In a different life

I saw my doctor on Monday as I do every Monday morning
Being in a methadone programme I have to see him once a week
We seem to have run out of health related topics to talk about
This week the subject of swimming came up and I was telling him that I used to be a competitive swimmer
Straight away he asked me if I had been sexually abused at my swimming club
I said no but that there was someone who was borderline inappropriate
'Why do you ask' I said
He said because sexual abuse is common in people with anorexia
Of course I knew that already but I am not one of those people
I have been asked that question many times over the years but thankfully no I've never been sexually abused
I guess people look for a reason as to why I developed an eating disorder
They presume there must have been some dramatic reason as to why this happened
Some great trauma
In my case there was no great trauma
More like a million little traumas
I suppose that's the same thing
I think people look for something or someone to blame but the truth is there is not always a reason as to why we are the way we are

Then we spoke about the bone scan I have to go for next week
He said no to be surprised if I have osteoporosis
He spoke at length about how when people are given a diagnosis, they stop being people and start becoming a patient
He said when people are told they are sick, they start to act sick
I could relate to this around my eating disorder
When I was diagnosed my first thought was 'Well I'm anorexic now, I better start acting anorexic'
The mind is a very powerful thing
Once I was labelled as 'anorexic' and 'sick' I began to live up to these diagnosis
Especially the word 'sick'
I've been told I am sick my whole life
If enough people tell you this then it must be true
Labels are dangerous things
It boxes us off and puts us in categories
And once labelled it's very hard to get rid of that label
I still consider myself a drug addict even though I haven't used in 2 years
I understand that people need a word to describe what ever is wrong with us but I think we need to be careful when handing out these labels
For me, I don't know where my eating disorder ends and Ruby begins
We are so intertwined
Like a snake coiled around a tree
But I am not anorexic, I have anorexia
I am not a drug addict, I'm a recovering drug addict

This night 2 years ago I put on a Halloween dance show with 20 kids
I used to be a hip hop teacher
I remember when I saw the ad in the shop window 'Hip hop teacher wanted'
Even though my background was ballet and I had never done hip hop in my life, I applied for the job, which I then got
I taught myself hip hop from DVDs
Within 2 weeks I had three dance classes going
Looking back I can't quite believe I did that
That I had the confidence to get up in front of a class of kids and teach them
It seems like a life time ago
At the time my weight was quite healthy and things were going quite well
I taught for almost 2 years
We put on 3 shows in that time
But then things started to go wrong
We practised in a boxing club and there was a proper weighing scales there
I started to weigh myself again
Then a friend commented that I had lost weight
I weighed myself and I had indeed lost half a stone
This immediately triggered me
I began to restrict again
Then the dancing became too much
Over night I lost all confidence and couldn't find the strength to continue
I told the kids I was taking some time off but 2 years later I still haven't gone back and I can't see myself going back any time soon
It's sad because I loved it but I just can't imagine going back
I feel bad that I let the kids down
And myself
Maybe some day........

Dear Anorexia

Following the letter from my mother, Mary suggested that I write a letter to my eating disorder
Here goes -


Dear Anorexia,
                          We've been together for a long time now.  It's been 12 years since I first became aware of you, but looking back I can see that you were silently developing ever since I was a child.  You saw that I was vulnerable, a prime candidate.  You saw that I needed a friend and you pretended to be mine.  At first you whispered softly in my ear, so subtle that I didn't notice at first.  At ballet you scrutinised my body in the mirror, pointing out all the flaws.  You pointed out another girl that was long and lean and told me that I should look like her.  When my ballet teacher told me I was losing too much weight, you were delighted and praised me highly.  But it wasn't enough, you wanted more.

                          I didn't notice you when I was in active drug addiction.  I thought I was losing weight because of the drugs.  When I went in to hospital to do a drug detox, you reared your ugly head.  You told me not to eat, food was bad.  I would get fat if I ate and there was nothing worse than being fat. You told me to hide food in my locker, to flush it down the toilet and to purge.  When the nurse sat me down and I told me I had anorexia, you were so angry.  You told me that she was wrong, that she didn't have a clue what she was talking about.  I believed you and dismissed what she said.  After all, you said, I wasn't thin enough to be anorexic.

                           For the next few years I kept denying you.  I didn't want to believe that I had an eating disorder.  But when I went to drug treatment for the first time, I couldn't deny you any longer.  I admitted that I had a problem but I wasn't sure I wanted to give you up.  You were like my bestfriend, a constant companion who I thought I couldn't live without.  Then you brought along your friend bulimia.  Unlike anorexia bulimia was invisible, she told me that she had found a loophole, that I could eat and not gain weight.  She taught me how to purge.  This became my new addiction.

                          You have consumed me ever since.  Every waking moment my mind is filled with thoughts of weight, food and numbers.  You told me I was fat but in reality I had the body of a male child.  You have turned from being my bestfriend to being my worst enemy.  I think of you as an abuser.  Like an abuser you groomed me and lured me in with false promises of happiness.  But once I was held captive you showed your true colours and how evil you really are.

                           You crept in yo my life like a thief in the night and like a thief you stole so much.  You took my health and sapped my body of any energy it had and left me with the body of a pre-pubescent child.  You stole my hopes and dreams and any plans for a happy future.  You latched on to me and drained me of any self confidence, self worth and self esteem.  You isolated me from family and friends and left me alone and lonely.  You left me paranoid, anxious, depressed and hating myself, so self conscious that I didn't want to leave the house. My peace of mind is gone, sleep is the only release I get.  You stole my education and any plans to make something of my life.  But most of all you stole my will to live and left me with a passive death wish, thinking I would be better off dead.  You took a young woman and left her with the withered face of an old woman and a cold brittle body.

                        I have no doubt that you want me dead.  You are slowly poisoning my body and mind.  But I won't let that happen.  I won't let you take me like you have taken so many others.  I'm fighting so very hard and every day I get a little bit stronger.  I will do the opposite of what you want me to do.  I will drown out your voice and try to live my life.  Having you in my life is like having  full time job with no days off.  I work hard for you all week ie restricting and exercise and at the end of the week you expect a big fat pay check in the form of weight loss.  But I have learned the hard way that thin does not equal happiness.  I was just as sick and miserable at my lowest weight as I was at my highest weight.  You've been in my life for so long that I don't know life without you.  But I am willing to take the risk to find out.  You left me like a scared, sick child but now I'm growing in to the young woman I was meant to be.  I'm learning to like myself and not measure my worth by the numbers on a scale.  As a good friend once said to me,  it's not a choice between anorexia and recovery, it's a choice between life and death and I choose life.

                                                                          Yours never,
                                                                                               Ruby

Living with Ruby!

Last week I asked my mother if she would write a post on what it's like to live with someone who has an eating disorder.
I thought it would be insightful to get a family members point of view.
She actually wrote in letter form.
She said it was painful to write and it was also painful for me to read.
So here it is, please feel free to leave comments as she would love to get some feedback.


Dear Ruby,
                  You've asked me to write about life with you.  Here goes - deep breaths!
Well it's not always easy.  Ruby you are my beautiful, precious youngest daughter and for most of your adult life you seem to be hell bent on self destruction, why?  I wish I knew.  Do you know? 

                   You were a lovely child, full of energy and joie de vivre.  Endlessly curious, friendly, out going, passionate about dancing and swimming.  Your friends loved you.  I remember your uncle saying that you had such a sweet mischievous face.  You were fun loving.  Life was good.  But - there's always a but!  You enjoyed taking risks.  I remember when you were about 6 or 7, we were walking beside a river with your grandad.  The river was fast flowing and deep.  When I looked behind for you, you had climbed onto  the wall alongside the river and were skipping along blissfully oblivious to the danger.  Or maybe you were courting the danger.  I don't know.

                  Your adult life has followed that pattern.  You grew from a lovely child into a beautiful young woman.  But you didn't like yourself.  You wanted to harm yourself.  Danger constantly called.  You were attracted to people living on the margins. Although you are a highly intelligent and moral person, danger seems to fascinate and entice you and all too often wins your heart.  You struggled with your addiction to heroin for many years.  Those years for me were a continual nightmare of heartbreak, anger and frustration.  Where was my precious girl?  Had you someplace safe to sleep?  Who were you with?  Were you alive or dead?  I dreaded phone calls.  I imagine hell to be similar to that time of torment.  But you had the courage to move away from that lifestyle.  You beat heroin.  I have endless admiration for your courage, strength and determination.

                 Your eating disorder makes me feel so sad.  I'm helpless.  I, your mother who should be able to protect you can do nothing in the face of this unrelenting disease.  I see you wasting away in front of me, living a non-life.  Your best years slipping and sliding away from you.  Bingeing and purging.  From kitchen to bathroom  Kitchen to bathroom.  Kitchen to bathroom.  Restricting when you imagine you are putting on weight.  Starving yourself.  Listless and limp.  Always cold.

                  And Mondays - I hate Mondays.  You go to the doctor, walk the dogs, come home, blog and take most of your meds.  You knock yourself out.  You waken intermittently, go to the kitchen, make tea, bring it in to the sitting room, light a cigarette and fall asleep where ever you land.  When I come home from collecting your nephew and leaving him at his house, I always look in the window first.  Are you safe?  Is it safe to come in.

                     I love you.  I'd give anything to make you well and healthy.  To see you well and healthy, brimming with confidence would be the best gift.  To see you living your life would be wonderful beyond words.  I know you have the strength to get well.  I know you have the courage.  You've beaten the most difficult addiction of all.  Please try to want to get well.  Please try to want to live.

                                                             Lots of love,
                                                                                  Mam x

                    

                        
                  

Are we all addicts?

Are we all addicts?

I did a post of the same title a few months ago so I thought I would do an update

The programme that prompted this post was called 'How to get a life' on BBC presented by Chery Healy
She followed people that were addicted to different substances from diet pills to legal highs
She interviewed one girl who was addicted to diet pills
She had a press full of pills and potions
I could identify a lot with this girl as she used to be a dancer
I remember when I did ballet people used to say to me that I had to be careful when I gave up because all the muscle turned to fat
Of course that wasn't true but it terrified me

Addiction is rife in my family so I had a pretty good chance of becoming an addict

Genetics loaded the gun but environment, circumstance and just plain bad luck pulled the trigger

My addiction comes out in lots of weird and wonderful ways

I definitely think I have an addictive personality 

If something feels good, I do it over and over again and I think I have the potential to become addicted to almost anything not just the usual suspects like drink and drugs

The substance may change but the feelings and behaviours are the same
If I find a food that I like I eat it over and over again (at the moment it's twix bars) and I get anxious if there are none in the house
I remember a few years ago my 'food' was drifter bars
For my birthday that year my boss gave me a bumper box of them
He knew me well
I ate them like they were going out if fashion
And then they did
All of a sudden shops stopped stocking them
I remember being in the car with my mother and getting her to drive from shop to shop, from tow to town to try and find them
I had to have them and no other chocolate bar would do
I felt no different than when I was craving heroin
Same shit different substance

So here's a list of my addictions from past to present

Drugs

I first took drugs when I was 14 and dabbled with them up until age 18

At 18 I took heroin for the first time and was instantly hooked

I was on the merry-go-round that is heroin addiction for 6 years

I don't need to tell you that heroin is difficult to get off but I managed it

I moved away from my old town and started a new life

I don't go back to my old town as it is one big trigger

Alcohol

When I was younger I didn't have much interest in alcohol, maybe because my father was a drinker and I say the damage that he caused

But after I got off heroin I started drinking vodka and mixing it with my meds

I drank for about 2-3 years

I believe that alcohol is the most destructive drug, mainly because it is legal

I don't like the person I become when I drink, all maudlin and melancholy

I stopped drinking because I was starting to black out

I lost all concept of time and took great risks like drinking and driving

I don't drink at all now because as they say in AA 'One is too many and a thousand never enough'

Methadone

I've been on methadone now for 8 years

I started on 70mls and am now down to 30mls

It definitely helped me get off heroin but now I am addicted to it

They it's harder to get off than heroin, that it gets in to your bones and I'd well believe it

When I was on a higher dose I used to abuse it and sometimes even sell it but now I am on a lower dose I can't afford to do that

I'd say I'll be on methadone for at least another couple of years

Prescription Drugs

I've been addicted to a few prescription meds including morphine

I remember when I was in hospital I used to see the other people lining up to get their sleeping tablets and I was jealous so I said I couldn't sleep and they put me on a sleeper

Coming off prescription meds is a nightmare, the withdrawals can last for months

I definitely believe that synthetic/man made drugs are worse than natural drugs

At the moment I'm on methadone, olanzapine (anti anxiety) and mirtazapine (anti depressant)

I still sometimes abuse the olanzapine but I don't take the mirtazapine

I think prescription drugs are over used when often other methods would me much better like talking therapy

Anorexia/bulimia

I include these as I believe that they are a form of addiction

I was addicted to not eating and then became addicted to purging

The behaviours are the same as any other addiction, the lying, the cheating, the secrecy, the guilt, the shame

Shoplifting

This has been a big problem for me

I used to shoplift when I was addicted to drugs to feed my habit

But when I stopped taking drugs the shoplifting didn't just go away

I continued to get the 'high' and that was addictive

Shoplifting was a big part of my bulimia too

I was so ashamed of all the food I used to buy that I started stealing it

I took great risks as this is a small town and if I got caught everyone would know about it

I also used to steal other items like make up or jewellry

I still have two boxes of stuff that I neither want nor need

I have worked hard with Mary over the last few months to stop the shoplifting and I've only done it a couple of times recently

Cigarettes

I started smoking when I was about 14 and have been smoking ever since

I hate the fact that smoke but yes I am afraid if I give them up I'll gainw eight

My father gave them up 6 months ago and made it look very easy but he has also put on some weight

Hopefully someday I'll give them up

Exercise

I go through phases of being addicted to exercise and I'm in one right now

It suddenly occurred to me one day that I am incredibly lazy (is that anorexia I here?)

So instead of bringing my dogs for one walk a day, I started bringing them for two

I also bought a stepper and parked it in front of the television

I used it for 2 -4 hours everyday

I don't feel like I can relax until I have the exercise done and feel guilty if I don't complete a certain amount

Diet Pills

I've tried a few different diet pills and they've never really worked but that doesn't stop me trying
Not only are the pills themselves addictive but the feeling is too
The feeling that these pills are the answer to all my problems
The promise of happiness
I believe that my eating disorder has been silently developing since birth but somewhere along the way I got the message that thin = happiness and thin = success
Of course I now know that couldn't be further from the truth

Weighing
I used to weigh myself obsessively
Up to 10 times a day
In the morning, after I ate, after I purged, after I went to the bathroom
My life was ruled by those little numbers
I had to stop weighing as it was dictating my mood ,my self worth and my self esteem
Now I only weigh once a week with Mary

Sugar

I crave sugar the way I used to crave heroin

Internet

I'm probably not alone with this one

Who hasn't looked up from the computer and realise that it's been 3 hours since you last moved

I know I need to get off the computer when I'm bursting for a wee
Hands up if you're addicted to the internet!

Television

I am a total tv addict and often plan my day around programmes I want to see

Sometimes I find it really hard to pull myself away from the tv

My favourite programme is 'Come dine with me'

I use to watch box sets at night but had to stop as I was getting no sleep

I watched every episode of 'The Sopranos' back to back 3 times

Same with Mad Men

Same with Grey's Anatomy

Same with..........

Tea

The first thing I do in the morning is turn on the kettle

I wish I liked coffee but I don't

I like the smell of coffee but I don't like the taste

I couldn't live without tea

There's something about a steaming hot cup that soothes the soul

Any time is tea time is my house

We celebrate, we laugh, we cry, all with a cup of tea

With all that said I was wondering about you

What are you addicted to?

Do you have an addictive personality?

The Experiment

It's Monday morning
I like Mondays
You get to start over on Monday
You get to wipe the slate clean
Start afresh
Whatever your doing, a diet, trying recovery, Monday is a good day to start
The start of a new week with 7 whole days to meet your goal
Anything is possible on a Monday
I'm sure people the world over wake up on a Monday morning  with renewed energy and determination to meet their goals
I like Mondays because I am nice and clean after my weekly shower on a Sunday night
Yes I said weekly, I only manage one a week because I can't bear the cold
All nice and squeaky clean
All the dirt, grime and hate washed away
Of course I  may also like Mondays because I get all my meds

In my case my new start began on Saturday
I saw Mary on Friday and since I started seeing her all those months ago,  she has been trying to get me to engage in what she calls 'regular eating'
In other words, breakfast, lunch and dinner and maybe a couple of snacks
Since time began people have been eating three meals a day but to me it's rather a new concept
I haven't eaten three square meals a day without purging since I was a child
In fact the prospect is terrifying
My pattern has bounced from restricting to binging and purging
Usually fasting all day  and then binging and purging in the evening
Mary calls this 'debiting'
Saving up all your calories for a certain time
She said that when I started eating regularly that I may lose weight
Well she didn't need to say anymore
Sign me up!
So we worked out a rough meal plan
I decided to have my 'last supper' on Friday ie I binged and purged to my hearts content. with a steely resolve to start my new regime on Saturday
So how have I got on?
Well ok,  I suppose
I've been eating breakfast, lunch and dinner
Albeit very low calorie foods like soup and vegetables but I have been eating three meals
It's evenings that are the problem
I ended up having a sandwich both nights and purging
So I may need to make some adjustments
Maybe have a substantial snack in the evening
As I say, this is an experiment
Or more like a last ditch attempt to regain some control over my eating
If I maintain my weight again this week or God forbid gain weight, the experiment will be abandoned and I will take more drastic action

Exercise is still very much a problem
Immediately after eating I'm either going for a walk or using my stepper for 40mins
So I guess I am still purging
But it's the only way I can eat and not throw up at the moment
I suppose exercise is the lesser of two evils right now

Does anyone watch Downton Abbey?
It's a Sunday night must for me
There are three sisters in the programme and I can't help but draw comparisons between myself and my own two sisters
The oldest is straight forward and single minded just like my oldest sister
The middle one is slightly awkward and a bit of an outsider, very much like the middle sister in my family
And then the youngest, a rebel and the baby of the family, a bit like me
Last week the youngest daughter died in child birth
I found it very difficult to watch
It was like getting a glimpse in to what it would be like if I died
What my family would go through
Needless to say the family on Downton were heartbroken
My own suicidal ideation is still very much there
A passive death wish
Not actively seeking death but welcoming it
It's a bit sick really, fantasising about your own death but there it is
Getting my meds is a trigger
The temptation to save them all up is great
It would be easier to do it if people didn't care so much
If I didn't think of the devastation it would cause it would be simple
It would be the end of my problems but it would be the beginning of a world of hurt for my family
Sometimes I try to figure out who would most be able to cope with finding me
My mother?
No, it would kill her
My father?
The same
It's really the one thing that stops me and I suppose it's as good a reason as any
It's enough
They say you should get well for yourself, do it for yourself
But I guess if your doing it for someone else it has the same outcome

Sometimes I feel too far gone
That the damage has been done
I try to picture my self having a 'normal' life
With a job, a boyfriend, hobbies and friends
I can't imagine it
But since when have I ever been normal?
In truth I don't want to be normal
I don't want to be average
Ever since I was a child I have had a feeling that I would do something different
Something out of the ordinary
I was always told that I had 'great potential'
But what does that mean?
That I could so something great
Possibly
Maybe
No guarantees
Just as I type this 'Don't stop believing' came on the radio
'Just a small town girl, living in a lonely world'
Well I am always looking for signs!

With all that said I was wondering about you
Have you given up?
Do you believe that you'll be this way forever?
Or do you believe that there is light at the end of this dark tunnel?

Eating Disorder Myths Dispelled

I think like a lot of other mental illnesses eating disorders are misunderstood
Throughout the years I have come across many people who have a very strange idea of what anorexia, bulimia, EDNOS, compulsive overeating really are
So I thought I would do a post dispelling the myths from my point of view
Please feel free to agree or disagree

Eating disorders are a choice
This is just not true. Although an eating disorder may start out as an innocent diet, you can not choose to have an eating disorder.
In my own case, I think my eating disorder had been silently developing since I was a child.
For the first few years I had no idea that I had anorexia.
Yes I choose to continue the behaviours but I didn't choose to be this way, I don't know why anyone would.
Like other mental illness genetics play a part but you can not choose to have an eating disorder any more than you can choose to have any other mental illness like depression.

Only teenagers are affected my eating disorders
This myth is probably out there because most sufferers are under 20 but an eating disorder can affect anyone at any age.
Sufferers are getting younger and younger.
Last year in the UK 47 children aged 5 -9 years were treated for eating disorders.
I have always had issues with food but it wasn't until I was 19 that I developed full blown anorexia.
When I was in treatment there were people of all ages there so it's not just teenagers.
Another myth is that anorexia is a 'rich white girls' illness. This is also false. Eating disorders do not discriminate and can affect anyone regardless of age, sex, race.

You are not sick until you are emaciated
I think a lot of us fall in to this trap and don't believe we are sick because we are not thin enough. But the reality is that only a small percentage of people with eating disorders reach the state of emaciation often portrayed in the media. The common belief that a person is only trult ill if they become abnormally thin compounds the affected individuals perception of body image and not being 'good' at being 'sick enough'
As I have said before, I was just as sick at my highest weight as I was at my lowest weight.
I'm sure a lot of sufferers don't seek treatment because they think they are not sick enough but remember this is a mental illness with physical side effects. It's more about the behaviours we are using rather than our weight.

People who are normal or overweight can not having eating disorders
This is completely false.
Eating disorders come in all shapes and sizes, from the emaciated to the obese and everything in between.

Eating disorders are not life threatening
Eating disorders have the highest mortality rate of all mental illness.Even if death does not occur they can cause permanent physical and neurological damage. Every eating disorder can be potentially life threatening if not treated in time. Complications include heart disease, ruptured oesophagus, diabetes and stroke.

Laxatives prevent calorie absorption
Although this is widely believed to be true, it is false. People use laxatives in an attempt to rush food out of the body before it's calories are absorbed. In reality they begin their work in the body's colon where calories can not even be absorbed. They only assist in draining the body of it's necessary fluids and can cause colon problems. I've done my time with laxatives and although the numbers on the scale may go down the next day, it is water and not fat we have lost and the next day the weight will return and really mess with our heads.

Compulsive eaters have no self control and are lazy
False. For most compulsive eaters food is used as a way of coping with stressful situations or overwhelming emotions. Just like any other eating disorder compulsive eaters need assistance.

It's impossible to have more than one eating disorder
This is false. Many people have more than one type of eating disorder. For those people who have more than one type or who do not specifically fit the criteria for one, they may be classified as a separate type of eating disorder. This is known as EDNOS (eating disorder not otherwise specified).
My own initial diagnosis was anorexia nervosa but like a lot of people I went on to develop bulimia so I tend to describe my eating disorder as anorexia/bulimia. I jump from on to the other.

People with eating disorders are vain
This is completely false. While an eating disorder may start out as a diet, they are much more than an act of vanity. Often eating disorders are coping mechanisms used to deal with stress, anxiety, self hatred, control issues and shame. Eating disorders are not about vanity but rather a distraction from the problems of life.
For me my own illness has nothing to do with vanity. what is vain or beautiful about having grey skin, lank hair, dead eyes and a child's body? Not much.
Eating disorders are a complex medical/psychiatric condition and little to do with food, eating, appearance or beauty. This is indicated by the continuation of the illness long after the person  has reached their initial 'target weight'. Eating disorders often exist as part of a 'dual' diagnosis of major depression, anxiety or OCD.

All bulimics purge by self induced vomiting
False. Being bulimic myself I also purge by over exercising, fasting, using diuretics and laxatives.

You can never exercise too much
False. While in most cases exercise can be beneficial, too much exercise and not enough calorie absorption in the body is harmful. Excessive exercise can be very unhealthy causing problems such as stress fractures, chronic pain, osteoporosis, menstrual dysfunction and even death.
I tend to go through phases of over exercising and I'm in one right now. I feel that I can't relax until I have a certain amount done and feel guilty if I don't complete it. At the moment I'm walking my dogs twice a day for 45mins and also use a stepper for 2 - 3 hours a day. I have to do for a bone scan next month so I'm hoping everything will be ok.

Achieving normal weight means that anorexia is cured
This is a big one and it is completely false. Although weight restoration is essential to enabling a person with anorexia to participate in a meaningful way in further treatment, weight gain alone does not mean a person is recovered. In the last year I have regained some weight but my mind is still so very sick and far behind my body. Even though my body has started to recover, my mind has not.
People presume that if you have regained weight, then you must be recovered. But there is no such thing as recovered, recovery is an on going process that needs to be worked on every day. Like any other addiction there is no magic cure, the illness will always be there but we learn how to manage it.

Lather, Rinse, Repeat

My mother is on to me
She knows I am struggling
I came home the other day to find her looking up a treatment centre on line
I asked her why
She said 'ruby, you're not well'
She said she knows I so very low even though I make a huge effort to try and seem in good form
She can see through the thin veil of my act
I actually thought I was doing quite a good job
Thought that I was fooling everyone
My dad asked me very politely not to take all my meds last week
He said I am so very distant when I do
That he can't get through to me
I honestly hadn't noticed but then I was out of my head
The treatment centre my mother was looking up is relatively new
I actually rang them once before but they weren't accepting health insurance at the time and it cost a ridiculous amount of money
There are 3 main treatment centres for eating disorders in this country
I have been to two of them
So I guess it's only logical to  try the next one
The last time I went to treatment it took me a year to muster up the courage to ring
My one hour with Mary is not enough
Not by a long shot
She seems to think that I am doing well
She says 'You have come so far Ruby'
Then why don't I feel it
I still feel as entrenched in this eating disorder as ever
Yesterday I spent the day binging and purging
Literally all day
I have a path worn from my kitchen to my bathroom
And the sick thing is that I was actually looking forward to it
Looking forward to eating what I wanted with no consequence
I had been binging in the night too
Getting up in a sleepy stupor and raiding the biscuit cupboard
So I taken to hiding all the binge food in my mothers room at night
It's worked so far
The night terrors are also back
I get them from time to time
Plagued by horrible nightmares and waking up screaming
They used to be so bad that I had to sleep beside my mother so she could wake me up
How much longer will this go on?

I don't understand why anyone would want to be this way
Why anyone would welcome this in to their life
I didn't want to be this way
I didn't invite this illness in to my life
It silently crept in
In to my body and my mind
I didn't even know I had anorexia for the first couple of years
I had no idea I was under 80lbs
I thought I was skinny because I was a drug addict
The number on a scale meant nothing to me then
All I knew was that not eating made me feel good
I was doing a drug detox in hospital when a nurse sat me down and told me I had anorexia
I didn't believe her
Didn't want to believe her
I was in denial for a long time
It wasn't until I went in to drug treatment that I faced up to the reality of my situation
There was another girl there with an eating disorder
 Our behaviours were so similar that it was like looking in to a mirror
I couldn't deny it then
In the beginning you don't even notice the illness
It's so very subtle
You begin to eat less but there's always a reason to explain it away
You begin to lose interest in food
And it feels good
Your clothes become looser
And it feels good
People comment on your weight loss
And it feels good
More and more you feel guilty for eating
So you start purging
You feel you have found a loophole in the system of eating
A way to eat but have no consequence
And if feels good
Then your family express concern
You are getting too thin
But surely there's no such thing as too thin?
And anyway you are still fat
The mirror tells all
You start to weigh yourself
You carefully record every number
The numbers get lower and lower
And it feels good
But as the numbers plummet so does your mood
Depression and anxiety creep in
As the numbers decrease so does your energy and will to live
But you can't stop
You are so very cold now
Colder than you've ever been
It's in your bones
But you still can't stop
Your skin turns grey and you grow lanugo all over your body
Your periods cease to exist
But you still can't stop
Your family are sick with worry
They say you are emaciated
But they are lying, the mirror still says you are fat
Along with the weight you will feel like you are losing your mind
But you still can't stop
Then one day you break
You start to eat
And  eat and eat
You binge and purge like it is going out of fashion
But you still can't stop
You gain weight and you hate yourself for it
People presume because you have gained weight that you are better but that couldn't be further from the truth
You reach breaking point and contemplate suicide
But instead you decide to lose all the weight again
But this time it's not so easy
This time your body is fighting you
Every pound is hard fought
It's just not the same anymore
It takes forever but you lose it all again
Now so very weak you end up in hospital
They try to make you eat
They make someone sit with you all  day
But you are two steps ahead of them
You go to treatment and make some progress but then it's time to go home
And the cycle start again
The next 10 years are a pattern of lose weight, hospital, treatment, gain weight, lose weight, hospital, treatment..................
Lather, rinse, repeat

The thought of living this way for another decade is too much
This eating disorder is like a job I detest
I work hard all week and expect a big fat pay check in the form of weight loss
But no matter how hard you work it's never enough
The boss is the mirror and it's boss is the scale
It decides if you've worked hard enough
But it's never enough
If I were strong enough I would stop this madness now,  today
I wouldn't waste another second on this cruel illness
But oh if it were only that simple
If it was I would have done it years ago
I know a lot of people here are struggling right now
Many suffering in silence
It breaks my heart
We are all connected by the common thread of pain and food and numbers
They say eating disorders are a 'rich, white girls' illness
But in my experience it can affect anyone
It does not discriminate
I hope there is a reason for all this
That it will be explained in time
I still believe that there is a reason for everything
I'm just not sure what it is yet

All my love,

Ruby x