32

As usual 

Monday is doctor day

Every Monday 

For the last ten years

I've made my way to my doctors 

To collect my script

Being on methadone

It's mandatory to see your doctor every week

As no more than one week can be dispensed at a time

Methadone is a controlled drug

In that there are strict guidelines around dispensing it

It even has its own special script

Which is more like a form

Also a doctor who wants to dispense methadone has to do a course in order to be licensed to dispense it

I used to have to go to Dublin once a month to see the head doctor of methadone 

But I haven't seen her in years 

Going to Dublin was dodgy for me

As often I would end up using while there

Ten years ago

I started on a dose of 70 mls

Over the years 

I worked my way down to 18mls

It's a slow process 

But I was on my way to coming off it completely 

Then when I was misusing my meds

My doctor increased my dose to 36 mls

Which is double the dose I was on

Over them last couple of months

He has decreased it again

And I am now on 32 mls

I am so bold though

I always put up such a resistance to a reduction

And I know I can be manipulative in doing so

I'm just so afraid to come off it

And I round be happy if I was left on it forever

But

That's not really an option

I'm hoping that I will come to a place where I feel able and strong enough to be methadone free

After I saw my doctor

I saw Breda

Who is my addiction counsellor

I settled in her room

And she comment that she hadn't seen me in a while

Which is true 

I haven't seen her in about six weeks

She said that was far to long to leave it in between appointments 

I filled her in on what has been happening

About my course 

And generally how things are going

I mentioned that I haven't been to a meeting in a couple of weeks 

She said that wasn't like me

And it's not 

But I have noticed over the last couple of months 

That I've pulled back from my supports 

Including my meetings

She said that its really important that I am consistent with my supports

She is right 

I really need to get back on track

Link in with my recovery friends 

Sometimes

When things are going well

I start thinking that I don't need to go to meetings 

Or see my therapist

But the thing I have to remember 

Is that they are the reason that I am doing well

And I need to do the right thing and keep my supports in place

So that's my goal this week

To keep my appointments 

And to get to at least two meetings

I read somewhere that over thinking is the art of creating problems where there are none

I definitely do this a lot

Things are going well for me at the moment 

My mood is stable 

My anxiety is manageable  

My physical and mental health are the best they've been in a long time  

I'm clean and sober 

My ED is somewhat under control 

All in all 

Life is good 

I do my best every day 

Not to hurt myself or anyone else 

I try to be the best person I can be

I am ok 

I. Am. Ok

I just need to remember that 

I made the mistake of weighing myself yesterday 

And almost had a mini meltdown 

It's funny

That little number doesn't have as much power over me as it once had 

18 months if I had seen the number that I did yesterday 

I would have gone from zero to suicidal in seconds 

I would started either binging and purging

Or starving 

And crash dieting 

Disgusted with myself I would say the most horrible things to myself 

Bully myself 

But at the moment

I feel ok

Not amazing 

But not terrible either

I can look in the mirror

Without wanting to smash it

I can wear a bigger size item of clothing 

And accept that I am the way I am 

And that is ok

I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be 

Breda commented that my confidence seems to be improving 

I hadn't noticed until she said it

But I think she's right 

My confidence in myself is growing all the time

I'm not so timid  and agreeable 

I'm more sure of myself 

And not apologising for my very existence 

I've always struggled with confidence and self esteem 

So to finally feel good about myself is nothing short of a miracle 

Breda made the comment that I look really well

It's still very hard to accept compliments 

My ED brain still misconstrues it as a negative scenario

I get that people think they are giving a compliment 

They can see that I've improved 

And want to acknowledge it

However

In my mind

When someone tells me that I look well

My thought process goes something like this 

Person: You lookl well Ruby

Public Ruby: Oh thank you!

Private Ruby: Well? Well?

Well equals I've put on weight 

Well means I'm over weight 

Well means I'm fat 

I've chosen my outfit for Saturday

So I will show you during the week

I'm also getting my hair done on Friday

I have a style in mind

And I'm really excited to get it done

It's a busy week

The first of the visitors arrive on Wednesday

I am going to try my best to enjoy it

To participate 

And give my mum a lovely time

After all

She deserves it

So that's it for today folks

Take care

And have a good day

See you on the next post....