You decide....

I need your help
I'm attending a book reading tonight
My brother is reading
I don't go to many events so  it's a good excuse to get dressed up
Although it won't be at all formal
I still want to look nice
I have a couple of outfits in mind
And I need your help in choosing one
Here are the candidates......

Navy and white floral print dress from Dorothy Perkins

Orange and cream dress from Dorothy Perkins

Which do you think looks better?

I believe......

I believe that people are mostly good

But that hurt people, hurt people

I believe that happiness is not having what you want but wanting what you have



I believe that everything happens for a reason



That what you put in you get out

I believe that with every grief joy repays

I believe that everything seems worse at night

That loneliness can kill us



I believe that we are rarely our true selves



But when we are it is truly liberating

I believe that every woman struggles with food in one way or another

That we are all addicted to something



I believe that true friends are hard to find

But when we do we should hang on to them



I believe that we are stronger than we ever realised

That with hope and faith we can overcome anything

I believe that animals have the power to heal us

And they can teach us a lot about ourselves

I believe that if we look we will see signs

And they will help us make the right decision

I believe that I will be ok

Eventually



I believe that things get worse before they get better

But that they will get better

I believe that you have to experience the dark in order to appreciate the light

I believe that writing soothes the soul

That I would be truly lost without it



I believe that I was put on this earth for a purpose

Now I just have to find that purpose

I believe that the truth hurts

But it's essential to hear it

I believe that I will die young

That I won't reach old age

I believe that living in reality scares me

And so I run and run and run......



I believe that good people attract good people

That misery loves company

I believe in Karma

That what goes around comes around



I believe that anything can be solved with a cup of tea and a chat

That we need to listen more

I believe that nothing lasts forever

Even though we want it to

I believe that rules are made to be broken

I believe in everything in moderation

Including moderation

I believe giving up is easier than trying

That living is harder than dying

I believe that I will do something amazing with my life

If I could just get out of my own way

What do you believe?

What's in your handbag?

To give us all a break from the heaviness that is our eating disorders
I thought I would write about something completely different
The contents of my hand bag
Sounds boring?
Well I never know what I am going to find in my handbag when I clean it out
I have found knives
Food
The possibilities are endless
So I thought I would take you on a little tour today

Here's one of my many handbags

It's from River Island (Like a lot of my clothes and things)

It's a bag that you wear across the body

I like this kind of bag as you don't have to worry about it falling off

It's also the perfect size

Not too big and not too small

So let's have a little look inside

First up pens

Mucho pens

I always have loads of pens knocking around

As seen here.....

 My wallet of course
My very beat up pink wallet with a broken clasp
Note to self: Need to buy new wallet

 Lip gloss that I never use but always carry, just in case

 Dentist appointment card (Love my dentist, he is going to fix my horribly broken teeth)

 Headphones - absolutely essential, I would be lost without these

 Notebook - for jotting down thoughts so as not to forget them

Travel pass - Yes I do get free travel

 Make up - Again rarely used but always carried

Perfume - Love this

 Deodorant - Another essential, especially in the summer

 Hairband

 Back up notebook, in case something happens to the first one

 Phone - Which I can never find in my bag when it rings

 Cigarettes- An absolute must

Medication - Another absolute must

So that's the contents of my bag
I was wondering about you
What is in your handbag?
Is it similar to mine?

Virgo

I was born in September
So that makes me a virgo
The symbol is the virgin
A virgo is described as practical, hard working, sensible, responsible





I have to say that I agree with a lot of these traits
I am a worrier
I am obsessive and compulsive
And most definitely indecisive

I was wondering about you
What starsign are you?
Are you typical of your star sign?
Answers on a postcard please............

22

I saw my doctor yesterday
I told him that I had been to the dentist and he said that I need a  lot of work done
Namely 6 crowns on my front teeth
Costing to the tune of 3600 euro
My doctor looked at my teeth and agreed that I did in fact need crowns
Now I just have to find the money
It would be so great to get  my teeth done
A real confidence boost
They really are in a bad state
And I'm so self conscious about them
Years of drug abuse and bulimia have really taken their toll on my poor teeth

Then my doctor asked 'Are we reducing the methadone today?'
'I don't know' I replied innocently
He checked his computer and saw that it was 6 weeks since the last reduction
I resisted the urge to put up a fight
So it was dropped to 22ml
That is leaving me very little wiggle room
I need to start taking it properly before the shit hits the fan
And it will hit
Oh yes it will

When I was leaving my doctor said to me 'By the Ruby, you look well'
Ah the dreaded compliment again
'I'm getting that a lot lately' I said
'I'm trying to take it in the spirit in which it's intended'
'That's great' he said
I told him how things had improved a lot recently
I told him that I didn't want to die any more
He looked at me funny when I said that
Then I remembered that I can say things like that in front of Mary and she understands
Maybe I shouldn't say such things in front of him

I left the doctor and collected my meds
I went to a nearby hotel to take them in the bathroom
I took the correct dose as I had a course to go to in a couple of hours
I went and met my Mum and the dogs and went for a walk on the beach

As part of occupational therapy I am doing a women's nutrition course
Part of it is cooking but I didn't realise I'd be cooking yesterday
I arrived at the place to see a table of ingredients
I began to get mildly anxious
As well as the OT there were two other women there who I didn't know
So we began to cook
Chicken with veg and pasta
The OT said we didn't have to eat if we didn't want to
I was still undecided
The cooking was fine
I took part
The atmosphere was relaxed
I felt ok
I managed to chat with the others and pretend that I was a normal human being
Then the food was ready
I decided to eat but gave myself a very small portion
I left most of the pasta but ate the chicken and veg

The OT asked us if there was anything that we would like to cover next week
I decided I would bite the bullet and ask some questions
I began by saying that I had gained weight recently
Before I could say anything else one of the women  began to laugh and guffaw
As if to say 'Yea right'
I was really taken aback
The OT said 'Let Ruby finish' (She knows my history)
Even though I felt like walking out, I continued
I said that I would like to know how to maintain a healthy weight
'That is sickening' said the woman
In other words that is not a problem
I was pretty blown away
How dare she pass comment on my issues
In fairness the OT handled the situation very well
'Ruby has been on a bit of a roller coaster in that area' she said
Even though I was not 100% comfortable
I felt that I had to explain myself
That in fact keeping weight on is a problem for me
I explained to the rude woman that I had anorexia/bulimia and had in fact recently gained weight and wanted to keep it on and needed help in that area
'Oh' she said
That shut her up
The OT asked the woman if she understood where I was coming from
She said she did
She said that she herself was struggling to lose weight
I guess it's all relative

Despite these comments I enjoyed the class
I even brought some pasta home for my Mum
But I have to admit that I did purge when I got home
Even though things have improved I'm afraid that the purging is still there
Unfortunately
It's not half as bad as it was though
It is now the exception rather than the rule
Baby steps all the way

In other news my sister comes home from Australia in exactly two weeks (Hey sista!)
I am super excited to have her home
In fact I can't wait
Let the good times roll.........

Just in the nick of time

Yesterday a neighbour called over to our house
He was carrying a little bottle
He explained that it was holy water that he and his wife had brought back from Lourdes
'It's for you' he said
I was a bit taken a back
Why would I need holy water?
I am not in the slightest bit religious
Then I remembered that this was the same man that sent me a mass card when I was in hospital and had the whole parish praying for me
Now it made sense
He is offering me holy water because I am 'sick'
I thanked him politely
'How are you?' he asked
This is the discreet way of asking me do I still starve myself
'I'm really well, thank you' I replied
'You know you really have improved a lot' he said
Translation: You have a bit of meat on your bones now
I smiled and pretended that I didn't want to strangle him
That's me being a smart arse
It was actually really thoughtful of him to drop the holy water off
Off he went and I went inside to douse myself in the stuff (Me being a smart arse again)

So I've been getting a lot of these sort of comments recently

'You look really well'

'You look so healthy'

'Have you been away? You have a great colour'

'You have a glow about you'

Your eyes look brighter'

'You look an awful lot better'

'You seem to be in such better form'

And so on and so on

Rewind 6 months and if someone had said anything like this to me I would have smiled on the outside
But really I wanted to land my fist in their forehead
Any comment about my appearance and I just couldn't handle it
Any positive comment about my improved appearance and I immediately thought that I had gained weight
I couldn't stand the comments
And I couldn't stand myself

I remember when I was in hospital last year
One of the nurses who had seen me a few years ago in a previous admission and an incredibly low weight, commented that I looked really well
I just wanted to sign myself out there and then
If I looked well I wasn't sick
If I wasn't sick why was I in hospital?
There must be nothing wrong with me
I am an anorectic imposter
That is the way my thinking went

But as I have been getting more and more of these comments
I realise that people genuinely want to give a compliment
They want to acknowledge that I am in a better place
I can see now that back then, even though my weight had improved, my thinking hadn't
I didn't look anorexic
But I felt it
And so all these people presuming that because I looked better, I must be better, drove me bananas

The difference this time is that something in my head has shifted
My thinking
My beliefs
My thoughts
My perception of myself
8 months ago the slightest little thing triggered me
I couldn't look at a skinny girl without vowing never to eat again
I could read someone's weight without immediately comparing it to my own
Thinking about recovery made me feel guilty
I felt like if I recovered then I was a failed anorectic

But something, and I'm not entirely sure what it is, has changed
I feel different and I can't quite put my finger on what it is
It has been a gradual process
And it's an ongoing process
I am right at the start of my recovery
My body is still in the process of recovery
It will probably take months or years to recover
It could take a life time for my mind to recover
If it recovers at all

I know a huge change has been my mood
Praise the Lord my mood has lifted
I was in such a dark dark place for the longest time
A place where death seems like a good option
Where sleep is the only escape
Where nothing matters
Where you can't find anything to give a fuck about
Where time stands still
Where you spend your days marching from the kitchen to the bathroom
Where life seems like a prison sentence
You know what I'm talking about

Soon after I started taking Prozac things began to change
It was like the fog in my mind cleared and I could see for the first time in a long time
The monkey on my back let go
But it wasn't just the Prozac
I started to see my friends again
I went to meetings
I started to write and write and write
I felt like I had woken up from a deep slumber
Like I was alive again

It's like now I am seeing life through a different lens
A more positive lens
Now I see the good before I see the bad
I see the light instead of the dark
And I can't begin to tell you what a relief that is

I really believed that I was a lost cause
That there was no hope for people like me
But I am here to tell you that there is
There is always hope
Always
My old sponsor used to say to me

'Don't quit 5 minutes before the miracle'

I used to wonder what the heck she was talking about
Now I know
Now I understand

My miracle is happening
And just in the nick of time

Your story

I've been thinking about setting up a page for readers stories
A place where you can share your own story of your eating disorder or addiction or mental health issues
Or your life story
A place where you can be heard
Where others can read and relate and realise that they are not alone
Like a meeting point where we can gather and support each other
Is this something you would be interested in?
Would you submit a story?
Would you like to read stories of others in similar situations?
Please do let me know what you think
Or if you have any similar ideas
I just really feel the need to take action at the moment
You know?