Day 3

Technically today is Day 5

But it's my third meeting so we will call it Day 3

I got to the lunch time meeting today 

And will go to the 7pm NA this evening

Which will be my first NA meeting

It's great to have lunch time meetings to go to

Because some days it can feel like forever waiting for the evening meeting 

And it's great to start the day off on a good start

Chicken soup for the soul

I know I would go everyday if they were on

But I get to about 3 or 4 a week

And that is great

It was a small meeting today

Just six of us

Creepy man was there 

So I did my best to avoid him

It was a lovely meeting

Some people were talking about nature and animals

So when it was my turn

I shared about Honey and Lea

And how much they have helped me

I also spoke about Lea 

And how her fur fell out when I went in to hospital

And then grew back when I began to recover

So I really enjoyed the meeting

I am getting used to speaking in front of others

And don't get so anxious before hand

I had a phone call from Mary's secretary

To tell me that Mary had to cancel today's appointment

I am disappointed

But hopefully will get to see her next week

It's something to look forward to

My confidence is slowly coming back

It really was non existent

I felt so low in myself

Couldn't find any redeeming features about myself

I felt like I left a trail of destruction in my wake

That I hurt everyone around

A burden

A no good

Eating disordered

Drug addicted

Useless

Waste of space

I really thought I had nothing to offer

That I was bad through and through

Bad to the bone

But you what I am starting to realise?

That I am not a bad person

I never was

Yes

I have done some amazingly stupid things in my time 

If there was a stupid Olympics 

I would win gold every time

But the person who hurt the most through all my shenanigans 

Was me

Now that I am clean and sober

I know that deep down 

I am inherently good

I want to do the right thing

I don't want to hurt myself or others

I want to be a good person

It's amazing the difference a few days and a few meetings can make

Almost three weeks ago

My world came tumbling down 

As my family found out about my using 

It rocked them to the core

My mother, my sister and I

Stood in my bedroom

Them demanding that I get rid of any drugs that were in the house

And my refusing to do it in front of them

I honestly can't remember the last time I saw my Mum so angry and upset

It shocked me

Fast forward three weeks

And things are a lot better

As quickly as things can go downhill

The can also turn around just as quickly

I fought with myself for so long about meetings 

And struggled to accept that I needed them

I wanted to do things my way

The Ruby way

It might have worked in the short term

But if I want a life free from drink and drugs

Then I need to have some sort of plan

And meetings are a good plan

I'm not entirely sure why they are so effective

Essentially an AA or NA meeting is a gathering of addicts

Who come together to exchange their experience, strength and hope

We sit and share

About our lives

And our addiction 

And most importantly about out recovery

I always come out of a meeting re energised 

And full of hope

They do the trick every time 

Now I am wondering why I avoided meetings for so long

I bobbed along 

On my own

Running on the fumes of recovery 

Holding on by my finger nails

It took me way too long to find my way back to the rooms

But at least I got there

I feel like I have a chance now

A chance of a good life 

Free from drink and drugs

And all the bullshit that goes with them

There is a woman at the meetings who calls the chairs 'priceless' seats 

She is right 

Those seats are precious 

And not to be taken for granted 

I just feel very grateful today 

For meetings

For my family 

My friends 

And my dogs

As they say

Count your blessings slowly

And one at a time