Monday, 28 January 2013

Crazy for party drugs

I stumbled across a documentary last night on BBC3 called 'Crazy for party drugs'
It followed a weekend in the lives of a group of twenty something's living in Leeds, documenting the rise of party drugs such as mephedrone (m-cat, meow meow), ketamine and GHB
These so called 'legal highs' were banned in 2010
Up until they were widely available in 'head shops'
These drugs fell through a legal loophole
They weren't advertised or packaged under their chemical names and were sold as things such as bath salts or plant food
Along with a warning that these substances were not fit for human consumption
They soon replaced ecstasy and cocaine as the new designer party drugs
Being cheaper and so readily available more and more people began taking them
People who would never have considered taking illegal drugs now tried these drugs under the illusion that they were safer
But this couldn't be further from the truth
These drugs are a cocktail of chemicals that we have no ides what the long term effects are
You are literally playing Russian roulette
At least with the likes of weed or cocaine you have some idea with what you are taking
We have little understanding of what is in these new party drugs



In Leeds it was  the biggest party night of the year
Halloween
We were introduced to Tony and his friends as they prepared for a big night out
It didn't actually show them taking any drugs but it was plain to see that they were off their heads
I watched this programme cautiously
Because of my own history with drugs, watching people under the influence can massively trigger me
And I have to admit I was triggered
As I watched Tony and his friends dancing, smiling, hugging and kissing each other, memories of my own drug addled days came flooding back
I've been there
In a club
At a party
Eyes glazed
Chewing my gums to bits
Loved up
Out of my face
Feeling this amazing feeling of love and unity with all the people around me
Not wanting the night to ever end
But it does end
It has to
What goes up must come down
As the morning light seeps through the curtains, the dreaded come down begins



The next morning we meet Tony again
It's 8am and not having slept he is wandering around town
Talking shite as you do when you're off your face
He looked shocking
His eyes ruby red and falling out of his head
He  then left to go and score more drugs
I know that feeling



The story I really related to was Holly
Holly was a 23 year old fashion graduate living in Huddersfield
A stunning red head with ice blue eyes
She began taking mephedrone after she was attacked a couple of years previously
As we picked up her story she was trying to get clean
She had had enough of being a slave to drugs and desperately wanted to change her life
An aspiring fashion designer, she had big dreams
I felt hopeful about Holly
She seemed to have an inner strength and a real desire to live a drug free life
But drugs have brought the strongest of us to our knees
Holly had good insight in to her using and that's always a valuable asset
We saw Holly ad her friends out on Halloween night
She confessed that she was nervous to go out but felt strong enough to resist temptation
The camera interviewed her at various points through out the night and each time she said she hadn't used
But as  the camera left her at 6am the following morning, I don't know why but I guessed she had used
Even though she was coherent there was something just not right



Fast forward to Monday morning and we see Holly's dad
He is worried as she has not turned up for work and he hasn't seen or heard from her in 3 days
Immediately I knew she had slipped
I've been there
So ashamed from using that you can't bear to face anyone
Holly arrives home Monday evening looking dishevelled
Still in the same clothes we saw her in on Friday
She admitted to using
She had been in the club's bathroom when another girl invited her in to her cubicle and offered her m-cat
I know just how that feels
When your drug
Your comfort
Your escape is put right in front of you
It takes super human will power to say no
I know people who have been clean for years who would struggle to walk past a line of coke
Only being clean for 2 weeks and having been drinking, Holly did what most of us would have done
I call it 'fuck it syndrome'
Fuck it, I'll have a smoke
Fuck it, I'll have a line
Fuck it!
Holly was devastated that she had used but it's a lesson that most drug addicts learn the hard way
As a counsellor it treatment said to me once 'If you hang around a barbers shop long enough, you will end up getting a hair cut'
The trick is to not let a slip develop in to a full blown relapse
Not to say 'Fuck it'



Overcoming drug addiction is so much more that not picking up
It involves changing your whole life
Your friends
Your behaviour
Your way of thinking
Everything
In my case I moved across the country to get away from drugs
I don't go back to my old town
It's one big trigger
The streets I walked
The housed I used in
The shops I robbed
The people I hung out with
I just can't go back there

I'm pleased to report that at the end of the documentary Holly was 8 weeks clean and was launching her fashion business
I hope and pray for her sake that she stays clean
It breaks my heart to see young people throw away their lives for drugs
It's a life that only leads to hurt, pain, loss and emptiness
For  the addict and everyone around them
I've written about my own experience with legal highs
I once tried a substance called 'Ivory'
Sold as bath salts but I suspect it was mephedrone
It was one the scariest experiences of my life
I literally couldn't stop talking
I've never felt so out of control
I remember trying to make a cup of tea and not being able to get it together enough to carry out this simple
task
I took it on a Saturday and didn't come down until Monday
I cried with relief when I finally felt normal again




Did anyone see this documentary?
What did you think?

Friday, 25 January 2013

Anorexic?

I saw Mary this morning
I was dreading the inevitable weigh in
The first thing she always says to me is 'Shall we get the weigh in out of the way?'
I had planned to refuse to be weighed but curiosity always gets the better of me, even if it did kill the cat
I removed my coat and boots and hat
Carefully stepped on to the scale
Holding my breath as if the air in my lungs would affect the number
I lost weight
Enough to give me a little high
A feeling of satisfaction
Of relief
Having not been weighed in 5 weeks I feared the worst
A big fat gain
And in my frame of mind that would've been enough to tip me right over the edge
Thankfully that didn't happen
But of course a loss is triggering
It makes me want to lose more
And more



The strange thing is that I still question whether I have an eating disorder
I have no doubt that I am bulimic but I don't know if I am anorexic
If I am sick
It's one of the things that stops me from going back in to treatment
The fact that I think I'm not thin enough
But saying that I still felt I wasn't thin enough at 77lbs
I have to keep reminding myself that it is a mental illness and it's not about the number



Mary and I spoke at length about the negatives and positives of holding on to my eating disorder
Of course there are a lot of negatives but there are also positives
There has to be or else we wouldn't continue on this path
For me the positives are that it keeps me numb
I don't have to feel
I don't have to grow up
I don't have to face up to responsibility
I don't have to take the risk of failing because I don't try
I don't have to experience any negatives of life
I don't live in reality
I live in this strange bubble that is my eating disorder
Some comments on my last post suggested that staying in my eating disorder is the easy path
That it takes more courage and strength to choose life
I wasn't sure about this at first
I wasn't sure which was harder, living life or living like this
Living life means taking risks
Putting yourself out there
There is a possibility that I will fail
Fall
There is a possibility that some people won't like me
That I will face rejection
I guess my thinking has been if I don't try then I don't have to face these things
They say we don't regret the things we did, we regret the things we didn't do
I don't want to end up bitter
Cursing myself for the things I didn't do



There is a huge part of me that wants to go one more round with anorexia
To go as low as I can
To reach a new low weight
To tempt fate
Just once more
But of course I used to say that about drugs
Just one more time
Once more and that's it
Unfortunately addiction doesn't work that way
It's not that simple
One turns in to two, turns in to three, turns in to four........
And before you know it your up to your neck in your illness again
As they say in AA 'One is too many and a thousand never enough'
Then there is the other more rational part of me
The part that wants to get well
The last 12 years have been all about my eating disorder an addiction
I've been there
Done that
Bought the extra small t-shirt
Why can't I just accept it's over and move on?
This love affair I've had with anorexia is over
We are like an old married couple
Desperately unhappy but too afraid to do anything about it
Comfortable to live this half life
I need to end this relationship
It's long past it's sell by date
It's rancid
Sour
I've lost too much to this illness
I'm willing to lose any more
So I guess I am trying to pluck up the courage to fight
To fight for my life
My sanity
Anorexia may have won battles in the past but she won't win the war
She can't
She just can't



Do you think it's harder to stay in your eating disorder or to choose life?

Thursday, 24 January 2013

Closest thing to crazy

I've wanted to post the last few days but I just didn't have the energy or the inclination
I seem to have lost the ability to string a coherent sentence together
So instead I will try to say how I'm feeling with words

Afraid



Stuck

Paralysed

Lost



Anxious

Depressed



Suicidal

On the edge

Hopeless



Helpless

Crumbling

Terrified



Falling apart

Slipping

Cracking

Breaking

Drowning



Falling

Insane

Lonely

Crazy



Isolated

Sad

Numb

Scared

Apprehensive

Trapped

I just want this to stop
I want to pull the emergency cord and get off this God for saken train
It's heading for disaster and I'm driving it
I woke up this morning and had this awful feeling that something terrible was going to happen
I struggled to find reasons to get out of bed
To find reasons to go on
I got a lot of comments on my last post suggesting that I go back in to treatment
I am seriously considering it
I just don't know what else to do
Or where to turn
I'm so tired I can't even put on the pretence that I'm ok
I'm abusing my meds again
After doing well for a while I've slipped back
I take them as they're the only relief I get from my eating disorder

I feel like something has snapped in my mind
Like I've crossed over in to crazy
The line between dreams and reality is blurred
I don't know what's real and what's not
I don't even know if I'm real
This all feels like a dream
Or rather a nightmare
A never ending nightmare
I feel like I'm lost in a maze
Constantly running in to dead ends
Can't find the way out
Going round and around in circles
It's exhausting
Draining
It's tempting just to lie down and give up