And boy have I had some storms to deal with recently
My life has been turned upside down in the past few weeks
My world has been rocked
I thought that I was doing ok
Coating along
Not using
Not critically underweight
But now I can see that I was just treading water
I was like a ticking time bomb
It was only a matter of time before I exploded
The Boy was the catalyst
But the wasn't the cause
It could have been anything
It just happened to be him
Despite the devastation
And the destruction that this recent relapse caused
And there was a lot of it
Some good things did come out of it
I am now back at meetings
Which is a huge step for me
If you have been reading for a while
You will know that I have been trying to get to a meeting for years
I also found out who my real friends are
Some people ran for the hills when it came out that I had used
Others rallied around me
And I am eternally grateful for that
I am one week clean today
I know that is a pitiful amount of time
But it marks the first steps of my recovery
Recovery from all mind altering substances
I now see that I can't use
Anything
Be it alcohol
Or speed
Or cocaine
Or heroin
Or poppy freakin' tea
They are all a no go area for me
Maybe some people can use re-creationally
And still maintain a normal life
And function
But I sure as shit can't
I know that for sure now
I've always been an all or nothing person
There are no half measures with me
That's just the way I am
And I have to accept that
My self will has been running riot recently
And I left a trail of destruction in my wake
I want to be a better person
I don't want to be the person that I have been for the last few weeks
That is not the real me
Drugs turn me in to a person that I don;t even recognize
And that is truly scary
I heard someone say this as a meeting recently
Give time, time
In other words
Things take time
Gaining back trust takes time
Becoming a better person takes time
Staying clean and sober takes time
Those three words mean a lot
So it is onwards and upwards
No looking back
No feeling sorry for myself
Time to dust myself off
And stand up as the person I want to be
Fake it til you make right?
I think so.......
Yes you need to stay right away from all those things. You need off the methadone too as that's just a free heroin substitute! You can do it if you want it enough!
ReplyDeleteI'm in no hurry to come off the methadone to be honest
DeleteIt's the lesser of two evils right now
But I understand what you mean
In an ideal world
I would be completely clean x
you were doing so well,don't let recent slips destroy your progress.As you say it may take time but whats the alternative? you deserve to live your life free of all this stuff, keep going so many people care and are willing you to get better, lots love Jo xx
ReplyDeleteThanks Jo for your continued support
DeleteIt means a lot
And I look forward to your comments every day x
hey, Ruby.
ReplyDeletei love you, you know?
i just wanted to let you know that. i love you a lot.
"Some good things did come out of it" i agree to this. i also think that rather than you going to meetings, i also think it proved to you how this distresses your family as well and your loved ones. sometimes, they can be the driving force we need to get better.
"I know that is a pitiful amount of time"
that is NOT a pitiful amount of time. it's amazing. you're extraordinary and i'm very proud of you for doing this.
i am also an all-or-nothing girl. i'm dedicating myself right now to shifting that behaviour. i want to be one of those half-measure people that can somehow balance everything, right?
yes. it takes time.
and i realise one thing with us - people that are eating disordered - we have this whole 'i don't want to give it time. i want it NOW' mentality. i think we REALLY need to fix that.
you're a strong girl, Ruby. you really are. don't underestimate what you can and cannot do. you can do everything. you are literally a miracle. don't ever forget this. don't hide away behind anything. you get to choose who you want to be. you get to choose who you are right now. we cannot tell you you are wrong.
i hope you're alright, sweetie. stay strong! <3
-Sam Lupin
I'm glad to hear you've not been in contact with The Boy again. I hope you can keep up with the meetings - I am so frikkin' proud of you for finally managing to get there despite the bumps along the way.
ReplyDeleteI will always stand by your side Ruby. Addiction, mental illness, I would never hold any of that against you or anyone else. Some reading probably think I'm a softie, but I don't care. I firmly believe in treating others the way you want to be treated, and well, running for the hills isn't it.
Lots of love to you my friend <3
xxxx
Addiction is so sweet, so beguiling, so treacherous. It isn't something you can shrug off like a coat, it is like a second skin that you may shed, but traces will remain. You have such a wonderful family that both love you but also ground you. Do it for yourself, but also for them, for us who love you so dearly. We don't want to lose you.
ReplyDelete