And then she escaped

My sister suggested that I change the name of my blog to And then she escaped
Maybe I will

It's Monday morning and I'm just back from the doctor
After talking about sport for about 10mins, he asks me how I got on with the methadone reduction
I was pleased to report that my week was uneventful with not a whiff of withdrawal
I ask him how long he thinks it will take to come off it completely and he figures it will take about a year dropping 2mls at a time
I also want to know if he has supervised any other detoxes
He said that he has and they were successful
That's encouraging
He explains that because I have been stable for such a long time, he doesn't anticipate any difficulties
In his eyes I may be stable long term but in truth I am only stable a few months
I never really told him about my abusing my meds and it's only recently that I've got that under control
All the while we are talking I am coughing and spluttering
He asks if I have a cold
I have for the last 2 weeks and I can't see to shake it
He says he will keep an eye on it

I haven't weighed myself since Mary weighed me on Tuesday
I have no idea what my weight is
My ED is telling me that I gained but I know better than to take her word for it
I don't know why I stopped weighing
It wasn't a conscious decision
I just don't feel that overwhelming urge to know theMy b number
I don't miss it
Not one little bit
I don't miss the anxiety before I step on the scale praying for a kind number
I don't miss the high I get when I see that I've lost weight
I don't miss the black cloud that descends over me when I have gained
The feeling that I am worthless
Fat
A failure
I don't miss my day being ruined because the number is up
My mood being dictated by those little red numbers
Literally measuring my worth in pounds and ouncez
In fact it is so freeing to not know the number
Mary will weigh me tomorrow and that's ok
I may or may not look at the number, I haven't decided yet

I was in the chemist this morning
They have one of those scales that measure your weight, height, BMI and blood pressure
There was a girl weighing herself
She took off her shoes and as she stood on it she closed her eyes
I know that feeling
It crossed my mind that she might have an ED
As she collected her slip of paper she studied it carefully
I wanted to run up to her and say 'Don't do it! Don't weigh yourself! No good can come of it. Don't define yourself by a number, a scale can't measure how beautiful you are!
It's easy to say these words but I know myself that breaking free of the dreaded scale is very difficult
It's an addiction in itself

My birthday came and went just like any other day
I was blown away by all the comments, messages, emails and cards that I received
As I said in my last post my family and I went for afternoon tea in Castle Dargan
It was so lovely and the setting was beautiful
It was a marked difference to my birthday last year
Last year I didn't want to do anything for my birthday
I just wanted to ignore it
My mother cooked dinner for my, my sister and my nephew
After dinner we were having tea and I ended up having a huge argument with my sister about her not allowing me to babysit my nephew
My sister left angry and I'm sure Oisin heard us
All in all it was a disaster
Thankfully this year was very different
I am in a better place mentally
Last year even though I was at a healthy weight, mentally I was in a very bad place
I couldn't see a way out
I was bitter and resentful
Full of self hatred
This year things are a little better in that respect
I'm slowly learning to like and accept myself
To forgive myself
To be free to be me
I often judge myself on past behaviour and things I did when I was in active addiction
I could beat myself up for the rest of my life but where would that get me?
I have to forgive myself, make amends where I can and let it go
I'm not a bad person
Yes, I have done some bad things and made bad choices but I've learned from my mistakes and I do try to be a better person

I've always had a hard time accepting myself and sought to be accepted by others
I was a people pleaser
I did many things to get people to like me
I changed my looks
I wore different clothes
I even changed my personality to fit in with other people
I remember when I was living in Dublin I changed my accent in the hopes that I would be accepted
Now it's not so important to me
I'm learning to accept that some people will like me and some people won't
And that's ok
I try not to change myself to fit on with others
I dress the way I want to
I just try to be me

Here's some photos of my birthday, enjoy...........

Outfit for the day

My sister and nephew gave me this mug, he he!

Happy Birthday!

It's my birthday tomorrow but I'm going to write about it today as I won't get a chance tomorrow
My family asked me what I would like to do to celebrate it so I suggested we go for afternoon tea in Castle Dargan
Again? I hear you cry
Yes this will be the third time I have gone for afternoon tea in the last couple of months but I love it!
It's a really lovely thing to do so expect lots of photos next post

Castle Dargan

Time is passing by so fast

I swear I blinked and a year went by

Birthdays are a funny time of year for me

More than turning a year older, it's a reminder that I've clocked up yet another year in the midst of this illness

13 years and counting

Almost half my life

13 years of living this half life

13 years of weight loss and weight gain

13 years of recovery and relapse

Of treatment and therapy

Of medication

Of being on the edge of society

Of isolating myself

Of being is self destruct mode

Of hopes raised and dashed

Of seeing doctors, psychiatrists and therapists

Of hating myself and loathing my body

I've given my ED the best years of my life and I'm not willing to lose another decade

I remember 2 birthdays ago I panicked at the thought of another year of being eating disordered

I rang  a treatment centre with the intentions of admitting myself

But I never got beyond the initial phone call

It took me a year to muster up the courage to ring back

This year has to be better

It just has to be

The last 12 months have been a roller coaster

Crippling lows and euphoric highs

I crave evenness

Steadiness

Balance

Bouncing from top to bottom makes me feel a bit crazy

I guess I just want to feel normal

As in not low and not high

Somewhere in between

Somewhere I can have peace of mind

Without the voice of my ED screaming in my ear

I do feel hopeful about this year

Hopeful that I can turn a corner and embrace recovery

Not just play the part of a recovered person

And I do play the part

Anyone who knows me or knows anything about EDs can see through the thin veil of my act

But to the untrained eye I think I seem perfectly fine

I want to 'walk the walk'

Not just 'talk the talk'

I know that I have a long road ahead of me

It can take months to recover physically

Years to recover mentally

 A life time to get over it completely

But that's ok

I'm in it for the long haul

PS. Mum's present to me was a trip to the hairdresser, here's the result!

Sideways

I saw Mary yesterday for the first time since July
I thought about cancelling to avoid being weighed but that is just prolonging the inevitable
It was a very positive session
I told her all about  my summer adventures
Yes, there were positives but something's never change
My intake is not great and the purging is ever present
She asks me how I feel about being weighed
As always I feel shit about being weighed but I agree to do it
I couldn't bring myself to look at the number but Mary told me it was the same as it was back in July
I felt relieved

We talk for a while about weight restoration
I explain that I don't think I need to gain weight
That I think I'm at quite a normal healthy weight
I don't think I look underweight and I sure don't feel underweight
Technically yes, I am underweight but not dangerously low
Mary says that to be healthy I need to gain about Xkg at a rate of 0.5kg per week
The weight she wants me to reach would give me a BMI of 19
She said that it's unrealistic to expect me to gain more than that
I was at a BMI of 19 just a few short months ago
I tried to remember what I felt like at that weight
I wasn't particularly happy but I wasn't devastated either
I was just kind of ok with it
But could I live with a BMI of 19?
If I'm honest, no I can't
Not yet
I'm not ready

I'm supposed to try and not purge between yesterday and Friday when I'm seeing Mary again
But even as she's saying the words I know that's not going to happen
To me purging is an addiction
One that is near impossible to break
In the last 10 years I haven't gone more than a few days without purging
It's normal now
It's part of eating
I don't know how to stop
I don't know if I want to stop
Part of me has just accepted that this is the way things are
Sad but true

When I was growing I had 2 bestfriends
They were sisters and lived 2 houses up from mine
Sarah was a year younger than me and Jean was a year older
We saw each other every single day
We went to school together
We hung out together
Did everything together
We experienced all the mile stones and rites of passage of growing up together
After we left school we went our separate ways
We could go for years without seeing each other but when we met up we picked up where we had left off
Sarah lives in the UK now and Jean lives in Co. Kerry
I haven't seen either of them in about 7 or 8 years but from time to time I hear bits of news about them
Sarah got married a few years ago and this week I heard that Jean is to be married soon
To the boy she started seeing when she was a young teenager
It's stranger to see how differently our lives have turned out
They have grown up, moved out, gone to college, got jobs an boyfriends that are now husbands
My life has panned out very differently
I have never really grown up
I haven't developed and grown in to an adult
I've stayed the same
My ED has almost stopped time for me
My friends have moved forward but I move neither forwards or backwards
I only move sideways
I stay stuck in the same place
In this half life that is my ED

It makes me sad to think of this
As happy as I am for my friends, I can't help but feel but compare myself and my life
It's not that I want to get married
But I want the option to get married
I want the option to go to college
To get a job
A boyfriend
More than anything I want my own place
My own little corner of the world
Where I can be independent
Where I can surround myself with things that I like
Where I can do my own thing
Don't get me wrong I love living with my mother but this is her house
I'm living under her rules
And I know the only way to do this is to get well
And that includes weight restoration
I can't recover and stay at this weight
It would be like me giving up drugs but continuing to drink alcohol
It just doesn't work
So I guess it boils down to which do I want more
To be underweight and miserable?
Or a healthy weight and have a chance at happiness?
This dilemma should have an easy answer but it doesn't
And this is what keeps me so stuck

I feel like I am at a crossroads once again
I struggle with the smallest decision so this is so overwhelming
If I could just loosen the reigns of me ED I would  have a fighting chance
 I just need to trust the process
Trust that recovery is a better way
It's my birthday in a few days
Where does the time go?
It slips by so very fast

PS, I'm sorry that I haven't been replying to comments recently but I will do my best to reply today

28

I saw my doctor first thing this morning
He asks me what I'm up to today
I say that I'm going home to watch Seamus Heaney's funeral on tv
Seamus Heaney was Ireland's and possibly the worlds best known Irish poet
He died last week
The minute I mention the poets name my doctor pushes back his chair from his desk and tells me some of his own 'Seamus stories'
Someone said last week that everyone has a Seamus story'
I think this must be true because even I have one
Last year he was coming to my town to give a reading
My mother bought the tickets 6 months in advance
I have to admit at the time I was in quite a bad place and did not realise the significance of seeing Seamus Heaney read his own work
I studied his poems at school but did not really appreciate them at the time
My brother, his girlfriend, my mother and I all went to the reading
I was abusing my meds at this time and at some point in the evening I fell asleep in the theatre and missed most of the reading
I must be the only person ever who has fallen asleep at a Seamus Heaney reading
My brother must have been disgusted as he is also a writer
But I had enough medication in me to tranquillize a horse
I'm sure Seamus would have understood
Anyway it was my loss

After we swapped Seamus stories my doctor my doctor raised the subject of reducing my methadone
Darn it!
I thought he might have forgotten
I say that I don't feel ready but I guess if I waited until I was ready I would probably never do it
I ask how much he wants to reduce it and suggest 1ml
3mls he says
2mls I say
Ok that's a compromise
He says that measuring  out 28mls may be tricky so he gives a syringe so I can be as accurate as I can
So I guess all I can do is just see how I get on
I don't anticipate any major symptoms of dropping 2mls but it's more a psychological thing
Just knowing that I am taking less makes me feel different
But to look at the positives it is a step forward
A step towards becoming completely clean
That has to be a good thing
Right?




My mother received a phone call this morning from a work colleague
My mother works in adult education and a student had approached this colleague about her son
He is 20 and has anorexia she is very worried about him
Knowing that I have an ED this colleague contacted my mother to ask for some advice so she came to me to ask what I thought
I don't know very much about the young man
But apparently his mother is thinking of having him sectioned
I don't think that's a good idea at all
If he is sectioned he will be put in to a public psychiatric hospital and won't get any specialized help there
And if he has a bad experience there (which is a distinct possibility) it may put him off seeking help in the future
Beyond that I am really not sure what to tell this woman
I suggest that mother give this lady the number of the hospital I was treated in which she does
I considered maybe giving this guy my number so he could contact me if he wished but having thought about it I don't know if that's a good idea
I am not in a place where I am qualified to be giving out advice and I would feel like a hypocrite telling someone what the should be doing when I'm not taking my own advice
Also I would worry about being triggered by this person
In NA they drum home the message that when you are getting clean off drugs, you have to help yourself before you help anyone else
Helping newly clean addicts is left to those who have a significant amount of time and experience being clean
It can be massively triggering being around someone who is just in the door just as can be triggering to be around someone who is still in the throes of their ED

Then there is the question of whether this guy wants to get well
He is 20  and I got the impression that he wasn't suffering too long
Maybe a couple of years
I do believe that unless the person wants to get well, then all the therapy, counselling, treatment, love and support doesn't mean a damn unless the person themselves wants to get well
They say that the earlier the illness is caught, the more chance the sufferer has of getting well
I don't think that is always the case though
I think that if a person has had the illness for a short period of time, then they could still be in the 'Honeymoon stage' where they are only experiencing those initial highs of losing weight and feeling great
Because they are only experiencing the highs and not too many of the lows yet, they may be reluctant to give up their ED
It's only months or even years down the road that the negative impact may become apparent
So it's hard to know what to say to this guy
He may be just as the beginning of his 'ED career' and anything I say may go in one ear and out the other
But it's worth a try  I guess

I think back to the early days of my ED
I was just a year younger than this guy when I first developed anorexia although it wasn't until I was about 23 that I acknowledged it
Over the years a lot of people including family, friends and professionals tried to talk sense in to me
But it is no use trying to use rational and common sense to try and conquer something that makes utterly no sense
Something as complex and paradoxical as as ED needs a different approach
You can tell an ED sufferer they are not fat all day long and they will never believe you
They need hard evidence and fact that this is the case
We need hard proof
Not some family members opinion and anyway we will often not believe our own families because we think they are only saying that because they are family
Then there is the common belief among sufferers that they are not sick or not sick enough
We don't believe that we are underweight so therefore there is no problem
And even when we do acknowledge that there is a problem, it's very difficult to put up your hand and say 'I'm struggling here and I need help'
And especially with mental health given the stigma that is still attached to it

I remember when I attended the ED conference in my town back in February
A GP asked what she could do to help ED sufferers who came to her for help
I thought this was a really good question as GPs are often the first port of call for someone who is seeking help for an ED
I've thought a lot about this question since and I think there are a few things that they can do to help
Listen
It's so important for the sufferer to feel that they are being heard
Try and make the sufferer feel at ease so they feel comfortable enough to be honest
Be patient
The sufferer will probably not tell you the full story in the first appointment so definitely make a follow up appointment
Make sure that the sufferer knows that you are taking their case seriously
I think not making a big deal about weight is important
For the first few years of my illness I never weighed myself and was not aware of what I weighed
But then doctors started weighing me and the numbers seemed important to them so they became important to me
Also I think GPs should be aware that whatever a sufferer is telling them is probably only part of the story as it's difficult to be completely honest about our EDs especially in the first meeting

My heart goes out to this guy, it really does
I hope and pray that he can overcome this cruel illness
But in reality I think all I can do is point him in the direction of people who can help him much more than me
That's all I can do
It's really down to him and how much he wants to get well

I was wondering about you
What advice would you give this guy?
Do you think there is anything anyone can say to him that will make a difference?

Binge Eating: Weighing The Facts, Part 1

Since I am trying very hard to get control of my binging and purging I thought I would dedicate 2 posts to dealing with it
This is Part 1 and I'll post Part 2 next week
Technically my ED is defined as anorexia with a binge purge sub type
I don't have binge eating disorder but that doesn't mean that I don't experience binges
Mary tells me that my binges are not true binges
I tend to eat a normal amount eg a sandwich, and purge afterwards
But I do this over and over again, sometimes up tp 10 times a day
I don't eat vast quantities of food on one sitting
But I do eat a lot of food over lots of little settings if that makes sense
So in my efforts to avoid binging I've had to stop and take a good hard look at my behaviour
I am writing this post for you as well as for myself



So lets start with some definitions

Binge: A period of unrestrained, immoderate self indulgence. A period of excessive or uncontrolled indulgence in food or drink
Binge eating: Uncontrolled ingestion of large quantities of food in a discrete interval, often with a lack of self control over the activity. A pattern of eating marked by episodes of rapid consumption of large amounts of food, usually food that is high is calories
Binge Eating Disorder (BED): Characterized by consuming large quantities of food in a very short period of time, until the individual is uncomfortably full. BED is much like bulimia except the individuals do not use any form of purging following a binge. Individuals usually feel out of control during a binge episode, followed by feelings of guilt and shame. Many individuals who suffer with BED use food as a way to cope with or block out feelings and emotions that they do not want to feel. Individuals can also use food as a way to numb themselves, to cope with daily life stresses, to provide comfort to themselves of fill a void they feel within. Like all EDs BED is a serious problem but can be overcome through proper treatment.

Signs and Symptoms:

 - Weigh gain
 - Feeling out of control over eating
 - Low self esteem
 - Depression
 - Anxiety
 - Fluctuations in weight
 - Loss of sexual desire
 - Hiding food
 - Feelings of guilt and shame
 - Disgusted with self
 - Trying many different diets.
 - Belief that life will get better if they lose weight
 - Secretive eating patterns
 - Avoidance of social situations where food is present
 - Suicidal thoughts




Causes of BED:
BED has many causes. It can have biological causes such as a malfunctioning hypothalmus that is not telling the brain when you are full. There is also a genetic mutation that causes food addiction, which plays a big role in binge eating. Serotonin is a chemical in the brain that can trigger binge eating. People who are suffering from depression, low self esteem, body dissatisfaction and loneliness are more susceptible to becoming compulsive eaters. My binging started when I was addicted to drugs. When I was using I just didn't eat. Son on days that I had no drugs my hunger would hit me like a tonne of bricks and I ate a lot. However I don't fit the criteria for BED because I purge after my binge


Here are something's that could help you and me overcome binging

1. - Eat!
I can't stress how important this is. It might sound strange to think that eating helps prevent binging but it really does. Here's why. Sometimes I end up binging because I am ravenous with hunger. If I haven't eaten all day there is a pretty good chance that I will binge. The longer I go without food the more likely I am to binge. I try to pre-empt a binge by eating little and often. If I have food in my system then I am a lot less likely to binge. Eating regularly keeps my blood sugar stable so it doesn't spike and then drop. It makes perfect sense really.

2. - Question your hunger
If I feel a binge coming on I try to stop and ask myself 'Am I really hungry?' Sometimes I can mistake thirst for hunger so I try drinking some water and see how I feel then

3. - Recognize why you want to binge
If the binge is still heading my way I try to recognize if I am actually hungry or emotionally hungry. Why am I about to binge? Am I bored? Sad? Angry? Anxious? Happy? For me binge eating is a coping mechanism that I use to manage painful emotions. By binge eating I am 'stuffing down' the pain or 'eating my feelings'. More often than not I choose to binge because it makes me feel better in the short term.





4. - Acknowledge the feeling
Acknowledge the feeling that you have identified and allow yourself to feel it. I like to think of emotions as waves. Like waves they come in thick and fast and can be overwhelming and intense. But if we can just wait and ride it out, the wave will eventually break and retreat back in to the sea. I binge eat to avoid pain that I feel I can't deal with. By identifying the underlying cause of the binge eating I can diffuse the trigger that sets off the episodes.

5. - Delay, Delay, Delay!
This can work really well and I also use this method if I get a craving for drugs. If  that dreaded binge is being persistent, I try to give myself a cooling off period. When I feel the urge I try and wait 15mins and keep delaying until the urge passes ( and it will pass!)

6.- Distract!
This is essential and a very powerful tool in the fight against binge eating. For me boredom can be a massive trigger and I try to do something that distracts me both mentally and physically. If I feel a binge coming on if I can I get out of the house as just being in the kitchen at that time can be a trigger. I go for a drive. Walk my dogs. Call to a friend. Anything that will take my mind off food. Writing. Phoning someone. Cleaning. Clearing out my wardrobe. It's a great way to pass the time until the urge has passed. I find that when I'm watching tv I can be triggered when the adverts come on. It's like a cue to go in to the kitchen and make a snack. I still struggle with this massively.

7. - Don't keep binge food in the house
Ok I also struggle with this one. I really have to work on not keeping binge food around because if it's there I will eat it.



8. - Don not diet or cut out whole food groups
This will on only lead you to crave the foods that you have forbidden and may lead to a binge. I like to live by the rule Everything in moderation, including moderation

9. - Educate yourself
Try reading about the science behind why the body wants to binge and purge. At least then you will understand and be aware of why you do the things you do. Knowledge is power!

10. - Don't say 'Fuck it!'
You know when you are eating and you eat more than you want to? I end up saying Fuck it! and eat everything in sight. My thinking being 'Well I've eaten this much I may as well keep going and start fresh tomorrow. It's never too late to start over. Even if you have binged 100 times that day, you can still put the brakes on and take control. This is very difficult but it can be done.

11. - Develop positive coping tools
Write a list of the things that you can turn to when you feel the binge monster is knocking on your door. Exercise, yoga. dancing, meditation, mindfulness. Whatever it is that allows you to deal with your emotions in a positive and constructive way. I am yet to master this one.

12. - Join a support group
AA and NA work for millions of people around the world who are trying to stay clean and EDs including BED are a form of addiction so this is something really worth doing. I remember a therapist told me once that we get well quicker in a group setting than we do in one to one therapy. Because people share their own experiences and we are comforted by the fact that we are not alone. Also we can trade ideas, tips and coping strategies about what works for us. I used to attend support groups including a food group and I found them invaluable. There is something so magical about a group of people getting together to help and support each other get well. I haven't been to a group in over a year since I relapsed but I hope to go back someday.


13. - Seek out therapy
If you are not comfortable sharing in a group session then maybe therapy is for you. Find a therapist that specializes in EDs if you can. The therapist will keep track of your moods and maybe ask you to keep a food diary. They will help you both develop habits that are healthy and rid those that contribute to you problem.

14. - Medication
There are many types of meds that can help to stop BED. For instance some anti depressants have been shown to limit binge eating but the relapse rate is very high. Anti depressants are often used in correlation with therapy to help halt the behaviour and reduce triggers. Many doctors will recommend a combination of both meds and therapy in order to promote healthy weight and life style choices. Personally I've never used meds to control binging and I do know of people who have and it did indeed help.

15 - Get out!
When all else fails, get out of the house, away from food and triggers and go for a brisk walk. Maybe listen to some uplifting music and literally walk away from the binge. Walking my dogs and listening to the radio is a great way to get out of my head and gives me a chance to snap out of a negative frame of mind



I hope this has been of some help to you if you are struggling with binge eating
I'll post Part 2 next week

Take care

Ruby x
       

Summertime sadness

I saw my doctor on Monday
He is now back full time after having been off for a few months
He brings up the subject of reducing my methadone that day
Before he left he had been planning to start reducing it but obviously that never happened
I say that I need a bit more warning
That I wasn't prepared for a drop today
'One week' he says
'Two weeks' I say
I haggle with him for a few minutes but he won't budge
Next week it is
He asks me why I am so reluctant to reduce it
I'm honest and tell him that I am afraid of relapsing
I ask him how long it will take to come off it completely
'At the rate your going I have no idea' he says
I bite my tongue
He says that I worry over things that I needn't worry about
Again I bite my tongue
Call me crazy but worrying about my possible relapse back in to heroin addiction is not something I take lightly
It scares the shit out of me
I still have nightmares about relapsing

They say that while you are in recovery, your addiction is doing push ups
They say that when you relapse, you pick up where you left off
And I left off in a horrific place
I don't want to go back there
Not for all the tea in China
And now that I think about it, we didn't agree on how much he's going to drop the methadone
1ml?
5ml?
Another thing to haggle about

I've been on methadone for almost 10 years
Although I haven't been clean that long
I am only clean a couple of years
And I've only just started to take my meds properly so really I am only a couple of months clean
I started off on 70 mls of methadone
And over the years have worked my way down to 30mls
Going from 30mls to 0mls is going to be a lot harder than going from 70mls to 30mls
If I had my way I would never come off it
But I don't so I can't

Remember I said that I thought I had gained about 7lbs while on holiday?
Well I came home and I was shitting bricks at the thought of weighing myself
I put it off
Kept putting it off
Then finally bit the bullet on Monday
I had a specific number in mind
Anything higher than that I just didn't know how I would deal with it
Stand on scale
Deep breath
Watch the little red numbers flicker then settle
I gained
The grand total of 1lb
Alleluia!!
My greatest fear was not realised
I can not tell you how relieved I am
I was so sure that I had gained a significant amount
This is the third time that this is happened to me this summer
Will I ever learn?

So the summer is coming to an end
I remember back in May I was absolutely dreading the coming summer
I just wanted to fast forward time and get it over and done with
But as it turns out I had a great summer
It was challenging to say the least but somehow I got through it
I went to Dublin for a few days
I went for afternoon tea with my mother and auntie B
I went to Galway for a week where I managed to eat 2 meals without purging
I organized our trip to Achill
I spent time with my nephew
I laughed a lot
Had so much fun
I tried to not let my ED spoil things for me
I pushed myself socially
My mood was good
My weight was stable
All in all it was a jolly good time

Now everyone is going back to work and college and I have to find something to do
A purpose
A reason to get up in the morning
The day is very long when you have nothing to do and no where to go
I have signed up for a creative writing course but that doesn't start until October
I'm also thinking of starting Zumba
I need a hobby
Something to keep my mind off my ED
I'm feeling quite positive and motivated so I want to keep it that way
It s' funny, I only realise how miserable I was when I start to feel better
And it can be a dangerous place to be as I realise how sick I actually am
But I don't have to stay that way
I can help myself
And for the first time in a long time I actually want to


What about you?
Did you have a good summer?
Are you glad or sad that it's over?

Oisin and Ruby

It's out last day here in Achill
My sister and nephew left last night and we return home tomorrow morning
I can't tell you how excited I am to see my dogs
I've missed them so much

This week has gone a lot better than I thought it would
We all got on well
No family arguments
No tension
Just lots of laughter and fun
Of course food has been a problem as it always is
I've purged multiple times every day
I've also used enemas every day
I fear that I have gained between 5 and 7 pounds
The thought of weighing in on Sunday is both terrifying and thrilling
I am preparing myself for the worst

Something amazing happened this week
And that is my relationship with my nephew
For most of his life I have either been in active addiction or in the throes of my ED
I had little or no interest in his life and I made practically no effort to forge a relationship with him
I've been on holiday with him before but I spent most of the time in the pub and no time with him
As mean as it sounds he got in the way of my using
Any one who has been addicted to drugs will know what I mean
One thing we have always had in common is our love of animals
He loves my dogs just as much as I do
But beyond that we weren't close at all
So he turned 13 recently and suddenly over night he went from being a little boy and turned in to a teenager
He's growing up so fast
I am so happy to report that we got on fantastically this week
We hung out together loads
I think I spent more time with him this week than I have in the last year
I loved it
We goofed around
Laughed lots
Slagged the 'adults'
I think the fact that I have never really grown up helped
I am still a big kid
I think my mental age is about 15 or 16
Now at then end of the week I really feel like we have made great strides in getting closer
He is such a lovely kid
So cheeky
So mischevious
Witty
Sarcastic
We spent a whole day telling jokes about poo
Now it is up to me to keep this going
When I'm at home I rarely call down to their house
Never did anything with him
We went horse riding here yesterday and I suggested to Oisin that we go once a month when we get home
He seems keen and I am too

As hard as it is to admit this, I think one of the reasons I struggled to get close to my nephew was that I was jealous of him
Up until he came along, I was the baby of the family
I got all the attention and I was used to that
Everyone doted on me and I was a  bit spoilt really
Then along comes this little boy and he steals my thunder
All of a sudden I'm not the baby anymore
The focus is off me
So I had built up a resentment against him
I hated myself for feeling that way but that was the truth
I think wanting attention is a very human thing
We want to be noticed
We want people to give us their time and attention
In the past I have done some pretty outrageous things to get attention
Somewhere along the way I got the idea from somewhere that if people felt sorry for me, then they would like me
So when I was a young teenager I told some lies to friends because I wanted them to like me
I wasn't enough
I felt that I had to make stuff up in order to keep my friends
I also liked to shock people
I'd get a great buzz out of people's reactions to my stories
To this day I still feel guilty for telling those lies
But I have to let it go

I remember the first time I went to drug treatment
I told one of the lads there that I had an ED
He asked me was I doing it to get attention
I was highly insulted
My ED wasn't about trying to get attention
It was about not liking or accepting myself
It was about being depressed and anxious and confused
But yes, my ED has gotten me a lot of attention over the years
People don't seem to have the same empathy for drug users the way they have empathy for people with an ED
Why?
I'm not quite sure
I have to admit that I have liked the attention that I have got
I guess it makes me feel special
And that's another reason why I hang on to my ED
To retain that special feeling
But I think most people, even if they didn't admit it, like to get some attention
It's a nice feeling for someone to show an interest in you
But like a lot of things, it is addictive
Hence why some people go on to become attention seekers
I'd like to think that I am not an attention seeker
At least I hope that I'm not

What about you?
Do you enjoy attention?
Or do you shy away from it?

Last of the Achill photos...........