Thursday, 11 September 2014

Looking Up

The last couple of days have been pretty tough
My weight was really getting me down
I didn't really let on to my family how much it was effecting me
But it really was
I just wanted to crawl in to my bed
And not get up until I had lost half my body weight
I got up every morning
Trying to find something to wear that I felt comfortable in
Feeling my clothes get tighter and tighter was driving me beserk
I felt like I was a raging anorectic
In the body of an obese person
I felt like screaming my head off
And because I was feeling so shit
I wanted to escape
So I did what I do best and over used my meds
I even thought about overdosing
That's how messed up my thinking had become
I just wanted out
Off this earth
And out of this body

Then this morning I got two lovely emails
With such kind words
Such caring and loving wishes
And something shifted in me
I suddenly realized that people are not worried about the size of my body
They only care about the size of my heart
They don't mind about how much I weigh
They are just happy that I am here
Happy and healthy
I suddenly realized that my whole family must be so relieved that I finally seem to be getting well
Nobody is looking at me and judging me
I am the only one who is doing that
I need to give myself a break
I am in the process of recovery
And this is all very normal
I just need to be gentle with myself
Look after myself
I am in a vulnerable place
It's a crucial time for me
It's either keep moving forward or
Or lie down and hold up my white flag
And I'm not prepared to give in
It's not my style

I am struggling still
There is no point in denying that
But I am still moving forward
Still fighting
Still hoping and wishing for a better life
I believe it is possible
I believe that I can overcome all these hurdles
And conquer my demons
That's all I can do

In an effort to feel a bit better about myself
I went to my favourite surf shop today
And tried on some chinos
I bought these maroon ones
I am pretty pleased with them

Said maroon trousers
Thank you as always, for all your messages, comments and emails
They mean more to me than you will ever know
From a tired, confused, but hopeful Ruby x
With love from at

12 comments:

  1. cursum perficio11 September 2014 at 11:21

    Oh sweet Ruby, we just want you to be happy. Don't beat up on yourself.

    ReplyDelete
  2. TheWriterNamedA11 September 2014 at 13:05

    An also tired A* on this side
    I hope, really with all my heart, that you will be able to feel all the love from your family and friends. And that nobody cares what you look like, everybody likes you because you are Ruby.

    I consider you a friend. And I am not a people person, but I like you.

    (L) from the Netherlands

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ruby Tuesday12 September 2014 at 00:46

      Awh I am so glad
      Because I consider you a friend too
      A good friend
      The kind that is rare and should be cherished x

      Delete
  3. Lilly11 September 2014 at 14:14

    You have got such a lovely style hun! And you have the most amazing heart!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Sweetands0ur11 September 2014 at 14:43

    You're an amazingly strong woman! This post is very inspiring.. thank you.
    Keep fighting!
    xoxo <3

    ReplyDelete
  5. Sarah11 September 2014 at 15:52

    Hi Ruby! It's Sarah from the emails! Just wanted to say I love your outfit! It looks super cute! A little retail therapy is always a good idea!
    Xoxoxo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ruby Tuesday12 September 2014 at 00:48

      Thank you Sarah
      And for your emails of support

      I agree 100%
      Sometimes retail therapy is the best therapy x

      Delete
  6. Unknown11 September 2014 at 22:10

    Love your new pants - maroon is the best color!! I have like 10 separate articles of clothing in maroon LOL!

    Also, I wanted to say that I totally LOVE that you wrote the thing about how you're the only one judging you for your weight. When I first started noticing body changes from the pregnancy, I was a total wreck. I mean.. crying for hours at a time. And the days were so hard. But then finally I had this thought: "who else cares about that?" The answer was NOBODY! None of my friends were looking at me and going, "oh you look different..." or "you gained weight." Nope, not one friend. Not my husband either, nor my parents, nor my sisters, nor my dogs, nor my YouTube friends or blog friends! Nobody but ME cared about that. So why did I even care so much? I had (have!) all the support a girl could ever ask for. That helped a little bit. Now when I get terrible anxiety about it, because let's face it, the changes are VERY obvious now, I just remind myself that nobody is judging me except me. :) Same goes for you. Nobody is judging you except you, like you said. Keep on keeping on! You are so inspiring. xo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ruby Tuesday12 September 2014 at 00:50

      I am only just starting to realize that Kate
      And I am so glad that you are too
      We are our own worst critics
      No on else is thinking about what we look like
      The love us not our weight

      Keep hanging in there girl x

      Delete

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