Better the Devil you know

My weekly doctors appointments are getting stranger and stranger
This morning he opened with 'Ruby, I'm sorry I'm late, my wife was away this weekend and you know what men are like when they're left to their own devices so I had to spend the morning cleaning up'
Ok
Too much information?
Not really though, I have been seeing the same doctor week in week out for over 7 years and it seems we have run out of health related topics to talk about
You see I have to go every week being on a methadone programme
I have to get my urine drug tested (although he rarely does this anymore)
Also they give out more than a weeks methadone at a time unless you are going away
So today we talked about, The community Games, The Olympics, writing and horse riding
Don't get me wrong he is a lovely man but I think like a lot of people, he assumes I am better because I have regained some weight
He knows I still purge but it's rarely mentioned
I guess it's up  to me to mention it but who wants to talk about how many times a day they throw up

This summer has also been strange
Strange but good
I think I probably started worrying about this summer at christmas
I worried about the wedding in Italy, I stressed about my sister coming home as we've clashed before, I agonised over so many people being in and out of my house all summer
But like so many things in my life, it's the thought of the event rather than the actual event that cause me so much worry
Usually it's just me and my mother at home and she works away during the week so a lot of the time I am alone and I had got used to that
I thought having so many people around drive me bananas but wonder of all wonders I actually enjoyed it
Although the food in Italy caused some stress, I wouldn't have missed it for the world
To see my  cousin, who I've known my whole life get married and be so happy was not to be missed
Having my sister home has been a tonic
She is  a bundled of energy, so spontaneous and go, go, go and it definitely rubbed off on me
I think I've had more fun this summer than I've had in the last 5 years, maybe even 10 years
I had forgotten how great it feels to laugh
To really laugh, a proper belly laugh where you think you're going to pee
My sister said to me last night that if I surround myself with positive people the positivity will flow through them in to me
This makes sense
As they say 'you are the company you keep'
She is returning to Australia early Wednesday morning and I am dreading it
I will go to the airport but I can't promise that I won't cry
What I won't miss is the bubbling tension between my sister and my mother
It has been simmering for the past 2 weeks and as I type they are locked in a passive aggressive fight
As with every fight in my family, I am caught in the middle and I hate it
I tend to stay out of fights but that doesn't mean I'm not dragged in to them
Leave them to it I say

I had decided to weigh this morning
I haven't weighed in, it must be months now and I had a sudden urge to know my weight
But fate intervened and I was running late this morning so I didn't have time although maybe that would have been an ideal time to weigh as I wouldn't have had time to have a nervous breakdown
I stopped weighing (apart from Mary weighing me) because it was taking over my life
I weighed obsessively, nearly every hour
Those little numbers had so much power over me
I analysed every little loss and gain
A gain sent me in to a tailspin and a loss left me high for the rest of the day
I have 2 sets of scales in my room
The taunt me every day, daring me to step on them
Only this week did I shove them under a set of drawers
Maybe I'll weigh tomorrow

Now that the summer is coming to an end and things are beginning to return to normal, I feel my eating disorder hanging around more and more like a bad smell
She is ridiculing me for gaining weight, trying to lure me back in with false promises of happiness
I am trying to ignore her but it is so very tempting
Just one more time, maybe an all time low weight
This is what keeps me coming back, the thought of losing, the buzz of my clothes feeling looser, the feel of my bones getting sharper
But I have to  remind myself that this comes with a high prices
Depression, isolation, illness and anxiety come as a package with anorexia
I wonder what I will do once this summer is over
How will I spend my time, what will I think about, what will I focus on
Recovery or eating disorder
I suppose my eating disorder is the devil I know
Recovery is an unkown beast
Time will tell I suppose
I'm still not sure which I want
Life or death
Death is sometimes the easy option, life requires courage and strength
As I've often said, I want to want to recover
I want to want it so much
I need to ring Mary, I haven't seen her in weeks
I suppose I've been busy living
And I have been living this summer not merely existing
But I know how easy I revert back to old behaviours
Here's hoping............

Enjoy some food porn and photos from Cork,

Enjoy................