Day: Monday
Mood: In different
Song: Daft Punk, Get Lucky
Wearing: New blue tracksuit
Wearing: New blue tracksuit
A fresh start
A chance to put the mistakes of last week behind us and start over
An opportunity to make new goals and a whole week to meet them
Although I do find Monday's quite triggering
I get my meds on a Monday so there is always the temptation to over use them
Today I've been good
I took them as prescribed
I saw my doctor this morning
My usual doctor is still off so I saw one of the women doctors
She was lovely
I explained about my dizzyness
She took my blood pressure
3 times actually
And it was low
She figures that I am dehydrated and told me to drink more water
The first thing I do every morning, even before I weigh myself is feel my hip bones
I find it's a good indicator as to whether I've gained or lost
This morning I felt like they were more prominent
I weighed and I had lost half a kilo
After maintaining for almost 3 weeks the number has finally dropped
It's bittersweet
I always imagine in my head how good it will feel to she the number decrease
But when it happens it's something of an anticlimax
And it's never enough
It's a moving target that gets lower and lower
My favourite time of the day is last thing at night
When my head hits the pillow, I have a feeling incredible relief
The day is over
Binging and purging is over
The demons is my head don't go away but they do subside a little
It feels so good to have gotten through that day in one piece
Lying in my warm cosy bed I can let all the anxiety go
All the stress
The strain
The endless tug-of-war in my head
The cooking
The cleaning
The never ending march from my kitchen to the bathroom
It all just melts away
Just for those few minutes before I fall asleep, I feel free
Free from the urge to eat and purge
Free from the voice abusing me
Free from the grip of this illness
This happens me sometimes
I get little glimpses of what my life could be like
The person that I could be
Just Ruby
Not Ruby the anorexic or Ruby the drug addict
But then I wake up the next morning and the whole cycle starts again
I had to ask my mother for the loan of money this week
There are few things that I hate more than asking someone for a loan of money
At my age I should be able to budget and be responsible
But maintaining a raging bulimic's lifestyle is expensive
I got to the shop every day and buy food
I hate that I spend so much money on food
Food that gets flushed down the toilet
It's literally money done the drain
And then the guilt and shame kick in
I just don't have the energy to do this anymore
My body is hurting
It's tried and cold and brittle
It's had enough
I've had enough
It's a new week... I know where you are coming from when finally being able to sleep... so that you don't have to think...
ReplyDeleteDon't give up, I know you're tired... so am I.... it's never easy :-/
New weeks are always a great fresh start. Heck, each day is a fresh start if you ask me. There's always great intention in new weeks though, and it's a chance to put the past sevens days behind you.
ReplyDeleteMy favorite time of day is first thing in the morning, shortly followed by the time after dinner, for similar reasons. It means there's no awful feeling of the food I last ate sitting in my stomach, or the stress of having to plan yet another meal.
You're in my thoughts dear. Don't give up fighting <3
xxxx
My least favorite time of the day is before i fall asleep..my mind races a lot, I think too much about things I can't control, it prevents me from sleeping a lot. Though lately I've been so tired I don't care, I've been going to sleep as early as 10. I'm sorry you had to ask for money...I've been having to sacrifice social life, because my bank account is getting so low. I need a job like crazy, it's terrible. I'm just applying and applying, nothing works, it's so infuriating. I hope tomorrow is another good day, we all need a good week for once.
ReplyDeleteI hate borrowing money from anyone, and I always find solace in sleep. Two or three times a day it seems. I sleep the days away until everyone else is asleep and then I stay awake knowing I don't have to face the world. (Sometimes I sleep then, too.)
ReplyDeleteI've got a few blogger friends that have gone though this and I seem to have less and less advice every time. But I've learned through a writer friend (who does not have an ED) is that a major reason why people are lethargic and unhappy and unproductive and imbalanced is because their diet is all wrong. Eating healthy, balanced meals (and proper amounts of exercise) will make your mind healthy and balanced. It's worth a try, if you're willing and able.
Hope you find a way to break this cycle and leave your ED in the dust :-)
Ruby ruby ruby, little ruby,
ReplyDeleteIf your struggling to maintain for yourself, try it for Mary? She's so good for you it seems I would be such a shame if you lost her? Do it for other people and things until you can find the strength to want it for yourself?
Love you xxxx
Good job with taking the meds as prescribed! That's an awesome step in the right direction this week, even if the b/p is still up.
ReplyDeleteBulimia is very expensive. I'm lucky now because my parents keep a well-stocked fridge and at college the dining halls are open most of the day, but if I were on my own I would probably try to buy normal amounts and end up splurging on anything and everything. It kills me, but not as much as it does not not eat.
I love the start of a new week :) There is always hope in 'newness'. Wish I had enlightening and encouraging words to spread to you. Unfortunately, I don't... :( But much love Ruby xxx
ReplyDeleteBecause of work my week is all messed up. I hate Saturday, it's the first day of my working week and I have Mr.T the Twatface. HELP!
ReplyDeleteSending you hugs and love to bash the Ed off with. I wish you could be spending your money on YOU and not Ed.
LOVE YOU!