I had my assessment yesterday
I was up before the sun to leave the house at 7 30am to catch the 9am train to Dublin
My Dad came with me
We arrived in Dublin around noon and jumped in to a taxi to go straight to the hospital
Driving in to the grounds was so weird
And walking in was ever weirder
Nothing had changed
Not one thing
Suddenly it was like I had never left
It's strange to think that all this time the hospital had been up and running
For me time has stood still there
I saw faces that I recognized
Nurses that looked familiar
Patients whose face I knew but couldn't place their names
So many memories
We avoided the restaurant where all the staff would be having their lunch and decided to head to the coffee shop instead
It was eerily quite
Probably because most people were at lunch on their respective wards
The staff in the coffee shop were the same
I wondered did they recognize me
The girl who used to buy 10 chocolate bars at a time and copious cups of tea
We got tea and sandwiches and settled in a seat beside the window
I didn't particularly want the food but I ate in anyway and then straight to the bathroom to purge
At one point I saw someone I recognized walking by
She had her back to me but I was almost sure that it was a girl that was in with me during my last admission
She was painfully thin
My Dad went to pour my tea, missed the cup entirely and the scalding water landed in my lap
I yelped in pain
The as he was taking down his umbrella he inadvertently whacked me in the face with it
My nerves were shot
I still had an hour to kill so I went for a walk by myself around the grounds
Once I started I found it very hard to stop even though it was pouring rain
I remember walking there over and over again when I was a patient
I walked around 4 times then it was time to go meet Imelda
I made my way through the maze of corridors and knocked on her office door
No answer
So I sat outside to wait
Soon she arrived and greeted me with a big smile
We sat in her office and caught up a little
Then it was down to business
First she took my weight height
I didn't look
I didn't want to know
I explained my situation as best as I could
Described the last year
I was honest
There was no point in giving a censored version
We talked about how weight gain was always my stumbling block
I told her how I didn't see that I was underweight but I accepted that I had a distorted view of myself
She said that weight gain is an essential part of recovery
You can't have one without the other
Another stumbling block was the purging
I never got a handle on the purging on any of my 3 past admissions
And also my drowsiness
Imelda said that when I fell asleep in groups, she didn't know if it was my meds or that I was switching off
I think it's a combination of both I said
So those are the things that I need to get on top of
We talked for along time about my ED
I confessed to abusing enemas
And also the shoplifting
I was relieved to hear her say that shoplifting food is not uncommon for someone with an ED
She said that she was talking to someone recently who was also using this behaviour
She also said that once a girl on the programme was caught shoplifting while out on her day out
The gardai brought her back
Imelda told me that there is no waiting list
I asked her about the other patients
She said that there are 4 at the moment with a range of different EDs and weights
She explained that most of the girls in at the moment are quite young but that there is a woman in the thirties going in soon and also a woman in her forties
I was glad to hear this
Glad that there was some around my own age
I asked Imelda what my next step was
She to go home
Talk to my family
Think about if this is what I want
Read the literature she gave me and ring her on Friday to let her know if I want to proceed or not
Although she said that I seem to have made up my mind
I said I would do that and ring in Friday
I said that I almost positive that I want to go in but would need a couple of weeks to get myself togetheR
She asked why I needed 2 weeks
I couldn't actually answer her
The truth was that I wanted some time to lose more weight
I didn't say that though
She said not to leave it too long or I would end up taking myself out of it
And that's a distinct possibly
The assessment was an hour and a half long
I came out feeling very tired and drained
I hope I came across as motivated
I hope she could see how much I want this
Because I do
I really do
My Dad and I caught a taxi and headed back in to town to get the 5pm train
I slept some of the way home but then the train came to standstill in the middle of nowhere
We were there for aged and then found out that the train had hit a cow!
Very weird
We finally arrived back at 8 30pm
My Dad wanted to get a takeaway so we stopped on the way home to get chips
I got chicken nuggets and chips and 2 portions of curry sauce
Eventually we arrived home after 10pm
I haven't had chips in the longest time
They were so good
But I purged
I purged 3 more times before the night was over
At 1am I got in to bed and was out like a light
It really was the longest day
Today I feel tired
I have to ring Imelda tomorrow and my ED is in overdrive trying to sabotage my good intentions
She is panicking at the thought of me breaking free
I will ring tomorrow
And I will say yes, I want to go in
I think I will say that I want to go in the week after next
I think that's a reasonable time frame
It's scary because now it's all real
It's actually happening
Up until now I have been talking the talk
Now it's time to walk the walk
Part of me wants to run in the opposite direction and forget the whole thing
Part of me wants to swallow all my meds with a bottle of vodka
Part of me thinks that this is a really bad a idea
Part of me is just so afraid
But a bigger part of me does want this and I'm trying to hold on to that
This is a great opportunity to break free and take my life back
I am fortunate that I have the option to go to treatment
If I didn't have health insurance I would be up shit creek
Today I am taking it easy
Resting
Thinking
Preparing myself to do this
That's all I can do for now
A big thank you to all who read and comment
It means more than you know to know that all of you are behind me
Each and every one of you have been so supportive and kind
Thank you
Hi sugar, hope you're keeping well. I don't know if you're aware of the band Blue October but I'm a huge fan as they sing a lot about mental health issues which I can totally relate to. Thought I'd include a few here for you to listen to, because I thought you might relate to them too. Take care chicken xx
ReplyDeletehttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uo1nGwSp25w - The 21st
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rh6qYhF6SCs - Black Orchid
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZES3nJQYJok - Into The Ocean
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o1_0HChQ-w4 - Drop
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PGJFVHR9iE4 - Amnesia
They really are my favourite band and if you like any of this stuff, you seriously need to go check them out on YouTube as they have a back catalogue of about 9 albums, chronicling the breakdown, self medication, drug abuse, suicide attempts and subsequent mental health problems. It's not as depressing at it sounds, in fact I find it great just to hear my own thoughts echo out from my speakers or earbuds. Fingers crossed you like them, xx
Hey my lovely, I'm ok thanks, just very tired
DeleteI read your email this morning and I will reply soon
Oh yes, I will definitely check this band out
I love finding new music!
Hope you're doing ok
I'm always checking to see of you've posted x
I am so glad you reached the decision you did. I think it sounds like the right one.
ReplyDeleteYou know, it's funny. I want to tell you that I think you're being really strong and brave, but I've had so many people tell me the same thing and at least for me, it always sounded ridiculous. I don't feel strong or brave. I'm terrified, and a large part of me (my ED) is telling me that I'm so weak for giving up and getting help.
But I do honestly think that you are being strong and brave. I really do.
It is strange Kay to hear people tell me that I'm brave when I feel anything but
DeleteAnd yes, my ED would have me believe that I am weak and pathetic
Did you hear anything more about your treatment place? x
i dont really get it, why want to lose more weight when you want to go in and gain it? im confused...
ReplyDeleteand why still purge when you have already committed urself to recovery?
Just because I have decided to go to treatment it doesn't mean that I can stop purging just that like that
DeleteThat is the exact reason that I am going to treatment, so they can help me stop
If I could stop myself heck, I would have done it years ago and wouldn't need to go to treatment
As for losing weight
I think I make it pretty clear that the anorexic part of me always wants me to lose weight
I have to walk in to a hospital where I will be scrutinized by the other patients
I have said before that part of me feels I have to live up to the title of anorexic
That I have to prove myself by losing weight
Do you understand now?
By the way, are you the same 'anonymous' that comments on Angharad and Bella's blog?
you know what anon? SHUT THE FUCK UP! You are a stupid waste of space and most of all you are VERY BORING.
Delete(Excuse my language Ruby, but I needed to choose some basic code that even this anon person would be able to decipher)
He he!
DeleteThanks Loulou for defending me x
oh no im not the same, im just curious about this ed thing cause im also a victim of it myself. im wondering if there is really true recovery and if its possible. im sorry if it hurt you and i dont know what you mean by bella and arghands blog... im really sorry and its not intentional. My name is gladys by the way... im really sorry and i hope you acceoy my apology.
DeleteHi Gladys,
DeleteOk, I think there has been a misunderstanding
Two of my friends blogs have been targeted by an anonymous commenter who has been leaving nasty comments
I jumped the gun and presumed that you were also that person
I was a hurt by the comment but that's more about me than it is about you
I was so angry with the person who has been leaving the mean comments and unfortunately I blamed the wrong person
I am sorry about that
Also it is sometimes hard to read the intention behind the written word so I did feel slightly attacked by the comment
I am trying so hard and things are rough, I hope you understand
There's really no need to apologise as I now know that your question was genuine
I hope you see this reply, please let me know if you do
No hard feelings ok? x
:) Thanks for forgiving me im really sorry. I hope your friends feel better soon :)
DeleteGladys
Good luck Ruby! I can't imagine how difficult this must be for you but I hope the next few days and weeks go as smoothly as they can. I think its great that you have already identified the areas you need to work hardest on and I really hope you can focus on yourself. I think you owe that to yourself
ReplyDeleteL x
Thank L
DeleteI'm going to give it my best shot
I've nothing to lose at this point
And yes, it's high time I started looking after myself x
Hi Ruby,
ReplyDeleteThanks for continuing to write about your journey. I've been reading and feeling for you and wanting you to keep going forward with treatment. I think the thing that makes it even more real that you have courage is exactly that you keep moving forward despite the fears. If it was easy then I don't know if it would really be much courage involved.
I can totally relate to what you say to the commenter above....I mean if you could stop b/p then why would you need treatment. And the desire to lose more weight is the eating disorder....which is another reason you need treatment. It might seem contradictory but the thing is, we are complex and you have both - eating disorder thoughts AND your real truest self that wants to recover.
I imagine that it's scary to think of who you would be without the eating disorder, since it fills up so much of your life. And change and the unknown is terrifying. If you can stand the process of undoing (of the eating disorder) then I feel certain that the real you and all your beautiful potential - will emerge and you will be amazed at who you really are. I feel certain that you will discover things about yourself that you can't imagine right now...good things. I believe you will find something that you love to do and something that you can contribute to others that will fill your soul with a sense of purpose and satisfaction you can't imagine.
This is not to make you feel anxious that you have to "perform" or get perfect or fulfill some huge agenda. Please don't take it that way.
I just think this can happen because it is a natural part of being human, a potential that can sprout and grow if we find out how to give that seed the right conditions. Recovery would be the beginning of that process. Though it will be hard...as you know.
Blessings to you.
PS I don't know what the need is for putting off going straight into treatment instead of waiting for a couple of weeks. I sounds like there is room for you there NOW. But it does put you at greater risk to wait. Is it the eating disorder speaking? Can you compromise and just go a little sooner?
Hey Gel,
DeleteSo lovely to hear from you!
I'm afraid I have abandoned my WP blog again
It's just too confusing trying to maintain 2 blogs
Yes, in my heart I know that the only reason I need 2 weeks is to have the 'last supper' or maybe the last binge in my case
I know that the right and sensible thing to do is to go in ASAP
I guess this is the first of a lot of difficult decisions I have to make
And my ED is always there trying sabotage me
Yes, I will give my address for sure
I would just love to hear from you
Hope all is well in your world x
PS
ReplyDeleteDon't forget to give me your address where I can send you something.
:-)
I think you know that you feeling you need more time is a sign of just how much you need to go into treatment. You need this, Ruby, and if I could see you in person I would do everything I can to make you go in.
ReplyDeleteAlso, please leave us an address to send cards! :D
I will of course Emily give you my address as soon as I get an admission date x
DeleteI can only imagine how difficult and exhausting yesterday must have been. Good for you for following thru and being honest with yourself and Imelda. I pray that you continue to have the strength to fight and do what is truly best for you.
ReplyDeleteI too would love an addy to send you something.
It was like a neverending day JJ but I got through it and now the ball is rolling so that's good
DeleteYes, I will surely give you my address
Hope all is well with you x
Good luck Ruby. It sounds like the assessment went well. I think waiting a week is reasonable, especially when it's such a big change and commitment, but I do worry about what your behaviors will be like between now and admission.
ReplyDeleteLove you dear. I'm so proud of you xx
Thanks Bells
DeleteYes I am ringing Imelda tomorrow so I think I will tell I can go in Monday week instead of 2 week
Love you too x
Bella is so right! great, Ruby!!! so proud of you! emailed you!!!
DeleteI read this on the way home, I think you are making a great decision... don't let Ana talk you out of it, you are incredible Ruby... I know from past experience that sometimes it takes a few tries... I am succeeding with what I need to, you will too :) xox
ReplyDeleteYou are an inspiration Launna and thank you for your continued support
DeleteIt means so much to me x
As much as it sucks gaining wt is very important. Your mind can not function properly while at this wt. I have read several studies on this and they basically say that you must stabilize the body first and then you will have the ability to fully work on the behaviors and compulsions. Maybe instead of focusing on the number on the scale you can ask the staff do other goals. Getting your blood work in a healthy range, decreasing the number of times you staff up and get dizzy, things like that. Good luck Ruby, you are stronger than your ED.
ReplyDeleteI was talking about this with Imelda Josie
DeleteHow I've tried every which way to recover without gaining weight and it just can't be done
I can't have one without the other
Now I just have to accept this x
Damn, that was an awful way to start things off! >.< Remind me to stay the fuck away from yoru family members when they're nervous and have teapots/umbrellas in hand D:
ReplyDeleteI am so glad you were honest and you know what your stumbling blocks are. Yup, you're going to need to gain because you need to rebuild your internal organs AND get your brain working again. Right now some of the food-obsession will be a biological reaction to starving to death.
A cow? Holy shit. Holey cow? :p I guess that's one way to make hamburgers. . .
Fuck Ed. Fuck Ed. Fuck staying it's bitch. Fuck spending all day in the kitchen or bending over a loo. Imma teach you how to knit or crochet and we're going to go ride some horses and I'm going to ask stupid questions and you're going to make me try to say difficult irish stuff and laugh yourself silly.
Deal?
You wouldn't be human if you weren't pissing yourself at the thought of this. It's TERRIFYING. You are so fucking brave. I wet myself just going up to visit Jaq when she's IP. I just. . . you are awesome. I'm scared and excited for you.
Love you so much. Sending you a billion hugs and tons of love from the bottom of the world. Look after yourself as much as you can <3 <3 <3