The rain has finally let up so I had two very happy doggies this morning who got a walk at long last.
When I'm on the computer in the morning they look at me as if to say 'what the hell are you doing? Don't you know we want to go walkies? Get off that damn thing!'
I'm considering writing a post on a walk from their point of view, sniffing stuff, chasing sheep, peeing in other peoples gardens, all that good stuff.
Anyway, I'm heading in to town today for 'shopping for the dress for Italy take 2'
I'm really considering buying the lemon yellow dress I described a few posts ago, it has really grown on me and it would be perfect for Italy. Plus it means I won't have to go from shop to shop today looking for something else when I'll probably end up buying this dress anyway. I say buy but I can only afford to put a deposit on it this week but that's ok.
Old friends seem to be popping out of the woodwork this last couple of days.
Yesterday evening I got a text from a girl I haven't heard from in a few months. We used to be really close.
We both have drug/alcohol addictions as well as eating disorders so we have a lot in common.
From my point of view it was not always a healthy relationship as I was somewhat competitive and always tried to weigh less than her. She was the only person I disclosed my weight to.
So she's been having a tough time and has had a few slips with alcohol but now she's attending meetings and has a sponsor so she's doing better than I am.
By coincidence she is also seeing Mary for her eating.
We were texting back and forth and I just knew from the tone that we were dying to know each others weight.
Eventually she asked me what my BMI was when I started seeing Mary and what it is now.
I had no problem telling her and she texted me back her weight. She weighs half a stone less but is also shorter than me so I guess that means she weighs a bit less than me.
This triggers me to no end.
We hope to meet up next week and I know I've gained since the last time time she saw me.
Yes I needed to but that doesn't make it any easier.
I know, this must all sound very unhealthy and I hate this competitive side to me although I know it's part of my eating disorder.
Part of me wants to put off meeting her until I've lost some but I know that is utterly ridiculous.
I shouldn't let something as petty as weight come between our friendship.
Rationally I know she wants to meet up because she wants to be friends again. Just because I've gained a little weight doesn't change me as a person, it doesn't mean I am any less than her.
Irrationally I'm thinking that she will think I'm a disgusting fat pig and a sorry excuse for an anorexic.
This is crazy talking, she is my friend, she won't measure my worth by how much I weigh.
So why do I?
I had fasted all day yesterday but then anxiety got the better of me and I binged and purged 3 times.
I guess 2 days b/p free was too much to ask of the bitch that is bulimia.
I probably should explain what I consider a binge and tell you what I ate.
First I had 5 crackers with spread. Purge.
Bacon sandwich. Purge.
Frozen meal. Purge.
These are not technically binges but any food in my stomach feels like a binge.
Food feels wrong and that's not good. Food is just food.
To finish on a positive note, I am 3 days shoplifting free.
A journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step.
Ok, must dash and get this dress shopping over with.
Thanks for reading this and much love to you xxx
my binges arent orthodox binges either, the calories are far more than yours, but the content tends to be crazy high fibre foods, which is good and bad, much harder to purge, but no fat I guess.
ReplyDeleteWe can conquer this tho, I kno it, we just need to try and stay positive and not give in to the defeatism that bulimia wants xxx
You are so right, we can do this, bulimia will not beat us down. I hope you are taking care of yourself xxx
Delete:) Well done for 3 days without shoplifting - rome was not built in a day so I am very impressed that you didnt b/p until yesterday. I am sure the yellow dress is lovely <3 your dogs sound adorable!
ReplyDeleteI am the same if I binge it will be on cereal or something :\ weird what we consider binges..
And you are not the only one who feels like putting things off until ive lost weight, be careful that this doesnt trigger you tooo much.
lots of love <3 xx
Finally got the dress today so am made up, not the one I was gonna get but an even nicer one.
DeleteHope you are well sweetie xxx
Good luck with your dressing shopping. Hopefully you will find the one today.
ReplyDeleteI am glad you have a friend that understands you and excepts you for who you are. I know what you mean about the competitive side. I had that with only one friend. I was constantly winning for a while and then a few years back I lost. I stopped talking to her because she cared about no one but herself and was always jealous when I was doing something great in my life.
Anyway I believe understand what you mean by the food in your tummy just feels wrong. I felt something like that the past couple of days here and there. Very weird and annoying at the same time. I exercise or make better food choices for the rest of the day to keep me sane.
Congrats of 3 days free of shoplifting ^_^
I am glad we are back in contact and I'll try to not let the eating disorder come between us.
DeleteMuch love to you xxx
hugs to you sweetheart. spoil your self. your strength is in
ReplyDeleteyour self-awareness and honesty.
My binges are nothing big either, thinking back on what I ate I always feel stupid for throwing up. But it's a bitch to quit, don't feel too bad for relapsing once. You lasted quite long without it.
ReplyDeleteAnd try not to make it a weightloss competition with her, I know it's impossible to stop though. Maybe she's actually jealous of you because you've recovered better than her?
Anyway, I'm glad you seem to sound a bit better today.
Much love.
Awh, dress shopping ^^. I really think you should buy the yellow one. And about that friend - amazing. I just love it when someone you haven't seen in ages takes sudden contact and wants to know what's up. It cheers up. But be careful not to fall in too much competition, that can ruin every relationship so damn easy. ^^
ReplyDeleteStay positive my love,
<3