Preventing Relapse

Given everything that is happening

Being on holidays

Coming back from holidays

Being sick

And having Turkey Tummy as the lovely CP called it

And having the stress of my driving test tomorrow

I know I need to be careful

I haven't weighed myself 

But I know that I've lost weight 

I can feel it

It's no surprise really

The food really didn't agree with me

I had bouts of diarrhoea and constipation

Although I think constipation is by far the worse of the two

And because I didn't much like the food in Turkey 

I've kind of lost the taste for food

Even my precious white chocolate and salt and vinegar crisps haven't been touched since I got home

I've just been nibbling toast here and there

I know that this is a dangerous time

I acknowledge that

Now it's up to me not to let this setback turn in to a slip or a relapse

It's hard though 

Part of me would love to go running in to the arms of my ED

To just say f**k it

And throw myself head first down the rabbit hole

But I won't 

I can't 

I've come too far to throw it all away now

I mean

I'm in no danger of falling in to the underweight category just yet

It's more the behaviours

And the thinking at the moment  

Exit: I just bought a battery for my scale 

And weighed myself 

I've lost about 7 pounds

Just over three kilos

More than I had thought

But I am still very much in the healthy category

So I'm not going to worry just yet

I'm pretty sure that my weight hasn't settled at my set point yet

I'm also pretty sure that I have overshot my set point 

Which is pretty common I know

So I would actually like to settle some where a little less than I am now

But of course 

We all know

Where EDs and weight loss are concerned 

Sometimes it takes on a life of its own

And it feels like we are on a runaway train

With no way off

Anyway

Enough with what could happen

Let's talk about what is happening

Today is Monday of course

That is doctor day for me

He was surprisingly on time this morning

The first thing he said to me was

'So you weren't whisked away by a swarthy Arab?'

I said there was no fear of that

He said that he doesn't give advice 

But he does tell girls not to marry Muslims

I told him in fact they my auntie B had married a Muslim

Albeit a non practising one 

Who is one of the nicest men you could meet

He asked about my holiday

I told him some stories 

He told me they he is going to Poland tomorrow 

To visit his son

Who is studying medecine there

He also said he would start reducing the methadone when he got back

Ahem

No comment...

As I mentioned earlier 

I have my driving test tomorrow

Some how

I have managed to get to the grand ol' age of 34 without doing it before now

But it has finally caught up with me 

And tomorrow is the day

Today I have a two hour driving lesson

To cram in everything I need to know  before tomorrow

I'm not getting my hopes up

But I will do my best 

That's all I can do

I know I need to mind myself at the moment

I know that a relapse can creep up on you 

And then slam you between the eyes before you know what is happening

I'm not sure if it's a good or bad thing to weigh at the moment

I guess it's good to keep an eye on it

Without getting too engrossed with it 

I mean 

I'm sure I could be questioned as to whether I really am in recovery or not

I still purge 

Not very often 

But about 3-5 times a week

Not everyday 

But almost 

I'm not quite sure what that means

All I know 

Is that this is as good as it gets for me right now 

I am as free from my ED than I have ever been 

And with recovery and life

Comes complications 

Life is not a straight forward thing

There are many bends and bumps in the road 

Sometimes we even go backwards 

But the important thing is to keep going

To keep trying 

And fighting

To keep hoping 

And believing 

That there is a better life for us

God knows 

I know that when you are in the eye of the storm of an ED

Recovery seems nigh on impossible 

And it also seems to be something that happens to other people 

We might all have similar EDs

But each of us are unique 

And will recover in a way that might be different to someone else

I've been in treatment for my ED about five times 

And never once did I even complete the programme

Nevermind recover

I can remember being there 

And all my energy went in to resisting treatment 

And in fact 

I actually lost weight while there

How I managed to do that I do not know

But after five failed admissions

I've learned that recovering in that type of setting 

Just does not work for me 

Being surrounded by other sick and underweight people

For me 

Is not conducive to making positive changes 

I compare myself 

I let myself compete with these girls 

To be the thinnest and the sickest

It became a game 

Where the winner is the one closest to death

As we all know

Treating EDs is a tricky business

I would say doctors hate to see the likes of us coming 

They are just so complex

It takes much time

And energy

And endless support 

To help someone who is completely immersed in their ED

To even considering changing their thinking and behaviours

And to get them to gain weight?

Well that is the biggest challenge 

We may want to recover

But we may want to stay at a low body weight

And as we know 

That just doesn't work 

You can't have one without the other 

For me 

Recovery from home worked a lot better than a stint in treatment 

And as I often say

Sometimes it feels like it happened in spite of myself 

When I was very sick

One of the things that scared me the most was gaining weight

The only thing worse than being depressed and under weight

Was being depressed and of a healthy weight

Or worse again

Depressed and over weight

What I didn't bank on 

Was that as I gained weight 

My mood and my thinking began to shift 

I started to see the benefits of weight regain 

Of feeding my body

Of looking after myself 

And with this 

Other things began to change 

I stopped caring so much what the scale said 

What clothes size I was 

Numbers began to mean less and less

My confidence improved markedly 

I felt more comfortable in my own skin 

Soon the benefits of recovery 

Outweighed any benefits my ED had

Because my ED served a purpose at the time

I had to find other healthier ways to meet those needs 

That is a process of trial and error

But we each find what works for us

It's different for everyone 

I guess what I'm trying to say is 

That I know recovery can seem like a million miles away 

So completely out of reach 

But I think in fact it is closer than we think

I firmly believe that recovery is possible for each of us

No matter how complicated or serious the condition

It is possible to have a life beyond ED

The thing is that we have to do it ourselves 

No one can do it for us

No matter how much they love us

Or want to do it for us 

It has to come from the person 

You can love them

And support them 

To a point 

But change must come from a persons own motivation

I know at the beginning of my recovery from addiction

I did it for my family more than myself 

But that only got me so far

And over time

I had to start to do it for myself

Or else it just wouldn't work

I guess it could be argued 

That I am in fact not in recovery

I still abuse my meds

I don't go to meetings 

But as with my ED

This is as good as it gets for me at the moment

I function as best as I can

And most of the time 

I am well and free and content

I acknowledge that things could be a lot better

If I just put a little bit of effort in 

But I am not ready to make further changes yet 

In time 

I hope I will 

But for now

This is the way things are

So today 

This post is for you 

If you are struggling 

If your ED or addiction is getting the better of you

If you are underweight

Overweight 

Or somewhere in between 

If you can't even entertain the idea of recovery 

If it seems so far away that you can't even see it

This post is for you 

If you are depressed 

Anxious 

Afraid 

Paralysed with fear

If you want to check off this planet

If you can't stand the noise in your own head

If you can't see beyond the darkness of your own mind 

If you woke this morning 

And wished that you hadn't 

If you have slipped 

Or relapsed 

This is for you

If you are struggling with another mental illness 

If you are cross addicted 

If you are suicidal

If you don't even know what is wrong with you 

If you are alone 

Lonely

If you have no one to share your burden with

If you don't have the support you need 

If you are silently suffering 

Afraid to even utter what ails you

This is for you

If you take one thing from this post 

Then please take a little bit of hope 

I am a former heroin addict

Who suffers from anorexia/bulimia

I have battled depression and anxiety 

And suicidal ideation 

But I stand here before you today

Strong 

Able

Capable 

Positive 

I fought my way here

The odds were stacked against me

I didn't think that I would make it out alive 

Didn't think I'd see thirty

But the will to survive is a strong one

The will to live also 

And now I'm so glad that I did survive 

And am here to tell my story 

And hopefully help others 

I know that is my purpose now

Some people go to university to study

And become an expert in that field 

The only subject I know a lot about is eating disorders and addiction

I know them intimately 

And I know I have been spared in order to help others 

I wish I could give a little piece of what I feel to you all

But we all have to follow our own path 

My path is still continuing 

My recovery goes on

My life goes on

I am alive 

And free

And happy 

And I am eternally grateful for that