My assessment is tomorrow
I am beyond anxious
I will travel to Dublin tomorrow morning with my Dad and my assessment is at half two in the afternoon
Walking back in to that hospital will be so difficult
Seeing old faces
Memories flooding back
Seeing the corridors I walked down
The rooms I sat in
The places I went to cry
The grounds I walked every day
It will be so strange
Technically it is a psychiatric hospital but it really is a lovely place
It doesn't really have a hospital feel
It has beautiful grounds
A huge coffee shop where everyone meets
2 restaurants
And the ward where I will be is quite nice too
The ED patients stay on this ward but these are also other patients on the ward too
I like that because it means that there is always other people to talk to
When you first go in you are put in a double room near to the nurses station sharing with someone else
But as you get settled you are moved to the corridor to a room of your own
And the rooms are lovely
They are big so it's like having your own little apartment with your own bathroom and you can bring in anything you like to make it cosy
So much happened during my last 3 admissions
The first time I was there I was with another girl when she got the call that her family had been murdered
I still remember her howling
People harm themselves
Try to kill themselves
Some succeed
But I also have some fond memories of being in there
I met the most amazing people
It's strange
I have never felt so comfortable in my own skin as I did when I was in that hospital
Strange but true
I have to admit I feel embarrassed walking in tomorrow at this weight
Although I have no ides what my weight is I feel huge
I'm afraid that I will laughed out of there
And being weighed tomorrow will be pretty traumatic
I have to keep reminding myself that it is not about what I weigh
It's about my behaviours
And my behaviours are off the freakin' wall
It is not yet lunch time and I have already been to the shops to buy (shoplift) binge food
My Dad came down this morning and he told me that I am out of control
And I am
I can't stop binging and purging
I literally can't stop
It is driving me insane
The never ending march from the kitchen to the bathroom
I have a path worn
I asked my father if being like this is similar to when I was using and which was worse
He couldn't answer
He said that they are similar but also different
It's obvious that he finds it really difficult to witness my behaviour
Have you ever seen the Dr Phil show called 'The worst anorexic and bulimic you will ever see'?
It aired a few years ago
It followed Amy's story
Amy was 28 at the time
She had a very serious ED and purged up to 150 times a day
She weighed 60lbs
As I watched it I thought to myself 'That girl is way worse than me'
But as I continued to watch I couldn't deny the similarities between us
She couldn't stop binging and purging and neither can I
Yes she may weigh less than me but the behaviours are the same
At one point it showed Amy talking about the contents of her fridge
She took out a huge jar of pickles and said that they are her most favourite food
I am a pickle addict
I love the sour taste and I drink the vinegar
Any also said that she is a 'huge condiment fan'
Me too
I cover my food in salt and pepper and sauce or gravy
Can't eat food without it
Mary tells me that I crave these condiments because I want my food to have as much flavour as possible
That's true I think
I have to confess that I took a double dose of my meds today
I just can't handle the anxiety and anticipation
I just want tomorrow to be over
I want it to be done
I can't think beyond tomorrow
If they say that I can come in straight away I will cross that bridge when I come it
I'll be as honest as I can
Tell the truth about he horror of my life
There's no point in hiding it anymore
No point at all
Anyway I'm off to have a little nap
Wish me luck for tomorrow
I'm going to need it......
Don't think of things in terms of failure or what if I'm not thin enough. Ultimately you're competing for who's going to die first. It's totally natural to feel nervous and anxious but remember to keep your eye on your goal. If you look down at the mess below, you'll over think. You can do this and I'm so excited to see where life takes you when you come out.
ReplyDeleteLots of love and prayers
Thanks Eve
ReplyDeleteI'm trying to stay positive
My whole life needs to change
My routine
My diet
My lifestyle
And it's all a bit overwhelming
Thank you for your well wishes, it means a lot x
Thinking of you, Ruby.
ReplyDeleteYou can do it. Best wishes, love.
Thanks Kay
DeleteBest of luck to you too, we can do this! x
I agree with Eve. So, you watch this show, you see a woman that may be shocking to look at and hear her story, but you find a lot of ways you can relate. It's not a competition of feeling as sick as you actually are. Do you think that the even more out of control behaviors are because you're finally taking that step towards helping yourself? Like, have one last bang before you go into that sort of environment? What I'd hate to see you do is to go into treatment and continue these things, meds, b/p, etc, because even if there are ways to do them, it doesn't mean you should. I know there's an insane amount of anxiety, but maybe not dig the hole deeper? I want you to know that I (and probably everyone reading this blog) am very proud of you and I hope you can take that support with you tomorrow. Be strong, love you dear.
ReplyDeleteI know it's part of the illness that I compare myself to other sick people
DeleteIt's something I need to stop doing
It's all relative
Thanks for your support lovely x
Be gentle with yourself.sending so much love.
ReplyDeleteThank you x
DeleteThinking of you!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much x
DeleteGood luck Ruby. It sounds like a nice place. I know you're scared and anxious as hell, but I'm so proud of you for taking this step.
ReplyDeleteSide note, but I'm a massive condiment fan too. I think it's fairly common with EDs. Salt, pepper, sauces, herbs & spices, though I try to use less salt these days. Whenever I cook, I always put in a lot of different seasonings to give it as much flavor as I can. Sometimes I prefer bland food, but at the moment I need flavor.
Thinking of you Ruby. Again, I'm so proud of you. Sending much love *hugs* xx
Thanks Bella
DeleteThis time tomorrow it will all be over and I'll know a bit more about when I'm going in
I'm nervous but I know it will be fine
Sending love right back atcha x
Big hugs and buckets full of good wishes for tomorrow. I will be thinking of you. You know where I am....Cxxx
ReplyDeleteThanks so much C for your well wishes
DeleteI will send you a little email soon x
I won't go to the womens health centre, for their ED group for the same reason hun... I think they'll laugh my fat ass out of there.. No matter how thin we are or aren't, WE ALL feel that way.. we're in good company.. we are our own worst enemy and if ana had her way, NONE of us would be there, because she feeds us all the same fears.. so each girl knows how we feel when someone 'new' is walking through those daunting doors..
ReplyDeleteI miss you sweetie, do you have what's app? Or facebook, or anything free messengers? I have 100 international texts a month, so if you wanna PM or email me your number, we can keep in touch more often.. VOXER is a great app too, free, kinda like a walkie talkie lol, but works internationally, too. It's fun! But, it's also great for chatting/leaving msgs. I do have liveprofile too, but don't use it often, I would use it if it meant talking to you though! ;)
I didn't get to finish reading your entry yet, bc I;m being rushed out the door, but I will when I get back.. I'm guessing internet access will be less? Do you still get your cell? Maybe at certain times or earned? I hope so!
So, I have lots of messengers, hopefully you'll have one of them! If not, I can get whatever you use =)
Love you sweetie x
Ashen x
you are strong
ReplyDeleteyou are brave
you are fighting
you are ruby
you will be in my heart xxxxxxxxxxx
Good luck Ruby, be honest and open, be the fighter I know you can be and you will get through this... I have so much faith in you girl. Thank you for befriending me... Launna xox
ReplyDeleteRuby, you are taking a big step to take back your life and I am so proud of you! Put your past behind you and focus on treatment now. Don't worry what others are thinking because most people are preety clueless. Know what you want the end result to be, talk to the staff, and together you will be able to plan your next chapter in life.
ReplyDeleteI hope you never purge 150 times a day. That's just awful, I don't even know how someone would find the time to throw up that often.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad the ward doesn't feel like a ward! It seems like it'll be a good place for you to kickstart your recovery.
Hey Hun, good luck with today, fingers crossed for you! I am a condiments fan too! Love love love Ketchup with like everything, and salty food but I hate pepper and spice, or strong flavours like coffee, weird, I know! I think Mary is bang on the money with wanting to get as much as possible from the taste. The ward sounds much more friendly than the private one I was on, although the surroundings we were in were nice, the care was awful on the whole, and we were completely separated from other wards which I think is wrong! It's so important you feel comfortable there, what a relief! Thinking of you. Xxx
ReplyDeleteHey Ruby, I can't believe I missed this entry and didn't realise you were off to get your assessment today!! I've just been so off my head with my meds I basically lost most of yesterday and only just got around to replying to your email about 10 minutes ago!! I just hope everything went as smoothly as you need it to and you've come away feeling the right amount of calmness and first resolve you want to be able to take the next step. Will keep you in my thoughts till I hear more. Take care, lots of love xx
ReplyDeleteMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP! D:
ReplyDelete*Clings tightly to your leg*
I've seen that show. I was terrified for her. I'm more terrified for you.
Ok, skipping on to the next entry now *Was late to read*
LOVE YOU