I saw Mary yesterday
For the first time since last September
I was nervous to say the least
Walking up the hill to the centre loads of memories came flooding back
The pub I used to go in to to purge
The chemist I used to get my enemas
I was early so I sat in the reception area to wait
This place is like a general health centre so there are lots of comings and goings
I love to people watch so I took a seat at the back for optimal viewing

I saw a woman come in with her two little girls
I man taking selfies of himself and his baby
I heard a woman talking about growing apple trees in her back garden
I could have sat there all day

Mary called me in
We walked down the corridor
It's a long hall
I peeked in to some of the rooms
The were all set up for therapy
Two chairs facing each other
The weighing scales
And the obligatory box of tissues

I sat down with Mary
My anxiety was massive
I could feel myself holding tension in my neck and shoulders
And my face was twitching too

I explained my current situation
That I been in and out of hospital twice in the last 6 months
How I get so far and then I get scared and retreat back in to my eating disorder
We went through that pros and cons of living this way
She asked me what I want to receive from this treatment
I don't want much
I just want to break this viscous cycle that I am in
Establish regular eating without purging
All I want is a life
A place of my own
A circle of friends
A partner
And of course lots of animals
I want piece of mind
To be happy in my own skin
To not hate myself so much
To not have a passive deathwish

I came out of the session feeling motivated
Feeling strong and ready to fight

Mary said that for the moment we concentrate on not losing weight and tackling my behaviours
I know that weight will increase though if I continue this way

All through the session, I was distracted by the black and white scales in the corner
Eventually she asked me to stand on it
I figured that it wouldn't be a true reading as it was mid afternoon and I had a lot of clothes on
Although my weight stayed the exact same

Overall the past week has been better
Since I hit rock bottom two weeks ago, I have tried hard not to give in to my ed
I pushed myself to get out of the house
To meet friends
To take car of myself, my home and my dogs
And it feels good to take responsibility
To be independent
I'm an adult for God's sake
It's time I started acting like one

Clare Richards - Slave To Food

I watched a documentary this week called Clare Richards - Slave to food
Some of you will know Clare as the lead singer from the pop group Steps which was around from 1997 - 2001



Since the band split up Clare has become infamous for a very different reason
Her weight
While in Steps, Clare maintained a very slim size 8 figure
But after the break up of the band Clare gained 4 stone





Desperately unhappy in her own skin, Clare vowed to lose the weight and participated in a magazine shoot to show off her new size 12 figure




Since then, Clare has lost and gained the same 25kilos over and over again
And the media was there every step of the way to document her journey

I think Slave to food was made 2 or 3 years ago
It was a fly on the wall documentary showing first hand her battle with the bulge
Clare admitted that while in Steps, she survived on little more than one meal a day
She said that she bigger than the other two girls in the group and felt huge pressure to remain thin
Once the band split Clare turned to food to help her cope

I thought the documentary was quite good
Clare was very honest about her struggles
She was aware that her battle with her weight had overshadowed any of her singing work and she hated that
She confessed to having low self esteem and said she was an addict
Some people turn to drink and drugs
Clare turned to food

I could identify with Clare a lot
I think that we are on opposite sides of the same spectrum
She said that she feels out of control when it comes to food
I feel the exact same
If I didn't purge I would surely be the same size as her
I swing between anorexia and bulimia
There is no inbetween
No middle ground
I do believe that it is possible to be addicted to food
For me, food can be an escape
For those few moments that I am munching through a bowl of pasta, I am in heaven
All I'm thinking is how good this food tastes
It's a high
A temporary high
As I am still chewing the last mouthful, I am already on my way to the bathroom
It's just completely out of the question that I would keep this food down
The full feeling and the anxiety is just too much to bear
Purging itself is addictive
The relief
The instant gratification
The feeling of being empty
And so I do it again and again and again........

A question that struck me while watching this show is when does an unhealthy relationship with food become an eating disorder
Yes, Clare's relationship with food was definitely negative and unhealthy
But I think it's safe to say that she doesn't have an eating disorder
So what's the difference between her and me?
I think the same question can be posed to a drug user
When does drug taking turn in to drug addiction?
I can only speak for myself
With my own drug using, I knew it was turning in to addiction when it began to take over my life
When it effected every area of my life from work to health to relationships
And the negative consequences began to outweigh the positives
It's the same with my ed
My relationship with food started to turn in to an ed when my life began to revolve around it
When it took up every waking moment
Every thought in my head
It became the only thing of any importance in my life
Nothing else mattered

A lot of people have food issues
Heck, nearly every woman I know has a complicated relationship with food
But most people manage it
They maintain normality in their lives
They hold down jobs
Have healthy relationships
My ed is all consuming
I think about it all day
That's when it becomes dangerous

So many women struggle with food and weight and body image
Clare is no different
Towards the end of the documentary Clare was starting to gain control of her life
It's something that she will have to watch probably for the rest of her life
It's the same for someone living with an ed
It's an ongoing battle
But I imagine that it's worth it
What's the alternative?
Certain misery and not much more

When do you think a persons relationship with food turns in to an eating disorder?

Happy St. Patrick's Day!!

It's the 17th of March
St. Patrick's Day
I'm ashamed to admit that I had to ask my mother to remind what St. Patrick's Day is all about
Because you see in this country, to most people, this day means two things

1. Day off work

2. Almighty piss up!!

I'm sure that I did know somewhere in the back of my head what this day means but I needed a little reminder
Basically St. Patrick brought Christianity to Ireland
And banished all of the snakes
The snakes being a symbol of evil and the Devil

Anyway
History lesoen over

In my former life I was one of those people heading to the pub today
I was downing pints and knocking back shots and taking whatever was going
Not anymore

Today I got up early and went for a walk with my mum and dogs
I could tell you about about it
Instead here's some photos for your delectation
Enjoy......

Lea enjoying a dip!

Missing shoe!

Mum and me selfie-ing!

Slainte!

Happy St. Patrick's Day!
What are you doing today to celebrate?

For you

This week has been hard
On Monday when I stocked up on my meds, I took a handful of them in a bid to escape reality and get out of my own head
I remember nothing about that day other than my mother being really annoyed with me (and rightly so) and spilling endless cups of tea
I woke up on Tuesday morning with a foggy head
I checked my meds to see how much I had taken
There were 6 sleeping tablets and 6 anti anxiety meds missing
I also had mysterious burns on my legs
I hate that I worried my mother so much
I hate that I am doing this to myself and my family
It felt like I had hit a rock bottom
My self worth was at an all time low

I woke up on Wednesday morning determined to turn things around
I arranged to meet up with a girl that I was in treatment with
But even leaving the house was a massive deal
Dressing was difficult
And I was anxious about driving my new car
What if I crash?
What if I leave the cooker on and the house burns down while I am gone?
What if I can't cope?
What if? What if? What if?..........

Anyway I managed to leave my house and set off
It was lovely to see my friend
She is doing great
Now she struggles but she is not letting her ed win
We had a great chat
We talked about how our eds stem from negative core beliefs
I'm not good enough
I'm not smart enough
I'm not pretty enough or thin enough
I'm not enough
I felt so much better after speaking to her
You know the way negativity can rub off on you?
It seems that positivity does too
As the saying goes 'You are the company you keep'
And in case you're wondering
I didn't crash my car
I didn't kill anyone
And the house didn't burn down while I was out
Go figure.........

Today I met another friend
She also has an ed but is doing very well
I haven't seen her in quite a while and as she talked I couldn't help but feel a little sad
She told me about the concert she had been to at the weekend
The new guy she was seeing
I was so delighted for her but I also felt upset for me
I guess comparing myself to her it emphasized hoe small and limited my life has become
And all I have to show for it is an emaciated body
I want what she has
I want to want to live
I want to be going to concerts and meeting new people
I want out of this shitty way of life

I had a very honest chat with my mother at the weekend
We spoke about my life and where I've ended up
It seems that the older I get, the harder things become
I remember when I was a teenager I was fearless
I didn't have the fear and anxiety that I have now
I'm sure I had a bit of anxiety back then but it didn't stop me living my life
Nowadays even the smallest task seems insurmountable
I have very little self confidence
If I have to make a decision, even something small like what type of bread to buy, I just can't do it without running it by someone
I have no confidence that the choice I make will be the right choice
I'm so afraid of getting it wrong
Here is an example.....

When I was looking for a car I had narrowed it down to two choices
One was an automatic
The other a manual
The decision about which car to choose drove me damn near bananas
I asked everyone and anyone what they thought and which would they choose
I knew that I preferred the automatic but I wanted to make the right decision
After some deliberation I went for the automatic
But I was still so afraid that I had made the wrong decision
I needed so much reassurance before I finally accepted that my own decision was the right decision

This week has given me a glimpse of what my life could be like without my ed
I saw that I have friends
Friends who like me for me
Not for what I look like or what I have
I'm still quite surprised when one of then wants to meet me
I think to myself 'Why do you want to see me? I'm not a good friend or a good person'
But they do want to see me
Because I do have something to offer
Because the like me
Why is that so hard to accept?
Maybe because I don't like myself very much, I struggle  to accept that others like me
I feel like I am a burden to my family and friends
That they would be better off without me
But as my mother said to me recently
There is only one of me
I am irreplacable
I'm an important part of my family
Yes, I am not well
But I am not a burden
I'm not dragging people down
I'm ill
I'm not a bad person

Today I just wanted to remind you of this
You are important
You are unique and special
No one can take your place
There has never been anyone like and there never will be
You are worth it
You are worth getting well
You don't have to punish yourself
You deserve to nourish your body and allow yourself to eat
Please don't forget that
I am saying this as much for myself as I am for you
God knows we have suffered enough
We deserve to be gentle and kind to ourselves
It's not selfish
It's not self centered
It's taking care of ourselves
Putting ourselves first
Because we matter
Because we want to live

The New Car!

I bought a new car this week
I say 'I' but I did have a little help financially
I also say 'new' as in it's new to me, not brand new
Anyway
I had my old car for about 5 years
It was 15, yes 15 years old
Just about verging on being a banger
I can't complain about my old car though
It served me well and rarely gave me any trouble
But really it was the dogs car
They had completely taken it over
They absolutely love going in the car
The minute they hear the rattle of the car keys they're on their feet and ready to go
Lea is a big dog so she takes up most of the back seat
And Miss Honey has her own little place up in the back window

Old car, looking well at the grand ol' age of 15

I'm so excited about having a new car
It's all bright and shiny and I am so proud to drive it

The only thing is the new car is automatic
I have never driven an automatic before so I had lots of fun trying to get the hang of it
I nearly put my mother through the windscreen quite a few times!

I didn't want to put my dogs in the new car
My old car was destroyed on the inside with dogs hairs and sand and drool
So determined to keep the new car spic and span, I decided to put them in the boot as it is an open boot
Here's how that went....

First I tried to coax Lea in
She got totally confused and kept going over to the old car
Then I decided to lift Honey in it
Once she was in she got very territorial and growled at Lea when she tried to get in
Scratch that idea

I thought the jump in to the car was too high for her so I put a chair out for Lea
But she just got even more confused.....

Then I decided to get in to the boot in the hope that she would follow me in
That went well......

Scratch that idea too

Eventually Lea finally realised what I wanted her to do
She jumped from the ground straight in to the boot and over the back seat
Lea 1
Ruby 0

In the end the dogs got their way and sat in the back seat

Ah well there's always tomorrow........

It's ok not to be ok

Following my post titled Anybody out there? I received a few emails from bloggers who have stopped blogging or deleted their blogs
Many had stopped blogging because they felt blogging was helping them
They felt it kept them completely locked in to their eating disorder
Although I was sad to see them go, part of me was happy that they had identified that blogging was not a force for good in their lives and wanted to  move on
I can relate to feeling this way
I am blogging almost 2 years now
In the beginning it was a really positive thing in my life
I had isolated myself so much from the real world and I was incredibly lonely and sad
Blogging opened up a whole new world to me
One where I could talk to others in the same position as me
Back then there was a real buzz about blogger
There was a thriving community and it was really exciting to be a part of it
This changed over time though
So many people have come and gone
Often without a word of why they were stopping blogging

I've written about this before
How I'm not sure if blogging helps or hinders me
There is no question in my mind that there are positives to writing
But there are also many negatives
I spend so much time thinking, talking and writing about my ed
I know that I want to recover I have to replace my ed with something more constrctive
But the thing is that I don't know if I can recover
I don't know if I'm strong enough
I don't know how I'll cope
I don't know if I want it enough

Having an ed is like having a bully take up residence in your head
She constantly puts me down
She tells me I am weak
I am a failure
I am fat
I'm worthless
That I have nothing to offer
That my family would be better off without me
There is an endless negative commentary running in my head 24 hours a day
It's exhausting
It's draining
It's utterly soul destroying

I do believe that people can and do recover
But I'm starting to wonder if it will ever happen for me
I look in the mirror and I see an old woman's face
Tired
Grey
Withered
It's frightening

And it's not just me that this cruel illness effects
Like ripples in a pool, it effects everyone around me to varying degrees
My mother has started attending a support group to help her deal with it
I forget sometimes how hard it is for my family
I can't imagine how heartbreaking it must be to witness someone you love slowly kill themselves
I know that I couldn't handle it

I feel quite beaten and broken at the moment
I just can't seem to get out of my own way
My hope is dwindling
My belief in myself is at an all time low
My faith is non existent
This may sound like I am giving up
And in a way I have
I'm just so tired of fighting this demon
Day in day out

Apologies such a depressing post but I have to be honest and tell it as it is

I thank God for my two wonderful dogs
They have saved my life over and over again

Obese: A year to save my life

Over the past couple of weeks I've been watching a documentary series called 'Obese: A year to save my life
Each episode follows a different super morbidly obese person as they try to lose weight and turn their lives around
I love to watch documentaries about eating disorders
But I also like to watch ones about people on the other end of the spectrum

In last nights episode we were introduced to Clare
She is 32 and from Liverpool
She is engaged to be married and has a 5 year old son called Nathan
Clare weighed in at 26 and a half stone
Standing at 5'7 that made her super morbidly obese

The show is presented by Jesse Pavelka
Jesse is a personal trainer who has a special interest to super obese people

Being so overweight was having a devastating effect on Clare's life
All the little things that we take for granted, she just couldn't do
She couldn't play with her young son
She struggled to be active
And every little thing, like taking a shower or tying her shoe laces was a huge effort
Clare was miserable
She couldn't stand to look at herself in the mirror and her weight was really getting her down
She confessed that on a bad day she could eat all day
Everything from a greasy fry in the morning
Endless take aways and chocolate bars
She just couldn't stop eating

Enter Jesse
He would be spending the next 10 months with Clare and gave her the goal of losing 10 stone in that time
He worked out a food plan for her
And suggested that she do 3-4 hours of exercise every day
All this on top of the hectic schedule she already had

Clare got off to a great start
And in the first 2 months she lost over 2 stone#
She had likened her love of food to that of an addict
She been sexually abused as a child and she explained that food became a great comfort to her
Jesse wanted her to find hew coping mechanism to deal with negative emotions

Clare worked so hard
She was fighting or her life
Although she did have a few setbacks, by month 10 she had met her target and managed to lose over 10 stone
She was like a different person
Inside and out
Her confidence and has soared
And all fat around her face had shrunk to reveal a very pretty girl
I hope she manages to keep up her good work

I'm interested in these types of shows as I feel like that could easily be me
I think that eating disorders and obesity are all on the same spectrum
When I am feeling down I can either go one of two ways
I can either turn to food or I can turn away from it
It scares me so much to think that that could be me one day
It terrifies me that I could lose control so much that pile on the pounds
I love my food
Yes, shock horror!
Girl with an eating disorder confesses to liking food
I love it so much that I can kind of understand how obese people find themsleves so out of control

A lot of my ED is about control
Although realistically I know that my ED is the one in control
If I am going through a bulimic phase I can eat a serious amount of food
O course it all ends up  in the toilet and I don't put on weight
But sometimes I wonder of I didn't purge would I pile on the piles too?
Probably
And that scares the be'Jesus out of  me!

I've always been an all or nothing type of person
There is no middle ground with me
I would love to be a bit more balanced
In all areas of my lie
But I find it very hard to find a happy medium

In my opinion you can become addicted to anything
Including food
Ok it may not have the threat of death or the chaos of alcoholism or drug addiction
But it is every bit as soul destroying
Every bit as damaging
Trust me, I know

Have you see this show?
What did you think?
Do you think that eating disorders and obesity are on the same spectrum?
I'd love to know...........