The sun is beaming here today. Unusual for this country so I'm trying to enjoy it.
The dreaded night binging came back with a vengeance last night. I was up 3 times in the night binging and purging. What happened? I thought it had gone away but apparently not. It's not fun and it's just not good.
This morning I was wrecked after my nightly escapades. I dragged myself to the couch where I collapsed and promptly fell back to sleep. I intended to stay there for the day but I could hear my 2 dogs barking outside and I knew they were anxious to go walkies. So I peeled myself off the couch and piled them into my car.
We drove to a nearby lake where they had a good swim. It never ceases to amaze me how good an effect my dogs have on my mood. If I did not have them I would have surely stayed on that couch feeling sorry for myself. I suppose they take me away from myself for a moment because I have to take care of them.
Something else has been bothering me. I've posted before how at the moment I feel like I am in limbo. A wishy washy no-mans land. I don't consider myself to be in recovery but I am engaging in therapy so I guess I am trying to help myself some. My eating disorder is still very much active but my weight is not at a critical low so a lot of the time I don't feel I am sick, or sick enough although my bathroom would tell a different story.
I read a lot of pro-ana blogs but I also read recovery blogs and engage with people from both. I suppose this is a reflection of my head space, being somewhere between the two. I think what I'm trying to say is that I feel like a fraud, a double agent. I flirt with both ways of life without committing to either. And I think the same can be said for my recovery from drugs. From the outside I am not using illegal drugs and I am clean. But look a little closer and you will see that I abuse my methadone and anxiety meds. Again I feel in limbo. on the surface everything seems ok but dig a little deeper and you will find things are not all rosy in the garden. I would love to know if any of you feel this way too as it is a lonely place to be. I paint a smile on my face everyday, I tell my doctor everything is fine, I lie to my therapist, all for what? So people won't worry? So I can be left in peace with my addictions? To be honest I'm not really sure. Oh and I almost forgot about the shoplifting. I remember them telling me in treatment that there is a link between eating disorders and shoplifting but that does little to make me feel better. I'm stealing, I might only be stealing cheap food items but I'm still stealing and Iwill be caught one of these days. I'm ashamed and embarrassed to admit to this but I have to be honest and I hope you will not judge me
It's been hard to write all this but I write in the hope that someone will identify or maybe even help someone else not to feel so alone.
I hope this post finds you all happy and healthy,
Lots of love xxx
Sunday, 27 May 2012
Saturday, 26 May 2012
Resuming service
Yay, I'm back with a brand spanking new laptop. Happy dance!!!
I'm sorry to report that my other laptop sadly died during the week. Poor laptop, you were barely a year old and still had so much to give. At least you are in a better place now with all the other laptops in the sky. I will miss you.
I suppose I should explain what happened.
After I saw my doctor on Monday I decided to have an 'opt out of reality day'. As in I decided to take 3 days worth of my anti anxiety meds and sleep for the day which I did. Sometime in the evening I decided to blog but was not really awake. I had a cup of tea in one hand and a cigarette in the other when I must of dozed off for a minute. An unknown amount of time later I opened my eyes to see a puddle of tea on the computer. I jumped up to get a cloth but the damage had already been done. I had killed it. I was beyond angry with myself. Serves me right for abusing my meds. My mother was also plenty mad at me because we share the laptop. But she was also mad that I was abusing my meds. I promised her I would never do it again and I meant it. It's not good taking them that way but the truth is I use it as a way to get a break from my ed. Just one day ed free that's all I ask. Anyway we got a new one today so all is forgiven and normal service resumes.
So just to give a quick update.
I saw Mary on Thursday and we went through my food diary. Basically she asks me to keep a log of everything I eat and drink and any exercise I do. To be honest I'm not very good at keeping record and I have been known to lie about what I've eaten and play down the purging. I know I am just lying to myself but writing it down on paper would just make it all real and I'm not ready to face up to it yet. She is really urging me to address the purging but it's so freakin hard. Purging has become second nature to me, it's like breathing, it's essential. I have a path worn from my kitchen to my bathroom. Lock the door, tie back my hair, make sure no one is outside, push two fingers down my throat and up it comes. Sorry that might have been too much info but that is the ugly truth of it. Whoever said eating disorders were glamorous or about vanity should come walk a day in my shoes.
Also we are having a heatwave here so everyone is wearing less clothes. This makes me anxious. Having my bare arms and legs out is not something I'm comfortable with at the moment. This time last year I was about half a stone lighter so I felt ok but looking at myself in the mirror this morning I just wanted to cry. Now I know that I can't trust my own judgement of how I look but I still do it anyway. My cousins wedding is in exactly 2 months so I think I can get to a 'safe' weight by then. Otherwise I would rather not go. In saying this though, I watched back a recording of the dance show and I could see that my shape was childlike compared to some of the other girls who had shapely and curvy figures. I think they looked a lot better than me. Another side effect of the heat is that my appetite has decreased so I have been purging a lot less. Today has been purge free so far and hope to keep it that way. Purging has really taken it's toll on my body and restricting. As I posted before my body is childlike but my face looks older than my years. I have not had a period in years, my bones are brittle, my teeth are severely damaged and I can't afford to get them fixed, my hair is limp and lifeless and my eyes are vacant.
A couple of weeks ago my dance partner had come over to practise and he was looking at family photos. There was one of me and my family taken in New york about 3 years ago. I was about 2 stone heavier than I am now. He looked at this photo and asked if I was in it. I told him I was and asked him to guess which one was me. He went through everyone in the photo until he finally said 'is that you?' in surprise. He said 'wow, you're a lot heavier there, have you been on a diet?' I didn't know how to respond and wasn't sure if it was a backhanded compliment or an insult. I brushed it off saying I was bloated due to medication but it proves my theory that my eating disorder has changed the way I look. I just look well........different. It's hard to explain.
Anyway I hope this post finds you all happy and healthy.
I missed you all so much,
Let me know how you are,
Much love xxx
I'm sorry to report that my other laptop sadly died during the week. Poor laptop, you were barely a year old and still had so much to give. At least you are in a better place now with all the other laptops in the sky. I will miss you.
I suppose I should explain what happened.
After I saw my doctor on Monday I decided to have an 'opt out of reality day'. As in I decided to take 3 days worth of my anti anxiety meds and sleep for the day which I did. Sometime in the evening I decided to blog but was not really awake. I had a cup of tea in one hand and a cigarette in the other when I must of dozed off for a minute. An unknown amount of time later I opened my eyes to see a puddle of tea on the computer. I jumped up to get a cloth but the damage had already been done. I had killed it. I was beyond angry with myself. Serves me right for abusing my meds. My mother was also plenty mad at me because we share the laptop. But she was also mad that I was abusing my meds. I promised her I would never do it again and I meant it. It's not good taking them that way but the truth is I use it as a way to get a break from my ed. Just one day ed free that's all I ask. Anyway we got a new one today so all is forgiven and normal service resumes.
So just to give a quick update.
I saw Mary on Thursday and we went through my food diary. Basically she asks me to keep a log of everything I eat and drink and any exercise I do. To be honest I'm not very good at keeping record and I have been known to lie about what I've eaten and play down the purging. I know I am just lying to myself but writing it down on paper would just make it all real and I'm not ready to face up to it yet. She is really urging me to address the purging but it's so freakin hard. Purging has become second nature to me, it's like breathing, it's essential. I have a path worn from my kitchen to my bathroom. Lock the door, tie back my hair, make sure no one is outside, push two fingers down my throat and up it comes. Sorry that might have been too much info but that is the ugly truth of it. Whoever said eating disorders were glamorous or about vanity should come walk a day in my shoes.
Also we are having a heatwave here so everyone is wearing less clothes. This makes me anxious. Having my bare arms and legs out is not something I'm comfortable with at the moment. This time last year I was about half a stone lighter so I felt ok but looking at myself in the mirror this morning I just wanted to cry. Now I know that I can't trust my own judgement of how I look but I still do it anyway. My cousins wedding is in exactly 2 months so I think I can get to a 'safe' weight by then. Otherwise I would rather not go. In saying this though, I watched back a recording of the dance show and I could see that my shape was childlike compared to some of the other girls who had shapely and curvy figures. I think they looked a lot better than me. Another side effect of the heat is that my appetite has decreased so I have been purging a lot less. Today has been purge free so far and hope to keep it that way. Purging has really taken it's toll on my body and restricting. As I posted before my body is childlike but my face looks older than my years. I have not had a period in years, my bones are brittle, my teeth are severely damaged and I can't afford to get them fixed, my hair is limp and lifeless and my eyes are vacant.
A couple of weeks ago my dance partner had come over to practise and he was looking at family photos. There was one of me and my family taken in New york about 3 years ago. I was about 2 stone heavier than I am now. He looked at this photo and asked if I was in it. I told him I was and asked him to guess which one was me. He went through everyone in the photo until he finally said 'is that you?' in surprise. He said 'wow, you're a lot heavier there, have you been on a diet?' I didn't know how to respond and wasn't sure if it was a backhanded compliment or an insult. I brushed it off saying I was bloated due to medication but it proves my theory that my eating disorder has changed the way I look. I just look well........different. It's hard to explain.
Anyway I hope this post finds you all happy and healthy.
I missed you all so much,
Let me know how you are,
Much love xxx
Thursday, 24 May 2012
More technical issues
Still no joy with my laptop. It's driving me nuts having no internet, I am seriously having withdrawel symptoms which include irritabiliy, anger, rage and many more.
Have only a few minutes in this computer so just a very quick update.
Saw Mary this morning. She had asked me to bring in a photo of myself when I was well and happy. I brought in a photo that was taken just after I returned from Australia. I'm with my family and I look happy and healthy. My weight probably being around 54kilos. In fact I look like a completely different person. I think years of not looking after myself have taken it's toll. Now, in some ways I look like a little girl but in others I look like an old woman. Mary wants me to stop the purging completely. I'm not sure how I feel about this. I suppose I had come to a point where I just accepted that purging was part of my life and I just had to live with it. The thought of being purge free thrills me and terrifies me equally. Anyway we shall see how it goes.
Sorry for such a short post,
I miss all of you,
Much love xxx
Have only a few minutes in this computer so just a very quick update.
Saw Mary this morning. She had asked me to bring in a photo of myself when I was well and happy. I brought in a photo that was taken just after I returned from Australia. I'm with my family and I look happy and healthy. My weight probably being around 54kilos. In fact I look like a completely different person. I think years of not looking after myself have taken it's toll. Now, in some ways I look like a little girl but in others I look like an old woman. Mary wants me to stop the purging completely. I'm not sure how I feel about this. I suppose I had come to a point where I just accepted that purging was part of my life and I just had to live with it. The thought of being purge free thrills me and terrifies me equally. Anyway we shall see how it goes.
Sorry for such a short post,
I miss all of you,
Much love xxx
Wednesday, 23 May 2012
Technical issues
The day before yesterday I managed to kill my laptop.
I had taken 3 of my anti anxiety meds and was very sleepy, I was on the computer with a cup of tea in my hand
and I must have dozed off for3 seconds because when I looked down there was tea on the keyboard. Now the stupid thing won't turn on and I feel like bouncing it off the wall. I'm just angry at myself for being so stupid.
So if I don't post regularly or comment on your blogs this is why. The only other computer I can get to is in the library.
Anyway a very quick update. I saw Mary yesterday and she weighed me. I'm down just over a kilo from last week. Not too shabby. I'll be keeping a a close eye on my weight from now on to avoid another rapid gain like before. Mia has not gone completely but she is definitely only working part time. Actually I think her and ana are job sharing at the moment. I don't know if I posted this before but my ed drives me to do odd things, shoplifting being one of them. When mia is around it can get very exspensive constantly stockin up on food so I have been known to shoplift. I know it's such a sneaky thing to do and I am very ashamed of it. But today I went to the supermarket with my dad and I put some treats for my dog in my bag and walked out of the shop. As I was walking over to my car I heard someone shout 'hello' behind me. My heart was thumping as I turned around to face what I thought was a security guard but it was just somebody on their phone. The relief.
I will definitely dedicate a post to shoplifting soon and explain in more detail what drives me to do it. I'd love to know if any of you have experienced this. I remember them telling me in treatment that there is a link between eating disorders and shoplifting so there must be others.
Ok, I better go, I'm in the library and my time is nearly up. Hopefully I'll be able to sort something out with my own computer soon.
Hope you are all well,
Much love x
I had taken 3 of my anti anxiety meds and was very sleepy, I was on the computer with a cup of tea in my hand
and I must have dozed off for3 seconds because when I looked down there was tea on the keyboard. Now the stupid thing won't turn on and I feel like bouncing it off the wall. I'm just angry at myself for being so stupid.
So if I don't post regularly or comment on your blogs this is why. The only other computer I can get to is in the library.
Anyway a very quick update. I saw Mary yesterday and she weighed me. I'm down just over a kilo from last week. Not too shabby. I'll be keeping a a close eye on my weight from now on to avoid another rapid gain like before. Mia has not gone completely but she is definitely only working part time. Actually I think her and ana are job sharing at the moment. I don't know if I posted this before but my ed drives me to do odd things, shoplifting being one of them. When mia is around it can get very exspensive constantly stockin up on food so I have been known to shoplift. I know it's such a sneaky thing to do and I am very ashamed of it. But today I went to the supermarket with my dad and I put some treats for my dog in my bag and walked out of the shop. As I was walking over to my car I heard someone shout 'hello' behind me. My heart was thumping as I turned around to face what I thought was a security guard but it was just somebody on their phone. The relief.
I will definitely dedicate a post to shoplifting soon and explain in more detail what drives me to do it. I'd love to know if any of you have experienced this. I remember them telling me in treatment that there is a link between eating disorders and shoplifting so there must be others.
Ok, I better go, I'm in the library and my time is nearly up. Hopefully I'll be able to sort something out with my own computer soon.
Hope you are all well,
Much love x
Monday, 21 May 2012
Goodbye Mia, Hello Ana
Hello my dears,
I hope you are well today and enjoyed your weekend.
Tiredness lingers toady but that's ok, it's Monday and all I have is one doctors appointment today which was first thing this morning. I never sleep on a Sunday night but that is my own silly fault for not
rationing my meds properly through out the week.
My doctor gave me a drug test this morning. It is random testing and he rarely does it. Even though I know I have not used I still get nervous waiting for the little blue line to appear but of course it was clean.
I sense something has shifted with my eating disorder. It started yesterday. Usually Sundays are spent bingeing and purging continuously but yesterday was strangely calm and only b/p a couple of times. That was my first clue something was up.Then yesterday evening I had a sudden urge to weigh myself. I had stopped doing this as I just couldn't handle the rollercoaster of emotions it sent me on. Mary was weighing me once a week and that was it. So I stripped and tentatively stepped on the scale praying for it to be under a certain number. I opened one eye to look and relief flooded through me as I saw a 'safe' number. In fact I had lost weight. Eating disorder 1, recovery 0. But I can't lie, I felt that old familiar euphoric feeling that I only get from seeing the numbers go down. It definitely triggered me.
I knew it for sure when I couldn't eat last night because I couldn't bear the dreaded guilty feeling afterwards. Don't get me wrong, I am glad mia has left the building. She makes life a living hell. The endless bingeing and purging, the shoplifting food, the self loathing and the guilt I won't miss. Whereas mia is like a tornado leaving a trail of destruction, ana is a lot more subtle. She is sly and sneaky. She starts of by grooming me and seducing me by whispering in my ear 'you don't need food, you have me, do what I say and I will repay you with happiness, confidence, self belief and the body you've always wanted'. 'Come with me, I will look after you so you will never be alone, I am the only friend you need'. Even though I know the consequences of listening to her are devastating I find myself thinking, maybe this time will be different, maybe I can do this on my terms this time. She is luring me in and it's so very hard to resist. But why does it have to be one or the other, why can't I be somewhere inbetween, eating enough so I am not restricting but not so much that I am not bingeing. Ay ay ay......
But I do not relax, I know that just when you think mia has left she can come back and slap you right in the face. She is as subtle as a sledge hammer.
Anyway, time will tell how this plays out.
Also, a shout out to 'me destruit'. Thank you for your comments and yes I would love to get in contact with you. My email is andthenshedisappeared@yahoo.ie
I wish you all lots of love and light,
Have a good day x
I hope you are well today and enjoyed your weekend.
Tiredness lingers toady but that's ok, it's Monday and all I have is one doctors appointment today which was first thing this morning. I never sleep on a Sunday night but that is my own silly fault for not
rationing my meds properly through out the week.
My doctor gave me a drug test this morning. It is random testing and he rarely does it. Even though I know I have not used I still get nervous waiting for the little blue line to appear but of course it was clean.
I sense something has shifted with my eating disorder. It started yesterday. Usually Sundays are spent bingeing and purging continuously but yesterday was strangely calm and only b/p a couple of times. That was my first clue something was up.Then yesterday evening I had a sudden urge to weigh myself. I had stopped doing this as I just couldn't handle the rollercoaster of emotions it sent me on. Mary was weighing me once a week and that was it. So I stripped and tentatively stepped on the scale praying for it to be under a certain number. I opened one eye to look and relief flooded through me as I saw a 'safe' number. In fact I had lost weight. Eating disorder 1, recovery 0. But I can't lie, I felt that old familiar euphoric feeling that I only get from seeing the numbers go down. It definitely triggered me.
I knew it for sure when I couldn't eat last night because I couldn't bear the dreaded guilty feeling afterwards. Don't get me wrong, I am glad mia has left the building. She makes life a living hell. The endless bingeing and purging, the shoplifting food, the self loathing and the guilt I won't miss. Whereas mia is like a tornado leaving a trail of destruction, ana is a lot more subtle. She is sly and sneaky. She starts of by grooming me and seducing me by whispering in my ear 'you don't need food, you have me, do what I say and I will repay you with happiness, confidence, self belief and the body you've always wanted'. 'Come with me, I will look after you so you will never be alone, I am the only friend you need'. Even though I know the consequences of listening to her are devastating I find myself thinking, maybe this time will be different, maybe I can do this on my terms this time. She is luring me in and it's so very hard to resist. But why does it have to be one or the other, why can't I be somewhere inbetween, eating enough so I am not restricting but not so much that I am not bingeing. Ay ay ay......
But I do not relax, I know that just when you think mia has left she can come back and slap you right in the face. She is as subtle as a sledge hammer.
Anyway, time will tell how this plays out.
Also, a shout out to 'me destruit'. Thank you for your comments and yes I would love to get in contact with you. My email is andthenshedisappeared@yahoo.ie
I wish you all lots of love and light,
Have a good day x
Sunday, 20 May 2012
The day after the night before.....
Hello my dears,
I hope this post finds you all well.
I am so very tired today, tired but happy.
Our much anticipated show went ahead last night so I will share it with you.
My day did not start out well. I was a bundle of nervous energy and my good friend (yea right) bulimia made an unexpected appearance. 'I thought I gave you the day off'. 'You can't get rid of me that easily' she replied. So I binged and purged 4 times before lunch time. I inhaled the food even though it tasted vile. The bingeing and purging had to come to an end then as I had a busy day ahead. 2pm was our hair and makeup appointment. I got soft curls over one shoulder and a smoky eye with pillar box red lipstick. It felt strange being pampered and primped like that. I rarely get my hair and makeup done but I went with it and tried to enjoy it. As I looked in the mirror in the hair salon I could see my eating disorder staring back at me, pale skin, vacant eyes, limp hair and damaged teeth. Such a difference after the hair and war paint were done. I looked and felt like a different person. I was starting to feel the part.
6pm we all gathered at the venue for last minute rehearsals. Then we changed into our costumes. As I posted before it was 1920's themed. My outfit was a black flapper dress complete with feather headband, mary jane shoes and cigarette holder. Before we knew it, it was 8pm and showtime.
First we did 2 group numbers to 'puttin' on the ritz' and 'aint that a kick in the head'. They went well and then it was time for our couples dance. We were third last so we waited nervously backstage. Then it was our turn. We danced to 'fatsam's grand slam' from the movie 'Bugsy Malone'. It was over in a flash and we were happy just to have got through it. Then 5 couples were recalled to dance again.
I was sure it wouldn't be us so we were shocked and thrilled when our names were called.
We gave it socks the second time around and I thoroughly enjoyed myself. I f nothing else happened I was happy to have come this far.
The judges took their time making their decision but then it was time. In the end we came third overall and I couldn't have been happier. I was so happy for my partner as he couldn't dance when we started this 2 months ago and he had worked so hard. For me it was a victory of a different kind. I am notrious for starting things and not finishing them. This was the first thing in a long time that I had started something and seen it through to the end. Also finding the strength and confidence to dance again was difficult.
So there it was, a great night and a good result. One of the nicer moments of the night was when one of the other girls mother came up to me and told that she had spoken of me and said I was a lovely girl. That made my heart swell as I had always thought I was a bit of an outsider but maybe that's just in my head.
Today I am spending time with my family and bulimia seems to have disappeared. Don't hurry back now.
I hope all of you are well and thanks for the support and the good wishes. It was great to know all of you were behind me.
Much love to youxxx
I hope this post finds you all well.
I am so very tired today, tired but happy.
Our much anticipated show went ahead last night so I will share it with you.
My day did not start out well. I was a bundle of nervous energy and my good friend (yea right) bulimia made an unexpected appearance. 'I thought I gave you the day off'. 'You can't get rid of me that easily' she replied. So I binged and purged 4 times before lunch time. I inhaled the food even though it tasted vile. The bingeing and purging had to come to an end then as I had a busy day ahead. 2pm was our hair and makeup appointment. I got soft curls over one shoulder and a smoky eye with pillar box red lipstick. It felt strange being pampered and primped like that. I rarely get my hair and makeup done but I went with it and tried to enjoy it. As I looked in the mirror in the hair salon I could see my eating disorder staring back at me, pale skin, vacant eyes, limp hair and damaged teeth. Such a difference after the hair and war paint were done. I looked and felt like a different person. I was starting to feel the part.
6pm we all gathered at the venue for last minute rehearsals. Then we changed into our costumes. As I posted before it was 1920's themed. My outfit was a black flapper dress complete with feather headband, mary jane shoes and cigarette holder. Before we knew it, it was 8pm and showtime.
First we did 2 group numbers to 'puttin' on the ritz' and 'aint that a kick in the head'. They went well and then it was time for our couples dance. We were third last so we waited nervously backstage. Then it was our turn. We danced to 'fatsam's grand slam' from the movie 'Bugsy Malone'. It was over in a flash and we were happy just to have got through it. Then 5 couples were recalled to dance again.
I was sure it wouldn't be us so we were shocked and thrilled when our names were called.
We gave it socks the second time around and I thoroughly enjoyed myself. I f nothing else happened I was happy to have come this far.
The judges took their time making their decision but then it was time. In the end we came third overall and I couldn't have been happier. I was so happy for my partner as he couldn't dance when we started this 2 months ago and he had worked so hard. For me it was a victory of a different kind. I am notrious for starting things and not finishing them. This was the first thing in a long time that I had started something and seen it through to the end. Also finding the strength and confidence to dance again was difficult.
So there it was, a great night and a good result. One of the nicer moments of the night was when one of the other girls mother came up to me and told that she had spoken of me and said I was a lovely girl. That made my heart swell as I had always thought I was a bit of an outsider but maybe that's just in my head.
Today I am spending time with my family and bulimia seems to have disappeared. Don't hurry back now.
I hope all of you are well and thanks for the support and the good wishes. It was great to know all of you were behind me.
Much love to youxxx
Saturday, 19 May 2012
D day
So today's the day. After two months of hard work it all happens tonight. We had our last practise yesterday and the room was all set up with all the seats and the judges table. Yes, there are judges but we are assured that it won't be an X factor type situation where they tell us we are rubbish and shouldn't have bothered. It will all be positive and encouraging. I hope. There are 3 group dances and then we dance with our partner for one number. Seeing the room all set up last night made me nervous as it all suddenly seemed real. Up until now it was hard to believe today would ever come but here it is all too soon. One thing that I am worried about is that everybody is going clubbing afterwards and by the sounds of it they intend to get trashed. Call me boring but I don't drink anymore (see previous alcohol and drug addiction) and I just don't fancy watching everyone else get drunk.. I have an excuse at the ready, I have to go to my friends birthday party. Does that sound plausible?
Anyway, eating disorder I need you to leave me alone today. I'm giving you the day off, just one day is all I ask. I need to be able to eat something and not purge or feel overwhelming guilty because I do not want to faint on the middle of the dance floor. So take a hike, I promise you can come back tomorrow but today I just can't deal with you.
A small victory, I made it through the night without waking up and raiding the fridge. I have been doing this for about the last month. I think hunger wakes me up and I stumble to the kitchen half asleep and grab the first thing that looks tasty. Hopefully that's the end of that messed up behaviour.
So my dears, I hope this post finds you all well and please cross your fingers for me today.
Lots of love,
Rubyxxx
Anyway, eating disorder I need you to leave me alone today. I'm giving you the day off, just one day is all I ask. I need to be able to eat something and not purge or feel overwhelming guilty because I do not want to faint on the middle of the dance floor. So take a hike, I promise you can come back tomorrow but today I just can't deal with you.
A small victory, I made it through the night without waking up and raiding the fridge. I have been doing this for about the last month. I think hunger wakes me up and I stumble to the kitchen half asleep and grab the first thing that looks tasty. Hopefully that's the end of that messed up behaviour.
So my dears, I hope this post finds you all well and please cross your fingers for me today.
Lots of love,
Rubyxxx
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