I have been trying my best to be
I almost had myself convinced that this is what I want
And it is
But it isn't, if that makes any sense
I have been telling my family that this is it
It's going to happen this time
I'm finally going to put my fuck-wittery and God for saken ED behind me once and for all
I've been talking about all the things that I am going to do differently
How recovery is going to be awesome and I'm going to be the best little recovering anorectic that ever was
Some lovely people commented on my blog that I am brave and strong
Although they are kind words I cringed as I read them
Because you know what?
The truth is I'm terrified
The truth is I haven't properly thought about what I will do after I set foot in that hospital
The truth is that I think I've been trying to convince myself aswell as everyone else that I'm going to recover
The truth is that I don't know what the hell I'm doing or where I am going
That I didn't bank on treatment happening so soon
I didn't think it would happen before Christmas
I thought I would have a couple of months to have one last big blow out
The truth is my ED is making plans for when I come home
That I will lose weight and manage my weight at a low but not critical level to keep the heat off me
How messed up is that?
I'm already planning to lose the weight that I have not yet gained
I know that it's my ED and not me
It's just so sneaky
So sinister
I can't distinguish my own thoughts from my ED
It's like she realises her position of power is now in jeopardy and she is trying to lure me back in
Trying to sabotage me before I even have a chance of recovery
I guess these feeling are normal
I remember when quitting drugs I wasn't sure it was what I wanted but I was willing to give it a shot
And it worked out for the most part
I wouldn't hold on to my ED so tightly if there weren't some benefits
And there are but they are few and far between these days
The purging is so so bad
I've never felt so out of control
And this thing only get worse although how it could get any worse I do not know
I saw my doctor this morning
Because I am feeling all these shitty feelings I decided to test the waters to see if he would up my meds
Just to get a little relief
That right there is classic addict behaviour
I explained that my anxiety is through the rough and I'm not sleeping
This is partly true
He said that if things didn't improve he would increase them next week
So you can bet your bottom dollar that no matter how I get on this week I will telling him the same thing I did today
Or maybe I won't
I don't know
I know that this is just me panicking at the thought of all my escape methods being taken away from me
To my surprise he brought up the subject of reducing my methadone
I said it wasn't a good time
'Next week then' he said
'No comment' I replied
I have stopped weighing completely and in my head I have gained the weight of a baby elephant
I can't bring myself to weigh
It's just too anxiety provoking
So instead I did the next best thing
I tried on my smallest pair of trousers to see if they still fit
They did
I felt better
Despite the way I am feeling I will plough ahead
I will attend the assessment on Wednesday
I will go in when a get a date
But beyond that I just don't know
Please tell me it's normal to feel this way
Please tell I am not crazy
If anyone has been through this please do let me know how it was for you
I need to hear that what I am feeling is ok
That I am not a bad person for feeling so confused
That this is all part of a greater plan
After the doctor I cleared my head with a walk on beautiful Bundoran beach with my 2 best girls
I seem to only post photos of me with my dogs
I do have friends, I promise you
Well 2 friends, he he
But for a drug addict with a raging ED that's pretty good going
Anyway, over to you.............
I think it is more than normal to be afraid Ruby, when I changed my life completely, I had no plan to fill up what I was taking away, I just knew I had to change my life. Now I exercise a lot... I am forever having one addiction over another, I chose a better one this time and I am able to talk myself out of doing this one all the time so that I don't allow it to control me endlessly. It is never easy, life is like that, but I know you are doing the right thing.... everything will fall into place, you gave up drugs, you will get a handle on your ED ... You will be the one in control, not ana... I believe in you... :)
ReplyDeleteThanks Launna, I know that you have been on this merry-go-round and understand where I'm coming from
ReplyDeleteIt's good to know that it's ok to feel like this,, normal even
I do that too
Bounce from one addiction to another
I guess I need to find semi healthy things to fill my life
As ever thank you x
You know what you are doing by posting pics like the last one? Don't Ruby, just don't. ED is almost everything that makes you right now. How perfectly normal it is to feel the way you do? It will be hard hard hard but so worth it. You will lose a lot, an awful lot. But i swear one day you will not want it back. You do not want ED to be the thing that makes you special forever, do you?
ReplyDeleteXx
I know Loulou and it is so unlike me to do that
DeleteAll of a sudden I feel like I have to justify having an ED
Like I have to prove that I really do have one
It's sick behaviour and I will probably delete the photo as it felt wrong to post it
I sent you a little email, I was wondering how you are? x
It's completely natural to feel this when losing a coping mechanism. You've allowed it to become a part of you. I myself struggled a lot to be okay with letting it go even slightly. Anorexia made me a fantastically productive, successful person. I think people could definitely say that I'm bright but lazy if they know me as just plain me, no ED. I had allowed that girl to be my identity and I fiercely defended her and why I needed to be her. It's okay not to feel okay and you really have to try to grasp that you ARE sick and you DON'T need anything to validate that. Easier said than done, I know. It's okay to not feel okay. If what you struggle with in your life affects you that strongly, to the point that you can no longer live a healthy and happy life then you have a problem and that's good enough.
ReplyDeleteI would say that right now you plan to lose the weight but just try and look at your thought processes behind it. You're not a teenager anymore. We are at the age that people expect us to be doing things with our lives and that's scary. Don't rush your growth. Feel it as it comes and deal with it as is comes. Acknowledge these fears but don't allow them to plant. Surround yourself with positive people that love you and be candid with them about your anxieties because they can help support you in this time.
You can do this. I don't need some kind of proof to know. In your weakness you can find strength. Tons of love and prayers dear Ruby.
That's it Eve
DeleteI am so afraid of what people will expect of me when I come home
I'll have to finally grow up and be and adult and that scares the be-jesus out of me
I'm just trying to take one step at a time and not jump ahead and worry about problems that are not there yet
Thanks for the reassurance, I feel better knowing that I am not the only one that feels this way
Love to you x
Oh Ruby, the waiting is one of the hardest parts because it gives time for ed to get in there and convince you of so many things (that aren't true, may I just add!). The only thing I can say is does it really matter if your ed is planning for weight loss after hospital? Because right now, that may ease some of the anxiety. And you don't know where you will be when you come out (hopefully in a much better place where weight loss is not seen as any kind of solution). I think most people enter treatment with that knowledge that they can 'undo' everything after. But some don't. Some come out in such a different place that they never want to return to the world they inhabited before. And I hope so much that things start to change for you. As for thinking beyond the first step inside, again, the important thing is to make that step. After that you will have people around to support you with whatever comes up. I'm pretty sure you are incredibly unhappy right now - this may (and I believe will) help you towards becoming the woman you could be and surely that's a whole lot nicer than living as you do now? Definitely worth a shot? You know I'll be around Cxx
ReplyDeleteHey C, it is definitely worth a shot
DeleteAnd yes, misery is a great motivator
I really am so tired of hating myself and feeling so down
And you are right, I will make the first step and take it from there
I am blessed to have great support from my family and Mary
If love could get me well I would be fully recovered
Thanks for your support also, it means a lot
Hope you are well x
Changes are scary.. I think the reason why I set up my self up to fail over and over when it comes to my weight-loss is because I am afraid of what things can be when I don't carry around this "wall".. I gained the weight when my step dad started abusing me when I was around 10 and I think I still at times feel like the scared helpless little girl who needs all of this to survive... So yeah, I'm scared and honestly a tad unsure of who I am without all this weight..
ReplyDeleteBut I know that we both know that changes are needed for us to have the future we want to have. So it's Ok to be scared, it means you really care and you really want the changes. Hopefully we both will manage to have a healthy relationship with our bodies and mind before end of next year :)
Change is scary Kitty
DeleteAnd just like you I have great fear around life without my ED
I just don't know who I am without it
I really hope that you and me can get past this Kitty
You so deserve to be happy and content in your own skin
You've suffered long enough
Hope all is ok with you and baba x
It's your fear that makes you brave and strong. You're going to go into something you're scared of, and you're not going to back down, despite every bone in your body telling you to.
ReplyDeleteThanks Emily for your kind words and continued support x
DeleteIt is completely normal to feel this way Ruby. You're facing losing a big coping mechanism, and a big part of your life in general. You can't be expected to be 100% sure. Your ED will run through plans and schemes and diets, and while it's hard to distinguish your thoughts from ED's, I think you're more aware than you give yourself credit for. Either way, I'm glad to hear that you're still going to go to the assessment and go in when you have a date. You don't need to have a concrete plan for during and after treatment, let tomorrow worry about itself.
ReplyDeleteSo much love to you dear *hugs* xx
I guess that it is normal Bella
ReplyDeleteI think I just needed to hear from others
And yes, I will still go in as planned and try not to be jumping ahead to problems that have not yet happened
Love to you too dearest, hope you're ok x
I'm so glad I read this post and the comments. I'm just starting treatment for the first time ever, and I completely understand what you're feeling. Part of me is like, yes, I will go in and be honest and recover! I can do this!
ReplyDeleteBut then a larger part of me starts thinking about what recovery actually is. Eating my "unsafe" foods. Possibly gaining weight. And I panic. I don't want that! I don't want to recover. I want to just stay like this. I'm fine! I'm totally fine!
And then there's the twisted part of me that clings to my ED like a child. Why? I don't know. It doesn't treat me nicely. It whispers the most terrible things in my head. I hate it. But there's a part of me that just wants to continue on my path of self-destruction. Maybe because I believe all those terrible things, and I think that's what I deserve. I don't know.
Anyways, all this to say, you're not alone.
You are in the same boat as me Kay
DeleteI was hesitant to write this post as I was trying so damn hard to be positive
But the reality is that embarking on recovery is petrifying
If it was easy we would all be well and happy
It's not that simple
Anorexia/bulimia are cunning and powerful and they will do anything to lure us back in
When are you going in to treatment?
I think I am going in very soon, in fact my assessment is tomorrow
Wishing you health and happiness as you start your journey out of this hell x
My assessment was yesterday. I was so anxious about it too. I thought I was going to throw up as I was getting ready. I blogged about it here: http://morevicethanvirtue.blogspot.com/
DeleteIt went...ok. Better than I thought, but still hard. It's hard to tell how I feel about it because I tend to retreat into an emotionless state when I face this stuff. I think the appointment where they give me their recommendations will be harder. That's when I'll have to face the changes I need to make. Best of luck to you at your appointment!
That makes sense, love.
ReplyDeleteThe bitch will ALWAYS fight back.
Damn right it's scary. Gah I wish i could hug you! Doing anything different is fucking pants-wettingly-scary, and you're going "FUCK YOU, BIARCH" to the life-destroying fuckface that has been ruling your entire life. Lol, I thought finishing Uni was scary and that was only 5 years of my life.
One trip isn't the magic bullet unless you're really really lucky. This fiend has had it's claws in you since forever and it's going to fight hard to keep them there. You're wise to it's ways now and you are starting to want that bitch gone so you have a better chance of digging some out than at any time before now.
That's normal-for-ED and fucking scary. With your addictyness it'll never happen like that. It'll get you right back to here or worse :/
Try to go with the not? Ana happened wile you weren't looking because of the drugs, if you get fogged out on legal stuff she can switch tactics to stay without you being aware of it.
ASDFGHJKL;' the weight of a baby elephany has to be the CUTEST imaginary brainspaz-weight you'll ever gain. Unless it's the weight of a box of kittens, but let's not go there ok?
http://wakpaper.com/large/Elephants_wallpapers_111.jpg
http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-jvJ6EYZL1YU/UXkwtmhWFtI/AAAAAAAABLM/EtMtoY-UKTA/s1600/3.jpg
http://cdn.superbwallpapers.com/wallpapers/animals/baby-elephant-and-egrets-16158-1680x1050.jpg
http://www.hdwallpapersplus.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/10/Baby-elephant-iin-field-wallpaper.jpg
http://www.hdwallpapersplus.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/10/Baby-Eeephants-plying-wallpaper.jpg
http://www.hdwallpapersplus.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/10/Baby-elephant-picture.jpg
While obviously we're both completely bonkers, what you're feeling IS totally normal for the situation. Humans shit bricks when faces with massive life changes and the unknown. YOU'RE REACTING LIKE A HUMAN. THAT IS A GOOD THING.
Omg can we go to that beach next year? Pretty please with sugar on top? Sure it will be the start of winter but I love beaches in all weather. (Apart from cyclones and tsunamis. Also king tides can be a little freaky)
That's fucking EPIC going! Long distance high-five and some general ribbing :p Most of my friends are internet-friends because STUPID STUDENT FRIENDS KEEP MOVING AWAY AFTER UNIVERSITY. RUUUUUUUUUUUDE.
Love you heaps Ruby *huggles*
Love to to the moon and back Peri
DeleteThank you fro your continued support over the last year
Your comments are like little rays of sunshine and never fail to make me chuckle
I know that you are going through your own stuff
It seems a lot of us are right now
But yes, I would love nothing more than to have you come stay with me and bring you on a magical mystery tour around the west of Ireland
We would have so much fun!
Someday
Right?
Keep hanging in there lovely x
I think you will be just fine, it is the first time I read your blog but I can tell you are a strong woman.It is fine to be afraid, but you will get over it!!
ReplyDeletekisses
I don't know about that but thanks you Sophie, it's nice of you to say x
DeleteYou are strong Ruby. Being scared is the normal reaction, but you know you are doing the right thing. Start to plan your life and you will see how worth it will be.
ReplyDelete