I is for Identity

I was another tricky customer

But after giving it some thought

I decided to go with Identity 

As it's something that comes up for me again and again

In my illness

And in recovery 

When I was very unwell

My whole persona revolved around both my addiction and my ED

From the age of 18

I was Ruby the drug addict

And that's a label that's hard to shake 

As along with that come the labels of liar, thief, manipulator 

They say a reputation takes years to form

But only seconds to undo

I had a reputation of being trouble

And boy did I live up to it 

Somewhere along the line

My ED began to develop

And it wasn't long until I had acquired a new label

Anorectic 

Quickly followed by bulimic

In a strange way

Once you are labelled with these titles

You feel like you have to live up to them

I knew nothing about eating disorders before I was diagnosed

I had never known anyone with one 

I had no experience at all 

My diagnosis was a complete shock 

I wasn't trying to lose weight 

I wasn't unhappy with my size

In fact more than that 

I never gave it much thought 

It wasn't until the professionals started weighing me 

That I began to take notice of the numbers 

They seemed important to them

So they became important to me

And have been the Bain of my life ever since 

After my diagnosis 

I completely identified myself by my illness 

I was no longer Ruby 

I was Ruby the sick one

And when you are sick 

People are generally very nice to you 

Very caring 

You get a special kind of attention

I know it might not be popular to say that 

But for me 

It was the truth 

I used to get a kick out people telling me that I looked unwell

That I looked pale and wan

I almost wanted people to feel sorry for me 

Why?

I'm not entirely sure 

But I do know

That once you become the sick one 

It's really very difficult to shake that label

Because being sick becomes your whole world 

If it's taken away 

What will be left?

And that's exactly what terrified me

Who would I be without my illness?

It was like my ED slowly but surely taking over my life 

My personality

My body

And without it 

I had nothing 

There comes a point in life 

When you either sink or swim

I came to that point about two years ago  

After I got out of hospital for the umpteenth time

I had to make the decision 

To recover 

Or sink further down the rabbit hole

I began to gain weight 

And get well 

It hasn't been a straight road since then 

I've been up and down and all over the place 

And had a minor relapse last year 

But 

I bounced back 

And continue to bounce back

There was a time 

Not too long ago 

That I did nothing of a day 

Apart from binge and purge 

All I did was watch TV all day 

And eat 

And throw up

I had nothing going on in my life 

No job 

No course 

No hobbies 

No interests 

It was just me and my ED

But over the last year 

I have carved out a life for myself 

Now I have a life 

I am no longer Ruby the anorectic 

I am Ruby the woman

Ruby the daughter 

Sister 

Auntie 

Dog owner

Horse rider 

Ruby the dancer 

The swimmer 

Ruby the recovering addict and anorectic 

I am

Now I am so much more than my illness 

My illness has faded in to the background 

And I  starting to live 

And love

My life