The first step is always the hardest...

It's Saturday evening

And I'm chillin out at home

My first week of work is over

And I now have a few days off which is nice

Work went better than expected 

And even though I had my doubts

I think I will get through the summer ok

Getting my first pay cheque helped massively 

Even if I did have to hand it all over to a mechanic

My car is fixed for now 

So hopefully it goes for me for another while 

My Mam goes away on Monday for a week

So I will be here alone with my Dad

He needs a lot of help now 

His hands are all but useless 

Making pretty much everything nigh on impossible 

From buttons to forks to drinking a cup of tea

Patience of a saint is required 

But we manage 

In other news 

I was scrolling through Facebook yesterday 

And in my friends you might know 

I saw a photo of an extremely evacuated girl 

And from doing a bit of snooping 

I discovered she has anorexia 

And also writes a blog

Being a good while in to my recovery 

The feelings I felt looking at this photo were ones of empathy and compassion

I felt no trigger

No desire to be like her 

No immediate plan to lose weight 

I felt sorry for her

Because her body is vocalising what she can't say

My thoughts then turned to myself 

I have no idea what I weigh right now

And have no desire to know

My body shape has changed a lot over the last year 

I've gone from being a petit little girl

To a curvy and shapely woman 

A lot of my clothes don't fit me now

And I'm having to buy new ones

In new sizes too

I caking very easily lose my shit over my weight gain

And a year  ago I could not have handled this at all

But today 

Well today I am ok with my weight

I've decided that I have three options with my weight 

I can change it

I can ignore it

Or I can accept it

I've decided to accept it

As really 

In the grand scheme of things 

What's a few pounds here and there 

The people in my life who love me don't care what I weigh 

And those who do care and judge my weight are not real friends 

I'm pretty sure that this is the highest weight I've ever been

I have boobs galore 

And a booty you could eat your dinner off

And you know what?

I am perfectly ok with that 

I am a firm believer in rocking what you've got 

And at the moment I have curves 

So instead of covering them in tent like clothes 

I am going to dress them to highlight them

Accentuate the positive and all that

Skinny No longer holds any glamour or wonder for me

Skinny is fine 

But so is curvy

It's more than fine 

It's sexy

It's unique 

It's attractive 

And for the first time probably ever in my life 

I feel ok in my skin

Now don't get me wrong 

I have plenty of days when I feel like I want to take a hatchet to my body 

I have days when I despair that none of my beautiful clothes no longer fit me

But 

They are just clothes 

They are replaceable 

It's not a big deal

The great thing about diversity is how individual you can be

I spent quite a while hiding my new body in blankets of fabric

Now I have decided to embrace my curves

To show off rather than camouflage 

And there is one more thing about body image that money can't buy 

And that is confidence 

Confidence 

No matter what you wear 

Or what you look like 

If you have confidence 

If you act like you don't care 

If you rock what you've got and then some 

Then that is extremely attractive 

So yes 

One thing I've learned 

Is that the size of your body has absolutely categorically nothing to do with your happiness

I thought when I reached a certain weight I would be happy 

What a load of old shit

All that happened was that instead of being healthy and miserable 

I was now under weight and miserable 

And here I am now probably double my lowest weight 

And I am still hanging in there 

I went over to see Coco this morning 

With my sister and Honey and Lea

I was a bit worried about seeing Coco 

As the last time I saw him he was pushy to the point of being aggressive 

But today he was in much better form

And back to his gentle cheeky self

Which I was so glad to see

He was delighted to see his bestie Lea

And followed her all around the field like a puppy

Very cute

Relations with Cocos owner are starting to break down though

He is slimy

Smart arsed

Selfish

Egotistical 

I really don't like having to deal with him

So I try and avoid him at all costs

But I know that is going to cause problems in the future 

I just hope I can continue to see Coco 

As that pony is part of my life now 

I'm too attached to walk away now

I feel a bit restless at the moment 

I want to do something 

Like get another piercing or tattoo

Or dye my hair a mad colour 

Pink would be nice 

But I don't think work would appreciate that 

I'm doing my best to save some money this summer 

It's not easy when you are as impulsive as I am

I swear I have my wages spent before I even get them!

I sincerely hope that all of you are doing ok

Do comment and let me know you are there

I'm off to make a cuppa

See you on the next post...