Reality bites

Bulimia didn't listen to me yesterday but then she never listens.
She appeared at regular intervals through out the day and night.
It stops today.
I have no binge food in the house so hopefully bulimia will give up and take the day off.
I have strong urges to restrict. This wedding looms heavily over me and the pressure to look good consumes me. The pressure comes from me, nobody else. People just want me to be healthy.
I wish I wanted me to be healthy.
Also meeting my treatment friends in weeks is on my mind.
I've been given the label of anorexic and I feel pressure to live up to that label if that makes sense.
I just don't know who I am without anorexia. I don't know what would be left if it was taken away.
Me I guess.
Or a big eating disordered shaped hole.
I'm afraid to find  out.

I saw my doctor first thing this morning. I was dreading this appointment as Mary had told him about my abusing my meds. I sat nervously in the waiting room waiting for my name to be called anticipating the lecture that would follow. Eventually my name was called and I reluctantly followed him  into the treatment room.
He said nothing and just gave me look as if to say 'Ruby, Ruby, Ruby'.
He then pulled out a drug test and sent me to the bathroom. He hasn't tested me in the longest time but I understood why he did today. I returned to the room and even though I knew the test would be clean I still get anxious waiting for the result. I have to be honest here and say that I only admitted to abusing my anxiety meds and not the methadone even though I was. He was actually nice and gentle with me and asked me why I was doing this. I explained that the eating disorder was really getting me down and I was using it as an escape and to get a break from all the food related shit. He was understanding and said that because I was engaging in therapy, it was bringing a lot of issues to the surface so it made sense I wanted to escape. I hadn't thought of it like this and appreciated his insight. He is a big softie really.
I had been getting one weeks supply of meds at a time and he changed this to getting 3 days at a time.
This does and doesn't help. It will help me to spread out my meds but I still have 3 days supply and that is tempting to take them all at once. But where will that get me. It's so easy to slip into denial.
I can trick myself into thinking that because they're prescribed it's ok and I'm not using but that's denial talking. It is using. If I'm abusing them and using them to escape and it's affecting my life in a negative way, then it's definitely using. They are still drugs, prescribed or not.
I took them properly today and am determined to get this under control. I know it will lead me back to illegal drugs and that's the last thing I want. I never want to go back to that hell.
So I guess this a positive result even though it doesn't feel that way just yet. I am trying to build up the courage to go back to my support group. I just know it will help me so much but I keep putting it off.
It's hard to walk in there and admit that I fucked up. I suppose it's a pride thing.
People often ask me which is harder, dealing with a drug addiction or an eating disorder.
I think they are both equally hard but different. I was able to completely walk away from my drug life.
Away from the town, the drugs, the people and the lifestyle. I started fresh in a new town where nobody knew me. With food it's different. I can't cut food out of my life, I have to learn to deal with it in a healthy way. I find though that the behaviours are quite similar, the addiction, the denial and the lying.
Same shit different substance.

So I start this week afresh, attempting to get my addictions under control.
I'm blessed to have a supportive family, an understanding doctor and a great therapist.
Maybe with their help I can do this.
There is talk of spending christmas with my sister in Australia this year. I could spend 3 months there.
That is a huge motivation and gives me something to look forward to. It's such a great opportunity.
Here's hoping.

I'm also blessed to have met some amazing people through this blog and I appreciate every reader and comment. Thank you to you for being there and listening to my daily rants.
Gosh this post is getting very emotional so I'm going to go before we all start crying.

Much love xxx