R.I.P

Our community is in shock today
Another case of bullying
Another young life taken
Another family torn apart
Another teenage suicide

About 2 months ago a teenager called Erin Gallagher committed suicide
She was just 13 years old
She lived about half an hour from me
It was the second teenage suicide in as many weeks
Ciara Pusley another young girl died the week before
Both girls were being bullied
Both at school and over the internet
Erin's house and family had been targeted
Their property vandalised
I thought things couldn't get any worse
But yesterday as I was trying on shoes in a shop in town with my father, I heard the 11am news
I only caught a few words
Gallagher
Sister
Suicide
At first I thought I has heard wrong
I said it to my father but he hadn't heard
I sat for a moment trying to figure out what exactly I had heard
Then I heard 2 staff members talking

'Oh God, not her sister'

'Jesus Christ'

My heart dropped in my chest
We made our way back to the car to listen to the radio where it was confirmed
Erin's older sister Shannon had been found dead in a townland near her home
She had also committed suicide
She was 15 years old

I'm finding it really difficult to take in
And I can't imagine what the Gallagher family are going through today
Their world has been turned upside down and inside out
It's a tragedy to experience one suicide
But 2 in as many months
It is truly unthinkable
Shannon had made an emotional tribute to her sister at her funeral
She was devastated by her sisters death
It's so unbearably sad to think that she felt she had to do the same thing
Two beautiful young girls
They should be living the best years of their lives
But now they are gone
And their families are left to pick up the pieces



Bullying is a subject that is close to my heart
I've written about it before so I won't go in to detail but I have experienced bullying at home, in school, in work and even in hospital
I couldn't understand why I seemed to attract these bullies like a magnet so I started to believe that there was something wrong with me
That I was useless
Worthless
Not worth caring about or loving
Bullying wears you down over time
I felt scared
I felt alone
I felt helpless
It knocks any shred of self confidence you ever had
And stamps all over your self esteem
And especially when you are a teenager and all you want to do is fit in
Be one of the 'gang'
At that age your peers are your whole world
If you are not part of the 'cool' crowd then your life is pretty much a misery
And that age it's almost impossible to look to the future
It's hard to see that things could ever get better
Sometimes suicide is the only option we can see
We want the pain to stop
We start to believe that people would be better off without us
That we are just a burden
That no one would even miss us when we're gone
It's the only way out we can see
But something about this case makes me think that there might have been more to the story
More than bullying
What I don't know
It's just a feeling

Suicide has been on my horizon for a long time
It's my plan B
If life doesn't work out, then it's my other option
I would describe it as a passive deathwish
I don't actively seek it out but I welcome it if it happens
I remember when I was getting clean off drugs I made a deal with myself
I would give recovery a shot for 6 months and if things didn't get better by then I would kill myself
As strange as it sounds, that kept me going
Knowing that I could end it all at any time gave me some comfort
But now that I am a bit older, I'm more aware of the effect my suicide would have on my family
It would literally break them
It might be the end of my pain but it would open up a world of hurt for them
And I guess that's as good a reason as any not to do it

The Gallagher family are now facing in to Christmas without 2 of their precious daughters
I can't even begin to imagine the pain they are in
It doesn't bear thinking about
It makes me think about my own situation
As much as I am struggling, I have a lot to be grateful for
I have my family
As much as they drive me nuts sometimes, I love then and wouldn't change them for the world
If love could get me well I would've got well a long time ago
I'm grateful for my (relative) health
I'm grateful for my 2 dogs who have saved my life over and over again
I'm grateful to have a roof over my head
A warm, dry bed to sleep in
Food in my fridge
Clothes in my wardrobe
I have an amazing trip to look forward to
A wonderful therapist
And you
You have shown me unwavering support and for that I am eternally grateful
As much as I am going through I wouldn't change places with anyone
My life is far from perfect but I wouldn't have it any other way



If you are struggling today, remember you are not alone
Reach out to someone
Ask for help
Don't suffer in silence
There is help
There is hope
There are people who will listen

So today please keep Erin and Shannon in your thoughts
And all the other victims of suicide




Erin and Shannon I hope you are at peace now
Take care of each other
You won't be forgotten