The Interview....

As you know

A lady called Dyna Fayz contacted me from Levant Tv

Levant Tv is a Middle Eastern tv station based in London

They were doing an item on eating disorders

And having found me through my blog 

Dyna wanted to know if I would speak to them

Along with a psychiatrist and the mother of a young girl with an eating disorder

I spoke to Dyna last week

She outlined what the discussion would revolve around

And what questions I may be asked

It all sounded really exciting

So I agreed to do it

Dyna informed me that the show was to be recorded yesterday

When they would ring me

And I would participate by phone

I also supposed them with a photo they could show their viewers while I was speaking

Over the weekend 

I wrote out some flash cards for myself

Subjects and topics and words to trigger my brain as to what to speak about 

Yesterday morning 

I saw my doctor

Collected my meds

But did t take any

As I wanted to be as alert as possible

Dyna was due to ring at 3 30pm

So my day was spent worrying and fretting

And generally being all over the place

I arranged my notes on the coffee table

Asked my Mum to stay in the room with me

And waited

Half past three came and went 

My nerves were shot

Eventually 

After 4pm

I got the call

A disembodied voice asked me to hold on for Dyna

I could hear the other interviews taking place

Mostly the psychiatrist

After another lengthy wait

I finally was put on to Dyna

I was super nervous

And I could hear the shake in my voice

She started off by asking me a bit about my story

I couldn't tell you what I said

It was all a blur

I do remember trying to speak clearly and confidently 

I didn't use any of my notes 

And mostly spoke off the cuff 

The mother of the young girl also asked me some questions

About whether the negative voice in her daughters head would ever go away

I tried to be as honest as possible

To give a realistic account of what it's like to live with and recover from an eating disorder

The presenter asked the psychiatrist what advice he would give me

He simply said 

'Find out what you want to be and be it'

I thought this was good advice

And is exactly what I am trying to do at the moment 

And just like that 

It was all over 

I couldn't quite believe it

As I hadn't said half of what I had planned to say

There was so much more that I wanted to cover

Everything written on my notes

The interview lasted about fifteen minutes according to my Mum who was in the room with me

But it felt like seconds  

They told me they would send me information about when you the show is broadcast

We said goodbye

And that was it 

At first I felt disappointed

Because I didn't say half the things that I wanted to say

I felt I had said very little really

But my Mum assured me that I had covered quite s lot

How and ever

I did my best

And I just hope that it will help someone just a little bit

I was completely wound up after the interview

Full of nervous energy

I rang a few people to talk it over with

I feel really good that I did it

Because I was full of anxiety about it

I'm really looking forward to seeing it broadcast

And hopefully I can share it with you too

It just goes to show 

The amazing things that can happen through writing a blog

When you put yourself out there

Wonderful things can happen

I write my blog everyday

Sending my words out in to the abyss that is the internet

I never know who is going to read then

Who is going to comment

Or email

Or get in touch with me

I wake up every morning looking forward to reading my emails

As there is always something interesting to find 

The aim of my blog was always to help others and help myself in the process

I really feel like my story has a purpose

That there is a reason why all this happened

You know?

 

If you want to check out Levant Tv

They have a Facebook page 

But otherwise

I will post the link to the show when I get it

Here's hoping it all turns out ok.....

Good News!

Just a quick post this morning

Monday is doctor day as you know

My doctor wasn't very chatty this morning

He asked me how my week went

And how I got on with my new dose

I told him this week went better

But could he please not reduce my methadone this week

He agreed

Last week he said he was going to reduce it by 2mls a week

Which is quite a lot 

He made the point that we were hoping to be completely off it by next Christmas

And now that won't happen

I don't mind though

I would rather be on more methadone and be stable

Than be on less and messing around

So I am still on 36 mls

And that is just fine with me

I came home 

And wrote out some points for my interview this afternoon

They are going to ring me at 3 30pm

And my slot will last around fifteen minutes

I am super nervous 

I just hope I can do you all proud 

And speak honestly and openly

I will do my very best

That's all I can do

In other news

The postman came at about 11am

With One letter for me

My Mum left it on the coffee table for me

I immediately knew what it was

It was from my course

I slowly opened it

And scanned down through the writing

You know what?

I got in!!

I have my place on the course!

Exciting!

I am delighted to have made it on

Now I have some decisions to make

If I accept this place

My disability benefit will be stopped after one year

And I will have to go on Jobseekers

Who very much stay on your back about getting work 

When my payment is stopped

I can appeal it

But that is a nightmare of red tape that I don't want to go through 

The thing is

If my disability is stopped

It will be nigh impossible to get back on it

I was first put on this payment when I went in to hospital for the first time

My psychiatrist wrote to social welfare

And I was immediately put on disability

And it's great to be on it

As they really do leave you alone

No signing on

The money goes straight in to my bank account

No pressure from social welfare

And I also get a travel pass

Which saves me so much money

My case is reviewed every few years

And that is usually just routine questions 

So if I do this course

I will lose that payment

That security

And all the perks that go with it

It really makes no sense to me

But then that's this country for you

I do have other options

I could try and find another course

It's just that I had my heart set on this one

As its specifically for adults returning to education

It's part time

There's a lot of support

And it's near my home

I guess all I can do is find out all my options

Then make an informed decision

I have two months until the course starts

So I will try to make it work 

I am trying to kill time before my interview

It never ceases to amaze me

The things that have happened through my blog

It just goes to show

That if you are willing to put yourself out there

Wonderful things can happen....

 

Sunday

As long term readers know

Sunday used to always be my worst day of the week

The last day of my meds week 

I always overtook my meds during the week 

And had none left by Sunday

So it was always a long, boring day

Often on the verge of withdrawal

I always tried to get up especially early on a Sunday

To tire myself out

In the hope that I would get some much needed sleep that night

But God almighty Sunday was an endless day

The yawning would start early 

The watery eyes

The runny nose

The dull ache in my limbs

The mental torture

It was not fun let me tell you

By Sunday night

My body would be absolutely exhausted 

But my mind super awake 

It's a horrible way to be

Craving sleep so much 

But not being able to snatch even a few minutes

The night is long when you can't sleep

The minutes become hours

The darkness makes everything seem worse

And it feels like you are the only one in the world who is awake

I tried to kill time by reading

Watching box sets

Chain smoking 

And drinking endless cups of tea

Often I would end up in tears

Just so exhausted

And mentally spent

By the time dawn came around

I was just starting to doze 

But then 8am came

And it was time to get up and go to the doctor 

I would drag myself out of bed 

My eyes bleary

My head fuzzy 

My eyes red and swollen from crying 

I felt wired 

Like the walking dead

Often losing the power to make any kind of sense

I don't miss that

So today is Sunday

And it is such a treat to have meds left

Somehow I even had 5 extra mls of methadone too!

That is just unheard of in my house

So today

I can enjoy Sunday just like everyone else

I can relax knowing that I will sleep tonight

And my friends

Is a freakin' revelation.....

Nervous Nelly....

Today is Saturday 

Which means the tv show is being recorded the day after tomorrow

And boy am I a nervous nelly 

My heart flutters every time I think of speaking in front of so many people

I am afraid that these people

Family members 

And professionals

Are going to look to me for all the answers

And I'm not sure if I have them

Or even if I have any

I haven't really been prepped for this discussion on Monday

I mean

I had a conversation with Dyna the presenter/ producer

And she outlined what the discussion will centre around

I am worried that I will either babble on like a raving lunatic

Ot completely freeze

And won't be able to utter a word 

I know the other people involved in the discussion are the mother of an eleven year old girl that is suffering with an ED

A psychiatrist

And the director of an eating disorder clinic

I know I will be asked what advice I can give the mother of the young girl

And I've been thinking about it a lot

My disorder developed when I was about 19

So to all intents and purposes I was an adult

So I haven't experienced my ED as a child

Of course the age does not matter

But I do think it makes a difference that this girl is a minor

And her parents are responsible for her

So I'm sure they're doing everything in their power to help their daughter

But the reality is

That no one can make you eat

No matter how hard they try

Eleven years old is so young

And it's such a complicated illness

That I'm sure this poor child does not even understand what is happening to her

But she is not starving herself because she is a happy well adjusted child

Something is going on there

And somehow she has got the message that if she doesn't eat

This will somehow help her situation

I'm sure her and her parents are locked in a battle of wills

And it becomes a competition to see who can hold on the longest 

In this childs mind

Her parents have now become the enemy

And the disorder has become her friend 

In a child's world 

It's as simple as that

EDs change the most well mannered polite person in to a lying, cheating manipulative and difficult person

It's a lot like living with an addict

The addiction takes over

And to the addict

Nothing else matters

Only the drug 

Or the ED

So how do we go about helping someone with an ED?

How does a family navigate the choppy waters that are anorexia or bulimia 

First off

I think we need to recognise that the disorder fulfills a need in the person

The person is getting some sort of pay off

Whether it be control

Attention

The perfect figure

Relief of anxiety

Often the sufferer won't entertain recovery 

Until the negatives of the disorder begin to out weigh the benefits

The first port of call is usually your GP

He/ she is not an expert in EDs

And will refer the sufferer on to mental health services

Or what ever services are available in the community

I saw numerous counsellors and therapists over the years 

And found them of little help

But then I had no interest in getting well

It wasn't until I started seeing Mary a few years ago that I began to even entertain the idea of recovery

I've also been inpatient numerous times

And have come to the conclusion that it is not for me

I don't doubt that it works for some people

But definitely not me

I have always done much better recovering from home

That's probably because I am lucky enough to have a very strong family around me

Often in the grip of an ED

Our world shrinks to just us and the disorder

We push away family and friends 

We lose interest in school and hobbies

And become completely immersed in the ED

We read about it

Watch films about it

Watch documentaries about it

Maybe we speak to others on line about it

Nothing else matters

Nothing else captures our attention like our ED

I thinking the tricks of recovery

Is finding something that matters to you more than the ED

What ever that may be

A hobby

A job

A person

An interest

In my case it was my dogs 

They meant more to me than my ED ever could 

And have massively helped me in my recovery

Everyone has something that they love 

Be it horse riding

Reading

Writing 

Acting

Hula hooping 

It could be absolutely any thing

As long as it means something to you

I don't have all the answers 

All I can do is share what worked for me

And give some one rough guide lines

I'm not an expert

I have been through it

And am lucky to have made it out relatively unscathed 

I like to use the analogy of the wild animal when talking about recovery

I think recovery is like training a wild animal

You can train it 

And manage it 

But there is always the possibility that it will bite

As you can never fully tame it

I never consider myself out of the woods 

I know it's a life long battle

With many hurdles

All we can do is take it day by day

Meal by meal

Keep putting one foot in front of the other

And keep going

To have hope 

Faith 

And courage

And as I always like to say

Baby steps all thee way! 

Tv Show Update

You might have noticed that I deleted a post about an email I got regarding taking part in a tv show

I received an email from a lady from a tv company called Levant Tv

Asking me if I would be willing to take part in a tv debate about eatingdisorders

That is to be recorded next Monday

I was suspicious of the email at first

As it was so general

Out of curiosity 

I emailed the lady back

A response came quickly

And it all sounded very professional

However 

I did want to speak to someone before committing to anything 

So I emailed my phone number 

And asked her to give me a call

The call came in within minutes

And I spoke at length to the lady

She explained that Levant Tv is Lebannese 

And their shows are streamlined on line

As well as being shown on tv in some countries

She described how there would be a few people taking part in this particular show

A psychiatrist

An eating disorder clinic director

The mother of a young girl with an ED

And myself

This lady found me through my blog

And wants me to spread the message of hope

That there is light at the end of the tunnel

And that there is life beyond an ED

To me

This all sounds great

This is exactly the reason that I write my blog

To give others hope 

Yet give an honest and unflinching account of what it's like to live with an eating disorder

I can't lie

I am nervous beyond belief to do this

But more than wanting to do it

I feel I need to do it

I feel like it's my responsibility to speak for us 

For everyone one of you who is out there in your own little corner of the world 

Suffering

Some suffering alone

And in silence

If I can give someone at least a little bit of hope

Then I am happy with that

I know when I first started trying to recover from drugs

It was so important to me that I saw someone who was doing it

Who was actively enjoying recovery

Not enduring it

Someone who had been there

Done that 

Bought the extra small t-shirt

It's so very important to see another human being achieving what we want to achieve 

Because then we know that it is possible

Then we know that it's real

Part of me is feeling like a bit of a fraud though

I mean

In all honesty

I am no poster girl for recovery

I still struggle on daily basis 

I am no where near recovered

But I guess that is a more realistic view of recovery

Recovery is a spectrum

We are all at different points

But we are all on it

What ever stage we are at

Recovery is not so black and white

There is a  huge grey area 

Where most of us reside

I hope to carry a message of hope

And also a realistic version of recovery

I just hope that I can do it justice

As you know

I am not a great speaker

I much prefer to write 

Then I can get the words out at my own pace 

Maybe the fact that I am on the phone will make it easier

I don't know

I had to send a photo of myself that they will show when I am speaking 

Now that was an ordeal

Which photo to choose?

Instead of trawling through them all

I used the first half decent one that o came across 

It was taken last winter 

I am out walking 

And the beach is in the background 

Anyway 

It'll do as they say

With all said

I am throwing the floor over to you

Are there any specific topics or areas that you think I should address?

Is there anything that you think is important to mention?

Any advice you could give the mother of the young girl?

Or anything they you think is worth mentioning?

Do let me know if you can think of anything 

Ok

I'm off to pace manically

And chew my finger nails 

As I await the up coming day.....

Day 6

Today is day 6 of operation don't weigh for a year

Whilst trying to decide whether to do the year or not

My only set of scales decided to give up and die

So whether I like it or not

I am scale free

Goodbye dear scale

You served your time with me

You brought some joy

But mostly you brought despair and disappointment 

I am through with measuring my self worth with you

It will hard to break the tie with you

You were an integral part of my ED

Intrinsically linked to my self esteem and confidence

I'm sure I will miss you

But just like with smoking 

I know I'll get over you

I'm sorry to break up with you do suddenly

But you are causing me too much heartbreak

I can't live this way any more 

It's time for you to go

Our relationship was bad news from the start 

I knew it was unhealthy 

Toxic

I should have known that it would end in tears

I tried to leave many times

But every time you lured me back in

I was too weak to resist

I am stronger now though 

I have some recovery behind men

And for the first time in my life

I feel able to stand up to you 

I won't let you control me anymore 

It doesn't seem like much

 But breaking the cycle with you

Is one of the most important things I can do

So I'm going to do it

Today is Day 6

6 down

359 to go.....

Interview Update

I'm just back from my interview

As I said in previous posts

It's a two year course

Business and computers

Specifically for adults who want to go back to learning 

It's ideal for me

I've been out of education for a long time

So it's a nice way to ease back in to it

I woke up at 5am

I knew I would sleep anymore

So I got up 

And sat with the dogs for a while 

Watched some tv

And dozed on the couch

The interview was on my mind all morning

I knew it would be more of a chat than a formal interview

But I still wanted to do as well as I could

The interview was at 2 15pm

So I got dressed at about one 

I changed my outfit slightly 

And added a blue shirt instead of a white t-shirt

As I thought it looked a bit smarter 

My Dad was here

So he drove me

And we set off at about 1 30pm

After a couple of stops 

We arrived at the school at 2pm

My Dad went and parked 

And I went straight in

I saw a sign telling me where to go

I saw some seats and a girl looking very nervous

I asked her if I was at the right place

She said I was

She seemed super nervous

I tried to make small talk

But she wasn't interested

After a few minutes a girl came out of the interview room

And the girl next to me was called in

When I get nervous 

I always have to pee

So I went for a quick one

When I got back to my seat 

I realised I could hear practically every word of the interview

A heard a couple of questions 

And filed them  mentally so I would have the answers if I was asked too

Soon the girl came out

She wished me good luck

Which was nice of her

Then the door opened again

And it was my turn

My heart gave a flutter of anxiety

And I walked in to the room

There were two women there

They told me their names and who they were

But for the life of me I can't remember 

I sat down 

And the interview began 

They asked me where I'd heard about the course

What interest did I have in the subjects

What exams I had

They saw from my application that I was on disability benefit

And explained that I need to write to social welfare to tell them I am doing the course

They also mentioned the possibility that my payment could be stopped after one year

Which is worrying 

And something I'll have look into

I've been on disability benefit since I was first admitted to hospital in 2008

It's great because they kind of leave you alone 

And only check up on you every few years

I was also able to work a few hours over the years

But  having  the payment cut would cause me a lot of problems 

Anyway

Back to the interview

They asked me about previous work 

Where I had lived 

Had I done any voluntary work

Thankfully I remembered that I had 

When I was an exam scribe

Then asked if there was any reason that I wouldn't make it in to the course

I took this as my opportunity to tell them about the fact that I've struggled with eating disorders

They asked how that would manifeste itself

I said it would probably be a mental thing at first

A crisis of confidence

Or experiencing anxiety

I did however 

Emphasise that I am the bed I've been in a long time

And hoped to continue that way 

They really were very nice 

And said they would do everything to support and help me

I felt so relaxed and comfortable

And got such a good vibe 

After a few more questions 

I couldn't believe I when they said it was lovely to meet me

And just like that

It was all over

I couldn't believe it 

I felt like I had just sat down 

They told me that the offer letters would be posted tomorrow

So I'll be waiting for mine with baited breath

I left the interview feel positive and hopeful

The only stumbling block is the issue of my payment 

Which more than likely will be stopped if I do this course

I guess I have to weigh up which is more important

I will also speak to my mum who works in adult education

Or used to work should I say

As she retires this week

I'll find out as much information as I can

And make a decision the 

I feel wrecked tired after the interview though

I was a bit wound up about it all morning

And it's just nice to have it over and done with

Also

Thank you all for your comments, texts and emails wishing me well

It really means a lot 

Right

I'm off to have a little nap

Are you on the next post....

Honey and Lea

As you know

Honey and Lea are my two dogs

Lea is a beautiful golden retriever 

And Honey is a fiesty terrier

I got them when I moved up here ten years ago

And they both turned ten recently 

Honey came from the local dog shelter 

She had originally been in a home with a single mother and a baby

But she couldn't cope 

So Honey was left on to the shelter 

I can still remember the day I collected her

She was five months old

And so giddy and full of energy and fun

I brought her home

She wasn't in the house ten minutes

When she made herself at home

And jumped up on one of the chairs in our sitting area

She was cheeky from the start

And nothing has changed in that respect

But that is one of the things I love about Honey

That she has a naughty streak

She knows she's only allowed on the kitchen 

But any chance she gets

Age runs out the door and down to my bedroom

One of her favourite things to do is roll around on my bed

And no matter how many times you tell her not to do it

She will chance her arm again and again

A few months after we got Honey

We decided to get another dog

I specifically wanted a retriever

So I found Lea through an advertisement 

Again 

Lea was about five months when we got her

From the start

She was the complete opposite to Honey

When we brought her home

She spent the first day hiding in the bushes at the bottom of the garden

She was super nervous 

And very wary of us to begin with

Over time Lea has improved a lot 

She can still be anxious

But she had come on leaps and bounds

And found her confidence

My dogs have literally been a life saver 

And saved my sanity over and over again

When I couldn't find a reason to get up in the morning

I got up for them

When I didn't want to leave my house

I left to walk them 

They give uncinditional love

And are always so delighted to see me if I so much as leave the room for ten minutes

When I went in to hospital at the end of 2013 - start 2014

My mother and father looked after my dogs 

It was around this time that Leas fur began to fall out

First on a little patch on her back

But it soon spread so that her whole back was almost bald

My mum didn't tell me at the time

As she didn't want to worry me

But when I went home for Christmas 

I saw it for myself

My mum also told me that Lea had sunk in to a kind depression since I had left

I was worried

We brought her to the vet

The took bloods

Checked her hormone levels

But everything came back normal

They couldn't find any medical reason as to why her fur was falling out

I went back to hospital

And Lea continued to deteriorate 

A few weeks later

I was discharged 

And went home for good 

It was soon after this that I overdosed 

And all the professionals stepped in

A plan was put in place

My meds were tweaked 

And slowly but surely 

I began to improve 

I gained weight 

My mood picked up

And my anxiety lessened

Then I noticed that Lea began to perk up

Her mood improved

And miraculously 

Her fur stopped falling out

And began to grown back

We were all shocked here

And my mother came to the conclusion that she had been ill because I was ill

And my illness effected her so much 

That she fell in to a depression and her fur fell out

As I continued to improve

So did Lea

And it did me the world of good to see her recover

As I'm sure it did get to see me

We spoke to a vet afterwards

And she confirmed that it could have been Leas stress levels that made her so unwell

It still blows my mind to think about it

When I was in hospital

Every Wednesday night

A lady brought in a therapy dog

She went around the wards 

Visiting patients

Letting them stroke and play with the dig

So it is recognised that dogs can aid recovery

I know my dogs massively helped me over the years

Even when I was at my sickest

I still walked them daily

Fed them

And played with them

In a lot of ways 

They kept me going 

Helped me hang on

And most definitely kept me sane

Lea and Honey are now both ten years old

Honey has one eye left

But she is still going strong

In dog years 

They are now 70

So really they are elderly 

And I can see it in them 

I just can't imagine life without them

They are part of the family

An integral part of the family

Here they are on Fathers Day

Cheeky Honey will never look at the camera 

Methadone and the scales

It seems that yesterday's post provoked quite a response

Some people really don't agree with methadone 

And see it as a 'free heroin'

And as just another addiction

Others seem optimistic that it works of dispensed correctly

It's the same here on this country

There are thousands of people on methadone 

And it always causes fierce debate

I think it's really a case by case situation

Like most things

Methadone will suit some people

But not others

It depends on how each case is handled individually

Some people genuinely want to get clean

Off everything

And use methadone as a stepping stone to get there

This is probably a healthy way of looking at it

Methadone will provide stability and structure to the addicts life

They will no longer need to turn to crime to fund their habit

They will have the structure of weekly doctor visits 

And possibly daily pharmacy visits

When I first started methadone 

I had to go to Dubln once a month to see the head doctor over methadone  in Ireland

I also had to see my own doctor every other week

I started off on 70mls

And worked my way down over the years

I am now on methadone over ten years

I am pretty sure that a patient is not meant to stay on it indefinitely

But again

I guess it goes by a case by case basis

I have not had ten straight years clean

I have slipped every so often 

It's part and parcel of addiction and recovery 

I know at one point I was down to 18mls

And it looked like I would be off it completely within a year

Now I am back up to 36 mls

And it looks like I will be on it a lot longer

The thing with methadone

Is that there is always the temptation to abuse it

To use on top of it

To sell it

Not to take it properly

I know sometimes patients pretend they need a lot more than they actually do

And sell some of it

People fix their urines

So they give clean urines when in actual fact they are using 

The are lots of ways to fiddle the system 

And people do

I know I did

I do agree that methadone is just as addictive as heroin

If not more so

And is a total nightmare to come off

And withdrawal I've ever had was a lot harder coming off methadone 

They say it gets in to your bones 

Some may say that addiction is addiction 

It doesn't mater if it's cocaine or cornflakes

It's not about the substance 

It's about how it effects your life

And as you all know

I've struggled with my meds

Almost as much as I struggled with illicit drugs

And I really need to get some stability back in my life

So I can function

So I can do my course

So I can learn to live in reality

So I won't worry my family

So I will grow in my recovery

I can't lie

I am super super nervous and anxious to come off my methadone 

It wouldn't bother me if I never came off it

It's sad to say 

But it's the truth

The thought of living in stone cold reality scares the be-Jesus out of me

I really don't know if I can do it

If I can live with out some sort of drug

But the thing is

I know I will never have the things that I want 

If I let myself stay addicted

I won't recover

I won't feel

I won't engage

I won't truly be present

I won't be living in reality

I'll be living in my own fuzzy, cloudy, methadone coloured world

Do I really want that?

I know when I came out of the doctors yesterday 

I thought I would feel good that he increased my methadone

But in reality I felt nothing

I feel nothing

There's nothing to feel

It's hidden beneath layers of meds and methadone 

Do I want to live this way?

I'm not entirely sure

Anyway

On to other matters

You know I've been writing about not weighing for a whole year

Well it seems that the universe took matters in to its own hands 

And since Saturday 

My scale has been broken 

Dead 

Done

Departed 

Finite

I took this as a sign that I should go ahead with my idea

So since Sunday the 21st June

There will be no weighing

Not until 21st June 2016

When I will reasses the situation

Already I feel a sense of freedom

Not knowing the number is liberating 

And not having the anxiety of weighing is a joy

So I think it's a good idea all around 

So it's all go again this week

Back to meetings

Back to Breda next week

Mary 

Seeing friends 

Back on the wagon

Back on track

Baby steps all the way....

D Day

As I type this

I am sitting in the doctors waiting room

I don't need to tell you that I am beyond nervous

I just saw him walk by

And I swear

My heart jumped in to my mouth

I lay awake last night 

Trying to piece together what I was going to say to him

Tossed and turned as I ran through the conversation in my head over and over

Trying to find the right words to explain my situation

It's not easy 

No one likes to admit that they f**ked up

Especially not to their doctor of over ten years

I just keep telling myself 

It will all be over in minutes

Then I can accept whatever decision he makes 

Walk out 

And start getting busy trying to recover

I'm a big girl

I can do this 

Slips are all part and parcel of recovery

I know this

My doctor knows this

Sometimes it's one step forward 

Two steps back

At least for me anyway

Edit: just out of the doctors

And sitting in the chemist waiting for my meds

M doctor knew by looking at me that there was something wrong

'How are you doing?'

'Eerrrmmm ok...'

'That's a very tentative ok'

I sat down and took a deep breath

'I've been messing around

Not with heroin

But with my meds'

'Ok why are you doing that?'

'I don't know

I just get anxious and bored and feel the need to break out every so often

The thing is I have my interview for my course this week and I really want to get back on track

And I'm all over the place at the monent

I can't trust myself at all'

'Are you using anything else?'

'No' I answered honestly 

'Ok' he said 

' you know what this means?'

'I know' I replied

'Daily dispensing fot at least the next couple of weeks

And as well as that I'm going to increase your methadone to 34mls'

Then he seemed to change his mind and said he would increase it to 36 mls

I was actually blown away by this 

That's a 12 ml increase

Any time he had increased it

It's only been by 2-4 mls

So this is him being very lenient

And I very much appreciate that

He spent some time tapping away on his keyboard 

Asking me questions 

Then he wrote out my script 

Told me to try and stay on the straight and narrow

I thanked him and left

It was all over in a matter of minutes

I left feeling a bit bewildered

But glad 

I can never tell how it's going to go with my doctor

Sometimes he over reacts

And gets really frustrated with me

Other times he is calm and collected 

And just gets on with the task in hand

I know I'm hard work

And not an easy case 

I'm sure I'm not who he wants to see first thing on a Monday morning

Me with my baggage and endless troubles with addiction and food

It just never seems to end 

If it's not drugs

It's meds

If it's not meds 

It's bulimia or anorexia

I'm sure I am a doctors worst nightmare

And I am lucky to have the doctor I do 

He has put up with more than a little BS from yours truly

And he is never anything short of kind

My doctor has a conscience

He is ethical

And upstanding

Always doing things by the book

Even though he gets paid handsomely for my methadone treatment 

He has been trying tirelessly for years to get me off it

I've known doctors clock up as many methadone patients as the can

And keep them on file for as long as they can

All in the name of money

I've cursed my doctor over the years

Wishing he would be just a little bit crooked

And prescribe me what ever I want

But in reality 

I know I'm lucky to have such a good doctor 

Even though my meds have been taken in hand 

There is still the opportunity to abuse them

I could store my meds

But I feel positive that I won't 

I have my interview for my course on Thursday

So I really want to be lucid and compos mentis 

The increase in methadone will probably have an effect on me

And make me a little sleepy

So I really want to avoid that on Thursday

I said to my mum today 

'I don't know if you've noticed but I've been abusing my meds recently' 

'Yes of course I have noticed' she replied

'I avoid you when you are like that and there is no talking to you.

It's like talking to a drunk person'

I don't know why

But I was surprised to hear this

Most of the time I go along thinking they no one else notices

But of course they do

It's hard not to miss

Hopefully this is the start of my turning around the meds situation once and for all

My doctor said he is going to reduce 

My methadone over the next few weeks

But I'll believe that when I see it

So all in all

It was a good result

And I feel hopeful about the future 

It just goes to show 

When I do the right thing

And be honest 

Good things do happen

I'd also like to thank all of you for your support, well wishes, advice, comments and emails

You guys have saved my sanity more times than I can count

Your support means more than you will ever know

Thank you

For being there

For listening

Reading 

For your words of wisdom

Your honesty

Your candour

For telling me what I need to hear

And not what I want to hear

Good friends are hard to come by

And I am blessed to count you among mine  

Fathers Day

It's Fathers Day here today

And it's also my other sisters birthday

So we are all having a family meal here

Which I am cooking

Chicken chasseur

It was only after I bought all the ingredients 

That I remembered that I made this the last time we all met up

But how and ever

I'm sure no one will even notice

I get on well with my Dad

And see him regularly

As you know 

My parents split up when I was 19

The best decision they ever made if you ask me

Growing up in our house was tough

There was often a grim atmosphere 

And my father drank a lot

My parents were constantly fighting

And I actually hated my father

I can distinctly remember being afraid of him

And worrued that he was going to kill us all

That is no exaggeration

But in recent years 

Things have drastically improved 

My father hasn't touched alcohol in years

And the family gets on much better

The only thing is 

That my father denies that he did anything wrong while we were growing up

So we avoid that subject like the plague 

I get on good with my Dad now

He spent a lot of time with me when I was really unwell

So I guess we have that bond

My Dad absolutely loves Honey and Lea

And they adore him

So we also have that

Which is nice

Anyway

On to other subjects

Regarding weighing

I think I am going to go ahead and discard my scale

And try to go a full year without weighing

Maybe I'm bonkers 

Maybe this is a terrible idea

But I feel compelled to do something

To take control of the whole weighing situation

However 

I will talk to Mary next week

To see what she thinks 

Call me crazy

And maybe I don't need to be so 'all or nothing'

But that's the way my brain works 

Let me know what you think about it

Last but not least 

I will leave you with today's outfit

Shirt - River Island

Skinny jeans - River Island

A year scale free?

I've been thinking a lot about the whole weighing situation 

At the end of my last session with Mary 

We decided that neither she or I would weigh me for the next few weeks

She also asked me to keep a food diary

And I made a commitment to eat regularly

And preferably not purge

Mary assures me that my body will find its own natural set point if I feed it correctly

To be honest

I haven't quite kept to the agreement about not weighing

And did so once yesterday

No good can come of it though

It's a lose lose situation

Do what is an eating disordered girl to do?

I remember a while ago

I stumbled across a blog over in Wordpress

The writer was documenting her life without weighing for a year

I remember thinking it was an amazing idea

She wrote every single day

And was recovering from an eating disorder

I think her year is up by now

It was an incredible experience for this blogger

And it is something I am thinking about doing

Getting rid of my scales

And not weighing for a whole year

It's just a thought at the moment

I haven't made an concrete commitment yet

I wanted to share the idea with you guys

To see what you think

Because the thing is

Weighing myself

And being weighed by Mary

Is really holding me back

And keeping me stuck in a negative thought cycle 

I hate knowing the number

Yet I feel compelled to step on the scale on a daily basis

And emotionally torture myself

I think not knowing at all is the best policy

I will know from my clothes if I am gaining or losing weight

So that will be my guideline

I really want to go by how I feel inside

Rather than go by how I look

After my conversation with Mary

It really hit home that I am Nevet going to be happy if I hang everything on what I weigh

Or how I look

I can finally see that happiness and contentment is an inside job

No number on a scale 

No clothes size

Can fulfil me

And fill the hole in my soul

I am regularly reading over my list of ten goals for the future 

They are what really matter

They are the things that are going to build my confidence and self esteem

They are going to help me develop a thick skin

And a back bone

Because right now I am putting too much weight in what I look like

I mean yea it's nice to look nice

Have nice hair

Flattering clothes 

They can make me feel good

But only temporarily

I need to find something with more substance

And more meaning

I need a reason to get up in the morning

To bound out of bed

And face the day head on

Righting now I am just drifting along

I'm abusing my meds

Struggling to stay clean and sober 

And hating myself most of the time

There is more to life than being a certain size and a certain weight

In this year without a scale 

I hope to find other ways of liking and loving myself

I hope to find value in me as person 

Not as just a body

I hope to sppreciate myself just the way I am

And not judge myself by how I look

The lovely Sam left such a lovely comment on my last past

She asked me why I am focusing on the wrapping and the box

When there is such a lovely gift inside

These are such kind and thoughtful words 

And they are so true

Our body is just a vessel 

A vehicle 

To house what really matters on the inside

Our personality

Our hopes and dreams

Our minds 

Our brains 

They are the important things

With all that said 

I was wondering what you think about this idea

Living scale free for a year?

Yay or nay?

Inquiring minds want to know......

Memories

During my last session with Mary

She reminded me of a time when she asked me to show her a photo of a time when I felt happy and content 

I remember bringing in the photo to her

It was taken seven or eight years ago

I was in my early twenties

My weight was stable

And even though I had my struggles

I remember feeling pretty good back then

The photo was taken in my brothers house

And I am surrounded by my brother

My mother

My nephew 

And my sister

I like this photo as I think I look healthy

Like I don't have a care in the world

There's a spark in my eyes

And I look alive

There's another photo I have that I like

It's no exaggeration to say that these two photos are probably the only ones I like of myself

This one was taken in Avignon

In France

Again about seven years ago

We stayed in a beautiful apartment

And it was one of my favourite holidays ever

In the photo

I am sitting by the door 

Waiting for my family before we head out to dinner 

I'm reading 

And seem engrossed in the book 

I have a cup of tea beside me

And a cigarette in my hand 

I wasn't aware at the time that the photo was being taken

And that is probably a good thing

As I look more natural 

To be honest 

I was struggling a lot at this time 

Was underweight 

And purged my way around France 

But even though things were tough 

I still really enjoyed the holiday

And have precious memories of it

Both these photos bring back lovely memories

And prove that there were times in my past when I was happy

Things weren't perfect

But then when are they perfect?

These photos are so precious to me

In my house

I am the one that buys photo frames 

And displays the photos 

I just think that having an actual photo

is amazing

It's great to have them on the computer

Or memory stick

But holding an actual photo is one of life's little pleasures 

For me anyway

So

On to the photos......

Tough session

I saw Mary yesterday

I wasn't expecting it

But it was a really tough session

With all the elements for a good drama

Anger 

Tears

Tragedy 

Comedy 

I feel like I ran the gamut of emotions

All in the space of the hour

First things first 

Mary wanted to weigh me

I had no objection to this 

As I had weighed that morning

And knew what my weight was

I didn't look at the number as I stood on the scale

For some reason 

Seeing the number is harder that hearing it

I put my shoes back on

She asked me what I thought my weight was

I gave her a number

Then she told me 

And flippin' Norah

It was two kilos heavier than my scale at home

Cue complete meltdown 

I just wanted to run out of the room 

At first I felt anger

Anger at myself for being so effected by the number

Anger at Mary's scales 

And anger at Mary for weighing me on her cruel heavy  scales 

She continued to speak to me

Asking me why I put so much weight on what I weigh

I barely heard of what she was saying

Couldn't even look her in the eye

I remember her saying that I was one pound heavier than I was last week

And that could be muscle, faeces or fluid

I know that 

But it doesn't make it any easier

Mary wanted me to write a pros and cons list with her

About the benefits of having an ED

And the negatives

By now 

I had my head in my hands

And tears were stinging my eyes

I couldn't write the list

It was taking all my energy not to tear my own hair out

Earlier on in the session

I had been telling Mary how I compare myself to my sister

How I'm always interested in her weight

And sometimes ask her to try on my clothes 

So I can see the difference in what we weight

This is very eating disordered I know

And I need to stop doing it

Mary challenged me on this 

And I was starting to feel attacked

Although looking back 

I wasn't attacked

She was asking difficult questions 

Questions that need to be answered if I am going to recover

I said to Mary 

'I think I should go'

But she continued to speak to me

Now trying to make me see sense 

I said I didn't understand why I needed to be weighed 

When knowing the number had such a negative impact 

She said that it's important to know my set point

And to have at least an idea what I weigh

I don't agree 

But I see her point 

I was now starting to feel a little better

The initial shock of hearing the number was wearing off

Mary asked me to write a list of where I would like to be in five years time

I listed ten things 

From being clean and sober 

To having my own place 

From recovering from my ED

To being in a relationship

Mary then asked me to number them in order of importance

Which I did

'Ruby

If you want to get well

And not care about weight or shape

These are the things you should concentrate on

Don't compare yourself to others

Don't body check

Don't weigh obsessively 

These are the things that matter to you really 

And if you do achieve them

Then you will be happy'

I've heard it a million and one times

That happiness works from the inside out

Not the outside in

But for some reason

Hearing Mary say those words 

It suddenly clicked with me

I'm not going to be happy if I hang my happiness on my weight 

Because it's losing game

A game I can never win

Because my ED is never satisfied

Never

It's the same with my buying clothes all the time

I buy them because I think I will be happy when I have that item of clothing

And I am

For five minutes it fills the hole in my soul

But after the novelty has worn off

I'm on the hunt for the next hoody, trousers, trainers

It's like a drug

Once you get and use the drug

You feel massive relief

But it doesn't last 

And so its on to the next fix

Hearing Mary say these words today

Looking at that list 

And feeling so raw and emotional

I suddenly had the revelation that no

I will never get well

Or be happy 

If I continue the way I am going 

With my food

With my meds 

With my constant need to shop for clothes

They are all just symptoms of a greater problem

And that problem is that I don't like me

That I am not worthy unless I am skinny

That I can only deal with life when I pop a pill

That me Ruby

A 33 year old woman

Can not handle life on life's terms

I'm looking for happiness in all the wrong places

Looking for quick fixes that temporarily ease the pain

But in reality they only postpone it

And it comes back two fold 

Again and again

We were coming to the end of our session

Mary acknowledged that this was one of the hardest sessions I've had

She is not wrong

This is all stuff I don't want to look at

Never mind deal with it 

But I must if I am going to get well

Yesterday's session was a bit of a revelation

I finally saw for the first time

That happiness does not come in a pill

It's not a clothes size

Or a number on a scale

Happiness comes from the inside

Finding self worth

Self confidence

And self esteem

In knowing that I am ok just the way I am

That I don't need to change my appearance to fit in with society's idea of perfection

I have come through drug addiction

Alcoholism

Anorexia and bulimia 

I'm lucky to have even made it this far

What I look like is irrelevant

I'm just glad to be still standing 

I don't know why this has never registered with me before

That in order to live a happy life

I need to do the things I love

Surround myself with people I love 

And reach for the goals I've set myself

I guess I am a slow learner

As this is only beginning to dawn on me

Better late than never I guess

Even though it was a really tough session

It ended well

She asked me jokingly if I wanted to come back next week

And I thanked her for putting up with me

This is exactly the reason why everyone needs a Mary in their lives

A lesser councillor would have been at loss as what to do when I had my meltdown

And was hiding my face in my hands for ten minutes

In short 

Mary was well able for me

And she does it all in a kind way

I left the session feeling a little better

A bit clearer about what I need to do

So I marched out in to the big bad world 

My list of goals in one hand 

My car key in the other

Ready to do battle with this bitch

Once and for all.....

The meds situation

As you know

I've been struggling to take my meds properly

I misuse them about 5 days out of 7

And it's getting to the point where I think I want to do something about it 

Because I need to get my stuff together 

If I want to start my course in September

But not just that 

If I want to be truly clean and sober

And if I want to lead any semblance of a normal life

So it's decided 

I'm going to tell my doctor on Monday

I'm going to bite the bullet

And come clean

I can't go on like this

Spending my days face down

Cross legged

My head balancing on the top of my tea cup

Spilling endless drinks

Worrying my sister and mother

Going to meetings while drowsy

And that feels so wrong to me

Going to meetings 

While under the influence

It doesn't sit right with me

As with a lot of decisions I make

I think it's time for a good old fashioned pros and cons list

To sort out what I'm getting out of this behaviours 

And the negatives that effect my life

Of course the pros of this behaviour 

Are that I can check out of reality

And literally get out of my own head

This baffles me some

As my reality is not that bad

But it's been a pattern of mine over the years

Whether it's alcohol

Drugs

Food 

Shopping

Escaping life has always been part of my life

I guess I have it easy right now

I live in my family home

I don't have huge rent or a mortgage to pay

And money I get is mine to spend as I see fit

After I contribute to weekly shopping and bills

And also 

My meds cost very little each month

So I don't have to worry about that either

Prescription drugs are tricky

Because it's not like I'm taking an illicit drug

These meds are prescribed for me

And I am meant to take them

I'm not doing anything wrong when I take them

They are for legitimate medical conditions

But the thing is

My meds have not been reviewed in years

I was speaking to someone at a meeting one day

About anxiety

It turned out that we were both on the same anti anxiety meds

Except for the fact that I was on over double that he was on per day

And this was a big six foot guy

Surely that can't be right

Over the years 

My meds have accumulated

Especially during hospital stays

When meds tend to be tinkered with on almost a weekly basis

Trying to find that magical combination of drugs that heal us from the inside out

And of course 

So now that I am getting well from home

I probably don't need to be on as much medication

And I don't speak up about that

Because it suits me to have a lot of medication

Because I am an addict

And a greedy one at that

I'm not looking forward to telling my doctor about the situation

I don't want to let him down  

And I know I've manipulated him over the years 

It's not fair

And it's not right

Part of me is hoping he will increase my methadone

But that's the addict in me again

Rearing its ugly head

I really appreciate all your support during this

Apologies for not replying to comments the last couple of days 

Normal service resumes today

The aftermath

It's been a couple of days since my sister and I had out last argument 

What started off as a petty squabble on Sunday night 

Soon escalated in to an out and out row

The second in a week

My mother was here on Sunday

And tried to get us to work it out 

But we were both too hurt and upset to make it up

The next morning 

I was in the living room

My sister came in and wanted to call a truce

We shook hands 

And murmured that we were sorry

I wanted the fighting to stop

If only for my poor mothers sake

It's not fair on her to have to listen to us

As she said herself

We were acting like children

Since then things have been very cool

And there is an icy atmosphere in the house

We are staying out of each other's way

Not easy

But we are trying 

I wrote in yesterday's post about wanting to move out

I wrote that post when I was still very upset

Now that I have calmed down a bit 

I know it would be silly to make a rash decision

Or make a decision out of anger

And you 

My wonderful readers 

Were  on hand with some great advice

Sonetimes it seems that you know me better than I know myself 

I consider myself more than fortunate to have a little army of people 

All with their own words of wisdom to pass on

So thank you for that

Of course

I still want to move out

And I crave independence so very much

But as one of my live readers pointed out

It's best not to make any major decisions in the first year of recovery 

I think this is sound advice

As the first year of recovery is hard enough

Without making any life changing decisions 

The first year of recovery is all about firsts 

First year clean and sober

First birthday

First Christmas

First holiday 

There is so much to contend with

Without having to make any major decisions

So

I will still look in to my options

And see what's what

At least then I can make an informed decision 

My mum and I were talking about my sister yesterday

And we both agreed that she is not herself

She is coming off her meds at the moment

And seems to be struggling with side effects

She is volatile 

And emotional 

And we are wondering whether she should be coming off them at all

But that's her decision 

And she seems determined to do it

When I was very unwell

Moving out was out of the question

I just wouldn't have managed by myself 

And also I had no urge to move out

I was too busy in self destruct mode

To care about anything else

I guess it's a good thing that I feel the need to spread my wings 

I just crave my own little place so badly 

But the way things are at the moment

It might not be the best idea 

 

I've made no secret of the fact that I am struggling to take my meds properly 

You know 

My family know 

The only people who don't know are the ones who really should know

The professionals 

I know I should get this situation under control

Or else it could escalate if I was on my own

I just can't trust myself at the moment 

I don't have the resistance to say no to drugs

And if I moved out

Away from the support of my family

Things could get worse rather than better

I know that I need to get this meds situation under control

Especially as I am due to start a course in September

And I really do want to be as well as I can be by then

Every night before I go to sleep 

I make a vow that I will do better tomorrow

That I'll get to a meeting

And start taking my meds correctly

Then morning comes around

And I misuse them again

Promising that this will be the last time

But it never is

I am the very definition of insanity

Doing the same thing over and over again

And expecting different results

I misuse my  meds 4-5 days out of 7

I skip my methadone some days

So I can take a double dose the following day

I also misuse my tablets

And the mixture has almost an opiate like effect

I know if I want to recover

And truly get well

That I can't continue in this way 

The thing is 

I have it easy

I get to use

Without any of the negative consequences 

I have a nice place to live

A roof over my head 

Clothes on my back

And food in my fridge

My drugs are free

They are prescribed 

So I am not doing anything illegal 

I don't have to steal 

Or beak the law to get my fix

I don't have to associate with other addicts

This is the tricky thing about meds 

They are prescribed

And completely legal

But in abusing them

In my mind

That is as good as using

Same shit

Different substance 

So you see

There isn't the urgency

Or the impotuse to stop the behaviour 

I think if I were to move out now

My addiction issues could well get worse

As there would be no one else there 

A huge part of my sobriety is staying clean for  my family

I know

I should do it for myself 

But if that was the only way

I'd never get clean

Integrity is doing the right thing

Even when no one is watching

I don't know if I have much integrity right now

So I will stay put

For now

It's not the right time to move out

And I would be doing it for all the wrong reasons 

So I guess I will make the best of the situation

It's horrible to be on such bad terms 

But 

It is what it is

I know I need to give my sister a break 

As she is dealing with a lot 

But I also have to protect myself and my recovery 

They say you can't pick your family 

And that is true 

Usually I get on great with my sister

Which makes me think that a lot of this has to do with her coming off her meds

So I will wait

I'm still in the very early stages of recovery 

I'm just finding my feet really

And learning to live life on life's terms 

It's not easy 

Reality is boring 

And tedious

And monotonous 

And I tend to escape any chance that I get

But I have to learn to deal 

Or else I will be running away from myself forever 

I don't want that 

I want to be able to live a good life

To be happy to be in my body and mind 

Again

Thank you so much for all your continued support

It means more than you will ever know

I feel blessed and lucky to be part of this community 

I just hope that I can give back to you even a little bit of the kindness that you have showed me

From bad to worse

Things with my sister have gone from bad to worse

We made up after out fight last week

But things erupted again last night

This time with my poor mother in the middle of it all

We had a short but nasty row

It escalated so quickly

And now there is a sour atmosphere in the house

I spoke to my mum this morning

And she seems to think my sister has such a short fuse at the moment

Because she is coming off her meds 

I think I mentioned before

That my sister has suffered with depression in recent years

And is on an anti depressant 

Recently she had started to come of it

And she has been like a bull dog chewing a wasp for the past couple of weeks 

Of course I am not entirely innocent either

We know each other well

And know exactly how to push each other's buttons

I know how to wind get up

What will drive her mad

It escalated so quickly

One minute we were fine

The next

World war 3 was breaking out

My mother called us both in to the kitchen

And tried to broker some sort of peace

But neither myself or my sister were willing to back down

Stubborn as we are

Mum made the point that we all have to live together

We all have to find a way to get on

This is true

And mum is retiring in a couple of weeks 

So there will be three of us in the house from then on

It's rally not fair to have mum in the middle of this 

And I hate that it's effecting her so much 

They say you should never go to bed on an argument

Well we did last night 

And woke up this morning feeling almost hungover

With a heaviness in my head

I went to the doctor  first thing

It was Nice Woman Doctor again

She asks how I am 

I hesitate 

And she asks what that is about

I tell her that I am thinking of moving out on my own 

Which I am

It's always been in the back of my mind 

And these rows have just kind of made it more urgent

I can't say too much to the doctor

As she is also my sisters doctor

We talked for a little while

She told me to weigh up the pros and cons 

Which I will do

But yes 

I am seriously thinking of moving out

It's not just the tension with my sister

Now that I am feeling a lot better

I have a huge urge to be independent 

To do my own thing

To have my own little corner of the world 

The more I think about it

The more I think it's a good idea

I spoke to my mother about it this morning

She advised me not to make a decision out of anger 

And not to rush out in haste

I know what she is saying 

And I won't rush in to anything

I guess it doesn't hurt to find out what my options are

Obviously I am on disability benefit

And won't be able to privately rent 

So I will have to find out what I am entitled to

In the line of rent allowance and such

I just can't live like this

It's not healthy for any of us 

And I'm sure my sister is just as fed up as I am

I know that I am no angel 

I give as good as I get

And I do acknowledge that my sister is coming off her meds

And is probably not herself these days 

But I can't live like this 

With this horrible atmosphere lingering

At the moment

No one is happy

Not me

Not my sister 

Definitely not my mother

Who is caught in the cross fire

This week the plan is to stay out of my sisters way

Get to a lot of meetings

Talki things over with Breda and Mary 

I'm interested to see what they think about the situation

Meet my friends 

Marie rents with rent allowance

So I will pick her brains about how to go about applying for that

I will also inquire about what my options are

There are so many empty houses around here

Do it won't be hard to find a place

It really boils down to how I will manage financially 

At the moment 

I have few bills

No rent to pay

I contribute a certain amount every week to shopping and bills

I pay my own car tax, insurance and my phone bill

If I move in to my own place

I will have considerably more out goings 

Money will be a lot tighter 

So I guess I have to weigh up which is more important

To live here in the tension

And have more disposable income

Or move out and have that independence but less money

At the moment 

The latter seems more appealing to me

They say you can't pick your family

And it's so true

My sister is home nearly a year now

And although we've had the odd fight in that time

Things have deteriorated a lot in the past couple of weeks

Usually we get on like a house on fire

But that fire can turn nasty very easily 

And now it is suffocating us both

So the option of moving out seems really attractive right now

 

When I was very ill

Moving out just wasn't an option

I needed the support of my family 

I wouldn't have been able to manage on my own

There was always someone here with me

But now that I am feeling physically and mentally better

I crave independence so so much

Don't get me wrong 

I love living with my mum

I love this house 

And I know it's company for mum too

I've always felt very at home here 

It's given me the time and space to recover

I've been living here ten years now

And although I've loved it

I just have the feeling that it's time to move on

To spread my wings a bit more

And find my own little place

Here 

Even though I feel very comfortable 

I'm living in someone else's house

Under their rules

I want to make my own rules

I want to do things my way

Take responsibility of my own life

Of course Honey and Lea would come with me

And I do acknowledge that it would be a huge change for them too

They know no other way other than living here

And they are so comfortable here

So at home

They place I move to would have to be animal friendly 

There's just no way on this earth that I would move without them 

But

As I said 

I won't make any rash decisions

I will investigate my options

Put the feelers out 

And go from there

I must admit though 

It's really exciting to think of having my own place

The other thing is that I have to be able to trust myself

Living on my own

It would be do easy to use 

To drink

To starve

To binge and purge

I need to be sure that I can manage those things

And to be completely honesty

I'm not entirely sure I can trust myself 

Do that's where I'm at today

I would love to get your thoughts on the situation

Do you think I am being rash?

Do you think insipid wait?

What do you think I should do about the situation with my sister?

I'd live to know......