Happiness is......

Thinking back to this day in 2006

Not worrying about how fat I look in this picture

Happiness is hanging out with my nephew

Not hiding at home binging and purging



Happiness is spending time with my two best girls

Not seeing a low number on the scale



Happiness is spending time at my favourite beach

Not squeezing in to a pair of size zero jeans




Happiness is having a lazy day at home

Not feeling that I have to do a certain amount of exercise every day

Happiness is seeing my nephew's new born kittens

Not denying myself food and water

Happiness is the first smoke of the day

Not isolating myself every day

Happiness is writing about my eating disorder

Not living it

What is happiness to you?

Weight

My shape is changing and I'm gaining weight
Even though everyone around me says that I'm not
I know that I am
I know it takes a while for the weight to show as usually it goes straight to my tummy and takes a while to distribute around my body
My new shape is unfamiliar
I haven't been this weight in a long time

My weight has really yo-yoed over the years
While I using drugs from about 1999-2006 my weight was always very low for obvious reasons
But also all this time I had been eating disordered and I didn't know

July 2004 in the middle of a detox in London

Then I got clean and weight stabilized for a while
But it wasn't long before my anorexia spun out of control
As shown here

Avignon  2007 84lbs

Then in 2008 I was put on a high dose of olanzapine
I began to gain weight
And reached an all time high weight of 135lbs
I know it doesn't sound like a massively high number but I have a small frame and any extra weight really shows
As demonstrated here

Croatia 2010, 135lbs

January 2009

I was extremely uncomfortable at this weight
It just didn't suit me
I felt awkward and cumbersome and just didn't feel like myself
I'm not sure why or when it happened but I began to lose weight again
I remember putting on this white cardigan and it felt looser
I weighed myself for the first time on months and I had lost almost a stone
I wasn't trying to lose weight
It just happened
Cue another anorexia relapse
As seen here

Barcelona 2011 90lbs

Then in 2012 when I started seeing Mary I regained weight to a low but healthy BMI
I think to around 50kilos
I was ok at this weight
I didn't feel too uncomfortable
As shown here

June 2012

2012 - 2013 was a good year

My mood was mostly good

My weight was stable

I travelled to Australia for Christmas

I spoke at an eating disorder conference in February 2013

Everything was far from perfect but I was doing ok

But then in March I was hospitalized with pancreatitis

I was sick for quite a while and began to lose weight again

Summer 2013 90lbs

2013 was a tough year

In October I went in to treatment

It didn't work

I continued to purge and restrict and left hospital weighing even less than when I went in

February 2014, 90lbs

I think  I began to gain weight at the end of March this year

It's a frustrating place to be

I'm not severely underweight

But I am not at a healthy weight either

It's limbo

There are very few photos of myself taken over the years that I like

But I did find a couple

This one I like because I look happy, 2005

I think I look healthy here, Australia 2006

So that's the history of my weight

The ups and downs

The highs and lows

The fat and the skinny

Hope you enjoyed........

Medication Mondays! Guest post by Ruby's Mum

Hi, I'm Ruby's Mum. She has asked me to write a post for her blog this week. Here goes!

Mondays is the subject I've chosen to write about. I've chosen to write about Mondays for a number of reasons, the main one being that it's the day that Ruby gets her medication.

Monday morning I like. I don't work so I drive in to town with Ruby and the dogs. Usually she hasn't slept well on Sunday night. Anticipation? Excitement? Restlessness? Anxiety? It could be due to any or all of the above. While she visits the doctor and pharmacist I take Lea and Honey for a walk on the beach. This I enjoy. I love watching the dogs uninhibited delight as they rub, bound and jump on the strand. Lea usually has a good swim. They just fling themselves at Ruby when she meets us. Such unconditional love and loyalty!

Ruby usually tells me how she has got on with the doctor. Often they seem to discuss matters totally unrelated to her 'chronic conditions' which is refreshing. She can be entertaining and engaging company, interesting and interested. She's also direct, honest and intelligent. Anyway she has her cocktail of meds so she's happy and content.

We arrive home, have tea. Suddenly I notice her eyes begin to droop. No! Please let it be just tiredness, not the meds. I hope and pray. But unfortunately she overtakes her medication. She falls asleep wherever she happens to be. Whether it's sitting at the computer or watching tv. The most worrying aspect of this scenario is that frequently, she has a cigarette in her hand. The rug in front of the fireplace is scored with burn marks. I she has a newspaper in front of her, that becomes pock-marked with holes. I become consumed with anxiety. I waken her, encourage her to lie down. But she insists on making more tea which inevitably gets spilt on the same poor rug. She becomes a different person, a person whose a danger to herself and a person with whom I can't reason.

So I begin to feel desperate. What should I do? How do I handle this situation? Do I ignore it and hope for the best? I don't know. Lately I have talked to her about how it makes me feel to see her like this. I'm reminded of her heroin using days and it makes me feel desperately sad and helpless. It makes me feel I'm losing control. It makes me grieve.

And at last I think, I hope that she's beginning to use her meds correctly. Last Monday was a good Monday. Ruby didn't lose her lovely bright personality. She was the Ruby I know and love so well. Please let it last.

21

I guess I should explain
It all started during the week
I was in my bedroom looking through old diaries when I found this photo between the pages of one of them

It was taken the night of my 21st
Over ten years ago
I remember that night
Well parts of it
The house is a rented house that my mother and I shared
We moved out after my parents split up when I was 19
About a year before I had started using heroin

I remember my sister was home from Australia
My other sister was on her own path of destruction
This particular night all my friends came over
My mother even allowed my boyfriend in as an exception because it was my birthday
If I remember correctly I spent a lot of the night in the bathroom snorting cocaine
I wasn't eating either although I had no idea that I had an eating disorder

I guess in this photo I am about 80lbs
I don't know for sure
I never weighed myself back then

There aren't many photos of me during the drug years
And there definitely aren't any photos of me at my lowest weight
I kind of wish there were
Not that I want to be reminded of that time
But just to document it
I take photos every day now
I want to capture moments
So I don't forget them

Looking at this photo made me very sad
It was all ahead of me
Drug addiction
Anorexia
Bulimia
Now 10 years later I look back and it is all a blur
Like a dream
I remember bits and pieces
I have some memories that are ingrained on my brain
Sometimes I wonder how I made it out alive
Sometimes I wish I hadn't

After I found this photo I stared at it for ages
I kept it beside me
I wondered what was going through 21 year old Ruby's mind
Why was she so hell bent on self destruction?
Why didn't she like herself more?
Why did she hate herself so much?
I wonder what her life would have been like if she hadn't gone down this road
It just makes me so sad
And that's ok
It's ok

As I have said in previous posts my binging and purging has dramatically decreased
And that is amazing
I was talking to my Dad yesterday about it
He said that he had noticed too
He said that after he went to bed he used to hear me banging pots and pans and making food
And it's true
I used to wait or everyone to go to bed then binge and purge endlessly
So I thought I was doing better
I even went to a mindfulness course with my friend this week

But then I got thinking
Why am I not binging and purging so much?
Well, it's because I'm not eating as much
Not as much at all
My appetite is just not there
Is this anorexia tricking me?
Is she letting me think I am getting better but sneaking up on my from behind?
Am I just using my eating disorder in another way?
I'm not quite sure

Looking at this photo I can see how lost I was
In some ways I still am lost
I really want to move on
I want to grow up
I want to leave that girl behind
Or at least bring her with me

This is not a pity party
My life has been a walk in the park compared to some people
But it's all relative
I know that I am the person I am today because of the experiences I've had
I believe that it wasn't all in vain
I believe that everything happens for a reason
I believe that in a lot of ways I am very very lucky
And some where inside of me I do believe that I will be ok

My friend sent me a lovely text yesterday
To the effect that she is so happy that we are back in contact again
I still find it hard to believe that anyone would like me
How can they when I have so much self hatred?
I don't understand

I'm not sure that I am making a lot of sense here today
But I think that this
What I have been going through this week
Is all part of the healing process
And that's ok
I'm ok
Or at least I will be

Duped!

I thought I was ok
I really did
I actually believed that I had a chance
That things were turning around
But now I think it was just lies
It was anorexia trying to lull me in to a false sense  of security
She is so cunning
So sly
And I fall for it every time

Pretty hurts

Every so often a song comes a long that comments on societies pressure on women to be thin and beautiful

In the nineties it was Unpretty by TLC

In the noughties it was Beautiful by Christina Aquilera

More recently we had Little Me by Little Mix

And now Beyonce with Pretty Hurts

The video portrays Beyonce taking part in a beauty pageant

Her sash reads Miss 3rd Ward

We see her go to any lengths to win

She puts vaselline on her teeth

Gets botox injected in to her face

We also see her purging

Other girls eat cotton balls to fill their stomachs

Some are painfully thin

The girls all line up in the pageant

They look like Stepford wives

Smiles painted on their faces

Mechanically waving

Perfectly in synch

The song like all the others before it comments on the pressures facing women in this day and age

Pretty hurts
We shine the light on whatever's worse
Perfection is the disease of a nation
Pretty hurts, pretty hurts
We shine the light on whatever's worse
Tryna fix something
But you can't fix what you can't see
It's my soul that needs the surgery

The video directed by Melina Matsoukas shows Beyonce trying everything in her power to look flawless -but still can't achieve perection

Matsoukas said -

'Well I think we wanted to speak to as many women as we could and all the pain and struggle that we go through as women to maintain the impossible standard of beauty. We wanted to give it a darker edge and not give you the Disney version of that struggle'

I think it's great that Beyonce is addressing this subject

There has never been more pressure on women to be perfect

Everything we do is scrutinised

Our weight

Our shape

Our beauty

Eating disorders are on the rise and are effecting younger and younger boys and girls

It's impossible to escape the message that thin and beautiful equals success

It's so important to reassure our children that they are perfect just the way they are

I remember when I was in school weight was a hot topic

I studied ballet where my body was on constant show

You really need to be a strong person with good self esteem to avoid falling in to the beauty trap

Hopefully this song and video will get people talking about body image and eating disorders
Because all too often we feel we need to change the external to fix something that's internal
We go on diets
We measure our self worth in pounds and ounces
We deny ourselves food
We feel we have to be a certain size
We compare ourselves to air brushed photos in magazines
We try our best to be perfect when really there is no such thing

Have you seen this video?

What did you think?

Prozac

I've been on Prozac for about 8 weeks now
40mg which will be increased to 60mg next week
I was put on Prozac because my mood had hit an all time low
I couldn't see a way out
I couldn't see any other option other  than disappearing
I took a handful of sleeping tablets and hoped that I wouldn't wake up
But I did
I woke up
And I felt worse than ever
I also scared my mother half to death
I didn't want to be here anymore
Life
Reality
My addiction
My eating disorder
It was all too much
I was too much
My head was completely wrecked
My thoughts were endlessly negative
Swimming around my head on a loop
I truly thought that I was going mad

I had an appointment with Mary that week
I wasn't planning on telling her
I didn't want to tell any of the professionals as I was afraid they would stop my meds if they knew I was abusing them
But that day, I don't know why, but I told her
I couldn't hold back the tears
I told her I was abusing my meds
That I was thinking of overdosing again
She immediately sprang in to action
She rang my doctor
And my psychiatrist
Also my mother
She arranged an appointment to see my psychiatrist the next day
And asked if I could guarantee my safety until the following day
I said I could
Even as I was saying the words I knew I wasn't going to stick to them
I went home and popped a few extra pills
I didn't want to be awake
I didn't want to think
I just wanted to sleep

My mother came home from work
The next day she came with my to see my psychiatrist
He stopped my sleeping tablets
I regretted saying anything
He also put me on Prozac
He said it was very effective for people with eating disorders
The only other thing I remember about that meeting was that he said that I had 'many chronic conditions'
That has stuck in my head ever since
Sometimes I forget that I am mentally unwell
Sometimes I forget that my behaviour isn't normal
Sometimes I forget that I am different

I don't really remember the next few weeks
But I do remember that about 2 weeks ago I started to feel better
I didn't feel so down
Didn't feel like I wanted to die all the time
I felt like I had more energy
Like a fog had been lifted
It was a massive relief
To me and my family
I felt a little bit stronger
A little bit more positive
I felt hopeful for the first time in years
I felt like maybe I had a chance

There were other positive effects too
My purging has markedly decreased
Today I have only purged twice
That is only a fraction of what I had been purging
But there is a reason for this
I am not eating as much as I used to
I have noticed over the weeks that my appetite has decreased
I used to feel an overwhelming urge to binge
I just don't feel that now

I looked it up and loss of appetite is indeed a side effect of Prozac
The sick part of me thinks that this is freakin' fantastic
The sick part of me is wondering how much weight I could lose
The sick part of me is so very fucked up

I will continue to take the Prozac
Because lots of good things have happened
I am back to going to meetings
I'm seeing my friends
I'm starting a mindfulness course this Thursday
I feel like me again

I wrote a few posts ago about weight gain
I have gained weight
And even though everyone around me says that I haven't
I know that I have
I have
It's so tempting to say 'Fuck it' and go on a weight loss mission
I just feel like there is so much of me
I miss my little body
I miss feeling thin
Even though the scale says that I am still underweight
I don't feel it
And I want to feel it

It angers me that I would throw away my whole life just to be thin
But it's not just about being thin
It's an identity
It's a feeling of accomplishment
It's protection
It's what makes me different
It's what makes me me
And now having no appetite is massively triggering
That old familiar feeling of an empty stomach
It's a constant tug of war in my head

I was wondering if any of you out there are on Prozac
Have you noticed these side effects?
Please do let me know