Struggling

My sister knows 

She read my blog

Even though I asked her not to

She is not happy

And tells me if I see The Boy again

Or use again

She will call the police

And report me and him

I don't doubt that she will go this 

She means business 

He texted yesterday

Wanting to meet up

I decided to go and tell him that I couldn't see him anymore

Against my better judgement 

I went to his house

Where I found myself sitting in a living room

With three dudes all skinning up

Suddenly I just wanted to get out of there 

And just knew I had made a huge mistake going there

I racked my brain for an excuse to get out of there

I was becoming very anxious and paranoid

And just wanted to get the hell out of there 

It's like I suddenly realised that this was all bullshit

It wasn't real

And do I really want to be part of this world?

The answer is no

A definite no

I couldn't have got out of there quick enough

And before you say it

I know it was a really stupid thing to go and see him

I know it was putting myself in danger 

But yet I still plough ahead in to self destruction 

I am realising that I can't use recreationally

I can't drink socially

I can't have just one

I am an addict

And a greedy one at that

It has to be all or nothing

So there I was 

Sitting in a fog of dope smoke

Listening to these guys talking

I couldn't even say anything

I just wanted to run out of there 

I took out my phone 

And pretended that I had just got a text

I said it was my nephews school

And they needed someone to pick him up as he was sick

I made my excuses and left

It was such a relief to get in to my car and drive away from there

I don't know if they believed me

And I don't really care

All I know is that that is not a world I want to be part of

At least now I know that for sure

I arrived home

And my sister was on high alert

She wanted to know where I had been

And who I had seen

I told her the truth

There's no point in lying anymore

She is worried

But said she won't tell our mum

This time

I'm not sure why it's so hard to stay away from The Boy

He has nothing to offer me

Other than a drug habit 

But I still feel drawn to him

And I hate that I am

But I know I can't see him anymore

If I want to stay clean and sober

If I don't want to worry my family

It sucks

I have too much to lose though 

As my sister said to me yesterday

I have worked too hard to get to this point

I don't want to throw it all away

And lose the trust I have built up with my family

Do I really want to throw my life away for the sake of a boy or a drug?

The answer is no

I definitely don't