Clueless!

I saw Mary on Friday
I felt ok going in
But then she started talking about reaching a healthy weight
A healthy normal weight
She told what my BMI is and I just lost it
Tears streamed down my face

'I don't want to be normal or healthy'

'Why not?'

'If I don't have this I don't have anything'

And I really do feel that way
I don't know who or what I am without my eating disorder
I have no idea who Ruby is
What her beliefs are
Her morals and values
Her opinions
She is a stranger to me
All I know is Ruby the anorectic
Mary asked me to write out how I spend my day
Everything I did revolved around my eating disorder
I think about it all the time
When I'm not thinking about it I'm writing about
When I'm not writing about it I'm engaged in some ed behaviour
And as for gaining weight?
I'm ashamed to admit that I'd rather be thin and miserable than fat and happy



I'm a mess by this stage
Tears continue to fall from my eyes and I can't catch my breath
I have a massive urge to get up and run out of the room but I stop myself
I tell her I think I'm wasting her time
That I don't think that I want recovery
She says that if I didn't want it I wouldn't keep coming back week after week
I guess that's true

But I've also taken a step back in the last few weeks
I'm barely leaving the house
Not seeing my friends
Obeying the voice in my head
I'm just so afraid
Constantly afraid
I live with my eating disorder
But I also can't live without it
I feel like I am in limbo
A wishy-washy no man's land
Maybe I just have to accept that it's over
My love affair with anorexia has come to an end
As with any relationship one of the parties doesn't want it to be over
I feel like anorexia is pissed off and angry that I'm trying to leave
She won't go quietly and is putting up a fight
And I am undecided whether I want it to end or not
Recovery is unknown territory
I need to take a massive leap of faith
Or maybe just a baby step of faith



The years are going by so fast now
I'm missing out on the best years of my life
My school friends are doing well
They have careers and qualifications
Independence and freedom
I on the other hand am a spectator
Watching life from the sidelines
Desperate to join in but too scared to make the first the move
Wanting to live but instead I'm just existing
I know if I don't do something soon my life will be full of regrets
I don't want to end up bitter and resentful
I'm still young
If I started now I could rebuild my life
I could regain my confidence and independence
If only I took the chance



I had been with Mary for an hour and a half when she finally said she would weigh me
Reluctant as ever I stepped on the scale but didn't look
I watched her take note of the number trying to work out what she was writing
Curiosity always gets the better of me
'You haven't gained' she says
And I'm so glad because I think I gain might have tipped me over the edge
She said that even though my weight is below average, this might be my set point
Can I live with myself at this weight?
I'm not quite sure yet

In addiction there is something called 'euphoric recall'
It's when you look back at your addiction and only remember the good times
Romanticizing it if you will
I do this a lot with my eating disorder
I reminisce about my sickest days
I almost think fondly of them
Which in itself is sick
I guess it's a bit like someone is an abusive relationship
You forget the abuse and the cruelty and you keep taking the abuser back in to your life
And anorexia is an abuser
And I keep taking her back again and again
Each time she promises that things will be different
This time will be better
She swears she will behave
That  things won't go so far this time
We'll just lose a few pounds and leave it at that
But of course this is all lies
There are no half measures with an eating disorder
It's all or nothing
Literally
I all too easily forget the misery of anorexia and look back with rose tinted glasses
But what is romantic about binging and purging 10 times a day
What is glamorous about cleaning vomit off the bathroom floor
Stealing food
Having papery skin
Limp hair
Lanugo
The list goes on and on



And the cherry on my weekend?
I got my period
My first period in almost 10 years
To quote Cher from Clueless I'm 'surfing the crimson wave'
I swear it was as traumatic as the first time I got it
I told my mother and sister and they practically threw a party
Another person might have been glad to get it
It's a sign that your body is recovering and back to working normally
But for me it's not
For me it's a reminder that I'm not as thin as I used to be
That I'm inching ever closer to a healthy weight
I don't like it
I don't like it at all
Take me back anorexia, all is forgiven