Darkness to Light, 2014

Myself, my Mum and Lea and Honey did the Darkness to Light walk this morning in aid of Pieta House
Pieta House is based in Dublin and does great work to help people who suffer from depression and self harm as well as families who have lost someone to suicide
The walk began at 4 15am
It was a 5km walk/run (needless to say that we walked)
The idea was that the walk started in the dark and then finished just as dawn was breaking
I heard about it a few weeks ago and was determined to do it so I roped in my my Mum
And of course Lea and Honey

My alarm went off at 2 20am
My first thought was 'Why the hell is my alarm going off so early?'
Then I remembered why I had to get up
Lea and Honey were totally confused when I got them up from their cozy beds
We all piled in to the car and set off
I was driving and it seemed to take forever to get there as the weather was terrible
Eventually we arrived and there seemed to be so many people
A lot more than I had anticipated
We were directed in to the car park and I parked as best as I could
We registered
Got our Darkness to Light t-shirts (in a very fetching canary yellow)
And soon it was time to set off

There were so many people
There must have been a few hundred there
Some were running
Most were walking
We hung out at the back where all the dog owners seemed to gather
Luckily the rain held off and in fact it wasn't cold at all

The walk took us all around the town in a loop
At first Lea and Honey were a bit wary around all the people but they soon settled down and seemed to really enjoy the walk
Dawn was breaking just as we finished the walk and it really was very symbolic
Hot cups  of tea were waiting for us when we returned
All in all it was a great experience

I took some photos
Some are quite blurry so apologies for that
Hope you enjoy.........

Proof we were up!

Cuppa to start the day/night

Some were more prepared than others!

When ya gotta go, ya gotta go!

They only had large t-shirts left so I wore mine over my clothes

Honey was ready or her bed by this stage

What's going on?

Cup of tea and a smoke at the finish line

Lea still doesn't know what just happened

I need my beauty sleep!

Recovery

I saw Mary this morning
It was quite a difficult session
First she weighed me
My weight was slightly up
I immediately wanted to run out of the room
I didn't want to talk about it
Didn't want to hear about it
But I didn't
I stayed put

We talked about where I am at
The purging is still a huge problem
It's up to 10 times a day these days
I told her how I feel like I am in a tug of war between recovery and my ED
She asked me about recovery and what recovery means to me
It's a very good question as I guess that it's different for everyone
So what does recovery mean to me?
Well in relation to food it means eating 3 meals every day plus snacks
It means not purging
It means regaining weight to a healthy but low BMI
It means being comfortable in my own skin
It means not feeling like I want to die all the time
That I want to numb myself or escape my own head
Recovery means having a structure to my day
Having a purpose
A reason to get up in the morning

It means my every waking moment is not consumed with thoughts of food and weight
It means not weighing myself at every opportunity
It means taking my meds properly
Engaging in therapy
It means eating my meals at the table and with someone else
It means going to my support groups
Having a social life
It means my family not having to worry so much about me
It means not fantasising about my own death
It means going out to dinner with friends
Going to the cinema and ordering pop corn and ice cream
It means going to the beach and being able to wear a bikini
It means being able to be spontaneous
It means being able to laugh
Being able to cry
It means being able to look at myself in the mirror without disgust
It means not being perfect
It means seeing the beauty in life
It means knowing that beautiful comes in more than one size
It means not being afraid to succeed
Not being afraid of failure
Recovery means that I accept my past
That I don't let worried about the future paralyse me
That I can enjoy the present
It means treating food like a fuel
And know that it is not the enemy

Recovery means that my state of mind is improved
That I am not in a constant state of anxiety and fear
It means that I am more present
That I can be a support to others
That I can be there for others
It means that I can do the things I want to do
It means that I can make my own choices and decisions
It means being independent
Responsible
Managing my money
Paying my bills
Being accountable

Recovery means growing up
It means being able to look after myself and not depending so much on other
It means not being so hard on myself
It means being kind to myself and knowing that I deserve to be happy
It means doing the right thing
Having integrity
Being a good person

Recovery means meeting someone
Maybe even getting married and having children
It means not being a slave to the scale
Not defining myself by my clothes size
It means being free around food
Not denying myself
It means having a good relationship with myself and food
Liking myself
Loving myself
Knowing that I am enough just the way I am

Recovery means being able to make decisions and knowing that they are the right ones for me
It means breaking the silence of this illness
It means living and not existing
It means waking up in the morning and looking forward to the day rather than dreading it
It means not hating my body
And recognising how truly incredible it is
It means being comfortable in my own skin
Not feeling that I have to be a certain weight
It means not having a meltdown if my weight changes

Recovery means helping others
Telling my story in the hope that it might be glimmer of hope for someone else
It means not surrendering to this cruel illness
It means fighting even when I feel like I am losing
It means not becoming a statistic
It means not letting Ana claim another innocent life
It means hoping
Having courage even when I am terrified
It means doing the opposite to what my ED wants me to do
It means getting up every morning and facing the day
Putting one foot in front of the other and keeping going
It means fighting even when I feel like I'm falling apart

Recovery means life beyond my ED
It means overcoming adversity
Not backing down
Not purging
Not taking that drug or drink
Not giving in to that little voice in the back of my head says I am worthless
It means knowing that I am good person
That I have a lot to offer
As a friend
As a sister
As a daughter
As an auntie

Recovery for me means wanting to live
Striving for a better life
And helping others

What does recovery mean to you?

Stolen

My local shop is just down the road
I'm probably in there every single day
I used to shop lift food from that shop
When I think back on it, it was such a stupid thing to do
But I was unwell
I am unwell
This behaviour is one of lesser known things about eating disorders
For a long time I had no clue that my stealing was part of the disorder
I didn't know why I was doing it
I just felt a huge compulsion to do it
And it wasn't just food
It was anything
It was make up from the pharmacy
Clothes from a shop
Jewellery
Gifts
Treats for my dogs
Anything

I kept this shameful secret to myself for the longest time
I put it down to me being a bad person
Everytime I did it I would swear it was the last time
But it never was
I couldn't stop

I used to go in to my local supermarket and fill a shopping bag with binge food and walk out the door
I used to slip make up in to my pocket
Jewellery up my sleeve
I still have 2 boxes of unused make up in my bedroom
I didn't need it
I don't used it
It wasn't about necessity
It wasn't about not being able to afford it
To this day I am not quite sure what it was about
Maybe it was seeing something and wanting it right there and then
Maybe it was about the high of walking out of a shop without paying
Maybe it was about courting danger
Maybe I wanted to get caught
I don't know

Then one day I was reading the paper and I saw that a girl from my home town who had won a national beauty pageant was arrested for shoplifting in a clothes shop
Pyjamas if I remember correctly
It was reported that she had an eating disorder
I remember thinking that was strange
She had no reason to shoplift
I wondered if it was something to do with her condition

Then I was reading a blog on Wordpress one day and a girl called Fiona was describing how she used to shoplift food and had been arrested for it
I emailed her straight away
I wanted to know more
She explained to me how her stealing was all part of her illness
It all made sense to me
I was almost thankful to find out this information
I was glad that I wasn't doing this because I was a thief and a bad person
I was ill

The next time I went in to treatment I asked about the link between eating disorders and shop lifting
I remember being told that yes, there was a definite link
I was so relieved
Even though I was doing this horrible thing
Al least now I knew there was a reason for it
It is more strongly linked to bulimia rather than anorexia
Maybe because bulimia is so impulsive

Over the years I have met others who have used this behaviour
And I'm sure a lot more do but are too ashamed to admit it
I don't steal anymore
I have too much to lose
I did it once since coming out of treatment
I felt such huge guilt that I haven't done it since
I was lucky
I was never caught
But I remember talking to Mary about this
She said that the shops may have known I was doing this and didn't pursue it because I was ill
I hope to God that they don't know
I live in a small town
Word spreads like wild fire
But maybe they did know
I'll never know if they did or not

I'm writing about this today because I'm sure some of you out there have experienced this
I'm sure some of you have been there
I wanted to address this subject to let you know that if you are doing this, it's not because you are bad
It's not because you are thief
It's because it is part of the illness
It's a behaviour
It's a symptom of a bigger problem
Our eating disorders would have us believe that we are bad people
That we are selfish and greedy
That we only think of ourselves
We are not bad people
Far from it
The people that I have met with eating disorders are some of the most caring, loving and kind people that I ever met

I firmly believe that our eating disorders thrive on secrecy and lies
They get stronger of we don't speak out and talk about these things
If I hadn't started talking about the fact that I was stealing, I would probably still be doing it
And why don't we speak out?
Because we are ashamed
Because we are embarrassed
Because we are afraid of others reaction
Of people laughing at us
Rejecting us
Not understanding us

I also firmly believe that people use behaviours for a reason
And people are the way they are for a reason
If someone is binging and purging 10 times a day, it's not because they are a happy, well adjusted person
They started using that particular behaviour for a reason
It serves a purpose
If someone is a bully they probably have someone who is bullying them
Everyone is the way they are for a reason

Anyway
I'm going slightly off topic here
I just think that breaking the silence on these topics is half the battle
At least then we can address the situation
We can do something about it
So if you are shoplifting
If you are hiding something that is eating you up inside
Tell someone
Tell one person that you trust
I promise you  it helps
It really does
I am living proof of that
I am not proud of the fact that I used to shoplift
I don't particularly like admitting to it
But if talking about it means that I am less likely to do it again
Then I will do that
And I hope you will too

NA

Just a quick post to let you know that I did it!
I went to the meeting
I can't quite believe it
It's been 2 years since I was last at a meeting
And I finally got my bony bum there

Today was hard
I argued with myself all day
Picked up my phone numerous times to cancel
But I couldn't think of a reason so I didn't
I wasn't sure how much medication to take today as I didn't want to be drowsy
But I also didn't want to be anxious so I finally decided to take the recommended daily dose
I wasn't as anxious as I thought I would be
I wasn't as scared as I thought I would be
It would have been so easy to let my eating disorder and addiction win
It would have been so easy to stay at home in my safe little bubble
It's would have been easy to go in to hiding
But I didn't
I went
And now I feel so good

My friend and her boyfriend picked me up about 8pm
We chatted the whole way there and anything and everything
My friends boyfriend reminded me that the last time I saw him was about a year ago
I remember I met him at a garage
I told him I would see him at the next meeting
It's hard to believe that a whole year passed by before I got to that meeting

We arrived at the venue and there was both an NA meeting and an AA  meeting on
I decided to go to the NA
It was a small meeting
Just 7 of us
I spoke only briefly
It was so good to listen to the others
They talked so much sense
And so positive
So real
Exactly what I needed

I met a girl there that I haven't seen in years
The last time I saw her she was in a bad way
She had an eating disorder and addiction issues
To listen to her tonight was amazing
She has come so far
And she helps others with eating disorders
We spoke after the meeting
She asked me how my eating was going
I told her the truth
How I was stuck in the binge purge cycle
How I nearly didn't go tonight as I thought I was so fat
She told me that I was the thinnest person she had seen in a long time
Boy did my eating disorder love to hear that

I'm back home and I feel tired but so glad that I went
I am so grateful to my friend and her boyfriend
To have people like that in my life
I feel positive
I feel hopeful
I feel alive

Heroin

I was pretty devastated to hear that Peaches Geldof died of a heroin overdose
I was hoping and praying that it wouldn't be that
But I think I knew it would be
What else could it have been?
I can't imagine what her family are going through right now
The Geldof family has had more of their fair share of tragedy
Life is so unfair sometimes

Every time I hear of a young person dying of drugs
Whether it's someone I know personally or someone in the media
It breaks my heart
It really effects me
And gets me thinking about my own life
Even though I haven't used heroin or any other drugs in a couple of years, it still plays on my mind
I regularly have drug dreams
I get triggered a lot just like we get triggered with our eating disorders
Whereas some of us mat get triggered when we see a photo of a very underweight person
I get drug triggers
Certain dance music reminds me of using E
When I listen to it I my heart starts racing and I almost feel like I am on drugs
I think that's called euphoric recall

With heroin many things remind me of it
Getting blood taken is a massive trigger
Seeing the blood flow in to the vial brings back so many memories
I can't watch any shows or films about heroin use
Even tinfoil can trigger me as I used to smoke it also

For 6 years I was up to my neck in heroin addiction
I turned in to a person that I hardly recognised
I started when I was 18 ans shortly after that my parents separated
It was very sudden but it had been coming for a long time
My mother and I packed a bag and moved in a hotel
I remember I was starting a new job that week and had to commute the 2 hours every morning
After a week we moved in to a rented house
My drug use began to spiral out of control
Of course my family found out
I'll never forget the day my father found out
He looked at me and the colour drained out of his face
I could literally see his heart breaking

Me and my then boyfriend were partners in crime
I think that's why you see so many drug addicted couples
Because you can handle anything if you have someone by your side

Heroin changed me
Physically it ruined my body
I lost an awful lot of weight
I remember my hipbones were so sharp and my tummy was concave
I was constantly grey in colour
My cheeks were sunken and my eyes were black
I was unrecognisable

One thing that I clearly remember about those days was the waiting
Waiting for lifts
Waiting for dealers who were in no hurry to come and meet me
Waiting for money
Waiting, waiting, waiting.......
And of course the sickness
The one thing that kept me using again and again was the fear of being sick
Your body becomes dependant on the drug
And it once it leaves your system withdrawals quickly set in
Imagine the worst flu you've ever had and multiply it by 100
It feels like your body is trying to turn inside out
And it's not only physical pain
It's mental torture too
It's a double whammy
I can remember being awake many nights, so so sick that I just wanted to die
It was horrific

I saw so many traumatic things over the years
Children is houses  with drug addicted parents
Children malnourished and uncared for
People overdosing
People almost killing each other over a gram
In a lot of ways I am blessed to have made it out alive

I was lucky
I got out
I moved across the country to a place where nobody knew me and I started a fresh
I left my old town
Away from old friends
I never go back there
And probably never will
But it's hard to escape it completely
Sometimes I get such intense cravings
If there was drugs right there and then I don't think I would be able to say no
I don't know if I'm strong enough

Heroin rips families apart
When you are addicted any love or respect you have for your family goes out the window
I lies to them
Manipulated them endlessly
Stole from them
Brought dangerous people in to their lives
The emotional toll on my family was huge
We can talk about it now as time passes by
My mother tells me stories about things I had forgotten about
It was a crazy time

Hearing about Peaches yesterday makes me feel so sad for her and her family
And it feels so close
It could have easily been me
It could have easily been my family
Sometimes I wish it had been me
But it wasn't
I am here
Even though I have many issues and am not in recovery
I still feel that my story could help others
I want it to help others
If one good thing comes out of all the things I have been through
Then it has been worth it

A for Anxiety

I spent some time with a good friend of mine yesterday
After cancelling on her numerous times over the past few weeks, I finally managed to call in to her
I'm not quite sure why these things are such a big deal for me
I know it has a lot to do with anxiety
And throw in zero confidence and every little thing is a struggle
And the thing is, I know if I push myself to do these things, I will really enjoy them
It's just the anxiety before hand that gets me everytime

I guess I feel that I am really out of practise socially
I spend a lot of time on my own and any type of social event scares the be-Jesus out of me
What is the anxiety about?
Well....
I'm afraid I won't know what to say
I'm afraid people won't like or accept me
I'm afraid I'll do or say something stupid
I'm afraid that once people get to know me and they see how crazy I am, they will run in the opposite direction
I could go on and on

Anyway
I called in to my friend early
It was so good to see her
To sit down with a cuppa and a smoke and have a really good chat
I always forget how much I enjoy this
My friend also has an eating disorder and an addiction past so she completely gets me
Listening to her talk I can see how far she has come on her own journey
She has gained so much wisdom and insight
It's such a joy to listen to her speak
Don't get me wrong here, everything in her life is not perfect
Not at all
She still struggles with food and other issues
But she is in recovery
It shines out of her

Like I used to, she attends meetings, AA and NA
She works the 12 Step programme
And it really is working for her
She is doing a course
She is now seeing a lovely guy
She is living her life on her terms

I used to go to meetings
I was at my best then recovery wise
But I haven't been to a meeting in about 2 years
I really want to go back
I know how much it would help me
If I could just get my eating disordered ass out the front door then I might have a fighting chance
When I got home my friend and her boyfriend texted me
They said that they would come and pick me up Friday night and bring me to a meeting
I accepted the invitation
But now I am terrified
My anxiety is having a field day
My ed is telling me I am too fat to go anywhere
My addiction and my ed have joined forces trying to stop me from going
Because they know that if I go I will be that much stronger and they will be weaker
I know the next couple of days will be tough as my brain pings around like a pinball
Will I go?
Will I not go?
Will I go?
Yes
On second thoughts, no I won't
Will I go?
I should go
I want to go
Then I will go
Or maybe not
What if they don't like me?
What if I talk absolute shite
What if.........

I've thought a lot about people not liking other people
When I was treatment there was a lady who I will call M
She was 55 years old and on the eating disorder programme with me
She was the type of person who said exactly what she thought
She said many things to me over the time I was there
She once told me that I looked really old
Her and I had many run ins and arguments and disagreements over the weeks
But you know what?
Despite all these differences I still really liked her and was quite fond of her
Even though she could be moody
Even though when I was leaving she told me that she would keep in touch with 'short texts only'
Even though she was mean sometimes
I still considered her a friend and  had a lot of time for her

All this taught me that it really does take a lot for someone to dislike someone
I know it takes a lot for me to really not like someone
Sure you might not get on with someone too well
Or you may not agree with everything they say
But to really not like or even hate someone is rare enough

And if it happens
If someone decides that they don't like me
That's ok
It's not the end of the world
I'm not going to crumble because a certain person doesn't care for me
It's my insecurity
I want to be liked
I want to fit in and belong
I want to know that I am a good person

So I wanted to ask you how you deal with anxiety
How do you manage to live your life without giving in to it?

2 Years Old!

Today is the 30th of April
My blog is exactly 2 years old today
And what a rollercoaster those two years have been
I checked back on my first few posts to see where my head was at back then
I wrote about doing fasts
Wanting to lose weight
Some could say that it was verging on pro ana

I had been reading blogs for a while before I started my own
I was lonely
I craved to be around others like me
And I found a whole community of people who thought and felt just like me
At first I really wanted to fit in
I wanted to belong
So I wrote about wanting to lose weight and weight loss methods
But the one thing that I have never felt comfortable doing is encouraging others to lose weight or congratulating someone on losing weight
It just didn't sit right with me

My writing has gradually changed over time
Until I found a style that I was comfortable with
It's pretty matter of fact and honest
No sugar coating things
I want to tell the truth about what it's really like to live with an eating disorder
It's not pretty
It's not romantic
It's not even about food anymore
It's bigger than that
Living with an eating disorder and addiction is soul destroying
It wears you down
Drains you of any positivity or energy that you once had
And it  doesn't just effect me
Like ripples in a pond it effects everyone around me
Not only did I get sick
But my whole family got sick too
That's the sad reality

Living with an eating disorder is like dancing with the Devil
It lures you in with false promises of happiness, popularity and success
It whispers in your ear
That you are fat
Worthless
A failure
It convinces you that if you listen to it then everything will be ok
If you lose weight all your problems will be solved
It's as simple as that

Of course now I know that this is all lies
My eating disorder wants me dead
I have no doubt about that
But even with all this knowledge and awareness
Even knowing what I need to do to help myself
I keep going back to my ed again and again
Why?
Because it's all I know
Because it's familiar
Because I know no other way
Because I think that this time will be different
This time I won't let it spin out of control

They say that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result
I have been doing the same thing for over a decade now and my ed still tricks me in to thinking that this time will be different
She is so sneaky
So cunning
So manipulative and seductive
And I get sucked in every time

So two years on has anything changed?
Well, I'm a little older
A little wiser (debatable)
My anxiety has definitely got worse
I've lost about 25 pounds
If anything I would say that I am no nearer to recovery
Essentially I am stuck
Stuck in the binge purge cycle
Stuck in my house
Stuck in life

Those 2 years have absolutely flown by
It's scary how fast time goes by
It's scary how nothing changes if nothing changes
I don't let myself think about the future
It's too overwhelming to think about
All I can do is try to do my best today
Keep fighting
Keep writing
Keep hoping

Of course the best thing about writing this blog is the amazing friends that I have made
I won't name you all
You know who you are
And after my last post I've met a whole host of new friends
You all have been so supportive over the last 2 years
Thanks you for that
Thank you for being there
For reading and commenting
And for never giving up on me even when I did
Happy Birthday to my blog!