Help!

I'm sorry
All I can say is I'm sorry
I'm failing miserably at recovery
I feel like I'm letting everyone down
This has been building for the last couple of weeks and came to a head this weekend
I saw Mary on Friday morning
I was going to cancel so I wouldn't have to be weighed but I need all the support I can get before I go away so I went
I hadn't been weighed in 2 or 3 weeks
And in those weeks I was convinced that I had put on 3 - 4 kilos
I felt bigger
I felt like there was more of me
That I was taking up more space
And of course the mirror tells me that I am fat
I would have staked my life on the fact that I had put on weight
So Mary weighed me but I didn't look
She spent half an hour talking me in to hearing the number and I finally relented
My heart thumped in anticipation
I was dying to know but I also couldn't stand to know

'You haven't gained Ruby'

'In fact you've lost'

What the?
After the initial shock, relief flooded through my body
I couldn't actually believe it
How could I have got it so wrong?
But then I've never been good at judging my own weight

It just goes to show that I can not trust the way I feel
Or the mirror
Or even my own eyes
Would I like to  lose more weight?
Yes
In my head I am fat no matter what the scale says
The cruel thing about this illness is that we never get to enjoy the one thing that we crave the most because we never believe we are thin enough

Trying to shake this thing is harder than I ever imagined
This eating disorder just won't seem to let me go
Or rather I won't let go of it
It's like a poison invading my body and mind
Mary says that I will get out of therapy what I put in
I do want to get well
Or more like I want to want to get well

There is a girl I used to meet when I was walking my dogs
She was extremely thin and power walked up and down the beach
I would meet her everyday rain, hail or shine
Then all of a sudden she disappeared
I often wondered what had happened to her
Did she get better?
Did she finally get tired of pounding the pavement everyday?
Did she die?
I hoped and prayed that she was in recovery
But then on Friday while I was walking my dogs in the pouring rain I saw a familiar figure walking towards me
It was her
As thin as ever
I wanted to run up to her and wrap her in a hug and tell her that I know what she is going through
That I know exactly how she feels
The sick part of wants to join her

All these things have massively triggered me
I binged and purged my way through Friday like it was going out of fashion
But I'm ashamed to say that I haven't eaten since Saturday
Every minute of every day is filled with thoughts of

'Will I eat?'

''When can I eat?'

'What can I eat?'

And then eating nothing
I have to admit that those old  feelings came flooding back
The emptiness
The power
The control
The lightheadedness
The anorectic in me is  having a ball
But in my heart I know that this is wrong
It's wrong
I hate it but I love it
I don't want it but I want it
I want to stop but I can't
I know  that it's wrong but it feels good
I feel hugely guilty
It feels like when I used drugs when I was supposed to be clean
The butterflies in my tummy
It's terrifying but thrilling

My behaviours are all over the place
Abusing my meds again
Barely leaving the house
Shoplifting
Lather, rinse, repeat
I swear if I put as much as much energy in to recovery as I do in to my illness I would be well on my way
I know what I need to do but fear and anxiety keep me paralysed
I sat in the living room last night
It was dark apart from the twinkling Christmas lights that I put up the day before
I would've cried if I wasn't so numb
I don't know where to go from here

Help

Please