Work, worries and a tough time

I bring you this post a very sad Ruby

Sad about nothing 

And everything

Where to start?

I started work last week

I am undecided as to how it is going 

All I know is that I've been fighting back tears recently 

I feel like I could fall apart at any moment 

Crumble to dust and blow away with the wind

Work is a welcome distraction

But I honestly don't know if I'm going to get through the summer without a major meltdown 

Also 

My car has been giving me so much trouble 

It's been in and out of the garage 

And no joy

I've thrown money at the problem which hasn't worked

It wouldn't start again today 

And it now sits over in the car hospital 

But I am doubtful she will pull through 

It might be time to cut my losses and change it

It's incredibly frustrating having an unreliable car

As well as that 

I've just been feeling pretty low

Like my life is going no where 

I called over to Coco today 

After not seeing him for a few days 

and I swear he was pissed off at me

He was pushy to the point of being aggressive 

It was like he didn't know me at all

Quite upsetting 

But I am assured by people in the know that he's entitled to be pissed off just like we are 

Also he could have picked up on my negative feelings I guess

But his owner is being a right difficult person to deal with

I really feel like people think that because I am quiet and gentle 

That I am a soft touch

And people can take advantage of me

I really need to learn to assert myself 

As it's no fun being a door mat

And then there is the chance that I will let all this tension build up and lose the head completely 

So I am trying to remain calm and collected 

It's not easy let me tell you 

For the last couple of months 

I've been really struggling with horse riding 

I've been getting really tired and really out of breath 

Which makes it not very enjoyable 

So I told my doctor 

Who did blood tests

The results came back that I had low iron 

Low vitamin B12

And low Folic acid

Anaemia in other words 

So I've been taking supplements and tonics 

Today I went horse riding 

And I was like a different girl 

I trotted and cantered around that arena no bother to me 

I thoroughly enjoyed it 

And didn't want it to end 

She didn't let me jump again today 

As she wants to take things slow 

Which is probably sensible 

But on the way back 

I was in the car with Fintan 

And I couldn't hold back the tears 

Even though I had a great lesson

I just felt overcome with sadness and hopelessness

Like my life was crumbling around me

I spoke to mother who was great as always 

She reminded me that I have come through far worse than this 

She looked me dead in the eye and told me with such conviction that I will be ok

I 

Will

Be 

Ok

I know I will be

But right now I am feeling low

and I have to acknowledge that

Of course my appetite is being affected by all this stress 

But I am doing my best to stay well in that department 

And God only knows how much I would love a cigarette right about now

He honestly don't know if this job is too much stress for me

I do like it 

But I worry about what people think of me

My co workers 

My manager 

The guests

There is a 16 year old working there too

And she was given a tip yesterday

Right in front of me 

Which really knocked my confidence

I've actually been thinking that I'm too sensitive 

Too delicate and fragile for the real world

I bruise so easily 

And can't help but feel like the class dunce 

My manager asked me how I was getting on so far 

I told her the truth 

She said I had no reason to worry 

That I was a breath of fresh air

That helped 

But only temporarily 

My confidence 

My self esteem

My ego

Has taken a few knocks recently 

And I don't know whether to plough ahead with work and ignore the issue 

Or leave and concentrate on getting well again

I feel tired 

I feel run down and knocked over by life

I just want to get in to bed and stay there forever

As well as all of that 

I don't know if I write about it 

But recently my Dad was diagnosed with Motor Neuron Disease

As you know 

My parents are separated 

And my Dad lives alone about 90 minutes away

He stays with us a good bit 

But his team want him to make a decision as to where he is going to live permanently

So they can adapt the house for him

It looks like he is going to move in here 

Which brings up a lot

My parents didn't separate because they had a happy marriage 

They split up almost twenty years ago

And we all moved here 

We left our home town for a fresh start 

And to put some distance between ourselves and him

Now we are going to be living together again

And let me tell you

It's. it easy 

My Dad is becoming very frail

He lives in his own little world 

Almost like he's regressed to being a child again

So this is a big change

A massive challenge

We are coping by taking each day as it comes

That's all we can do

But yes

I feel very low

And would only love up run in to the arms of anorexia, bulimia, heroin

Or even a cigarette

Something to just get out of my own head

And have a bit of peace

But look

I will be ok

I'm not ok right now 

But I will be

So many things have run through my head this week

I can go from zero to suicidal at top speed 

My life is not hard compared to some people 

But I have come through a lot

and sometimes I feel so tired of life 

So weary 

Like I've lived ten lives already 

But what can I do only keep going 

Keep putting one foot in front of the other

And keep fighting

As my Mam said 

I've weathered bigger storms than this 

I'm made of strong stuff

I will be ok...