Happy St. Patrick's Day!!

It's the 17th of March
St. Patrick's Day
I'm ashamed to admit that I had to ask my mother to remind what St. Patrick's Day is all about
Because you see in this country, to most people, this day means two things

1. Day off work

2. Almighty piss up!!

I'm sure that I did know somewhere in the back of my head what this day means but I needed a little reminder
Basically St. Patrick brought Christianity to Ireland
And banished all of the snakes
The snakes being a symbol of evil and the Devil

Anyway
History lesoen over

In my former life I was one of those people heading to the pub today
I was downing pints and knocking back shots and taking whatever was going
Not anymore

Today I got up early and went for a walk with my mum and dogs
I could tell you about about it
Instead here's some photos for your delectation
Enjoy......

Lea enjoying a dip!

Missing shoe!

Mum and me selfie-ing!

Slainte!

Happy St. Patrick's Day!
What are you doing today to celebrate?

For you

This week has been hard
On Monday when I stocked up on my meds, I took a handful of them in a bid to escape reality and get out of my own head
I remember nothing about that day other than my mother being really annoyed with me (and rightly so) and spilling endless cups of tea
I woke up on Tuesday morning with a foggy head
I checked my meds to see how much I had taken
There were 6 sleeping tablets and 6 anti anxiety meds missing
I also had mysterious burns on my legs
I hate that I worried my mother so much
I hate that I am doing this to myself and my family
It felt like I had hit a rock bottom
My self worth was at an all time low

I woke up on Wednesday morning determined to turn things around
I arranged to meet up with a girl that I was in treatment with
But even leaving the house was a massive deal
Dressing was difficult
And I was anxious about driving my new car
What if I crash?
What if I leave the cooker on and the house burns down while I am gone?
What if I can't cope?
What if? What if? What if?..........

Anyway I managed to leave my house and set off
It was lovely to see my friend
She is doing great
Now she struggles but she is not letting her ed win
We had a great chat
We talked about how our eds stem from negative core beliefs
I'm not good enough
I'm not smart enough
I'm not pretty enough or thin enough
I'm not enough
I felt so much better after speaking to her
You know the way negativity can rub off on you?
It seems that positivity does too
As the saying goes 'You are the company you keep'
And in case you're wondering
I didn't crash my car
I didn't kill anyone
And the house didn't burn down while I was out
Go figure.........

Today I met another friend
She also has an ed but is doing very well
I haven't seen her in quite a while and as she talked I couldn't help but feel a little sad
She told me about the concert she had been to at the weekend
The new guy she was seeing
I was so delighted for her but I also felt upset for me
I guess comparing myself to her it emphasized hoe small and limited my life has become
And all I have to show for it is an emaciated body
I want what she has
I want to want to live
I want to be going to concerts and meeting new people
I want out of this shitty way of life

I had a very honest chat with my mother at the weekend
We spoke about my life and where I've ended up
It seems that the older I get, the harder things become
I remember when I was a teenager I was fearless
I didn't have the fear and anxiety that I have now
I'm sure I had a bit of anxiety back then but it didn't stop me living my life
Nowadays even the smallest task seems insurmountable
I have very little self confidence
If I have to make a decision, even something small like what type of bread to buy, I just can't do it without running it by someone
I have no confidence that the choice I make will be the right choice
I'm so afraid of getting it wrong
Here is an example.....

When I was looking for a car I had narrowed it down to two choices
One was an automatic
The other a manual
The decision about which car to choose drove me damn near bananas
I asked everyone and anyone what they thought and which would they choose
I knew that I preferred the automatic but I wanted to make the right decision
After some deliberation I went for the automatic
But I was still so afraid that I had made the wrong decision
I needed so much reassurance before I finally accepted that my own decision was the right decision

This week has given me a glimpse of what my life could be like without my ed
I saw that I have friends
Friends who like me for me
Not for what I look like or what I have
I'm still quite surprised when one of then wants to meet me
I think to myself 'Why do you want to see me? I'm not a good friend or a good person'
But they do want to see me
Because I do have something to offer
Because the like me
Why is that so hard to accept?
Maybe because I don't like myself very much, I struggle  to accept that others like me
I feel like I am a burden to my family and friends
That they would be better off without me
But as my mother said to me recently
There is only one of me
I am irreplacable
I'm an important part of my family
Yes, I am not well
But I am not a burden
I'm not dragging people down
I'm ill
I'm not a bad person

Today I just wanted to remind you of this
You are important
You are unique and special
No one can take your place
There has never been anyone like and there never will be
You are worth it
You are worth getting well
You don't have to punish yourself
You deserve to nourish your body and allow yourself to eat
Please don't forget that
I am saying this as much for myself as I am for you
God knows we have suffered enough
We deserve to be gentle and kind to ourselves
It's not selfish
It's not self centered
It's taking care of ourselves
Putting ourselves first
Because we matter
Because we want to live

The New Car!

I bought a new car this week
I say 'I' but I did have a little help financially
I also say 'new' as in it's new to me, not brand new
Anyway
I had my old car for about 5 years
It was 15, yes 15 years old
Just about verging on being a banger
I can't complain about my old car though
It served me well and rarely gave me any trouble
But really it was the dogs car
They had completely taken it over
They absolutely love going in the car
The minute they hear the rattle of the car keys they're on their feet and ready to go
Lea is a big dog so she takes up most of the back seat
And Miss Honey has her own little place up in the back window

Old car, looking well at the grand ol' age of 15

I'm so excited about having a new car
It's all bright and shiny and I am so proud to drive it

The only thing is the new car is automatic
I have never driven an automatic before so I had lots of fun trying to get the hang of it
I nearly put my mother through the windscreen quite a few times!

I didn't want to put my dogs in the new car
My old car was destroyed on the inside with dogs hairs and sand and drool
So determined to keep the new car spic and span, I decided to put them in the boot as it is an open boot
Here's how that went....

First I tried to coax Lea in
She got totally confused and kept going over to the old car
Then I decided to lift Honey in it
Once she was in she got very territorial and growled at Lea when she tried to get in
Scratch that idea

I thought the jump in to the car was too high for her so I put a chair out for Lea
But she just got even more confused.....

Then I decided to get in to the boot in the hope that she would follow me in
That went well......

Scratch that idea too

Eventually Lea finally realised what I wanted her to do
She jumped from the ground straight in to the boot and over the back seat
Lea 1
Ruby 0

In the end the dogs got their way and sat in the back seat

Ah well there's always tomorrow........

It's ok not to be ok

Following my post titled Anybody out there? I received a few emails from bloggers who have stopped blogging or deleted their blogs
Many had stopped blogging because they felt blogging was helping them
They felt it kept them completely locked in to their eating disorder
Although I was sad to see them go, part of me was happy that they had identified that blogging was not a force for good in their lives and wanted to  move on
I can relate to feeling this way
I am blogging almost 2 years now
In the beginning it was a really positive thing in my life
I had isolated myself so much from the real world and I was incredibly lonely and sad
Blogging opened up a whole new world to me
One where I could talk to others in the same position as me
Back then there was a real buzz about blogger
There was a thriving community and it was really exciting to be a part of it
This changed over time though
So many people have come and gone
Often without a word of why they were stopping blogging

I've written about this before
How I'm not sure if blogging helps or hinders me
There is no question in my mind that there are positives to writing
But there are also many negatives
I spend so much time thinking, talking and writing about my ed
I know that I want to recover I have to replace my ed with something more constrctive
But the thing is that I don't know if I can recover
I don't know if I'm strong enough
I don't know how I'll cope
I don't know if I want it enough

Having an ed is like having a bully take up residence in your head
She constantly puts me down
She tells me I am weak
I am a failure
I am fat
I'm worthless
That I have nothing to offer
That my family would be better off without me
There is an endless negative commentary running in my head 24 hours a day
It's exhausting
It's draining
It's utterly soul destroying

I do believe that people can and do recover
But I'm starting to wonder if it will ever happen for me
I look in the mirror and I see an old woman's face
Tired
Grey
Withered
It's frightening

And it's not just me that this cruel illness effects
Like ripples in a pool, it effects everyone around me to varying degrees
My mother has started attending a support group to help her deal with it
I forget sometimes how hard it is for my family
I can't imagine how heartbreaking it must be to witness someone you love slowly kill themselves
I know that I couldn't handle it

I feel quite beaten and broken at the moment
I just can't seem to get out of my own way
My hope is dwindling
My belief in myself is at an all time low
My faith is non existent
This may sound like I am giving up
And in a way I have
I'm just so tired of fighting this demon
Day in day out

Apologies such a depressing post but I have to be honest and tell it as it is

I thank God for my two wonderful dogs
They have saved my life over and over again

Obese: A year to save my life

Over the past couple of weeks I've been watching a documentary series called 'Obese: A year to save my life
Each episode follows a different super morbidly obese person as they try to lose weight and turn their lives around
I love to watch documentaries about eating disorders
But I also like to watch ones about people on the other end of the spectrum

In last nights episode we were introduced to Clare
She is 32 and from Liverpool
She is engaged to be married and has a 5 year old son called Nathan
Clare weighed in at 26 and a half stone
Standing at 5'7 that made her super morbidly obese

The show is presented by Jesse Pavelka
Jesse is a personal trainer who has a special interest to super obese people

Being so overweight was having a devastating effect on Clare's life
All the little things that we take for granted, she just couldn't do
She couldn't play with her young son
She struggled to be active
And every little thing, like taking a shower or tying her shoe laces was a huge effort
Clare was miserable
She couldn't stand to look at herself in the mirror and her weight was really getting her down
She confessed that on a bad day she could eat all day
Everything from a greasy fry in the morning
Endless take aways and chocolate bars
She just couldn't stop eating

Enter Jesse
He would be spending the next 10 months with Clare and gave her the goal of losing 10 stone in that time
He worked out a food plan for her
And suggested that she do 3-4 hours of exercise every day
All this on top of the hectic schedule she already had

Clare got off to a great start
And in the first 2 months she lost over 2 stone#
She had likened her love of food to that of an addict
She been sexually abused as a child and she explained that food became a great comfort to her
Jesse wanted her to find hew coping mechanism to deal with negative emotions

Clare worked so hard
She was fighting or her life
Although she did have a few setbacks, by month 10 she had met her target and managed to lose over 10 stone
She was like a different person
Inside and out
Her confidence and has soared
And all fat around her face had shrunk to reveal a very pretty girl
I hope she manages to keep up her good work

I'm interested in these types of shows as I feel like that could easily be me
I think that eating disorders and obesity are all on the same spectrum
When I am feeling down I can either go one of two ways
I can either turn to food or I can turn away from it
It scares me so much to think that that could be me one day
It terrifies me that I could lose control so much that pile on the pounds
I love my food
Yes, shock horror!
Girl with an eating disorder confesses to liking food
I love it so much that I can kind of understand how obese people find themsleves so out of control

A lot of my ED is about control
Although realistically I know that my ED is the one in control
If I am going through a bulimic phase I can eat a serious amount of food
O course it all ends up  in the toilet and I don't put on weight
But sometimes I wonder of I didn't purge would I pile on the piles too?
Probably
And that scares the be'Jesus out of  me!

I've always been an all or nothing type of person
There is no middle ground with me
I would love to be a bit more balanced
In all areas of my lie
But I find it very hard to find a happy medium

In my opinion you can become addicted to anything
Including food
Ok it may not have the threat of death or the chaos of alcoholism or drug addiction
But it is every bit as soul destroying
Every bit as damaging
Trust me, I know

Have you see this show?
What did you think?
Do you think that eating disorders and obesity are on the same spectrum?
I'd love to know...........

Blood is thicker than water?

As a rule I tend not to write about my family here on blogger
But after this week I feel I have to

As you know I live with my mother
It's just the two of us here
How ever during the week my mother works away
So she is gone from Monday/Tuesday until Thursday
A couple of years ago I was very ill so when my mother went away to work, my Dad came here to stay with me
My parents are separated so during the week they swap houses
It's sounds bizarre I know
So this week it was back to the usual routine and my Dad came down on Monday
Also my sister broke her leg the day I came home from hospital so we are all on call to help her

My Dad arrived down on Monday afternoon
When he came I was having tea with a couple of biscuits
When I was finished I went to the bathroom as we were heading out
I came out to the car and my Dad started having a go at me
'Why are you eating those biscuits when you are just going to purge them?'
He seemed incredibly angry
I immediately became defensive as I genuinely hadn't purged
We had a heated exchange in the garden
Then he grabbed my nose and twisted it so hard that I yelped
I was in shock
I felt like I had been hit
I just felt so hurt

The rest of the week was so hard
My Dad was constantly making smart and sarcastic comments about me and my illness
He kept saying that he was sick of looking at me and my sister
And putting me down all the time
He pretended that he was just joking
But really it was very hurtful
Everything I did was wrong
Everything I said he made fun of me
By the end of the week I was so drained and I couldn't wait for him to leave

My mother came home last night and I just broke down in tears
I had been holding it in all week
She was so upset
She made the point that this is my home and that kind of behaviour is totally unacceptable
My Dad obviously felt bad about his actions as he sent me a couple of texts saying he was sorry
He knows that he upset me
He just doesn't know how much

I get that he must be so frustrated with me
I get that he feels powerless and helpless
I get that I put them through the hassle of treatment yet again and nothing seems to have changed
But to lash out at me like that is just not ok
Grabbing my nose like that was completely out of order
My mother said that he has absolutely no right to lay a hand on me
And she is right

My Dad just seems so angry with me
I do understand that he has lived wit this for a long time and it must be so difficult to witness me slowly kill myself
But he needs to separate himself from the situation
He really has a lot of issues himself
Growing up he was an alcoholic but he would never admit to that
He stopped drinking a few years ago but his controlling behaviour hasn't changed at all
I just don't need this right now
I have enough on my plate just trying to get through the day without going insane
And treating me like this does not make me want to get well
It just sends me further in to my illness
It's pointless saying all this to him as he just doesn't listen
I'm thinking of asking Mary if I could have a session with my Dad
I hope it will help

Things are tough at the moment
I just don't know what to do with myself
I can't say that I am motivated to recover because that would be a lie
I am just trying to hold my ground and not get any worse
My weight is going down though
Along with my mood and my sanity
Sometimes I wish I was back in hospital
As hard as it was to be there, it was so lovely to be surrounded by people
I miss them

Overall my family is great
I have put them through hell over the last 10 years
I am blessed that they have stood my me all this time
But I think that I am in an unhealthy situation with my Dad
His life revolves around me and that's not good
I need space from him
I need him to step back and let me breathe
I love my family
I really do
But my Dad treating me like this is not helping at all
I need love and support and empathy
Not sarcasm and passive aggression and anger
There is enough hate in the world
My home is supposed to be a safe place
It's supposed to be the one place I can be me
I am starting to resent my father and I don't want to feel that way
I need his support
Not his judgement


What about you?
How are the people in your life about your eating disorder?
Are they understanding?
Are they angry?
Answers on a postcard please........

Anybody out there?

is it just me or is the blogosphere gone very quiet?
I know that I myself have been quiet and haven't been around much
But it just seems so very quiet
Having been away for almost 3 months I logged on this morning to read some of my favourite blogs and a lot have either been removed or have gone private
Then I scroll down my blogroll and see that a lot of bloggers haven't posted for some months now
Some even up to a year
Where has everyone gone?
Rayya?
The Lovely Bones?
And Thindarella who I had become very close to seemed to just drop off the face of the earth!

I wonder what has happened to these girls
Did they get well?
Did they finally tell their EDs to fuck right off and live happily ever after?
Did they become tired of reading about so many girls endless plight?
Did they find a life beyond their ED and just don't blog anymore?
Did they become very ill?
Are they in hospital?
Did they die?
I wish I knew

Maybe there are a whole a host of new blogs out there that I don't know about?
I don't know
Part of me hope there isn't
I don't want to find new blogs of girls just starting out on this heartbreaking journey
I don't want anyone else to have to go through this
This nightmare

As for me
Well, I'm ok
I'm hanging in there

I just want to know who is still out there?
Who still reads this blog?
Anybody out there?