G

I got a text message the other day

Out of the blue

It was from a girl I was in treatment with a few years ago

A girl who I will call G

I met this girl when I was in hospital for the second time

In 2011

G was about half way through her treatment when I arrived

She had come in to hospital at a dangerously low weight

She was very ill

G struggled through treatment 

Struggled to break out of being sick

And all that went with

I firmly believe

Whether we like it or not

That our EDs serve a purpose 

There is a reason that we are eating disordered 

Because we get some sort of payoff from it

Whether that be attention

The relief of anxiety

The numbness 

The protection

The not feeling

I guess it's different for everyone 

Anyway 

Back to G 

She had a history of self harm also 

And suicide attempts 

Towards the end of her treatment 

She was discharged as an inpatient

And started to come as a day patient 

From the start she really struggled 

She self harmed when she was at home 

And began to purge 

I remember thinking that purging was a useless effort 

And told her so 

But she continued to deteriorate 

She took up a lot of time in groups 

Asked to see the doctor nearly every day 

Some of our group began to resent her 

And the attention she seemed to need

But as I have since learned from being in treatment numerous times 

Sometimes there is competition among patients to be the sickest

To need to most attention from staff

To be the thinnest 

And the most eating disordered 

I've come across it many times 

Heck, I've been there myself 

In competition with other girls to lose weight

Steering conversations to get the other person to tell you how thin you are

I've been there

Done that 

Bought the extra small t-shirt

Often people

As in family and staff members

Tip toe around the person with an ED

And that is understandable 

Because the person is in a very vulnerable position

They can be weak

Mentally and physically 

But it also means that the person in question is kept in cotton wool

I remember when I was in treatment 

The person who ran the Eating Disorder Recovery Programme was a nurse

She was the nicest person you could ever meet

She was really like a mother to all us patients 

I never once saw her lose her cool

Or get frustrated or fed up

And she was dealing with ED patients all day every day

When this nurse went on holidays 

Another nurse from the ward would take over

This nurse was much more hard hitting 

She really took no prisoners 

She was honest

Brutally so

Direct 

And did not hold back

But you know what ?

I actually did better with this nurse

I responded better to her

I'm not saying that's the same for everyone

I'm sure the softly softly approach works for done 

But not for me 

I'm digressing again

Back to G

We texted back and forth 

She told me that she was also diagnosed the borderline personify disorder

And was put on a cocktail of meds 

Due to these meds 

She went from a size six

To a size twenty very quickly 

And even though she was still very much bulimic 

Was not treated for her ED 

Because she was not underweight

This is something that makes my blood boil

Everyone is on red alert when someone is underweight

And rightly so

It's a dangerous time

And as we all know

Anorexia has a high mortality rate 

But just because someone has regained weight to a healthy BMI

Does not mean they are cured

Of course they could be on the road to recovery

But often times the person is still struggling

I have found that because I punished my body so much over the years 

Now 

My body physically won't let me lose any significant amount of weight anymore

My weight tends to fluctuate around five kilos up or down 

But that's it 

It's like my body won't let me be underweight anymore

And that's fine with me

But yes 

It's a common problem among the ED community 

Often the body recovers long before the mind

So we are left with a healthy body 

But a very anorectic mind

And that let me tell you is a living hell

Everyone tells you how well you look

And all you want to do is slice the flesh off your body

Often those who are bulimic 

Maintain a healthy weight

But that does not mean they are healthy

There could be all sorts of complications under the surface

This is the ignorance of people

They don't know enough about eating disorders to be aware of this information

So it's up to us 

The ED community 

To let people know 

To educate them 

That eating disorders come in all sizes from obese to emaciated to everything in between

I know that I was just as sick at my highest weight as I was at my lowest weight 

Fact

I rely felt for G

She has been through the mill

And although her BMI is now healthy

She still struggles

It was good to hear from her though

You form strong bonds with the girls you meet in treatment 

They are fellow soldiers in the war against  this thing we call ED

I'm hoping they through our blogs

We might be able to educate people about EDs

Mental health is still quite a taboo subject

And eating disorders and other conditions are still whispered about 

Rather than talked about 

I'm hoping that in my life time 

This will change 

People will talk openly about their issues

Without fear of being labelled 'crazy'

We've all grown up with someone on our street or in our neighbour hood

Who was labelled 'nuts' or 'mad'

I know my auntie lived in the same estate as my family

She was called Mad Mary

It's cruel

But it's because people don't understand 

And they fear what they don't understand 

My auntie was not mad

She had a bona fide mental illness

But instead of helping or understanding 

People chose to ridice her

I've often written here about my fathers side of the family

Out of his ten brothers and sisters 

All of them have suffered with some form of mental illness or addiction

My mothers side of the family has none

And out my my two sisters and my brother

My sisters and I all have been diagnosed with mental illness and addiction

And live with these traits every day

My brother on the other hand is most like my mother

Go figure 

Anyway 

That's my Sunday morning rant over

Don't know if I made any sense 

Congratulations if you made it this far 

Both in this post 

And in life

Ha 

I have officially stopped making sense 

Think I'll go and stick my head in the oven...

(That is a figure of speech in my house

Whenever someone gets fed up they say 'I think I'll go and stick my head in the oven' ala Sylvia Plath)

Ok enough!

Goodbye 

Adios 

See you on the next post....