Work

Some how

It is May

Summer is just around the corner

I seem to have blinked and missed spring

Work starts next week

And I am beyond anxious

I am terrified

No exaggeration 

I've been counting down the days 

Willing myself to find the courage to press on

I'm not entirely sure why I'm in such a bad way about it all

I don't remember feeling this way last year

But I was a newbie then

This year I am wondering if more will be expected of me because I was there last summer

And I'm putting huge pressure on myself

So let's break it down 

Why am I so bloody anxious?

There are many reasons 

I've gained weight

What will people think?

What if I fuck up?

What if I can't handle it and I curl up in to a ball right there in the middle of the centre?

What if I lose my confidence and become paralysed with fear?

What if I forget to do something like turn off the gas and I burn the place down?

I swear 

I could go on like this all day long 

Inventing anxiety provoking situations 

The thing is 

Historically 

I have enjoyed this work 

The people 

The guests 

The buzz of a working kitchen

The banter 

Or the craic as we say here in Ireland

I had come to the point where I thought I wouldn't be able to do this

That I would have to pull out retreat to a dark room to lick my wounds 

But then today 

I got a phone call

It was Mary 

She had some great news about more people being trained to work in the ED services in this area

She also won an award for the fantastic work she does

I told Mary about my impending job and the overwhelming anxiety and fear

She was her usual calm self 

Reminded me that I am more than capable 

To take deep breathes 

To be kind to myself 

After a short conversation

I felt a whole lot better 

Suddenly I had an injection of self belief straight innto my jugular 

Suddenly work didn't seem so scary 

Because in all reality 

It's only for three months 

It's not rocket science 

It's hard work 

But it's not complicated 

I feel able to do it 

I want to do it

I can do it 

I will do it 

In other news 

I was horse riding yesterday 

My trainer has taken it easy on me the last couple of weeks 

After the fall off Coco 

No jumping which was disappointing 

But I know I will get back there 

I am always in such a rush to get everywhere 

Always ten steps ahead of myself 

I do not possess the virtue of patience

Not at all 

Coco is doing great 

He is thriving in the good weather 

And fresh grass

It's now been four month since I started visiting him

He is coming on so well

Back in January 

He was a scared and lonely pony

Now he is confident and cheeky 

And full of fun

He has found a friend in Lea 

He lives her so much and follows her everywhere bless him

Now Coco wears his head collar with pride 

Walks with a lead rope 

And picks up his feet

Which is great as the farrier is coming saturday to do his hooves

I am trying to post photos 

But the app won't let me for some reason

Honey and Lea are good 

Lea is going a bit deaf which is sad 

But she is a happy wee thing

Honey now calls over to my neighbour looking for food 

Which is so funny as she walks around lily she owns the place

Anyway

Just a short post for a quick update 

See you on the flip side...