As sick as our secrets

Hey guys,
I hope you're well today,

I'm kind of reeling today after my session with Mary yesterday.
I was so nervous going in to see her that I even considered cancelling the appointment.
But I sucked it up and decided to take some responsibility for once in my life. The first question she always asks me is 'So how have you been?'
I explained that it had been a tough week and firstly about the laxatives. She looked concerned and told me about the adverse effects of laxative abuse. I nodded that I understood but didn't tell that it meant nothing to me if they ravaged my body. I wish I card more but I don't.
I knew  that if I put it off any longer that I wouldn't go through with it but it was so hard to find the words.
Eventually I got it out and said 'There's something else I've been doing that I haven't told you about, I've been shoplifting food and other items' I braced myself for a look of horror but she just took a moment and then said 'ok'. I explained how it hard started when I was  using drugs and I had just never stopped.
She told I would get caught, no two ways about it.
She told me that the shops I lift from may already know what I'm doing and could be gathering evidence until they are 100% sure. She said the shops will know exactly what items are going missing when they are stocktaking so that would also give me away.
This absolutely terrified me, to think that they may already know. I live in a small town so the word would spread like wildfire. On a good note it has scared me enough to make me stop. I was starting to feel invincible. that I would never get caught. This information changes everything. The thought of getting caught now terrifies me enough not to do it. In the end I was glad I told her. Holding all to all these secrets is draining, having to look over my shoulder all the time. I want to be able to sleep at night knowing I did the right thing today.

She then asked me how I was getting on with my meds. I told her I had overused one day.
She then explained that because this behaviour could harm me that she would have to tell my doctor and my psychiatrist. I had a feeing she was going to say this. I asked her for the option of telling my doctor myself on Monday. She agreed to this but said if she saw him before that, which see probably would, that she would have to tell him. I felt heartbroken because I know my doctor will be disappointed in me. He thinks I'm doing so well. I know she's doing this to help me but that doesn't make it any easier at the moment.
I get a weeks supply of meds so they will probably change this to picking it up every second day.
This is a pain in the ass but I understand why they need to do this. My mother will be happy about this so that makes me happy.

So that's it, all my dirty little secrets are out.
I do feel relieved, no more lying. no more stealing no more feeling guilty.
After seeing Mary I went to a shop that I normally lift from. The fear was there so I bought and paid for all my items. I guess it's a healthy fear so that's good.

I came home and I could just feel a binge coming on.
I had all these feelings flying around and I didn't know what to do with myself.
By the end of the day I had binged and purged 10-12 times. I haven't had a day that bad in a while and I was exhausted afterwards.
Today is a new day. A lot of the time I keep binge food in the house and this has to stop. I really need a break from it, it's doing my head in. I have my food planned for the day and I intend to stick to it.

Thanks for reading this and for your support,

Much love to you xxx