29 Part 2

Apologies that the last two posts have been a bit all over the place
For some reason blogger won't let me go back and edit them
So Part 1 ends very abruptly
But I will try and pick up where I left off
So yes
I'm in the supermarket
Picking up anything that looks good
Bread
Ham
Relish
Crisps
Chocolate
Pasta
Pizza
Biscuits
Peanuts
And of course a big bottle of 7up
All the easier to purge with my dear
There is no rhyme or reason
It's a shopping frenzy
I'm craving both savoury and sweet in equal amounts
Then I head to the check out
Although I have been known to walk straight out of the shop without paying
But I haven't done that in a long time thankfully
Being caught tends to cop you on
My food could cost anything up to €50
Which is a lot if you're buying this every day
I pack all my shopping
And head for home
I drive at break neck speed
I can't wait to get home and dive head first in to a messy, tasty full on, mo holds barred binge
I plan what I'm going to eat in what order
I get home and immediately get a big pot of pasta on
While it's cooking
I break open the peanuts
And literally inhale them
Barely even chewing them
I get area in my living room ready
I sit on the floor
So I put newspaper down
Bring in salt and pepper
And a pint glass of 7up
I find a good show to watch
And I am good to go
I Hoover up the pasta
With gulps of 7up
I eat much more than I am comfortable with
As I know it won't be staying down for long
As soon as the food is devoured
I'm always on the way down to the bathroom
Lock the door
Tie my hair back
Roll up my sleeves
Now over the toilet bowel
I barely have to use my fingers
As the food heaves it's way back up
After the deed is done
I clean myself and anything else that needs it
And head back up for round two
The day goes on like this
A constant, relentless march from the kitchen to the living room to the bathroom
The food goes down
Then comes back up
Again
And again
And again
This is the life of a bulimic
A binge is defined so by its secretive nature
And like any addict worth their salt
You become adept at mastering your crime
This is the reality of an eating disorder
It's messy
It's disgusting
It brings you to your rock bottom
I can't even tell you how I got out of that cycle
As I'm not even fully sure myself
But I got out
I was lucky
I can't even imagine having the energy or the stamina to do that now
And it all just seems like a dreadful waste of time, money and energy
I am so glad to have made it out the other side
That life was killing me slowly
Now I am living
I eat to live
I don't live to eat
I will be ok
And so will you....

29 Part 1

It's that funny time of the holidays
The days in between Christmas and New Years
When you don't know what day it is
What time it is
When time ceases  to have any meaning
I'm off school until next Tuesday
So I still have a few more days off
My best friend  called out yesterday
Fintan
I met him through horse therapy
Back in March of this year
We clicked
And have become firm friends since
So he called out to me yesterday
We had lunch with my parents
Then for a walk on the beach
We talked
We laughed
Me took selfies
And laughed at the results
He knows that I am trying to make a decision about whether to continue my course or not
And he hasn't said it outright
But from what I can gather
He doesn't think I should be paying the price of my health for my course
And it is suffering
I'm a ball of anxiety
Which in turn is giving me severe attacks of diarrhoea
Which is draining me physically And mentally
So I decided to see what other options were open to me
And rang a stables near to my house
And asked about doing lessons
As well as learning about the care of horses
And stable and yard management
Which is all possible
She said if she finds me useful she will keep me around
I also have the option of going back to horse therapy
And they are actually starting a course about horse husbandry too
So there are a few options
I can't lie
The thought of going back to school fills me with dread
The only thing keeping me there is the horses
If there was no horse riding on this course
There is not a hope in hell I would be doing it
That says it all I think
Anyway
I have it talked to death
So I am going to stop writing about it too

In other news
I was in my local supermarket this morning
I was stocking up on dog supplies
And was at the self service check out
When I hear someone say 'Hello stranger'
I looked up
And saw a girl that I haven't seen in years
I know her through recovery
As she had very similar issues to me
With food, alcohol and drugs
I gave  her a huge hug
And we stood and chatted for a while
The last time I saw her
She had relapsed back in to her ED
And was not in a good place
But today
I was delighted to hear that she is now back on track
When we were friendly
We used to go to meetings together
Including food meetings
This girl was on a food plan
Where she weighed and measured all her  food
And completely cut out sugar, wheat and flour
I always thought it was extreme
And didn't even attempt to try it
So this girl moved 5 hours away
To go to treatment
And is now. Training to be a personal trainer
I was delighted to see her
And to see her doing so well
We talked about the madness of our EDs
And it really was pure insanity
It got me thinking about my own eating disorder
And the black hole I was in I can remember two years ago
When I was on the endless fucked up ride that is bulimia
I swear
I don't know how I did it
Back then
This is how my day went
Wake up with a food hangover
Use the loo
Strip
Weigh myself
And measured my self hatred by the number that flashed in front of me
Then
Cup of tea and a smoke
And I would see what kind of food I was craving that day
Check the cupboards
And make a mental list of what foods I needed to buy
Then I would jump in my car with the dogs
And head to the beach
Walks were not enjoyable
I often became weak and dizzy
And had to sit down to gather my strength
Walk over
I headed to the supwrmar
And make a mental list of what food I needed to buy
Then I'd jump in my car with my dogs
And head for the beach
Walks were not enjoyable
As I regularly felt dizzy and weak
And often had to sit to gather my strength
After that I would head to the supermarket
Hunger is the best sauce
I would grab a basket
And begin throwing food in to it
Bread
Ham
Relish

27

And so Christmas came and went
Just like any other day
It was fine
Quiet
I got a lovely pair of boots
Socks
And my neighbour got me a selfie stick which I thought was comical
As she is 77
I don't stress about the food part anymore
I don't eat any more than normal
And there is only so much chocolate and rich food I can take
I ate my Christmas dinner
But did not keep it down
Yes
My old nemesis bulimia still rears her ugly head from time to time
But
As I always say
It's about progress not perfection
And I am doing a hell of a a lot better than I was doing last Christmas
Forty pounds lighter and in that horrible binge purge cycle
So I guess I have had my one year recovery anniversary
Which is pretty cool!
I'm also using the break to take stock
And figure out whether to continue my course or not
It's not an easy decision as you can imagine
There many pros and cons to both sides
I mean is it really worth putting myself through so much hurt and anxiety?
Battling crippling low esteem and confidence
But having said that
I love the course
And I'm always on a high when I do a successful day at school
I guess it's. it the end of the world if I do give it up
I can go back to horse therapy
I can do private lessons
I can help out the horsey people in my area
Whatever happens
I know one thing for sure
I will be involved with horses one way or another
I've fallen for them hard
And just try taking that away from me
So I guess I need to make a decision
I'm supposed to be back to school next Tuesday
So I have a lot of thinking to do
Although it's not going to be easy
There's a lot about the course that is great
I have structure to my day
I spend time with my school friends
And of course I get to do three lessons a week
As well as be around horses for two days a week
It's a lot to give up
My tutor emailed me last Friday
A list of things I had achieved since starting the course
It was quite impressive
And it was so lovely of her to do that
She has been a great support
She also mentioned that I could take extended leave in the new year if I need to
It's great that I have so much support
It makes things so much more bearable
Anyway
I will keep you updated

In other news
I was on the phone the other day
In my Mams room
And there was a weighing scales on the floor
I stood on it with one foot
And it gave me an incredibly high number
I panicked
And decided to weigh myself properly
So I waited until this morning
Stripped to my birthday suit
And stepped on
The number was much lower than last night
Thank you Lord
So my BMI is about 20 - 21
Which is just fine with me
Crisis averted

How was your Christmas?

Christmas

I love the build up to Christmas
I love the music
The lights
The atmosphere
The way people are jolly and friendly
And everyone gives generously to good causes
There is a storm here today
We were supposed to be going in to town for lunch
But the weather is so bad we had to cancel
I don't mind though
Going out to eat is not really my idea of fun
I associate restaurants with stress and anxiety
And purging can be a problem too
So I tend to avoid such occasions
And anyway
It's nice to stay indoors when the weather is wild

I don't know if I wrote about it already
But I spoke to my doctor last week
About the fact that I was misusing my meds
In order to deal with anxiety
His response was to increase my methadone by 10mls
And my olanzapine to 15mg
He also put me on daily dispensing
So I had to go in to the chemist every day
And be supervised taking it
It actually really helped
Because I had the correct amount every day
My doctor also reduced my methadone every couple of days m
To try and get me back down to my original dose
So this weewôk has been tough
I took the week off  school
My tutor texted me
To let me know that I can take extended leave if I need to in January if I am still
Struggling
She also said something lovely to me
That I well liked
And I am a positive influence in the group
It made my day to hear that
It's the little things
I just need to make a decision
Either I am doing this course and I throw myself into it
Or I cut my losses
And go back to horse therapy
I was speaking with my best friend last night
And I was telling him how nice it was to have the Christmas break
That I felt a weight had been lifted
He said that it shouldn't be this hard
And that the course may be doing me more harm than good
I don't know but what I do know is I can't go on like this
Driving myself and everyone around me nuts
So I will make a decision before the break ends

Anyway
In the mean time
I will do my best to enjoy the holidays
And try to pass as a sane and normal human lol
Take care of

So this is Christmas....

I wanted to take this opportunity
To wish you my blogger friends
A very happy and peaceful
And a fantastic new year
Christmas has really crept up on us this year
It's hard to believe that another year is coming to an end
It's been an interesting year to say the least
But a really good one
I also wanted to say thank you
To each and every one of you
For your friendship
Your kindness
Your understanding
Your kind words
Your love and positivity
It is much appreciated
And means more than you know
I know that a lot of you are struggling at the moment
And Christmas will not be an enjoyable time for many
Some are struggling with depression or anxiety
Some are dreading the holidays and the emphasis on food
At the end of the day
It's just another day
And we will get through it
We've got through them all so far
We will be ok

I was speaking to my tutor today
And she told me that I can take some extended time off if I need to
I'm hoping it won't come to that
And I'll get back on track before the next term starts
I'm not giving up
I refuse to give up
I am doing my level best
I am trying and fighting every single day
I'm going to try and sort my head out over the Christmas break
And not beat myself up in the mean time
I'm going to give myself a break
Highlight the positive
And discard the negative

So
Happy Christmas to you
And your family
Wherever you are
Whether you are struggling
Or are in recovery
If you are lonely
Sad depressed
Anxious
If you are in a good place
Or a bad place
If you choose not celebrate Christmas
This is for you
You
Matter
You are important
You are precious
You are the only you there is
You are irreplaceable
You are unique
You are loved...

1,116

I happened to check my blog statistics this morning
Just out of couriosity
And I was very surprised to see that this humble little blog of mine had a total of 1,116 hits yesterday
Now
I'm not entirely sure what my daily average is
As I don't check my statistics too often
But this number struck me as pretty high
Especially given how quiet blogger has been lately
And how erratic my posting has been
Don't get me wrong
I'm not complaining
I'm just wondering if this number is correct
I'm also wondering about you and your blog
Do you check your statistics regularly?
What is your average daily reading?
I'm interested to see how many people are in fact reading our blogs
So yes
If you would check your statistics and get back to me
I would really appreciate it
Thanks in advance!
Proper update to follow in the next couple of days ...

A is for anxiety...

 For the last few weeks 

I've been struggling with crippling anxiety 

It's effecting everything 

My sleep

My mood 

My eating 

My energy levels 

Pretty much everything 

Mornings are my worst time of the day

I wake up 

Start to get ready for school

Then I start thinking

And get in to an argument with myself 

About whether to go in or not 

I feel a sense of dread 

Of impending doom 

Then I get diarrhoea

And I begin to panic 

This week 

I only went in two days 

The other days I stayed home 

I was annoyed with myself for not going in

And am generally being very hard on myself 

I've spoken to my doctor 

And the only suggestion he made was to get up earlier

???

He just doesn't get it 

He treats the medical issue 

I guess I need to be talking to someone who understands 

Yesterday 

Out of sheer desperation 

I put a call out on Facebook

To ask people for ideas, suggestions 

Anything that might help me get through the day

I had a huge response 

And was blown away by how many people reached out 

A few people who I used to use drugs with contacted me 

They had also experienced addiction and mental health issues 

It just goes to show 

The fallout from drug abuse years later 

If I knew then what I know now 

Life would surely look very differently 

But hey 

It is what it is 

So 

I had to make a decision 

Either continue my course and keep trying 

Or cut my losses 

And walk away from it 

Usually now is when I quit 

When things become tough 

But the stubbornness inside me is stopping me 

It would be easier if I didn't love my course so much 

At least then it would a no brainer

And easier to give up

But because I love it so much 

I want to figure out a way of dealing with this 

One way or another 

And look 

I've come through tougher stuff than this

I am truly blessed though 

To have an amazingly strong family around 

And brilliant friends 

Who continue to have my back.

So no

I'm not giving up 

Not just yet 

My tutor rang me yesterday 

To see how things were 

She told me that one of the girls has been exited from the course 

I guess that is a polite way of saying her ass was kicked off the course 

Because she has missed so much time 

I then panicked that the same would happen to me 

But my tutor assured me that because I had kept in close contact with staff

This other girl wasn't answering her phone 

So I got a doctors cert for this week

And I will start again afresh this Monday 

Day by day 

Step by step 

That's the way I'm going to do it 

No pressure 

No stress 

Done is better than perfect 

This month 

I celebrate one year in my recovery from anorexia and bulimia 

This time last year I made the decision to cyhoose life 

Rather than death 

Because that's what living with an ED is like 

It's a slow and tedious death 

As you literally starve yourself to death 

I am one of the lucky ones 

I made it out relatively unscathed 

I made it out alive!

Not everyone does 

This month last year I final had enough  

And started on this journey that we call recovery 

But it didn't have to be the new year 

That's just the way it happened for me 

Really and truly 

You can start your recovery at any time

And day

Any month 

As long as you choose  it at some point 

Ok friends 

I'm going to leave it at that for today

I posted my Christmas cards today 

So you should get them soon

Take care 

And look after each other

See you on the next post... 

Hanging on

I'm here 

I'm still here 

Even though I've been using Facebook more than blogger recently 

As it's quick and easy

And when I have zero energy after a day in school

I don't feel like writing a whole big spiel 

So 

When I last left you

I had taken some time off school due to a funny tummy caused by anxiety

I really was struggling 

And I took about four days off

I went back this week

Although I missed today due to bad weather and icy conditions

But it's great to be back 

I missed my course 

My school friends 

The horses 

Yesterday I got to ride for the first time in a couple of weeks 

In the morning I was on Blue 

My little white friend 

We are pretty good buddies by this stage 

I spend time grooming him 

Tacking him up

He has a bad habit 

Which is called wind sucking 

Which means he bites on to his feeding trough

Arches his neck 

And sucks in the air

Apparently 

It releases a rush of endorphins 

And the horse gets addicted to it

I was telling my Mam about this yesterday 

And she said

'Ruby, trust you to get one horse who is a drug addict!'

Oh how we laughed 

It is funny though 

I try the distract Blue from the wind sucking 

But he is one determined boy

It's no secret in the yard that Blue is lazy 

He's also very small

And his trot is so neat 

If very slow 

And his canter 

Well when I can get him to canter 

It's just adorable 

He's like a little toy horse 

Yes 

I'm developing a real sense soft spot for Blue 

In the lesson 

Blue was just not feeling it 

He was barely conscious 

Never mind awake 

And he just flat refused to canter for me 

But anyway 

I love him all the same 

In the afternoon 

I was on Bambi 

Who is just a joy 

And beautiful to boot 

Feistier than Blue 

She is pretty from head to tail 

And boy does she know it 

She is a lot more responsive 

So where as with Blue 

I've to give him a good kick to get going 

With Bambi 

She just needs a squeeze 

And a tap of the stick to canter

Yesterday 

In our individual exercise 

We had to canter twice around the arena 

Which meant passing out the rest of the ride 

Blue was so funny 

When he had done one circuit 

He just slotted in behind Nikon

And in front of Jigsaw 

So nearly and perfectly 

I got Bambi to do it though 

Eventually 

I've been getting a lot of support since this anxiety has taken over 

I spoke to my tutor 

I'm seeing Mary again for a few weeks 

And I also have been seeing my school counsellor 

As well as help from my family and friends 

I am truly blessed to have so many good people in my life 

And it just makes life that bit easier 

Anxiety really is a silent assassin 

To the outsider 

It's not detectable 

But in my head 

There is a whirlwind going on

Thoughts and more thoughts 

Thinking and over thinking 

It's relentless negativity 

For me 

It leads to rash and impulsive actions 

Doing things without thinking them through

It also goes hand in hand with insecurity 

Low confidence 

Low self esteem 

And perfectionism 

The bottom line being that I think I'm a bad person 

And just not good enough

One of my tutors has been great 

She is our horsemanship tutor 

So she does horse theory with us on a Wednesday 

And come new out to the stables with us the following couple of days 

She gave me a ring on Tuesday 

To see how I was doing 

I was feeling pretty low 

And she told me some things that really helped 

She said my horse riding was one of the best in the group

And that I am really liked within the group

That I am a positive influence 

I can't tell you the lift it gave me to hear this 

I always felt like the dunce in horse riding 

That I did everything wrong 

I also thought people didn't like me at all

So to hear that I am very much liked is so reassuring 

I'm becoming aware that I need a lot of affirmation 

That I don't trust my own judgement as far as how I'm doing 

I'm sure that's ok

But I need to be able to assure myself 

Without getting it from others 

I'm hoping that doing this course will boost my confidence 

And I will start to see myself in a more positive light 

I mean I'm doing my best 

I really am 

Learning does not come easy to me

And I really need to work on it 

Especially around the theory 

I have an IT exam coming up too

I had the choice to take it before Christmas or after 

I'm think I'm going to take it after 

Just to give myself that extra bit of time 

I've also started studying in the evenings 

Just to go over stuff

And get it in to my head 

I'm feeling a lot better now 

And am optimistic about continuing my course 

I love it

I am in my element learning about horses 

I guess the dream is to own my own pony or horse

That would be in my wildest dreams 

I'm think it's possible 

It could happen 

And this course is perfect for learning all I need to know

I must say 

The course is fantastic 

The tutors 

The way it's run 

The course content 

It's very comprehensive

And gives a great foundation for learning about horses

I love it so much 

In other news 

Christmas is fast approaching 

I usually love it 

But this year in just not feeling it

So far anyway 

It's supposed to be the best time of year 

But of course it doesn't always happen that way 

It can often be a really stressful time 

I know many of my Christmases growing up were ruined by addiction

People drinking too much 

Fights 

Family rows 

Bust ups and breakdowns 

Absolute disasters 

Thankfully 

Our house is an alcohol free zone 

Anyone who comes here knows the score 

I really don't miss drinking 

I don't miss it at all

Especially the hAngovers 

When I drank at my staff party in the summer 

It took me days to recover 

The come down was horrific 

The fear 

The shame about what you did and said the night before 

The stupid things I did that seemed like a good idea at the time 

No 

I enjoy my sobriety far more than that 

It is precious 

Christmas makes me feel very grateful for what I have 

A lovely comfortable house to live in 

A dry clean bed to sleep in 

Clothes on my back

Food in my fridge 

A loving and strong family around me

Two beautiful dogs at my feet 

Who I love beyond words 

Friends that I cherish 

A course that I love 

And a feeling of contentment that I don't think I have felt before 

What is important has changed radically for me this year 

This time last year I was relapsing 

Losing weight 

Not to mention my mind 

Controlling my weight was my priority 

I thought about it morning til night

Now I rarely think about it 

I don't weigh myself 

I have no idea what I weigh 

Android I don't want to know 

My clothes fit 

I feel strong and healthy 

My hair and nails and skin are in good condition 

And even if I did gain a little weight 

It's not the end of the world 

In the scheme of things 

It's not really important 

I don't know what  the turning point for me was 

I guess it was a couple of things 

Feeling sick and tired of feeling sick and tired 

Just having enough 

Realising that my ED was making me feel utterly miserable 

The fact that my body and mind could take no more 

Then I started horse riding 

And that helped me more than I can ever describe 

For me 

It was so important to fill the hole that my ED left 

With something positive 

And horse riding is that something positive 

Since I started equine assisted therapy back in March 

I'm have fallen in love with everything horsey 

I just can't get enough of it 

I am learning that it is so important to have a raisin d'être 

A reason to get up in the morning 

A purpose 

Something that warms your heart 

Your spirit 

Your soul 

It's amazing to be able to say it 

But I feel happy 

For the first time in my life 

I actually feel happy 

I hope my story will give others hope

I got through six years of drug addiction

And 15 years of disordered eating 

With all sorts of other little addictions along the way 

There is life after these issues 

I am walking talking proof of that 

So whatever you do

Never give up hope 

As long as we are breathing 

There is hope 

Below are some photos of my time during equine assisted therapy...