Once upon a time..................

Once upon a time there was a girl called Ruby
To the outside world she had everything
A nice home
A loving family
Lots of friends
Good grades
She had big dreams to make it out of her small town
She wanted to be a dancer and she studied ballet and jazz
Dancing was all she really cared about
But behind the thin veil of her perfect life, cracks were beginning to appear
Addiction was in home and it effected everyone
She longed for the day when she could turn 18 and leave the tense atmosphere of her house for good and leave all her problems behind her

Ruby had always been a good girl
At home and at school
She never rocked the boat
She was a people pleaser
Eager for people to like and accept her
She just wanted to be loved
But as she grew in to a teenager, she began to unravel
She was tired of being good
Of always doing the right thing
She wanted to break free and have some fun

Ruby made new friends in school
She changed her attitude in to 'I don't give a shit about anything'
But underneath she still just wanted to be accepted
She took up smoking and got drunk for the first time at age 14
She loved the fact that she could escape reality and chased that high again and again
Somehow she managed to make it through school
The last day of school she walked out the school gates anticipating a feeling of freedom but all she felt was lost

As all her friends went to college, Ruby took the first job that came her way
She became involved with a boy who had a bad reputation
Together they dragged each other down
At age 18 Ruby and her boyfriend became addicted to heroin
Her parents also separated around this time
It seemed that her whole world was crumbling but instead of trying to deal with it, she ran in the opposite direction

Heroin addiction brought Ruby to her knees
She was in way over her head
She didn't know it at the time but she was also developing an eating disorder
When she was using she used to stay at her boyfriends house
It was a doss house for junkies
Once a week Ruby would go home and recharge her batteries
Having not eaten for days, felt completely overwhelmed when she opened the door of the fridge and it was packed with food
She felt massively guilty because she knew that there was no food in her boyfriend's house
She also felt greedy for eating the food
To this day she still feels those feelings when eating

Ruby's weight plummeted but she thought she was skinny because of the drugs
She had no clue that she was in the grip of anorexia
Ruby's parents arranged for her to do a detox in a hospital in Dublin
She was 19
Noticing that she wasn't eating, one of the nurses sat her down one day and told her that she had anorexia but Ruby was in massive denial
She just couldn't get her head around it
It was too much to take in
Even though she was eating next to nothing
Even though she was hiding food
Even though she weighed the same as a child
She just couldn't accept it

For the next few years Ruby continued to use
Her life was a total mess physically and mentally
On the eve of her 23rd birthday she went in to drug treatment
Again the subject of anorexia came up
There was another girl there who had anorexia/bulimia and Ruby could relate to her so much
It came to a point where she could no longer deny the fact that she was ill
This girl helped her muster up the courage to be honest
Ruby spent 6 months in treatment and gradually gained weight until she was at a healthy weight
But all was not well
She had switched from anorexia to bulimia and no one knew
She left treatment with another set of problems

Now that Ruby had been given the diagnosis of anorexic, she felt that she had to live up to the title
Up until this point she didn't weigh herself
But the numbers on the scale seemed important to the doctors so they became important to her
She was in and out of hospital and treatment
She was put on meds
One of which was to help her gain weight
And gain weight she did
Over a few months she went from being severely underweight to almost over weight (debatable)
Everyone presumed that because she looked ok she must be ok
But nothing had changed, only her weight
She was still completely eating disordered
She was still purging
She was still anxious and depressed

It took one comment about her weight to send her spinning in to a relapse
She lost weight rapidly
She felt in control again
But along with the weight she felt like she was losing her mind
Her mental state was fragile
Her health was beginning to fail
She restricted so much that binging was inevitable
The binging and purging got worse and worse
On a bad day she was purging 10 - 12 times a day
She began to shoplift food
She felt no different than when she was addicted to drugs
Same shit different substance

This way of life was taking it's toll
 She bounced from extreme highs to extreme lows
She craved evenness and steadiness
Balance
She was so tired being this way
And her life was slipping through her fingers
She had to do something
So she rang the treatment centre and was given an appointment
She hopes to go in to treatment
She has to before it's too late

This story is ongoing so I don't know how it ends
Ideally I would go to treatment and come out brand spanking new
Fixed
Healthy
In a great frame of mind
With a body I loved and accepted
My relationships with my family would be saved
They would be so proud of me for turning my life around
I would come home and start again
I would go food shopping once a week
I wouldn't restrict and I'd eat 3 healthy meals a day without purging
I would pull my weight at home and manage my money properly
I would get back in contact with my friends and have an active social life
I would start attending meetings again and get a sponsor
I'd take care of myself and take pride in my appearance
I'd exercise but not to excess
I'd volunteer at the local animal shelter and maybe foster dogs
I'd go back to school to study something that I love
I'd help other addicts and eating disordered people
I'd be happy in my own skin
Happy with my life
Happy to be me

Of course in reality I know it won't quite be like that
Nothing ever runs as smoothly as that
I have to realistic
Slips and relapse are part and parcel of recovery
I accept that
I just have to be not so hard on myself if I don't do everything perfectly
Recovery isn't about being perfect
It's about doing your best to do the right thing
It's about standing up to your eating disorder and taking your life back
It's about trying
Recovery is not the destination
It's all about the journey

I know that this will the most difficult thing that I will ever do
There are so many things to deal with
Weight restoration
Body image
Rebuilding confidence and self esteem
Learning to accept a new body
Learning new coping skills
So many hurdles to overcome
But I am ready
I am so ready


I have to admit that I am kind of excited about starting a new life
About possibilities
About taking back my life
Being responsible
Anything could happen
Who knows what doors will open and what opportunities will come my way

So my story may not have a happily ever after that that's ok
I will settle for 'And then she lived the rest of her life as best she could'
That's my happily ever after

Do you believe in happily ever after?