Struggling

I'm almost a week purge free

And that is great

Nothing short of a small miracle

But I have to be honest

It's not easy

Not one little bit

I'm trying to eat proper meals and snacks

I have one slice of toast in the morning

Maybe soup for lunch

And whatever is going for dinner

Usually 

I would eat a big portion

As it wouldn't be staying down 

So it didn't matter how much I ate

But now 

I have to be more mindful and more careful with my portions

And I must admit 

I have been avoiding carbs

As hey make me feel way too full

I guess that my stomach has shrunk over the years 

And now any amount of food is uncomfortable

I feel like I am eating 

But the food isn't going any where

It's just sitting in my gut 

Take yesterday for example 

We were having chips and fish fingers and beans for dinner

I had four fish fingers and a small portion of beans 

No chips 

As I knew they would fill me up completely 

Even though I only had a small portion for dinner 

The whole evening long I felt so full

So bloated 

And so uncomfortable 

This is exactly the reason why I purged so much 

Because I couldn't handle the full feeling

And now I am feeling full all day

It's doing my head in!

Last night 

I felt like I was losing the plot I was in so much discomfort 

My mother suggested that I drink some hot water and lemon

And use a hot water bottle 

The lemon drink did help

The discomfort subsided 

And it felt like the food was moving along

I went to bed early 

As I was wiped out

I woke up in the middle of the night 

And had the worlds longest wee

Then another one early morning

And another one when I got up

So I'm thinking that I was retaining water 

And the lemon drink helped my digestion

I knew this would happen 

I knew there would be a period of time when my body was readjusting to not making it purge several times a day

And I know it will settle down 

When my body gets used to having food inside it 

I just need to be patient 

And ride it out

They say it takes 21 days to make or break a habit 

I am almost one third of the way there 

I have had horrendous cravings to purge 

To get the food out of my stomach 

To feel empty

But I am determined not to purge 

I have very valid reasons too

I want to keep my teeth in good shape 

I don't want to get an infection in my lip

I can't afford to keep up with the amount of food I was eating 

And for my general health and 

Well being 

Not to mention the freedom and peace of mind that comes with a life without bulimia/anorexia

It's just not worth it 

And as for my weight

I'm just going to have to suck thTttttat up too

I just can't wait for the bloating to subside 

I feel like I am full of air

Like if you stuck a pin in me

I would deflate and fly around the room like a balloon 

I just hope this passes soon 

I can't take much more......