I was equally sick at 130lbs as I was at 77lbs. It's unimaginable to think I might rot away here on my own with this illness. You would think that this would motivate me to get well and yet here I am starting another fast. Ay ay ay
But my parents shouldn't have to look after me, I'm a grown woman ( even if I do feel like a child) I'm the one who should be looking after them. Do any of you feel like this?
Sorry, I didn't mean for this post to be so depressing but I just had to get that out of my head. What I really wanted to know is if you consider yourself ill or is this a choice you've made?
I sometimes get confused with this question, I know I didn't invite anorexia in to my life, I wasn't even aware I had it for the first year. But I have made the choice to trigger myself and to relapse if that makes sense.
I look at eating disorder programmes and read books deliberately to trigger myself to lose weight.
Bulimia is a tricky one, obviously I made the choice to purge the first time but now it feels out of my control.
I binge and purge and it feels like I'm possessed, that's not to take the responsibility away from me but that's the way it feels.
Anyway I digress.
I'm off to meet Mary so I will let you know how I get on,
Wish me luck,
Much love to you xxx
Wednesday 30 May 2012
Regrets, I've had a few
My name is Ruby and I'm a kleptomaniac.
Maybe that's an exaggeration but it sure feels like that sometimes. I was in my local shop this morning and I shop lifted wait for it...............dog food. WTF Ruby?
I have no idea why I did this, I had money so it wasn't lack of funds. I fear it is now an addiction, the feeling of walking out of the shop is a real adrenaline rush. But I am not naive, I know I will be caught eventually and I live in a small town so it would be humiliating. I need to get this behaviour under control and fast. Help!!
But what I really wanted to write about today was regrets. If you could go back in time would you change anything about your life? When I was younger I would have jumped at the chance to change alot of things but today I'm not so sure. Yes drug addiction and ed have had devastating consequences on my life but they have also had good effects on my life as weird as that sounds, the number one thing being the people I have met along the way. The people I have met in treatment centres and hospitals have been the kindest, most caring, talented and sensitive people I have ever met and I would not have met these people otherwise. Also the people I've met through this blog and over the internet have been so supportive and I'm blessed to have found you. My illness have made me the person I am today and on the whole I do try to be a good person and do the right thing (excluding shoplifting). I'd like to think I'm a caring person who does her bit to help others.
The one thing that I would like to change is the stress and worry I've caused my family. They have endured more than their fair share of hurt and pain. I suppose I can right that by giving them peace of mind today although I know they still worry alot. Apart from that I don't think I would change anything, I do believe that everything happens for a reason even if the reason isn't always clear at first. I'd love to know if you would change anything given the chance.
My weight was down this morning, only slightly but it's still moving in the right direction. I'm considering posting some photos. Would anyone be interested in seeing them? It would be a huge thing for me to do that but I'd be willing if people would like to see them. I know I haven't posted my weight in a few weeks but I will be posting it very soon. I was also wondering what you consider skinny, do you have a fixed goal weight for yourself? Or is it a moving target like mine. My lowest ever weight was 77lbs and I would love to break that weight even if it is just by a pound of two. When I was at that weight I had no idea how skinny I was but looking back at photos I looked ill, like an old woman. Losing weight was so easy back then and I think it gets harder to starve the older I get, it must be that my body is fighting back and won't let me fast.
Anyway, hope this post finds you all happy and healthy,
Much love,
Ruby xxx
Maybe that's an exaggeration but it sure feels like that sometimes. I was in my local shop this morning and I shop lifted wait for it...............dog food. WTF Ruby?
I have no idea why I did this, I had money so it wasn't lack of funds. I fear it is now an addiction, the feeling of walking out of the shop is a real adrenaline rush. But I am not naive, I know I will be caught eventually and I live in a small town so it would be humiliating. I need to get this behaviour under control and fast. Help!!
But what I really wanted to write about today was regrets. If you could go back in time would you change anything about your life? When I was younger I would have jumped at the chance to change alot of things but today I'm not so sure. Yes drug addiction and ed have had devastating consequences on my life but they have also had good effects on my life as weird as that sounds, the number one thing being the people I have met along the way. The people I have met in treatment centres and hospitals have been the kindest, most caring, talented and sensitive people I have ever met and I would not have met these people otherwise. Also the people I've met through this blog and over the internet have been so supportive and I'm blessed to have found you. My illness have made me the person I am today and on the whole I do try to be a good person and do the right thing (excluding shoplifting). I'd like to think I'm a caring person who does her bit to help others.
The one thing that I would like to change is the stress and worry I've caused my family. They have endured more than their fair share of hurt and pain. I suppose I can right that by giving them peace of mind today although I know they still worry alot. Apart from that I don't think I would change anything, I do believe that everything happens for a reason even if the reason isn't always clear at first. I'd love to know if you would change anything given the chance.
My weight was down this morning, only slightly but it's still moving in the right direction. I'm considering posting some photos. Would anyone be interested in seeing them? It would be a huge thing for me to do that but I'd be willing if people would like to see them. I know I haven't posted my weight in a few weeks but I will be posting it very soon. I was also wondering what you consider skinny, do you have a fixed goal weight for yourself? Or is it a moving target like mine. My lowest ever weight was 77lbs and I would love to break that weight even if it is just by a pound of two. When I was at that weight I had no idea how skinny I was but looking back at photos I looked ill, like an old woman. Losing weight was so easy back then and I think it gets harder to starve the older I get, it must be that my body is fighting back and won't let me fast.
Anyway, hope this post finds you all happy and healthy,
Much love,
Ruby xxx
Tuesday 29 May 2012
Where did it all start?
Hello my dears,
I hope you are all well today,
As I was walking my dogs this morning I pondered this question. I thought back to when I was a child and I do remember loving my food. I had certain ways of eating things and had little rituals and rules. My family often commented on my healthy appetite and I hated this. I was a very active child, I was in the local swimming club and also did ballet and jazz. I guess being so active gave me the freedom of eating what I liked. I remember clearly the first time someone commented on my weight. It was my ballet teacher and she told me I was losing too much weight. I can still remember the thrill I. Being in a class where all anyone is wearing is a leotard and tights is definitely triggering. Then as I started in high school I became more and more aware of my body and shape and my bestfriend was obsessed with losing weight. So there were things in childhood that could have contributed to my ed but it wasn't until I was 18 that it started to get serious. By 18 I was well on my way to becoming a heroin addict and I was eating less and less. Food just wasn't a priority anymore. My eating disorder was developing along side my drug addiction but I wasn't even aware of it.
Age 19 and my parents signed me into hospital to do a drug detox, I was 84lbs. One day one of the nurses sat me down and told me I had anorexia. I lost it saying there was no way I was anorexic and she was totally wrong. I could barely endure being a drug addict let alone having an eating disorder and I didn't want to worry my parents even more. Looking back it was obvious I had an ed but denial is a powerful thing. I was supposed to go treatment after my hospital stay but they wouldn't accept me as I was not physically strong enough. I relapsed the day I got out of hospital. Over the next few years both addictions were rife and life was becoming unbearable.
I was also wondering if genetics have a part to play in your chances of developing an ed. Looking at my own family I would think yes. My dad has 9 brothers and sisters and all of them have an addiction of some sort including 2 with eating disorders. Also my 2 older sisters and my dad were all alcoholics although they are all sober now. This would seem to suggest that I was predisposed to developing an eating disorders and that my environment and experiences also played a part.
What contributed to you developing your eating disorder? Was it an offhand comment someone made?
Or maybe it was a diet that went out of control,
Do you think it is genetic?
I'm inching ever closer to a place where I will be happy to post my weight and am even considering posting some pictures.
Have lovely Tuesday,
Much love x
I hope you are all well today,
As I was walking my dogs this morning I pondered this question. I thought back to when I was a child and I do remember loving my food. I had certain ways of eating things and had little rituals and rules. My family often commented on my healthy appetite and I hated this. I was a very active child, I was in the local swimming club and also did ballet and jazz. I guess being so active gave me the freedom of eating what I liked. I remember clearly the first time someone commented on my weight. It was my ballet teacher and she told me I was losing too much weight. I can still remember the thrill I. Being in a class where all anyone is wearing is a leotard and tights is definitely triggering. Then as I started in high school I became more and more aware of my body and shape and my bestfriend was obsessed with losing weight. So there were things in childhood that could have contributed to my ed but it wasn't until I was 18 that it started to get serious. By 18 I was well on my way to becoming a heroin addict and I was eating less and less. Food just wasn't a priority anymore. My eating disorder was developing along side my drug addiction but I wasn't even aware of it.
Age 19 and my parents signed me into hospital to do a drug detox, I was 84lbs. One day one of the nurses sat me down and told me I had anorexia. I lost it saying there was no way I was anorexic and she was totally wrong. I could barely endure being a drug addict let alone having an eating disorder and I didn't want to worry my parents even more. Looking back it was obvious I had an ed but denial is a powerful thing. I was supposed to go treatment after my hospital stay but they wouldn't accept me as I was not physically strong enough. I relapsed the day I got out of hospital. Over the next few years both addictions were rife and life was becoming unbearable.
I was also wondering if genetics have a part to play in your chances of developing an ed. Looking at my own family I would think yes. My dad has 9 brothers and sisters and all of them have an addiction of some sort including 2 with eating disorders. Also my 2 older sisters and my dad were all alcoholics although they are all sober now. This would seem to suggest that I was predisposed to developing an eating disorders and that my environment and experiences also played a part.
What contributed to you developing your eating disorder? Was it an offhand comment someone made?
Or maybe it was a diet that went out of control,
Do you think it is genetic?
I'm inching ever closer to a place where I will be happy to post my weight and am even considering posting some pictures.
Have lovely Tuesday,
Much love x
Monday 28 May 2012
In my skin
Good morning my dears,
I hope this post finds you happy and healthy.
It's another scorcher here today, we don't quite know what's hit us as we usually have pretty cold weather. Everyone is decked out in minimal clothing and sunburn. I like the idea of hot weather but when it's here I find it a bit much. God, I'm such a complainer, never bloody happy. Just enjoy it Ruby!
I walked my dogs on the beach which was beautiful even if I did feel like I was going to pass out. Also saw my doctor, a short and sweet visit, just the way I like it.
Last night being Sunday I didn't sleep at all. This is my own fault for not rationing my meds properly. Today I would usually take the day off and sleep the day away in a drug induced slumber. But because of my killing the laptop last Monday my mother had a stern talk with me about taking my meds properly so I promised her I would take them as I am supposed to. I've kept my word, I don't want to worry her even more and I can't afford to kill another laptop. It feels good to do the right thing.
During the night I was thinking about the support group I used to go to and the friends I had, I miss them. But I can't seem to find the courage or the confidence to go back or even call one of them I've been in and out of this support group (narcotics anonymous) for the last 6 years and if I do go back I want to be 100% sure that I am committed to recovery and really give it a chance. I 'm not great at moving outside of my comfort zone and anything that causes me anxiety I usually run in the opposite direction. I'm quite shy until you get to know me and I am only truly myself around a handful of people. Around everyone else I wear a variety of masks and disguises .
This got me thinking back to times in my life when I was truly comfortable in my own skin and the times that jump out are the times I was in treatment. I've been in drug treatment 3 times and also eating disorder treatment times. The ed treatment I was in was in a psychiatric hospital but it was not a typical hospital that has stark rooms, cold hallways and very ill people wandering around. This hospital was comfortable and quite plush. Everyone had their own room and bathroom and they were like little apartments. Needless to say it was ridiculously expensive and I was very fortunate that my parents had health insurance. Our ward was mixed so there were people with all kinds of conditions like depression, anxiety and bipolar. My first time there I was inpatient for four months although I was eventually discharged for not continuing to gain weight. There was something so refreshing about being around people whose problems, conditions, illness were out in the open. People spoke freely about their illness, insecurities, fears and much more. I identified with these people so much and I truly felt comfortable in my own skin. I felt ok to be me warts and all. I could cry, vent, get angry, throw tantrums and no one judged me one bit. It was such an amazing feeling to be free to be me. Now there were some down sides to inpatient. I sometimes found myself in competition with other girls to be the thinnest or the sickest. I also learned a lot more about how to lose weight etc. I also had run ins with certain nurses but I will save those stories for another time. I met true friends in treatment, friends I am still in touch with. I suppose you go through so much together, you see each other at their lowest and then you see them blossom. It's strange to think that one of the only places I felt completely comfortable in my own skin was in a psychiatric hospital but it is true. Have any of you been in hospital or treatment? How did you find it? But treatment began to be counterproductive as I used it as an escape rather than a place to get well. I wouldn't rule it out if I got that bad again but I think outpatient can be just as helpful.
So that's my goal, to be comfortable in my own skin no matter where I am or who I'm with and no matter what size I am.
Oh yeah, I was in the chemist this morning collecting my meds and I was having a look around. I saw a lovely pair of purple pepe jeans sun glasses that would be perfect for my Italy trip. I have to confess that I almost popped them into my pocket. I used to shoplift regularly from this chemist, I have a bag of jewellry and make up that I neither want or need. I stopped when one day I was sure I had been seen and promised myself never again. I spent days worrying that I was going to get a visit form the guards. Shoplifting is an addiction for me too. I would never steal from another person but shops are hard to resist. I wouldn't get away with this in any other country but security seems to be lax here. I'm so glad now that I didn't take them as getting caught does not bear thinking about.
I'm fasting today and tomorrow, I just want to feel clean and empty so it's coffee and cigarettes for me.
I hope you all are well today and thanks for the comments on my last post,
Much love x
Sunday 27 May 2012
Feeling a fraud
The sun is beaming here today. Unusual for this country so I'm trying to enjoy it.
The dreaded night binging came back with a vengeance last night. I was up 3 times in the night binging and purging. What happened? I thought it had gone away but apparently not. It's not fun and it's just not good.
This morning I was wrecked after my nightly escapades. I dragged myself to the couch where I collapsed and promptly fell back to sleep. I intended to stay there for the day but I could hear my 2 dogs barking outside and I knew they were anxious to go walkies. So I peeled myself off the couch and piled them into my car.
We drove to a nearby lake where they had a good swim. It never ceases to amaze me how good an effect my dogs have on my mood. If I did not have them I would have surely stayed on that couch feeling sorry for myself. I suppose they take me away from myself for a moment because I have to take care of them.
Something else has been bothering me. I've posted before how at the moment I feel like I am in limbo. A wishy washy no-mans land. I don't consider myself to be in recovery but I am engaging in therapy so I guess I am trying to help myself some. My eating disorder is still very much active but my weight is not at a critical low so a lot of the time I don't feel I am sick, or sick enough although my bathroom would tell a different story.
I read a lot of pro-ana blogs but I also read recovery blogs and engage with people from both. I suppose this is a reflection of my head space, being somewhere between the two. I think what I'm trying to say is that I feel like a fraud, a double agent. I flirt with both ways of life without committing to either. And I think the same can be said for my recovery from drugs. From the outside I am not using illegal drugs and I am clean. But look a little closer and you will see that I abuse my methadone and anxiety meds. Again I feel in limbo. on the surface everything seems ok but dig a little deeper and you will find things are not all rosy in the garden. I would love to know if any of you feel this way too as it is a lonely place to be. I paint a smile on my face everyday, I tell my doctor everything is fine, I lie to my therapist, all for what? So people won't worry? So I can be left in peace with my addictions? To be honest I'm not really sure. Oh and I almost forgot about the shoplifting. I remember them telling me in treatment that there is a link between eating disorders and shoplifting but that does little to make me feel better. I'm stealing, I might only be stealing cheap food items but I'm still stealing and Iwill be caught one of these days. I'm ashamed and embarrassed to admit to this but I have to be honest and I hope you will not judge me
It's been hard to write all this but I write in the hope that someone will identify or maybe even help someone else not to feel so alone.
I hope this post finds you all happy and healthy,
Lots of love xxx
The dreaded night binging came back with a vengeance last night. I was up 3 times in the night binging and purging. What happened? I thought it had gone away but apparently not. It's not fun and it's just not good.
This morning I was wrecked after my nightly escapades. I dragged myself to the couch where I collapsed and promptly fell back to sleep. I intended to stay there for the day but I could hear my 2 dogs barking outside and I knew they were anxious to go walkies. So I peeled myself off the couch and piled them into my car.
We drove to a nearby lake where they had a good swim. It never ceases to amaze me how good an effect my dogs have on my mood. If I did not have them I would have surely stayed on that couch feeling sorry for myself. I suppose they take me away from myself for a moment because I have to take care of them.
Something else has been bothering me. I've posted before how at the moment I feel like I am in limbo. A wishy washy no-mans land. I don't consider myself to be in recovery but I am engaging in therapy so I guess I am trying to help myself some. My eating disorder is still very much active but my weight is not at a critical low so a lot of the time I don't feel I am sick, or sick enough although my bathroom would tell a different story.
I read a lot of pro-ana blogs but I also read recovery blogs and engage with people from both. I suppose this is a reflection of my head space, being somewhere between the two. I think what I'm trying to say is that I feel like a fraud, a double agent. I flirt with both ways of life without committing to either. And I think the same can be said for my recovery from drugs. From the outside I am not using illegal drugs and I am clean. But look a little closer and you will see that I abuse my methadone and anxiety meds. Again I feel in limbo. on the surface everything seems ok but dig a little deeper and you will find things are not all rosy in the garden. I would love to know if any of you feel this way too as it is a lonely place to be. I paint a smile on my face everyday, I tell my doctor everything is fine, I lie to my therapist, all for what? So people won't worry? So I can be left in peace with my addictions? To be honest I'm not really sure. Oh and I almost forgot about the shoplifting. I remember them telling me in treatment that there is a link between eating disorders and shoplifting but that does little to make me feel better. I'm stealing, I might only be stealing cheap food items but I'm still stealing and Iwill be caught one of these days. I'm ashamed and embarrassed to admit to this but I have to be honest and I hope you will not judge me
It's been hard to write all this but I write in the hope that someone will identify or maybe even help someone else not to feel so alone.
I hope this post finds you all happy and healthy,
Lots of love xxx
Saturday 26 May 2012
Resuming service
Yay, I'm back with a brand spanking new laptop. Happy dance!!!
I'm sorry to report that my other laptop sadly died during the week. Poor laptop, you were barely a year old and still had so much to give. At least you are in a better place now with all the other laptops in the sky. I will miss you.
I suppose I should explain what happened.
After I saw my doctor on Monday I decided to have an 'opt out of reality day'. As in I decided to take 3 days worth of my anti anxiety meds and sleep for the day which I did. Sometime in the evening I decided to blog but was not really awake. I had a cup of tea in one hand and a cigarette in the other when I must of dozed off for a minute. An unknown amount of time later I opened my eyes to see a puddle of tea on the computer. I jumped up to get a cloth but the damage had already been done. I had killed it. I was beyond angry with myself. Serves me right for abusing my meds. My mother was also plenty mad at me because we share the laptop. But she was also mad that I was abusing my meds. I promised her I would never do it again and I meant it. It's not good taking them that way but the truth is I use it as a way to get a break from my ed. Just one day ed free that's all I ask. Anyway we got a new one today so all is forgiven and normal service resumes.
So just to give a quick update.
I saw Mary on Thursday and we went through my food diary. Basically she asks me to keep a log of everything I eat and drink and any exercise I do. To be honest I'm not very good at keeping record and I have been known to lie about what I've eaten and play down the purging. I know I am just lying to myself but writing it down on paper would just make it all real and I'm not ready to face up to it yet. She is really urging me to address the purging but it's so freakin hard. Purging has become second nature to me, it's like breathing, it's essential. I have a path worn from my kitchen to my bathroom. Lock the door, tie back my hair, make sure no one is outside, push two fingers down my throat and up it comes. Sorry that might have been too much info but that is the ugly truth of it. Whoever said eating disorders were glamorous or about vanity should come walk a day in my shoes.
Also we are having a heatwave here so everyone is wearing less clothes. This makes me anxious. Having my bare arms and legs out is not something I'm comfortable with at the moment. This time last year I was about half a stone lighter so I felt ok but looking at myself in the mirror this morning I just wanted to cry. Now I know that I can't trust my own judgement of how I look but I still do it anyway. My cousins wedding is in exactly 2 months so I think I can get to a 'safe' weight by then. Otherwise I would rather not go. In saying this though, I watched back a recording of the dance show and I could see that my shape was childlike compared to some of the other girls who had shapely and curvy figures. I think they looked a lot better than me. Another side effect of the heat is that my appetite has decreased so I have been purging a lot less. Today has been purge free so far and hope to keep it that way. Purging has really taken it's toll on my body and restricting. As I posted before my body is childlike but my face looks older than my years. I have not had a period in years, my bones are brittle, my teeth are severely damaged and I can't afford to get them fixed, my hair is limp and lifeless and my eyes are vacant.
A couple of weeks ago my dance partner had come over to practise and he was looking at family photos. There was one of me and my family taken in New york about 3 years ago. I was about 2 stone heavier than I am now. He looked at this photo and asked if I was in it. I told him I was and asked him to guess which one was me. He went through everyone in the photo until he finally said 'is that you?' in surprise. He said 'wow, you're a lot heavier there, have you been on a diet?' I didn't know how to respond and wasn't sure if it was a backhanded compliment or an insult. I brushed it off saying I was bloated due to medication but it proves my theory that my eating disorder has changed the way I look. I just look well........different. It's hard to explain.
Anyway I hope this post finds you all happy and healthy.
I missed you all so much,
Let me know how you are,
Much love xxx
I'm sorry to report that my other laptop sadly died during the week. Poor laptop, you were barely a year old and still had so much to give. At least you are in a better place now with all the other laptops in the sky. I will miss you.
I suppose I should explain what happened.
After I saw my doctor on Monday I decided to have an 'opt out of reality day'. As in I decided to take 3 days worth of my anti anxiety meds and sleep for the day which I did. Sometime in the evening I decided to blog but was not really awake. I had a cup of tea in one hand and a cigarette in the other when I must of dozed off for a minute. An unknown amount of time later I opened my eyes to see a puddle of tea on the computer. I jumped up to get a cloth but the damage had already been done. I had killed it. I was beyond angry with myself. Serves me right for abusing my meds. My mother was also plenty mad at me because we share the laptop. But she was also mad that I was abusing my meds. I promised her I would never do it again and I meant it. It's not good taking them that way but the truth is I use it as a way to get a break from my ed. Just one day ed free that's all I ask. Anyway we got a new one today so all is forgiven and normal service resumes.
So just to give a quick update.
I saw Mary on Thursday and we went through my food diary. Basically she asks me to keep a log of everything I eat and drink and any exercise I do. To be honest I'm not very good at keeping record and I have been known to lie about what I've eaten and play down the purging. I know I am just lying to myself but writing it down on paper would just make it all real and I'm not ready to face up to it yet. She is really urging me to address the purging but it's so freakin hard. Purging has become second nature to me, it's like breathing, it's essential. I have a path worn from my kitchen to my bathroom. Lock the door, tie back my hair, make sure no one is outside, push two fingers down my throat and up it comes. Sorry that might have been too much info but that is the ugly truth of it. Whoever said eating disorders were glamorous or about vanity should come walk a day in my shoes.
Also we are having a heatwave here so everyone is wearing less clothes. This makes me anxious. Having my bare arms and legs out is not something I'm comfortable with at the moment. This time last year I was about half a stone lighter so I felt ok but looking at myself in the mirror this morning I just wanted to cry. Now I know that I can't trust my own judgement of how I look but I still do it anyway. My cousins wedding is in exactly 2 months so I think I can get to a 'safe' weight by then. Otherwise I would rather not go. In saying this though, I watched back a recording of the dance show and I could see that my shape was childlike compared to some of the other girls who had shapely and curvy figures. I think they looked a lot better than me. Another side effect of the heat is that my appetite has decreased so I have been purging a lot less. Today has been purge free so far and hope to keep it that way. Purging has really taken it's toll on my body and restricting. As I posted before my body is childlike but my face looks older than my years. I have not had a period in years, my bones are brittle, my teeth are severely damaged and I can't afford to get them fixed, my hair is limp and lifeless and my eyes are vacant.
A couple of weeks ago my dance partner had come over to practise and he was looking at family photos. There was one of me and my family taken in New york about 3 years ago. I was about 2 stone heavier than I am now. He looked at this photo and asked if I was in it. I told him I was and asked him to guess which one was me. He went through everyone in the photo until he finally said 'is that you?' in surprise. He said 'wow, you're a lot heavier there, have you been on a diet?' I didn't know how to respond and wasn't sure if it was a backhanded compliment or an insult. I brushed it off saying I was bloated due to medication but it proves my theory that my eating disorder has changed the way I look. I just look well........different. It's hard to explain.
Anyway I hope this post finds you all happy and healthy.
I missed you all so much,
Let me know how you are,
Much love xxx
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