With every grief, joy repays

I saw Mary this morning
On my way in I met a girl
I used to work for her and her husband
I haven't seen this girl in years but I've run in to her 3 times in the last 2 weeks
I don't like it when I see her
When I worked for her and her husband I was incredibly ill
I used to purge in the staff bathroom
And do totally crazy things like take 2 euros from the till
2 euros
I have no idea why
So when I see her all these memories come flooding back
The guilt is overwhelming
2 euros
This girl and her husband were incredibly kind to me over the years I worked for them
They came to see me in hospital
Invited me to their kids birthdays
So when I got as far as Mary I was a mess
The words tumbled out of me
Mary let me speak and then calmly said
'Stop
Take a deep breath'
I tried to get a hold of myself

She weighed me which was unexpected as she doesn't usually weigh me twice a week
Down another half kilo from Tuesday
The days of getting a high from losing are long gone
Now I  just feel sad
She explained that I am at the BMI where she can no longer see me
That she should really refer me back to my psychiatrist
But she says she doesn't want to do that
She says she knows I can do this

She told me a story about a little girl
She spoke as if the story was about someone else but at the end she said 'I know this story is true because that little girl was me'
I won't share the story with you
I'm sure you understand why
When she finished speaking I burst in to tears
Big fat, salty, tears
She immediately apologised and said she didn't mean to upset me
But I wasn't upset about the story
It was actually a really hopeful story
I was totally disarmed that she had  shared something so personal with me
And she did because she thought it would help me

My father asked me last week if Mary ever gets frustrated with me
The short answer is no
Never
Not once
She is passionate about her work
Determined to help
But frustrated?
No

I came out of the session  feeling really emotional
I think I realised for the first time that someone really believes I can get well
Sees me beyond my ED
Is bending the rules to help me
I've seen umpteen counsellors and therapists over the years
Mary is definitely the exception rather than the rule
I came out emotional but also hopeful
Mary seems so convinced that recovery is possible for me
And she is an expert in her field
She sat with me for an hour and a half this morning and gently helped me write out goals for the week
Usually I write these goals and I have no intention of meeting or even trying to meet them
But today I took some time to write ones that are realistic

Before I saw Mary today, I had been planning to buy enemas
But when I came out I found that I didn't want them anymore
I'm not saying that I've had this amazing epiphany or any thing like it
I suppose I'm feeling more open to change
More open to doing the right thing

Weight loss is not making me happy
I read a blog yesterday and the bloggers UGW is the weight I am now
She probably thinks that she would gladly change places with me
But the truth is I would give my left arm for the life she has
She has a husband
Kids
A home
A life
A purpose
Reaching her UGW is not going to make her happier
All it means is that she now takes up less space
Nothing more

I have been every weight from 77lbs to 130lbs
I can honestly say that I was the happiest when I was closer to 130lbs

Sometimes I think to myself 'I'll just have one more year of anorexia, go as low as I can go and then recover'
But the truth is that I might not have another year
I may have another round of my ED in me
But I do not have another recovery in me
I've been this way for 12 years
And recent events have proved that health problems do happen
I can't live this way and expect to get away with it
My body is hurting
Every time I stand up I have to grab the wall as I get so dizzy and my legs wobble
My energy is no existent
Everything is fuzzy
My mood is definitely effected
Everything is effected
It's killing me slowly

So I have a lot of work to do this week
Mary suggested that I get Ensures or Fortisips
I would rather not
I'll try eating more first and see how I go
I didn't buy binge food today
I'm going to try and eat 3 small meals
Also I'm going to start to improve my environment
My room for starters
I never open the curtains in my room so I'm going to now
I'm going to clean out my wardrobe
I have a shit ton of clothes
My weight changes so often that I keep clothes in every size known to woman
I need to get rid of my 'anorexic clothes'
That will be hard but it has to be done

Today I feel a sliver of hope
I feel like maybe all is not lost
That it's not too late
I'm afraid
I'm terrified that I'll fall flat on my face
But how will I know if I don't try
I want to be the Ruby I used to be
I liked her
This monster of an ED has almost crushed me
Almost broken my spirit
Almost but not quite

Today I feel grateful
For Mary and the impact that she has had on my life
Her words are ringing ears

'With every grief, joy repays'

Underneath your clothes

I've been thinking about how rarely I let my true self out
There are very few people who I am my true self around
I mean where I can just be me
Goofy
Sarcastic
Clumsy
Nerdy
Talkative
Cheeky

I can draw comparisons between my personality and the clothes I wear
On the outside I don't take any great risks with fashion
I wear mostly jeans and baggy jumpers
Safe and not very original but it's how I feel most comfortable
I have way too many pairs of jeans
Every colour
Every shape
Every size known to man
But underneath my clothes lies another layer
My underwear says a lot more about me than my outer clothes
It's colourful
Loud
Clashing colours
I wear little shorts
Orange with leopard print
Purple with stripes
I've never been a matchy, matchy type person
I never match my bra with my pants
I don't tend to wear regular bras
I love boob tube bras of different colours
And socks
I love a crazy pair of socks
I wear knee high socks all the time because my legs get cold
My favourite are stripy socks
I have about a million pairs
I always notice a man's socks
I think it says a lot about a person


My clothes are a lot like my personality
On the outside I blend in
I try to fit in
Be one of the crowd
Don't offend anyone
Don't upset anyone
I like to be liked
But peel back the outer layer and you will find that I'm far from normal
Not as safe and boring as you might think
Underneath there is a crazy chick
Only you won't get to see that until I feel really comfortable around you
It might take a while
It might take some work
But it's worth the wait
I promise you

What do your clothes or your underwear say about you?

Aim

I love this

It actually made me smile

Sometimes it feels it feels like life is playing a trick on me

To see how far it can push me

Ever since I was a child I had a feeling that something amazing was going to happen

That I had a purpose

A reason for being here

I haven't felt that feeling in a long time but sometimes something will happen that will remind me that I used to feel that way

I've always been told that I have a lot of potential

But what does that mean?

That I could so something great

Possibly

Maybe

Something is changing in me

I can feel it

I'm not quite sure what it is yet but it's definitely there

It's like there is a ball of energy inside me

I feel an urge to do something

To break out of my shell

I've gone so low that the only way surely is up

It has to be

I gained weight steadily all last year

Every time Mary weighed me I cried my heart out

I would've done anything to see the number go down

The minute I reached a healthy weight I started to lose it again

And now that the number is going down all I feel is numb

Indifferent

It means nothing anymore

I'm trying

I'm fighting

I'm hoping

I'm believing

I have faith

I want to get well

I want to be free of this thing

It was all a lie

An illusion

A cruel trick

Anorexia befriended me when I was vulnerable

I was an easy target

Not anymore

Not this time

Not this girl

Have you?

Have you ever woken up out of a dream only to be disappointed that you're still here?

Have you ever looked out your window at people and wished that you had one of their lives?



Have you ever almost had a nervous breakdown because you gained 2 pounds?



Have you ever gone so long without washing that your hair sticks to your head with grease and there is dirt caked underneath your finger nails?

Have you ever walked along a cliff and had to physically stop yourself from jumping off?

Have you ever caught someone looking at you and the look on their face says 'That girl is crazy'?

Have you ever eaten out of a bin?

Have you ever wondered if you are going insane?



Have you ever wanted to melt in to the floor because someone told you that you looked well?

Have you ever spun so out of control that you scare yourself?

Have you ever looked at your reflection in the mirror and not recognised yourself?



Have you ever spent so much time alone that you forget how to interact with others?

Have you ever thought back on an event in your life and can't worked out whether it was a dream or if it actually happened?

Have you ever looked at the clock and can't work out if it's 4pm or 4am?

Have you ever realise that you can't remember that last time that you laughed?

Have you ever felt so fucked up that you think all hope is lost?



Have you ever wished that you were seriously ill so at least you'd have a reason to feel so bad?

Have you ever sat in front of a therapist and thought 'You have absolutely no idea what I'm going through?

Have you ever listened to a song on repeat and cried every time?

Have you ever felt so alone in a room full of people?



Have you ever wished that someone would notice you, even just for a second?

Have you ever walked out a shop with a bag full of food without paying and half hoped that you would get caught?

Have you ever felt so cold that it gets in to your bones?

Have you ever felt like you can't connect with yourself never mind others?

Have you ever cut your own skin, just to see if you still feel?



Have you ever felt so angry and frustrated that you're still here?

Have you ever blinked and years have gone by?

Have you ever felt that your life is like a broken jigsaw and you can't for the life of you put the pieces back together?

Have you ever felt like you were destined for great things but you're too afraid to find out what they are?

Have you ever measured your self worth by the numbers on a scale, the smaller the number the better you feel?

Have you ever wondered what is the point?



Have you ever wished that no one cared so it would be easier to disappear?

Have you ever fantasized about the needle that you used to inject in to your neck?

Have you ever realised that the one thing you want is the one thing you can't have?

Have realised that you are hanging on for other people?

I have.....

See you on the flip side

I've decided to take a break from blogging
I'm not sure for how long
Maybe a week
Maybe a month
I just need some time to sort my head out
To sort my life out
I've been treading water for too long
Stuck in this limbo, somewhere between my ED and recovery
I need to do something
This isn't goodbye, not at all
More like see you later
Take care of yourselves
Be kind to yourselves
Be true to yourselves
Each and everyone of you have touched my life in some way and I'm so grateful for that
Please feel free to contact me by email if you want
I'll always reply
I will be back
I just don't know when
See you on the flip side

All my love,

Ruby x

Me V ED

I've made a decision
I'm going to try
I'm going to fight
I have to
This has gone on for far too long
I've lost too much
I can't afford to lose anymore
I've lost 12 years to this illness
12
Years
Starting tomorrow I'm waging a war against my eating disorder
I'm going to kick her ass in to next week
I know she will fight back but I know her too well
I know her tricks
I know how she manipulates me
I can fight dirty too

I'm going to try and eat breakfast, lunch and dinner
I'm going to choose my foods carefully
Avoid binge food
Distract after eating
The temptation to lose weight is still very much there
But I've been there
Done that
Bought the extra small t-shirt

I want to want to get well
I want to break out of this prison
I want to be able to eat without feeling guilty
I want to eat and not have the overwhelming urge to purge
I want to eat and not want to kill myself
I want friends
I want to go to the cinema and eat buttery popcorn
I want to laugh until my sides hurt
I want to cry salty tears
I want to be able to feel emotion without wanting to escape
I want to be able to cope
I want to feel good about myself
I want to look in the mirror and not want to smash it
I want like and accept myself
I want to grow up
I want to be independent
I want peace of mind
For me and my family
I want to stand up and not feel like the floor is pulling me down face first
I want to learn
I want to love
I want to dance and not care whose watching
I want to write
I want to wake up in the morning and not dread the day ahead
I want to help others in the same position as me
I want my parents to be proud of me
I want to take my meds properly
I want to have a purpose
I want to have fun

I don't want to be afraid all the time
I don't want to measure my self worth by the numbers on the scale
I don't want to live in this limbo
I don't want to live in a constant state of anxiety
I don't want to be bitter and resentful
I don't want to have regrets
I don't want to live this half life
I don't want to give up
I don't want to want to die
I don't want to care what others think about me

I want to learn how to cope
I want to realise that everything can't be solved by taking pills
I want to feel that I'll be ok
I want to be a better person
I want to stop shoplifting
I want to make my own decisions
I want to to wake up in the morning and think 'I don't want to die today'

I feel a sliver of hope
Mary says that she knows I can do it
That I can get well
And for the first time in a long time, I think that too
Maybe I can do this
Maybe my ED has been lying to me
Maybe I can put the jigsaw that is my life back together
Maybe all is not lost

I don't doubt that this thing will kill me if I don't take action
I'm afraid to recover but I'm more afraid to stay this way
All I can do is try
Do my best
I think I want to live
I think I really do.....

The Binge Monster!

I have very few words any more
I just don't know what else to write or what else to do
Mu aunt has been here for the past week so I had to be very sneaky about my binging and purging
Maybe that's why I've been doing it at night
We dropped her off  the airport yesterday
Sunday is usually my worst day
I thought that because I had been out all day that I had got away with it
But when I came home that evening, the binge purge monster reared it's ugly head
The kitchen was already stocked from the day before so I had plenty of food to hand
I started off slow
Tried to convince myself that I would only do it once
But the more I ate, the more I purged
The more I purged the more I ate
I get in a state where I'm like a zombie or a robot
Mechanically preparing food
Eating on auto pilot
I don't even taste the food
I'm already on my way to the bathroom with the last bite in my mouth
And when I get in to that state I can't stop
I literally can't stop
I have this massive compulsion for more, more, more
An insatiable appetite
The food never tastes as good as I think it will
In my head it will be the best food I've ever tasted
But in reality it's just cheap supermarket crap
I prepare food that take a short time to cook and a long time to eat
All washed down with lashings of 7up free
All the better to purge with my dear

After finally going to sleep at about 2am this morning, I remember thinking that this is the last time I do this
I remember vowing to start afresh today
Monday being the start of a new week and a new Ruby
But then it's Monday and all my resolve floats away
The binge purge monster has had a nights sleep and is ready for another round
I went shopping with my mother this morning
It was plainly obvious that I was planning a binge as I went to 4, yes 4 shops to stock up on food
If she hadn't been there I would've not paid for it
I'm literally spending all my money on food and I hate that
Such a waste

So now it's early afternoon and the fridge is stocked
The thought of another day on this merry-go-round makes me want to go back to bed and sleep forever
No matter how much I eat it's never enough
It reminds me of my drug using days
I was always a greedy addict
One is too many and a thousand never enough, as they say
It's hard for me to admit to this behaviour
Who wants to admit they are entangled in a messy love affair with food
I think most people on some level can understand alcoholism and drug addiction
Even sex and love addiction
But ED's and food addiction?
I think very few understand
Only those who have been through it really know
And it's very difficult to explain to someone without sounding just a bit insane
Dealing with food issues can be trickier than drug or alcohol addiction
With drugsI could completely cut them out of my life
I moved to get away from old friends
I started afresh
A whole new life
But with food it's not that simple
I can't cut food out completely
Well I could but that would defeat the purpose
I have to find a healthy balance
I don't have to be around drugs
But food is everywhere
And because it's so readily available, it's that much harder to resist
I find that once I start eating I find it next to impossible to stop
That's why I stopped eating
Because I was so afraid of spinning out of control
And I do feel totally out of control
It's a scary feeling

I'm not being 100% honest with Mary
I think she thinks I am doing a lot better than I am
I haven't been keeping the food records she asked me to keep
I'm too ashamed to show or tell anyone about my eating habits
I don't know how much more she can do to help me
2 hours a week is not enough
And I know what she will say
What she has being saying since day one
If I eat regularly then I won't binge, then I won't purge
It sounds so simple
So easy
Then why the freakin' hell can't I do it
Billions of people all around the world manage to do it every single day
But you might as well ask me to climb Mount Everest in a bikini

So I'm throwing the question over to you
What helps you?
How do manage to overcome binging/purging and restricting?
How do you fight the monster that is this illness?
Any suggestions welcome