I was totally unprepared for the call and was actually asleep when my mother answered the phone
She knocked on my door and said 'Imelda is on the phone'
I stumbled up to the phone wondering who the hell Imelda was and it wasn't until I heard her voice that I realised who it was
She had received my referral letters and was ringing to ask me some questions
I explained my situation as best I could
No need for sugar coating the truth anymore
It gets me no where
She asked me if I had any concerns about going in
I was honest and said I was nervous to see the 2 nurses that I had trouble with on my last admission
As luck would have it neither of them are working on that ward at the moment
Imelda said that they had concerns about my drowsiness
And I was very drowsy on my last couple of admissions
I struggled to stay awake during groups and it seemed every time I sat down I fell asleep
My methadone has been reduced since then so hopefully that won't be an issue this time
I asked her if there is a waiting list and there isn't
The programme isn't full
There are 5 girls in at the moment
I wanted to ask more questions like what ages are the girls and what ED do they have but I didn't
She offered me an assessment this week but I said I needed more time
She suggested next Wednesday so I agreed to that
This is all good news
This is what I want
But all of a sudden it's all real
It's actually happening and it's happening so fast
It's scary
The reality of the situation is only hitting me now
Talking about treatment and recovery is easy
But taking action is another story
I want to go to treatment
I do
I guess I know what's ahead of me and I know it's not going to be a walk in the park
The only thing scarier than going to treatment is doing nothing
Carrying on like this indefinitely is a horrible thought
I suppose I thought this would all take a longer
I was hoping to go in before Christmas but I didn't anticipate it being this soon
But this is good
Isn't it?
As well as myself going to treatment my family are also going in to treatment in a way
Family is quite involved in the process
There are weekly groups for concerned family and friends
And also family therapy
We live 3 hours away from the centre so it's a big commitment
Plus I have to arrange care for my dogs which as you can imagine causes me a bit of stress
My Mum and Dad will spilt care and when they need to travel to Dublin the dogs will go to the kennels
The kennels I use are amazing
They know my situation and really are great
And the dogs actually like going there so that eases my mind
This is my last chance in this particular centre
So I do feel a bit of pressure to make it work
As I have often said, time isn't on my side any more
I'm not 19 anymore
If this doesn't work, I don't know where to go or what to do
But I'll cross that bridge when if I come to it
One thing is for sure
I can't carry on this way
My sanity
My health
And my wallet sure can't take much more
But today I just feel like getting in to bed and sleeping and forgetting this whole sorry mess
If there was an off button in my head I would gladly switch it off
I just want to be home and well
I want to fast forward 6 months and have treatment behind me
I just want to be free of this thing
Stop the world I want to get off!!!
This is all good. You can do this!
ReplyDeleteI hope so JJ x
DeleteHey Ruby, I hope you're feeling ok. Can you ring Imelda back and ask for an assessment this week? I ask because postponing it may just give you more time to fret about it, to allow ed to come up with a million and one reasons not to go, to cause more stress than necessary. So why not 'just do it'? Everything sounds like it's in place with your family (parents and animals), your purse would appreciate it and I think ultimately you will too. You CAN do this Ruby, you really really can. Cxx
ReplyDeleteIn hindsight maybe I should have taken the appointment this week but it's too late to change it now
DeleteI will definitely go though, don't worry about that
Thanks for the vote of confidence x
wow, can't believe there's no waiting list, that's got to be rare! hope you decide to do whatever you think will work to help xx
ReplyDeleteWow, that's come around quickly. I can imagine why you'd be shocked by no waiting list. Maybe you can ask more about the other patients at your assessment. It's great that they involve the family so heavily; my family were never offered anything.
ReplyDelete"Change happens when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change." - Tony Robbins
Love you Ruby dear. You can do this *hugs* <3 xx
That's good Ruby!
ReplyDeleteOmg, that's amazing that they don't have a list at all... good for you because waiting sucks and gives all the time in the world to back out of it.
Good luck Ruby! <3
Three hours away is a big commitment. I know my son is that far away and it is hard to get out to see him. Good luck.
ReplyDeleteDon't let Ed tell you to back out. You made the right choice in taking a little time to prepare, but use it to prepare, not to scare yourself. Treatment will be good. It will not harm you, it will only help.
ReplyDeleteI know it's scary, but your ED is scarier, and you have to deal with it every day. You can do this.
I am happy that there is not a waiting list, I know it feels all of a sudden... I remember when I wanted to change my life, it all happened in one week and the first week I was thinking what did I get myself into... but it has turned out pretty good... not easy but good... :)
ReplyDeleteRuby, everything is falling in to place fast for a reason. You are ment to go in and get this treatment. It is time for honesty like you said, no sugar coating.
ReplyDeleteThink about the past year. Everytime you worried how an event that took you out of your comfort zone would go, you looked back and said the worst part was your anxiety. This is the hard uncomfortable feeling you have now. And that's okay. But you know you can do this. Everything has lined up for you, its like a gaint arrow is pointing to the hospital. I know you can do it Ruby!
OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG when things happen they happen FAST!
ReplyDeleteBloody HELL!
Love love love you <3
Honey, I'm SO glad you have found the strength inside yourself to go through with this... This is obviously meant to be!
ReplyDeleteI love you. Sorry I've been so shit x
Oh... not to end on a negative note... but I notice in this pic of you, you look sicker, less vibrant and more gaunt =/ have you lost? If not, it could just be the toll the whole process is taking on you x I think you're beautiful, either way.. I love you lots Rubykins
ReplyDeleteLovely Ruby, I am so sorry for practically disappearing. I guess things are tough for the both of us, and it breaks my heart for you, knowing what the pain is you're going through.
ReplyDeleteI am so proud of you, and the strength it must have taken for you to take action against this beast that is destroying your life. You deserve this chance, you deserve a life of your own without ED. You're right, it's so easy to talk about recovery, but you've taken that one step further and taken action. Yeah it is going to be scary as hell. But isn't that the whole point - to face your fears and work through them so they'll no longer be fearsome anymore? And I believe you can do this Ruby. I believe in you so much.
Try not to think 'if this doesn't work' - stay positive, and this outcome is far less likely to happen. If you want to get better, and it really sounds like you mean everything you say, it'll work out for you, because you'll put the work in that you need to come out the other side. Maybe you could think 'when this works'...I can travel the world/have a good life/publish my book/take my dogs on holiday or whatever you want to do. The world is your oyster Ruby, you just have to get through these next few months. And I'll always be here for you, to help you through the tough times.
Much love as always X