On my mind....

Wednesday has been on my mind a lot this week

As in the day I brought my nephew horse riding 

He is great 

He is very independent 

And very much amused himself 

So I went and had a cuppa with Eilis who owns the place 

And another French girl

The three of us were sitting up in the spectating area

Watching the kids ride 

Eilis and Lara were talking ten to the dozen 

And having a great laugh

I however 

Felt like a spare wheel

Like I was crippled with self consciousness 

And couldn't contribute to the conversation at all

I'm just really not good at that kind of thing 

And I withdraw very quickly if I feel at all uncomfortable 

I was struck how these two girls were so comfortable just to be themselves 

Granted 

They are older than me

And probably haven't had to deal with an opiate addiction or an ED

Maybe their lives have been a bit more straight forward than mine 

I'm sure they have had struggles in their lives 

Everyone has 

But from their personalities 

And their confidence 

I can tell they have lived a successful life 

I was just dying to get to help with the horses 

But they had so many helpers 

That Oisin and I were hardly needed at all 

But 

We helped where we could leading the horses 

Helping with lunch for the kids 

Tried to calm them down when they were bouncing off the walls

And drying their tears when they inevitably knocked a head or an arm or a foot 

Or a willy in one little boys case! 

I just felt so awkward and out of place 

Like I didn't fit in 

And was paralysed with fear and anxiety 

I hate being like that

I hate feeling uncomfortable 

And in turn making others feel uncomfortable 

I remember I was at a meeting once

This girl was speaking 

And she was saying how through working the programme 

She could walk in to a room full of people anywhere in the world

And feel comfortable to be herself 

I find that I mirror people back to themselves

If you are quiet 

I'll be quiet too

And if you are more outgoing 

I will try to be too

I guess I just haven't found my own little way yet 

I'm still learning who I am 

What I'm about 

What my opinions and views are

What makes me tick

What I am passionate about 

What angers me

My likes and dislikes 

This is all new to me 

I am new to me

But that's ok 

I am going through growing pains 

Albeit a little later than most people 

But I will get there 

Eventually 

I just really want to build up my confidence and self esteem

And feel ok to be me

As I have often said 

I've had to fight tooth and nail to get to the point where most people start off

It's not easy 

Staying clean and sober 

Managing an ED

It's an effort every single day

But it does get easier 

It definitely does 

And I am in it for the long haul

Oh yes

My ass is committed to this 

I guess we don't always see progress on ourselves 

I see it in others 

I see them grow in to beautiful young men and women 

But we don't see it in ourselves 

I definitely don't see it in myself 

I just have to trust that it is happening 

Whether I notice it or not 

I found another course that I am interested 

It's running in the local women's centre 

Communications and IT 

It's a year long 

And starts next month

Two afternoons a week 

Which is perfect for me 

As I could fit in all my other things around that 

I rang yesterday 

And out my name down 

Now I have a decision I need to make 

Go ahead with the job

Or concentrate on learning and furthering my education 

It's hard to know which one to choose 

As both would be great for me

I guess it's time to do a good ol' fashioned pros and cons list

And see which one comes out on top

But you know what?

It's great to be in a position where I can choose 

It wasn't so long ago that I had no options at all

So that my friends, is progress 

I have a little time to sort this out

I will chat  with my family

And try to figure this out

Suggestions and thoughts are welcome

I need all the help I can get....