Before I got my teeth done yesterday
I saw Mary
It was another long and challenging session
I am always tempted to cancel
But I went
First of all I was honest with her
And told her that I was finding it difficult to come to therapy
She asked why
I told her I didn't want to have to deal with my issues
I was quite happy being a veritable duck
Calm on serene on the outside
But panicking beneath the surface
Mary asked me identify the things that I was avoiding
That was easy
I know that the thing I should talk about
Is the one thing I don't want to talk about
I identified sleep
Food
And relationships with others
My sleep is a disaster
My food is a bigger disaster
And having issues with my friend is causing me no end of stress
I told Mary that I think this is as well as I am going to get
That I could probably go no further than this in my recovery
She disputed this
She asked me if 6 months ago I would have thought that I could get here
I said no
So she said that I can go further
I can achieve full recovery
I am not sure about this
I'm not sure if I have more in me
Maybe this is as good as it gets for me?
I don't know
I told Mary about saving Honey
She asked me if I could have done that 6 months ago
The honest answer is that I couldn't
I wouldn't have had t he strength
Or the where with all to do that
It's a scary thought
And it shows me how far I have come
I've always thought of recovery from an eating disorder or addiction to that of taming a wild animal
You can train it
You can manage it
But there always the possibility that it will bite you
So I guess that is the ultimate question for us eating disordered folk
So de we ever fully recover?
I know quite a few people with EDs in real life
Some are still very much struggling
Some are doing ok
And some are doing really well
I guess recovery is different for everyone
It means something different to every recovering person
For me getting my teeth done was a huge mile stone
A major part of recovery
I'm sure that wouldn't be the same for everyone
So what does recovery mean to me?
Well it means that I am as well as I can possibly be at any given time
It means that I don't hate myself any more
And am even starting to like myself
It means that I stop punishing myself
And forgive myself
It means that food is not a mine field
I eat regularly
And purging is kept to a minimum
It means that I am not obsessed with weight and shape
I don't weigh myself all the time
It means that I don't measure my worth is pounds and ounces
That I have peace of mind
It means that I am able to handle life's challenges with resorting to destructive behaviours
It means that I don't shop lift
That I do the right thing even when no one is watching
Recovery means that I live life
Not just exist in this half life
It means that I can do the things that I want to do
And anxiety and depression don't rule me
Recovery means that I have a small circle of close friends
It means that I am comfortable in my own skin
That I can go anywhere in the world and be happy to be me
It means not worrying my family
Taking care of myself
Physically
Mentally
And spiritually
It means waking up in the morning and looking forward to the day
It means knowing that I am a worth while person
That I know that I deserve recovery
And happiness
And most importantly it means wanting to live
I was wondering about you
Do you think that we ever fully recover?
What does recovery mean to you?
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ReplyDeleteThat "disorders" of whatever kind are not on my mind 24/7 (that included not reading too much about other peoples disorders online), or better not on my mind at all, life is difficult enough as it is!
ReplyDeleteNot to be defined by a label but by my personality and achievements, being able to let the past be the past, being able to separate from "toxic" people, who do not really want someone to get better because they do not want to be alone in their misery which is often and sadly all they have.
(I also witnessed this on countless heartbreaking blogs! And I found it especially heartbreaking that the suffering and disorders or simple their endless hopeless attempts to lose weight seems ALL they have, I felt better after I stayed away from them, sry)
Being healthy and able to see and appreciate it. Living. Growing. Fighting. Happiness. The blissful ecstatic happiness life alone can induce, by love, art, beauty, music. Better than anything (artificial) else.
*hugs*
you are a supergirl to me. And i think that was a very clever thing of Mary to ask you if you could have done that 6 months ago, no, you didn't. And you never thought you would be able to! We never know what’s around the corner, Ruby. It might the miracle we would definitely miss when we gave up!
xxxxx
Wow this was very inspiering. My idea of recovery is very similiar to yours.
ReplyDelete"That I can go anywhere in the world and be happy to be me"
This is it to me too. I want to travel, I'd like to see the whole world. How could I visit all these countries as a volunteer, when I haven't got the straight to stand? When I can't eat the food they have?
You should be so fucking proud of yourself. Someone who never had an eating disorder could never imagine how great your progress really is.
Your teeth look wonderful now, YOU look wonderful.
Don't stop here! Go on, I'm so proud of you!
Lea
I'm sure you can recover further, if not fully. Believe in yourself sweetie.
ReplyDeleteYou deserve all the happiness in the world, Ruby.
I don't have an ED but I would say that it's very hard to fully recover - then again it depends on the meaning of that.
Recovery means a better life, one that you are satisfied with, I guess. There are still ups and downs but there is happiness.