Today

Day: Monday

Time: 11.14

Wearing: Hoody, leggings, Vans

Mood: Unidentifiable

Listening to: Rudimental



Driving: Toyota Yaris

Eating: Tea and toast

Drinking: Hot sweet tea

Watching: Breaking Bad





Reading: Your voice in my head by Emma Forrest

Weight: No comment

Going: To the doctor and chemist

Giving: Urine drug test

Taking: Many many meds

Blood Pressure: 

Feeling: Manic from lack of sleep

Smoking: Benson and Hedges

Hoping: To get well

Finances: Broke

Nail varnish:  Purple

Quote:

Wishing: There was no such thing as eating disorders

What are you eating, wearing, doing.................today?

H.O.P.E

I went to an NA meeting last night with two of my good friends
After cancelling last week I was determined to get my bony bum there this week
Anxiety nearly got the better of me again yesterday and I was close to cancelling but I managed to get my eating disordered addict ass out the door
The meeting was about half an hour away so we had a good chat on the way up
It turns out that both my friends are on Prozac too
We talked a lot about how we have to be so careful with meds
That it's so easy for us to misuse it and abuse
I was honest about my own battle to take my meds properly
This week has been better in that respect

There was an NA and AA meeting on
My friends are in a relationship so they go to separate meetings
I decided to go to NA
The person opening the meeting read a passage out of the big book
Coincidentally it was about medication
I spoke a bit about my own history with abusing medication
Others spoke about theirs
It was great because it was really relevant for me

I got home at about eleven and I felt really good
I had a lot to think about
Being in recovery is all about learning and growing
I see my friends get stronger
More confident
More spiritual
My good friend who has an ED has come on leaps and bounds recently recovery wise
It's amazing to witness
To see her blossom in to an amazing person
I want that
I want to be where she is
To have that peace of mind

Now that my mood has greatly improved, I can see how low I was
I can see what a dark place I was in
I wanted to die
I wanted to check off this God for saken planet
I wanted to starve
Or binge and purge until my heart gave out
I didn't want to live
I didn't want a future
I couldn't see beyond my ED
But now for the first time in a long time, I see a glimmer of hope
I see the life I could lead
I know where my friend has come from
And to see where she is now fills me with hope
That there is hope for me
That it's not too late
There is a chance for me to have a life
Maybe even a happy life

Do you know what a revelation this is?
Do you know how much that means to me?
More than I can describe
I've lived with the label of 'addict' and 'anorectic' for almost 13 years
Carrying around the weight of that has all but beaten me down
What chance did I have?
I truly believed that if one didn't kill me then the other would
I've been told that I have 'many chronic conditions'
It's hard to stay positive with such negative words hanging over your head
It's hard to keep faith
To believe that I will be ok
But now I believe that I might be
I might be ok

Another thing I took from the meeting last night is that if I continue to abuse my meds I am going to stay exactly where I am
I'm not going to grow or blossom
I'm going to stew in my own misery
I used to over take my meds because I was in a lot of emotional pain
But that pain is lessened
Now I take them because I can
Because they are there
Because I am bored
Because I have nothing else to do
I take them to pass the time
Now I understand that if I don't change this behaviour then nothing will change
I will stay exactly where I am
Now the question is do I want to stay there?
Do I want to medicate myself so heavily that I spend the day nodding off
Falling asleep with cigarettes in my hand
Spilling drinks
Burning holes in the carpet
As well as a hole in my soul

Recovery is there for me
It's there for you
All we have to do is reach out and grab it
It's probably the hardest thing that we will ever do
It won't be easy
It's frustrating
It's boring
It's monotonous
It's overwhelming
Anxiety provoking
Uncomfortable
Complicated
But it's also amazing
Awe inspiring
Comforting
Bewildering
Beautiful
It's the biggest gift we could give ourselves
All we have to so is want it

I think I want it
I think I want recovery
As well as life threatening and dangerous and soul destroying
My ED  and medication abuse has become boring
I've been there
Done that
Bought the extra small t-shirt
I want something elsen
I want something more
I want to live and have experiences and relationships and moments I will never forget
I don't want to be alone any more
I don't want to suffer anymore
I've had enough suffering for 10 life times
I want to do something different
I want to realise my potential
It's time for a new chapter..........



Hold
On
Pain
Ends

Dog days

When I first moved to this area 10 years ago I was so excited to move to the country because it meant that I could finally get a dog
My mother wasn't too keen on the idea so I had to talk her in to it
It must have worked because she eventually caved and agreed to get a dog
My sister and nephew and I went to visit the local shelter to have a look
Straight away a beautiful golden coloured dog caught my eye
He really was stunning
Very rangy with long limbs and such a kind face
His name was Marcus and it was love at first sight

Two weeks later and we brought Marcus home to join our little family
I wasn't too keen on the name Marcus so I re-christened him Leo
He was such a lovely dog
Such a placid nature and rarely barked
He settled in to our home and it wasn't long before I decided to get get him some company

We went back to the shelter where I was introduced to Honey
I have to admit at first I wasn't thrilled
I didn't want a little dog
But as I spent more time with Honey her personality won me over
She had originally been with a single parent and she just couldn't manage to have a dog
Very soon Honey was on her way home with me

Honey made herself at home straight away
Within an hour of being there she claimed a chair for herself
Leo was so kind to her
Endlessly patient
Honey followed him around and in the evening they would cuddle up together on the back step

Life was good

I had two wonderful dogs and I felt happy for the first time in years

Then one cold January evening a neighbour called over

He said that Leo had been knocked down and was lying in his front garden

I ran out the door to get to Leo as fast as I could

He was lying so still

He was still breathing but just about

There wasn't a mark on him

I scooped him up and carried him home

All the while telling him that he was going to be ok

My mother and I jumped in to her car and set off for the vet

It seemed to take forever to get there

Now there was blood coming out of his mouth

Eventually we arrived

The vet tried her best to save him but it was too late

He died on her table

I was beside myself

I felt like it was my fault

I should have protected him

I should have been watching him

It was all my fault

Honey was heartbroken

Her big brother was gone

She was so lost

As was I

A ew months past and we felt the time was right to get another dog

Enter Lea, named after Leo

Lea was an incredibly nervous dog when we first got her
The day we brought her home she spent hours hiding in the bushes
It was like she didn't trust us
It took a lot of time and patience but soon she started to become more and more confident
She grew to be a beautiful dog
She grew in to her big paws and really was a gorgeous looking dog
Her nature was quiet and passive
She put up with Honey and her bossy ways
Never got angry
To this day the highlight of her day is going for a walk
I swear you would think we never let her out she gets so excited at the prospect of a walk
The beach is her favourite place
She loves to roll in the sand and swim in the sea

Lea and Honey couldn't be more different
Where Lea is quiet, Honey is loud
Where Lea is gentle, Honey is like a bull in a china shop
Any opportunity Honey gets, she is down in my room rolling on my bed
Lea would never dream of doing this
Lea will obey any command
Honey pretends that she can't hear you and will do her own thing anyway
Honey likes to think that she is the boss
She likes to think that she is tough
But underneath all the bravado she is a big softie

Lea demands a lot of attention
She wants to be rubbed constantly
And if you stop she will paw you until you start again

Honey's favourite place is her bed
It's in an ideal spot
She can see all of the kitchen and also out the back door

Lea's favourite place is the mat in the kitchen

Honestly I would be truly lost without my dogs
They have saved my sanity over and over again
When I can't find a reason to get up in the morning, I get up for them
When I don't want to leave the house, I leave to walk them
They have been by my side for the last 10 years and I wouldn't have it any other way
I really wish I was as great as my dogs think I am

A weighty issue

Ok
I've been avoiding writing this particular post for a while now
But I feel I have to write about it
I have to be honest
So here goes

I came out of treatment in February
My BMI  was 16
In the weeks following my BMI dropped to 15
I was happy enough at this weight
I still felt big but I knew the scale wasn't lying to me
Logically I knew I was quite underweight
But along with my weight my mood began to drop rapidly
Along with the weight, I felt like I was losing my mind
This culminated with a 'half hearted overdose'
Mary stepped in
And also my pychiatrist
I was started on Prozac 20mg
Which was then increased to 40mg
Here in lies the problem

It took a good 6 weeks for the Prozac to kick in
My mood began to lift
I didn't feel like I wanted to die all the time
Things were improving
But I also noticed some other changes
I am incredibly sleepy and dopey these days
And also I noticed that I am not purging half as much
I just don't feel the urge
Now don't get me wrong
I am still purging
Only now it has gone from 10 times a day to more like 3 or 4 times a day
That's good right?

Well you would think so
You would think that I would be delighted to be in better form and purging less
And I am
Kind of
The only thing is along with the good effects come some not so welcome effects
What is the one thing we eating disordered people dread more than anything else?
What is the one thing that strikes fear in to our hearts?
Yes you've guessed it
Our number one nemesis
Dun, dun dunnnnn!
Weight gain

At first I hardly noticed it
I haven't been weighing myself and Mary hasn't been weighing me too much either
Then I was in the shower at the weekend and I just felt bigger
Like I was taking up more space
I can usually tell from feeling my hip bones if I've gained or lost weight and on inspection they were noticably less sharp and pointy
So I decided to weigh myself
To my shock and horror the number was up quite a bit
I was quite disgusted with myself and vowed not to eat or drink a think until my weight was back down in a 'safe' range

An hour later I had calmed down and realised how stupid that vow was
Ok, my weight is up
But I'm still underweight
I'm still fitting in my clothes
I asked everyone around me if I looked like I had gained weight and they all said no (But they would say that wouldn't they?)
So I looked at why I was gaining weight
Here's the evidence

Exhibit #A: I am purging less, therefore I am keeping more food down, hence weight gain

Exhibit#B: I am in better form therefore less focused on weight loss

ExhibitC: I have recently started on a new medication, this could be effecting my weight

Anyway
Now that I have gained weight how do I deal with it?
Logically I know that it is not a huge amount (About 7 pounds)
Logically I know that nothing in my life has changed but my weight
This does not effect who I am
It just means that I take up a little bit more space
At this point it is very tempting to say fuck it and stop eating completely
But where would that get me?

The ugly truth is that this is not my first rodeo
I have been on the weight loss/weight gain merry-go-round for over 10 years
Lose, gain, lose, gain,  lose, gain........
I could go a weight loss mission and worry my family to death
I could hate myself and every inch of my recently expanded body
I could look in the mirror and cry as I watch my hip bones be engulfed by fat
But you know what?
I'm not going to
I'm just not going to
Maybe this is the Prozac talking but I am in better form for the first time in years and dammit I am not going to let my ED ruin that
I am not going to be tricked in to hating myself again
I'm not going to lose weight only to be told that it's not enough
I'm not going to absolutely wreck my head about every pound gained
I just can't handle that right now

Weight fluctuates and mine seems to really fluctuate
And usually my mood and self esteem fluctuates with it
But this time I am just going to go with it
My ED wants me dead
Of that I have no doubt
For the first time in a long time I feel like I may have a future
I may have a chance to live a normal life
Maybe even a happy life
I'm not going to let a few pounds ruin that
I'm not going to have a complete meltdown because I don't look a certain way
This does not come naturally to me
My instinct is to lose weight
I am making a conscious decision not to

Why is that we strive to be so thin?
Why is that we don't consider ourselves sick unless we are emaciated?
Why do we punish ourselves day in day out?
Why is smaller better?

I guess the answer is that it's all part of the illness
Our EDs tell us that we are not sick enough
Not thin enough
Not good enough

So I wanted to know what you think
Have a look at these two photos
Is there a difference?
Can you tell that I've gained weight?

Taken 2 months and a few kilos ago

Taken today

Healthline.com

I'm delighted to announce that And then she disappeared has been nominated as one of the best eating disorder blogs of 2014 by Healthline.com
Thanks to everyone at Healthline



I'm always amazed how things happen through writing this blog
I write in the hope that my story will help others
I write to break the silence that often accompanies addiction and eating disorders
I write to save my own sanity
I write in the hope that others know that they are not alone
I write because I am not a very good speaker
I write to give those suffering a voice
I write because I have to

Goal #1

Do you ever make goals?
I generally don't
I mostly float from day to day and don't give myself any deadlines to meet
But there is one goal that I make every single week
And every single week I never meet it
They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result
In that case I am the living embodiment of insanity

So what is this goal?
Well, it's to make my meds last the whole week
Every Monday I go to the doctor to collect my script
Then I head to the chemist and walk out with my bag of treats
As you know I am on quite a lot of meds which I will list here

Methadone: 26mls per day
Mirtazapine: 45mg per day
Prozac: 40mg
Olanazpine 12.5mg per day

I get 7 days meds at a time
Every Monday I promise myself (and my mother) that I am going to take my meds properly
And every week come Sunday, I am all out
So Sunday is spent anxiously waiting for Monday
And I get precious little sleep on Sunday night

So this week I vow to make my meds last until Sunday
Come hell or high water I will make my meds last until Sunday
As God as my witness I will make my meds last until Sunday
And come Monday next week I will report back to you that I have indeed made my meds last all week

Do you have a goal for this week?

Darkness to Light, 2014

Myself, my Mum and Lea and Honey did the Darkness to Light walk this morning in aid of Pieta House
Pieta House is based in Dublin and does great work to help people who suffer from depression and self harm as well as families who have lost someone to suicide
The walk began at 4 15am
It was a 5km walk/run (needless to say that we walked)
The idea was that the walk started in the dark and then finished just as dawn was breaking
I heard about it a few weeks ago and was determined to do it so I roped in my my Mum
And of course Lea and Honey

My alarm went off at 2 20am
My first thought was 'Why the hell is my alarm going off so early?'
Then I remembered why I had to get up
Lea and Honey were totally confused when I got them up from their cozy beds
We all piled in to the car and set off
I was driving and it seemed to take forever to get there as the weather was terrible
Eventually we arrived and there seemed to be so many people
A lot more than I had anticipated
We were directed in to the car park and I parked as best as I could
We registered
Got our Darkness to Light t-shirts (in a very fetching canary yellow)
And soon it was time to set off

There were so many people
There must have been a few hundred there
Some were running
Most were walking
We hung out at the back where all the dog owners seemed to gather
Luckily the rain held off and in fact it wasn't cold at all

The walk took us all around the town in a loop
At first Lea and Honey were a bit wary around all the people but they soon settled down and seemed to really enjoy the walk
Dawn was breaking just as we finished the walk and it really was very symbolic
Hot cups  of tea were waiting for us when we returned
All in all it was a great experience

I took some photos
Some are quite blurry so apologies for that
Hope you enjoy.........

Proof we were up!

Cuppa to start the day/night

Some were more prepared than others!

When ya gotta go, ya gotta go!

They only had large t-shirts left so I wore mine over my clothes

Honey was ready or her bed by this stage

What's going on?

Cup of tea and a smoke at the finish line

Lea still doesn't know what just happened

I need my beauty sleep!