My 'anorexic clothes' as I call them
And for the longest time I have resisting doing this
Mainly because I had no intention of gaining weight
But weight gain is going to happen
For real
These clothes are not going to fit me anymore and I hopefully I won't ever need them again
This is not just a closet clean out
This is saying goodbye to anorexia
It's making a commitment to gain weight and maintain it
It's an action that says 'I'm moving on and I'm leaving my ED behind me'
I guess it's symbolic
Symbolic of saying goodbye to my anorexic self
I don't need to tell you how hard this is
So during the week I began the 'purge' of my 'anorexic clothes'
My mother was close by for moral support
To be honest a lot of the stuff was clothes that I just didn't wear any more regardless of the size
I filled 2 black bags
I have to admit though I kept my favourite anorexic clothes
My reason being that I need them for the moment
I found the blue jeans that I am wearing in the photos below, in a shop in France a few years ago
I was 80lbs and I was overjoyed to find a lovely pair of jeans that actually fit me
I love them
They are by far my favourite jeans
Throwing them out is proving very difficult
I've had to think about how I'm going to handle my clothes situation when in treatment
I don't want to bring a selection of clothes in different sizes
So what I've decided to do is bring is the clothes that fit me right now
Leave clothes that will fit me at home
And my mother can bring them in as I need them and take the clothes that are too small home with her
It's the easiest way I think
Mary suggested that because I am on a limited income that I ask my parents for help buying some new clothes
Financially I mean
I think that is a stroke of genius, he he!
So this morning my mother and I hit the shops
I live near a surfing town so there are a few really cool surf shops with funky hoodies
I have jeans in every size known to man so I don't need any new ones
So today my mission was to buy a couple of hoodies
I am a hoody, jeans and trainers girl
I guess the look is kind of surfy but I am by no means a surfer
We concentrated on one shop as that is all I could really handle
Within a couple of minutes of being in the shop I found 4 hoodies that I really liked
I tried them all on and it wasn't as traumatic as I was anticipating
The smallest size was too big for me that's good as I can grow in to them
I narrowed my choice down to 2 and I was really happy with them
I also bought a little hat
All in all it was a positive experience and I am so grateful to my mother for helping me out
These things are stressful and my mother is a great support
This is another step in embracing recovery
Weight gain has always been my down fall but now I feel ready
I feel ready for treatment
I feel ready to fight hard
I feel so ready to leave this illness behind me and live my life
Bring it on weight gain!
So here are my new threads
I'd love to know what you think?
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| Blue fleecy hoody, Roxy and favourite blue jeans |
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| Navy hoody with flowers |
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| To keep my little head warm |
I love the hoodies Ruby... yay, I am so happy you will be on your way to saying good by to Ana... You will have ups and downs but don't give up, you are so worth it, love yourself enough to make the changes even though they will be difficult :)
ReplyDeleteThank you Launna, as always your comments brighten up my day x
DeleteCutie. :) I especially love the hat. Getting rid of stuff, and taking those first steps is so so hard for me, so I think you're brave and awesome!
ReplyDeleteI love the hat too, I can't wait to wear it
DeleteI don't know about that but thank you x
YES! Adios, anorexia. Goodbye, good riddance. Do not come back ever!
ReplyDeleteHere's to a healthy weight, a new wardrobe, and a new Ruby :-)
Cheers!! x
Deletewhen are you going in? xxx
ReplyDeleteI don't know yet sweetie
DeleteMy assessment is Wednesday and I'll know more then
I just hope and pray that it does happen because I don't have a plan B x
Yay! Go Ruby! This is such a huge step, I'm so proud of you. I love your new hoodies, and the hat is very cute.
ReplyDelete*hugs* Love you dear xx
Thanks you Bella
DeleteLove you too x
Aw, so cute! I'm glad you had a clothes purge. Now you won't have them as reminders of what Ed wants you to be.
ReplyDeleteExactly Emily, good riddance I say! x
Deleteclothes purges are great. And most of the time...for like, tops, dresses, etc, your clothes still fit in a variety of weights. A small can fit you now, and it can fit you in 10-15 pounds. It all depends how you like them to fit and look on you. Cute hoodies btw. <3
ReplyDeleteThanks lovely x
DeleteI can't imagine how frightening that must have been, but congratulations for making it through. We all believe in you Xo
ReplyDeleteThanks Piggy, I appreciate it x
DeleteHey Hun, letting go of clothes can be so hard, they hold memories and memories of perhaps a time that seemed happy, even if it wasn't really. Very scary to shed an old version of yourself in favour of a new one but so,pleased you did it! I think your attitude is right, take the steps you need when you need to, no need to worry about it now! I love the new clothes very sweet! Xxx
ReplyDeleteIt's funny isn't it?
DeleteI am so attached to these bloody blue jeans
Maybe because they bring back memories of a lovely holiday
Maybe because I feel so comfortable in them
To be honest I can't imagine throwing them away
At least not yet
Hope you're doing ok x
Whilst I know you're not 'into' comments about your appearance, I just had to tell you that a/ blue is such a good colour on you - it compliments the blond hair perfectly! and b/ the (fairly) recent haircut frames your face beautifully and the sweep of your hair compliments your cheekbones! Sorry if talking about your appearance made you uncomfortable there, but I'm very much a straight forward and honest person. If I think something looks nice, I say so. So there!!! Lol! x
ReplyDeleteHe he! It's true, I am so bad at taking comments about my appearance
DeleteWhether they're good or bad
But thank you, I know your comment is coming from a good place
'So there' lol, I love it!! x
It's always hard to biff a favourite piece of clothing, no matter how big/small it has gotten or how utterly trashed it is. (I abuse the living FUCK out of my clothes) Damn, good on you! I try to go through my drawers every year or two and send stuff that hasn't been worn in 6 months to Freeshop.
ReplyDeleteYou MUST come Op-Shopping for clothes with me! Savemart is the shit and there is this new place called Toffs. . . GAH GET YOUR ARSE DOWN HERE!!!1!
Wow, I've been thinking of hoodie shopping lately too. I only ever own one at a time (Weird, i know) and my current one was found on a park bench. It's getting a bit past it :( Have been thinking of making this because hood and I'm too lazy to do sleeves
http://www.ravelry.com/patterns/library/lazy-weekend-sweater
That fluffy hoodie is SO your colour. It makes your hair and skin look al gold and pretty ^.^ I love how you put the beanie and the flower hoodie together. PURE WIN. Omg can I knot you one of those weird hat-with-scarf-that-is-gloves thing? One of these:
http://www.ravelry.com/patterns/library/scenester-scarf-hat
Except I wouldn't make it from Alpaca yarn because that means fussy washing stuff and who has time for that?!?
Kaye got pissed with her pregnancy puku meaning she had to steal her hubbies' pants, until she realised she got to go bra shopping for ALL NEW PRETTY UNDIES!!11 (That was a hilarious day, she was actually DANCING around the flat. I thought she'd gone mad) So, weight gain=brain works better AND you get to go jeans shopping? FUCKING WIN-WIN! ^.^ The style of your france-jeans was really popular here a few years ago, there are bound to be some like them at Savemart (I found brand new cargo pants there once, original tags on and everything!) and if not, get something similar and we can dye them to suit. (That's what the workshop is for!)
I hope that BitchyMcBitchface Ed shuts the fuck up. You're too awesome to die like that. You're made of pure win and I love you to bits.
Sending a billion hugs from the bottom of the world <3
My problem is that I have a set of clothes in every size known to man
DeleteMy weight fluctuates so damn much that I do need them
Hopefully when my weight settles at it's set point that will right itself
Yes, I totally want to go shopping with you
Is New Zealand as expensive as Australia?
Oh my God I so need new undies
Not pants but bras
I literally have no idea what bra size I am and I wear sports bras and boob tubes and because I have little or no boobs
Love you so much Peri
Sending hugs right back atcha x
Yeah, that's the problem with Ed stuff. I can't biff my super-fat jeans in case I need them again *Headdesk* I tend to over-eat, rather than under and I can't convince myself I won't go binge my tits off again and that I won't let myself lose the muscle I've worked to get in order to wear tiny things. (Squats have given me a KILLER booty!)
DeleteWe may be a bit more expensive overall because we're that much farther away, but I know the good Op-Shops where you can get an entire wardrobe for $40 and the Warehouse+Kmart are fantastic for general bits. We can also raid Freeshop ^.^
Ooooh I'm jealous! Smaller boobs=ALL THE PRETTY BRAS. It's a bitch to find pretty bras in my size, and soprts bras cost an arm, a leg and the kidney of your firstborn :( the Warehouse has amazing cheap pretty bra lines. We also have a Bendon factory outlet here in Dunners now ^.^
You haven't abandoned me, you've said that Ed is riding your ass hard so I figure myself lucky that you're still finding time to post! I've been trying to get time off for November and NaNoWriMo but it's not going to well. (I've got a vlog to upload about it) I just realised that my mood seems to go to shit (faster with extra stress) every 6months or so, and this is about the right time. Going to have to be SuperHonest McWhupass with Kerys this week. Her assumptions are driving me bonkers.
I'll try to email you tonight. Kick me if I don't, ok? I fail at email -.-;
Love and hugs to you Ruby <3
Hi Ruby,
ReplyDeleteI've been following your blog for a while but I've always been too shy to comment. I'd just like to say that you're so brave for deciding to go into treatment - even the thought of weight gain makes me panic inside, and I think that what you're doing takes real guts.
I remember a while ago you were thinking of changing the name of your blog, and I wondered if you had thought of 'And then she reappeared'? I think it sums you up quite well :)
Hey there,
DeleteAwk thank you for such sweet words, they mean a lot
I appreciate you commenting and reading, it means so much to me that people can relate
And thank you for reaching out, I know it's hard
Yes, I am thinking of changing my blog title
I have a few names in the running but and then she reappeared really is great
Please feel free to email me if you ever need to chat, I'll always reply
Take care x
This is something that is almost always on my mind, and I know it is a major factor in holding me back from recovery. Yet I keep finding myself buying only the clothes that will fit me now, it is as if I can't get any bigger because these are the clothes that I have, and something stops me from allowing myself to get any bigger than Age ** in the children's section.
ReplyDeleteI am so so so proud of what you've done here Ruby, and I love how you have a plan for the transition into bigger clothes - getting your mum to bring new ones in, like a lovely present, and taking away the older ones, so you're not the one getting rid of them. I think that's a really good plan, causing as little stress for you as possible.
I love your navy hoody with flowers! You have great taste! And I'm sure it'll be perfect for the upcoming cold winter months!
Another inspirational post!
Much love
X