Progress Report

I got a letter in the mail this week
It was from the hospital I was in earlier this year
A survey to fill in now that 6 months have passed
I was surprised that it has been 6 months already
In some ways it feels like I have just left hospital
But in others it feels like forever since I left
I was in hospital twice in the last year
It didn't work
It never does
I seem to get worse in hospital
If that is possible
I become sneaky  and devious
I lie and lie
And manipulate
And deceive
Trying to stay one step ahead of the staff
Trying to find the exact moment when I can sneak to the bathroom to purge
Then lying about it
It's exhausting
Draining
It's a full time job trying to hide your ED
But was I really hiding it?
Probably not
The staff can tell by your appearance
By your blood pressure
And of course by your bloods
I was fooling no one
Least of all myself

I was discharged from hospital both times for failing to gain weight
In fact I lost weight in hospital
And continued to lose weight when I got home
Dropping to 40kilos at one point
I still thought I was fat

I was at a loss when I came home from hospital
I didn't know what to do
I had exhausted all my options
Nothing was helping
This culminated in me taking an overdose
I didn't tell anyone
It wasn't until a week later that I told Mary
Because I was afraid I was going to do it again
She took action immediately
She contacted my doctor and psychiatrist
I saw him the next day
He changed my meds
Increasing my olanzapine
And putting me on Prozac
I took it like a good little anorectic
But I had little faith that it would help at all

The next few weeks I white knuckled it
Barely hanging on
Trying to keep it together
Trying to find a reason not to disappear
The gradually I noticed that I felt a little better
I didn't feel so down
I didn't feel like I wanted off this earth
And also the binging and purging stopped
That was a minor miracle
I had been purging 10 -15 times a day
I had a path worn from my kitchen to my bathroom
It was such a relief

Then I noticed that my weight was going up
At first I was terrified
I didn't want to gain
But it was happening anyway
I'm still getting used to the weight
It's taking a lot of time and a lot of patience
Now I realize that if I want to stay well
If I want peace of mind
I have to be a healthy weight
I can't have one without the other

My thinking has changed too
Because I feel a bit better about myself
I no longer need to depend on my anorectic identity
I no longer need to hold on to that girl
Because I know that I am enough just the way I am
I don't need to be underweight in order for my family to love
My family and friends will love and accept me no matter what I weigh
And no matter what I look like

The biggest difference in my frame of mind is that I no longer want to die
That's saying it bluntly
I now feel like I can handle life
And reality
I want to live
I want to experience things
I used not care whether I lived or died
It just didn't matter to me
Now it matters
It matters a lot
I have a family
Friends
2 dogs that depend on me
And would be heart broken if I died
I want to live
I. Want. To, Live

So here I am
Warts and all (And there are a lot of warts)
If you don't like me because of what I weigh
Or what I look like
Then I don't want you in my life
There is more to me than skin and flesh
I am more than a number on a scale
I am more than the size on an item of clothing
Those numbers don't define
They don't begin to explain what I am about
Or what you are about
I don't measure my worth by these numbers
I measure my worth by how I live my life
How I help others
How I contribute to my family
How I keep my dogs
How I bounce back from the hurdles in my life
How I keep fighting even though I suffer from 2 chronic illness'
How I stay positive even on the darkest day
How I smile and laugh even though I may feel I am dying inside
How I fight every single day to stay well
This is what I am made of
This is what defines me
This is what really matters

My past doesn't define me
I am changing the script of my life
I shouldn't have survived
I shouldn't be here
I died many times
But I am still here
I am alive and kicking
There must be a reason for that
Because it's not by choice
I welcomed death
I sat in it's waiting room
But each time I was turned away
Told it wasn't my time
I still had things to do
And so I will do them
Tough times don't last
Tough people do